Nothing Changes Until You Do: A Guide to Self-Compassion and Getting Out of Your Own Way (3 page)

Why do we get so distracted? Why does it sometimes take illness, crisis, injury, tragedy, or even death to wake us up and get our attention?

I think we clutter up our lives with too much “stuff.” We’re so busy, overcommitted, and information-obsessed. Our never-ending to-do lists are long and we run around trying to “keep up” or “be important,” and in the process stress ourselves out. Even though many of us, myself included, often complain that we can’t do anything about this—based on the nature of life today, technology, or our responsibilities, families, and jobs—most of us have more of a say over our schedules than we admit. We can choose how much we engage in electronic communication or the amount of “stuff” we cram into our daily lives. Much of this distracts us from what’s most important and keeps us from feeling our true emotions, which is one of the reasons we keep ourselves so busy and distracted in the first place.

It can be a little scary to focus on what truly matters. Some of the most important people, activities, and aspects of our lives may seem unimportant to those around us, and may or may not have anything to do with our careers or taking care of our families. Some of these may not even be things that other people like, understand, or agree with. Even if they are, sadly, it’s often easier to just watch TV, check our e-mail, clean our house, plan our day, surf the Internet, and merely react to what’s going on around us than to actively engage in the things we value most.

We also may not actually know what’s most important to us, or we at least have some internal struggle about what should be. With so many conflicting beliefs, ideas, expectations, and agendas within and around us, it’s not always easy to know with certainty what matters most to us. And, even if we do, it can take a good deal of strength to live in alignment with this on a regular basis. Whether it’s our lack of clarity or our fear of letting other people down (or maybe a bit of both), focusing on what truly matters to us can be more tricky than it seems on the surface.

While these and other “reasons” make sense, not focusing on what matters most to us has a real and often negative impact on our lives, our work, and everyone around us. We end up living in a way that is out of synch with who we really are, which causes stress, dissatisfaction, and missed opportunities and experiences.

What if we did focus on what truly mattered all the time—not simply because we experience a wake-up call, crisis, or major life change, but because we choose to in a proactive way? What would your life look like if you let go of some of your biggest distractions, the often meaningless worries and stresses that take your attention, and actually put more focus on the people and things that are most important to you?

One of the most profound things my mom said before she died was, “I want people to know that they don’t have to suffer through this.” As the end was getting closer, my mom’s desire to share her wisdom increased, and it was beautiful. Because I was more focused on what mattered and less distracted by my own busyness, worries, to-do list, and even my judgments, I was actually able to pay more attention to her and really listen to the wisdom she had to share, which was such a gift.

Here are some of the key lessons I learned from my mom as she began to surrender and open up in the final days of her life. These are simple (although not easy) reminders for each of us:

Express Yourself—
Say what you have to say; don’t hold things back. As my mom got closer to death, she began to express herself with a deeper level of authenticity and transparency. We had conversations about things we’d never talked about before and she opened up in ways that were both liberating and inspiring. Too often in life, we hold back because we’re afraid of rejection, judgment, and alienation. Expressing ourselves is about letting go of our limiting filters and living life “out loud.”

Forgive—
My mom and I come from a long line of grudge holders. Like me, she could hold a grudge with the best of ’em. I watched as she began to consciously and unconsciously let go of her grudges and resentments, both big and small. It was as if she was saying, “Who cares?” When you only have a few months (or weeks) to live, the idea that “life’s too short” becomes more than a bumper sticker; it’s a reality. And, with this reality, the natural thing for us to do is to forgive those around us—and ourselves.

Live with Passion—
Going for it, being bold, and living our lives with a genuine sense of passion is so important. However, it’s easy to get caught up in our concerns or to worry what other people will think about us. My mom, who was a pretty passionate woman throughout her life, began to live with an even deeper level of passion, although her body was deteriorating. In her final days and weeks, she engaged everyone in conversation, talked about what she loved, shared grandiose ideas, and let go of many of her concerns about the opinions of others. It was amazing—such a great model and reminder of the importance of passion.

