Nothing Like You (13 page)

“No,” she whispered, biting at a hangnail.

No. No?

She went on. “Seriously though, sometimes I wish I
were,
still. We were so young when we started …
god,
and then once you start, you can’t ever go back to just kissing or holding hands … sucks, right?” Saskia stretched her arms out, then flipped onto her side and looked at me. “I miss just … making out.”

They had been having sex this whole time? My chest tightened. Maybe she meant someone other than Paul. “Who’s ‘we’?” I asked.

She flashed me a peculiar look. “Duh,
hello
, I’m not
that
big a slut.” She chucked a pillow from the couch in my direction. “Paul.” It missed me by a foot, landing by my feet. “Why, what about you?” She asked. “Who’d you do it with?”

“No one you know,” I stammered quickly, a guilty wave slamming my gut. I sat up. “I feel sick,” I said.

“You need the bathroom?” she asked, rushing over to help me up off the ground.

“It’s okay,” I gently swatted her hand away, stood up, and waddled off toward the toilet. “Be back.”

I flipped on the fan, sat down on the edge of the tub, and cried. I hadn’t cried in months. Not since Mom, and even then, I probably hadn’t managed to squeeze out any more than a tear or two at her memorial. These, though, were big, soundless, sloppy tears. Unstoppable. Tear after tear, shooting down onto Saskia’s bathmat like rain.

Knock knock knock.
“You okay in there?”

I sucked in my breath, then blurted, “I’m good. Be out in a minute.” Then I turned on the sink and splashed some water on my face, the way hysterical women in movies sometimes do. I fixed my hair and blew my nose and tried smiling at my reflection to see if I could pull off looking regular, but my eyes looked like puffy marshmallows.

I slinked back out the bathroom door with my head down.

“Are you okay? Have you been crying?”

I tried looking chipper. “No I just, I tried to make myself puke, which like, always makes my eyes tear. Anyways, it didn’t work. I couldn’t throw up.”

“You want some ginger ale?”

“I should go home,” I said.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll just go home and sleep it off. This happens sometimes,” I lied.

I went dressed like a cat
.

There was a piñata, a cooler full of orange soda and Coke, and four small bottles of bourbon being passed around for kicks. Nils and I were perched up high on the wooden railing of the deck, looking down on—I’m gonna guess—fifty kids, maybe sixty. Most of our class was there.

“So when’s the big breakup scene gonna happen?”

Nils was wearing a chicken costume. Meaning he wore a fake beak and had a feather tucked into the chest pocket of his button-down. “Tomorrow,” he said, sounding cheerless. “After this whole mess is over.”

I looked out at the crowd. Saskia and her group, decked out in Girl Scout garb, were drinking in a circle on the ground by the azaleas. Paul was there too. Wearing a fedora and suit.

“Have you thought about what you’re gonna say?”

Nils shrugged. “‘You’re a great girl. I can’t handle a relationship right now. I’m not ready to commit.’ Pretty standard stuff.” He looked at me. “How’s
your
situation?”

“Good, actually. Over.”

“Wow. Really.”

“Yup.” I sat up straight. “I feel pretty great about it.”

Nils looked at me as if he was going to say something, but then didn’t.

“What’re we doing here, anyways?” I asked, turning back toward the party. Watching Paul watch me from his spot on the grass.

“Who knows,” said Nils. Then, “Hey, look. There’s Paul Bennett!” He feigned enthusiasm. “Dude’s wearing a fedora. What a loser.”

Sudden nausea. I looked off in another direction. Nora was darting around the lawn in a Laker Girl cheerleading uniform. Midriff and thighs, very bare! I swung my legs over the railing and hopped down onto the grass. “Shall we mingle?” I asked. “Find some booze for our drinks?” I tapped my Coke can.

Nils jumped off the railing and dropped down next to me. He grabbed my hand and held it for a second. Longer than a second. Weird, because we hadn’t ever really held hands before and it wasn’t like Nils was drunk or anything. He didn’t let go until Nora came by fifteen seconds or so
later. She threw the full weight of her body against Nils’s body, knocking our hands apart.

“Baby,” she cooed, grabbing him by the back of his head and pulling him into a sloppy kiss.

“Having fun?” Nils asked, righting himself. Pushing his beak back onto his nose.

“A blast.” She turned toward me. “Holly!!! I’m so glad you’re here!” She lurched forward then, arms outstretched. We embraced. “You want whiskey?” She pulled a skinny bottle of Jack out from under her halter.

“Sure thing.”

Nils and I held out our Coke cans. Nora poured.

I was drunk. Not really
drunk
drunk, just tipsy, and Nils was off with Nora somewhere, so I was alone, standing by the snack table eating a handful of chips when Saskia stumbled over holding a lily. “Are you drinking?” she asked, leaning forward.

I held the soda can to my lips and nodded. “What’s that?” I pointed to the flower.

“I picked it.”

“I can see that. I’m sure Nora’s parents will be pleased once they see someone’s picked all their lilies.”

Saskia stuck the flower behind her ear. “Only one.” She flung an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. “Is this a fun party?”

“Not really,” I said, quickly scanning the place for Paul. No sign of him. Not that it mattered now, whether he saw us together or not.

“I didn’t think so.” She kept her arm draped around my shoulder as we swayed from side to side. “I’m so glad to know you, Holly Hirsh.” She pulled me closer and I let her. I loved how she loved me.

After that I found Nils, then lost him again, then waited in line for the bathroom forever, then got fed up and wandered back outside. I surveyed the crowd. All drunk. It was late. I wandered away from the party, through a heavily wooded area and found a nice spot behind an overgrown patch of jasmine. I pushed my leggings and underwear down around my ankles and squatted.