Share Your Appreciation—
At one point, my mom said, “It’s so important to appreciate people … I don’t know why I haven’t done more of that in my life.” Even in the midst of all she was going through, she went out of her way to let people know what she appreciated about them—and people shared their appreciation with her as well. My friend Janae set up a “joy line” for people to call and leave voice messages for my mom in her final days. We got close to 50 of the most beautiful messages, all expressing love and appreciation for my mom—most of which we were able to play for her before she passed away. Appreciation is the greatest gift we can give to others, and we don’t have to wait until we’re dying to do it or until someone else is dying to let them know!

Surrender—
While my mom clearly wasn’t happy about dying, something happened about a month and a half before she died that was truly remarkable—she surrendered. For my mom, who had a very strong will and was a fighter by nature, this probably wasn’t easy. However, watching her surrender to what was happening and embrace the process of dying was truly inspirational and life altering for those of us around her—and for her as well. So much of the beauty, healing, and transformation that occurred for her and for us during her dying process was a function of surrendering. Not giving up, giving in, or selling out, but making peace with what is and choosing to embrace life (and in this case death) as it shows up. Our ability to surrender in life is directly related to the amount of peace and fulfillment we experience.

My mom taught me and all of us that even in the face of death, it’s possible to experience joy—what a gift and a great lesson and legacy to leave behind. We don’t have to wait until painful things happen in our lives to wake us up—we can practice observing what we’re paying attention to and asking ourselves the simple but important question,
Does this truly matter?

CHAPTER 2

Remember that a Bad Day for the Ego Is a Good Day for the Soul

A while back I was listening to a radio interview with Michael Bernard Beckwith, founder of the Agape International Spiritual Center and author of
Life Visioning
, and he said, “A bad day for the ego is a good day for the soul.” When I heard this, I laughed out loud. The wisdom of his statement resonated with me deeply. I thought about a number of experiences in my life that have been quite “bad” for my ego (i.e., embarrassing, disappointing, and even painful) but in hindsight have been great for my own growth and development (i.e., my soul).

One of the most painful and powerful examples of this was when my professional baseball career ended. I was 23 years old, in my third season in the minor leagues with the Kansas City Royals, when I injured my pitching arm. The injury led to a series of surgeries and ultimately the end of my playing career. Among the many lessons I learned from that experience, the most important had to do with appreciating myself, my talent, and my experience while it was happening, not after the fact. I spent most of my time while playing baseball all of those years (especially in college at Stanford and in the minor leagues) thinking I wasn’t good enough. I compared myself to everyone around me and held my breath hoping that I didn’t mess anything up. And, when it was all said and done and I hadn’t made it to the major leagues due to my injury, I thought,
Oops, I think I missed the point.

This lesson has been a key motivator in my life and with my work, which is why I’ve written and spoken about it as much as I have all these years. However, a few years ago, I had an experience with my daughter, Samantha, that deepened the wisdom and insight from this lesson in a new way. It was April of 2010 and Samantha was four. She had the week off from preschool for spring break, and I decided to take the afternoon off so I could take her to see Cal and Stanford play an afternoon baseball game in Berkeley, not far from where we live. Her baby sister, Rosie, who was one and a half at the time, stayed home with Michelle. Given the nature of our lives, my schedule, and us still figuring out how to manage with two young kids, this was precious one-on-one time for Samantha and me, and we were both very excited about it. As we were driving to the game, Samantha, who was sitting in her booster seat behind me, asked, “Daddy, are you going to play in the game?”

The previous fall, Samantha had seen me play in our annual alumni game down at Stanford—an exhibition game between the current Stanford baseball team and any of us former players who are able to show up and courageous enough to get back out there on the field and play against the college kids. Anyway, Samantha had seen me in my uniform and since we were now going to see Stanford play, she wanted to know if I was going to.