“Is that you?” came a disembodied voice.

I screamed, jumped up, and accidentally peed all over my legs.

“Holly, I know it’s you, I’m coming back there.” It was Paul.

I quickly hiked up my underwear and leggings. Paul appeared from behind a bush. “Hi.”

“What’re you doing back here?”

“Detective work …”

“Is that what you are?”

“A detective, yes. Like my hat?”

“I guess.” I stepped backward into a tangle of weeds.

“Got a minute?”

“Not really.”

“That blond girl back there? The one dressed like a Girl Scout … you know her?”

I froze momentarily, said, “Don’t be a loser,” then walked toward him. “Come on, let’s go back to the party.”

“What, so you’re, like, best friends all of a sudden?”

“You’re drunk, Detective Bennett. We can talk later, okay?” I tried pushing past him. He grabbed my arm.

“I miss you.”

I shook my arm loose. “You don’t miss me. You had me and didn’t want me.” I walked ahead. “Besides, you lied. You lied about sleeping with Saskia.”

“I didn’t lie.”

“You did, you lied.”

“Holly, come on,
wait
.” He grabbed my arm again and spun me around.

“I have to go find a bathroom.”

“I want to talk to you.”

“Not now.”

“Holly.”

“What?!” I whipped around, waiting. Tapping my foot against a pile of dry, crunchy leaves.

“I think I should tell her.”

My chest tightened. “Tell her what?”

“About you and me.”

“There is no you and me.”

“Holly.”

“You can’t.”

“No, I can. I’m going to. This is good, see? It’ll be out there then and no one has to feel guilty or bad anymore. What’s that saying? About truth and freedom?” He started back toward the party. I grabbed him by the shirt and tried pulling him backward, but he just kept moving forward. So I flung myself on him, wrapping my arms around his neck from behind. He stopped. “Holly, what the hell?” He turned to face me. We were nose to nose.

“Please, you can’t. It’ll crush her. I’ve never had a friend like her before. She’ll hate me.” He took me by the chin. I pushed his hand away and took a breath. “Don’t tell her. Please.”

“I have to.”

“No, you don’t. Please, Paul? Whatever you want. I’ll do it.”

“Whatever I want?”

I nodded.

He took a step forward and pushed my shirt collar to the side so that it hung off one shoulder. Then he snapped my bra strap and laughed. My eyes welled up and went blurry. “Come on, Paul,
please
.”

“Seriously, Holly, pull yourself together.” He took my hand as if he were being nice. “You mull it over, okay? Things either go back to how they were or I tell Saskia about you
and me. I’m giving you a week.” He kissed me quick on the mouth and walked off.

I wiped my face, picked a twig off my sweater, and made my way back to the party. Nils was sitting Indian style on a cooler eating candy out of the broken piñata. He was talking to that Sarah girl.

“Hey.” I tugged on the sleeve of his shirt.

He looked up, “Where’ve you been?”

“Can we go, please? It’s late.”

Nils stood up.

We walked home. It was a short walk, half a mile, maybe. I made Nils hold my hand all the way to my front door.

“’Night, Hols.” He turned away from me, heading back across the yard to his house.

“Nils?”

He twisted back around.

I was sobbing. Suddenly. That same sort of breathless, silent crying I’d been doing days before in Saskia’s bathroom. I felt my throat constrict and waved my hands in front of my face. Nils ran over.

“I can’t breathe,” I shrieked, fanning my hands, treading the ground beneath me. Nils took me by the waist and walked me over to The Shack. We went inside, he sat me down on the futon, and plugged the Christmas lights into the wall socket. “Should I go get Jeff?”

I shook my head and pulled him down next to me. “I did a really bad thing. I did something really bad to someone I really care about.”

“Who?”

“Just promise you won’t hate me. Ever. No matter what happens. Please?”

“I could never hate you. You’re my best friend.”

I nodded as if to say
thank you I love you you’re my best friend too
but I couldn’t get the words out.

Nils pulled me forward and I collapsed into his chest. I cried and I cried and with each silent sob his shirt grew more and more transparent with my snot and salty tears.

“Holly, what’s going on? I won’t tell anyone, please.”

I sat up and took a deep breath and held it for as long as I could before exhaling. “I’m okay,” I said.

“You’re okay?”

I nodded. I could breathe. “I’m sorry about this. I’m sorry, you must think I’m nuts.”

Nils looked at me funny.

“Don’t look at me like that,” I said, pursing my lips. “I know what this seems like.”

“What’s that?”

“Like I’m falling apart. I’m not, though. I’m okay.”

Nils shook my shoulder. “You say so.”

I stood up. “I’m good to go back to the house now.”

“You sure?”

I nodded. “Thanks for this. For your shirt.” I gestured to his tear-soaked T-shirt.

“You need me, Hols …” He took his cell out of his pocket and waved it around like a flag.

“S’okay. I should be able to get through the night.”

I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “You’re the best,” I said, pushing backward onto the squeaky toolshed door. “Really,” I said. “No one better.”

Monday back at school
was a total disaster. I was so paranoid I could barely see straight. Spotting Paul in the hall I almost had a seizure. All he did was pass by with a wink and a smile and I was certain the whole school knew everything.

World History wasn’t much better. I spent the first ten minutes of class trying to read Saskia for signs that she knew something. My hands shook like leaves under my desk. My T-shirt was spotted with tiny patches of sweat. I didn’t calm down or dry off until finally Saskia turned to me and said, “Are you okay? You look sick.”