“No,” I said.

“Why not?” asked Samantha.

“Daddy doesn’t play baseball anymore,” I replied.

“Yes you do,” Samantha said. “I saw you.”

“Oh, honey, that wasn’t a
real
game,” I said.

“I don’t understand,” said Samantha.

“Sweetie,” I said. “Daddy doesn’t play baseball anymore because I hurt my pitching arm and had a bunch of surgeries on it, which caused me to stop playing.”

“You mean you
can’t
play baseball anymore?” Samantha asked.

“That’s right, sweetie,” I said.

“Are you sad about that, Daddy?” she asked.

“Wow, honey, I appreciate you asking me that,” I said. “No, I’m not sad. I was when it happened; it was a pretty big deal, and I was very upset. However, that was a long time ago and I’m not sad about it anymore. In fact, I’m grateful.”

“Grateful?” Samantha asked, quite surprised and confused. Even at four years old, she knew what it meant to be grateful for something since we talk about gratitude a lot at our house. “Why are you grateful that you can’t play baseball anymore, Daddy? I don’t understand.”

“Well, honey,” I said, “if Daddy hadn’t hurt his arm, I never would’ve met Mommy … and I wouldn’t be your daddy.” Then, I burst into tears!

“Daddy, are you okay?” Samantha asked.

“I’m fine, sweetie, just fine,” I said, as I wiped the tears from my eyes. I was shocked by how emotional I got in that moment—it hit me at a deeper level than ever before.

Too often our desire to protect our ego—to avoid failure and embarrassment—causes us to sell out on ourselves, not go for what we truly want, or hold back in a variety of detrimental ways. When we remember that even if things don’t turn out the way we think we want them to, not only will we survive, we can grow in the process. As Randy Pausch said in
The Last Lecture
, “Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”

This is not to say that the
only
way to grow in life is through suffering, disappointment, or pain. However, when we do experience difficulties, we have the capacity to turn these “bad” things into incredible opportunities for healing and transformation. While it may not seem that way to us (or our ego) initially, the deeper part of who we are (our soul) knows that everything happens for a reason and that there are important lessons in every experience.

Think of some of the things that have happened in your life that seemed awful to you at the time but in hindsight are things you’re incredibly grateful for.

The most elegant, pleasurable, and self-loving way for us to grow and evolve is through joy, success, and gratitude. However, due to the fact that difficulties do occur in life and that we often give away our power to the “bad” stuff (through resistance, judgment, or worry), learning to relate to our challenges in a more positive and conscious way is a crucial part of our growth.

Remembering that our ego is usually what’s at risk when we’re scared can remind us that we don’t have nearly as much to lose as we think we do. Embodying this insight—that a bad day for our ego is a good day for our soul—with empathy and perspective allows us to live with a deeper sense of trust and openness.

CHAPTER 3

Nothing Changes Until You Do

A while back my counselor Eleanor said something simple but profound to me: “Nothing changes until you do.” She went on to say, “Mike, you keep trying to control and manipulate the situations, relationships, and outcomes in your life—thinking that if they changed in the way you want them to, you’d then change and things would be better. It actually works the other way around.”

The truth of Eleanor’s feedback resonated deeply with me when she first said it and, of course, inspired the title of this book. She continues to remind me of this all the time, which I appreciate, as it helps me catch myself when I focus too much of my attention on changing the world around me instead of focusing on the only thing I can really change—me.

I’ve had a number of important examples of an internal change resulting in an external/tangible change in my own life. One of the most significant times this happened was when I got the contract for my first book,
Focus on the Good Stuff
, in 2006. From the time I was in college, I had dreamed of writing a book. In those days, it was more of a fantasy than an actual goal. But after my baseball career ended, after my short stint in the dot-com world was over, and I started my speaking and coaching business, this fantasy became a dream that I wanted to make come true.