Nova (59 page)

“What the Bloody Hell does that even mean, Avara? Not ‘deliberately
intimate sexually’? Does that mean you were
accidently
?” Diana finally
asked, anger stirring for the first time, born from pain, confusion, and awful
fear.

Like a person determined to bravely walk the plank with
courage no matter the watery grave that awaited, Avara answered evenly, “I mean
that there is a psychic and spiritual bond between K’llan and I that came into
existence during the first few times that we met. And I also mean that while on
planet, that link expanded or, I don’t know, expedited the process of actualization…
because K’llan Fed from me.”

“
What
?” Diana exclaimed, hearing shock color her own
voice like a stranger reacting to their conversation.

“Yes. It was the
only
way for K’llan to survive; she
would have starved to death otherwise.” Avara explained, and Diana could feel
Avara’s absolute belief in the claim. “And the process is… intimate. So though
we did not have sex, Feeding is… sexual by nature, especially if a bond is
already present.”

“I don’t fully understand, Avara.” Diana finally proclaimed,
feeling like she could barely stop from screaming her frustration aloud. “Fine,
what’s done is done. I can accept why you let K’llan Feed from you, and I don’t
even
care
what did or did not happen between the two of you on that bloody
planet.”

Mostly.

Savagely shaking off the image of her love and the Vosaia
locked in a passionate embrace, Diana continued, “Now we move on. Unless the
act created some sort of hold on you? Some kind of influence?”

“You don’t understand, Diana.” Avara responded. “I am not
under any sort of… influence. The bond between K’llan and I was
already
there
,
even though I didn’t fully understand it before. Remember what I said to you right
before the first time we made love? Why I couldn’t fully commit to us?” Serros
asked, her voice earnest.

Looking into Avara’s eyes, seeing the grief written there,
the determination to be truthful, Diana thought to herself how incredibly unfair
this entire situation was. How during the last weeks she’d done nothing but
desperately cling to the hope of being reunited with Avara, to again hold and
be held by the person she loved above all others, the woman she wished nothing
more than to spend the rest of her days with.

And now this.

“Yet when I kiss you, when I touch you, I can feel that you
want me, Avara. So what does that mean?” Diana finally asked, trying to make
Avara select a different choice than the one Adeline was afraid she’d already
made.

Shaking her head, crystalline tears quietly flowing, Avara responded,
“It means exactly what I said before, Diana. That I do and always
will
love you. That at another time, this discussion never would have been.”

Diana wanted to ask Avara to give it some time, give
them
some time, a chance. But she could not. For that was when Diana knew,
truly
knew
, what it was Avara was trying to tell to her. Still, she needed to
hear
those final, damning words; needed the absolutism of a kind of death to search
a way forward.

“Are you in love with her, Avara?”

Gaze still locked with Diana’s, Avara answered quietly,
“Yes, I am.”

With those three words, Diana felt her world shatter, felt
light and hope and tomorrow reduced to ash blown away by winter’s wind.

Avara loved and would always love Diana; she was
in love
with K’llan.

Diana abruptly snatched her hands away from Avara’s grasp
and half–stumbled to her feet from the bed as she turned blindly towards the
door, not pausing to gather her clothes or data–screen, just needing desperately
to leave.

Yet before she had even reached the cabin’s portal, Avara was
there, moving with the speed of a phantom to block Diana’s path, placing very
real, very warm arms around Diana in a fierce embrace. “I am
so
sorry,
Diana. So very sorry.” Adeline could feel the Captain’s hot tears trickle to her
own head then face, was rocked by Serros’s trembling that intermingled with
hers.

Letting Avara hold her, letting herself feel safe and be
comforted for one final moment, Diana whispered, “I know, Avara.”

Then, pulling back just enough to meet Avara’s tear–filled face,
Adeline offered a faint smile traced with self–directed scorn, and no small measure
of bitterness.

“I was wrong, you know; I
did
lose you on that
planet.” She whispered, and then fled the cabin. This time Avara did not stop
her.

CHAPTER 31

The last four days had felt like nothing less than some sort
of temporal distortion, hours blurring together with the plethora of tasks and
duties to be performed that had accreted and multiplied during her absence. Yet
perversely, Avara felt that time was somehow being held captive, shackled from
its normative flow as Serros lost hours to much needed rest, even while being
plagued by unsettled emotion.

Repair manifests, procurement needs, crew promotion and
replacement requisitions, letters to the family and loved ones of those that
they had lost during the
Ardent’s
explosion and the battle with the
TS
Watcher
; all this and more took up the majority of the Captain’s waking
hours. When not focused on managing the direct needs of her ship and crew, with
almost fanatical zeal, Avara set herself to the task of drawing up preliminary
plans and strategies in preparation for the dark days she knew were lying ahead
for all the Quorum Aligned Systems.

The Shield Operative expended countless hours not only strategizing
against identifiable enemies, but also worked tirelessly drafting proposals to
the Quorum and individual system administrations to ensure that all governments
recognized and acted on the coming threat of escalated conflict with the
Karukai Imperium. It would be a hard sell for many, some not wanting to believe
the menace was real or being too occupied with day to day affairs of
governance, others with concerns over prestige and self–serving economic interests.

But Captain Avara Serros intended to succeed.

When not sleeping or preoccupied with her duties, Avara
struggled with a deep sense of grief that warred with the relief at being home
and the peace of decision.

Other than the barest of communication over responsibilities
and the performance of duty, Avara had only spoken with Diana once since ending
their romantic relationship. It had been almost unbearably painful for them
both. When inquired upon, Diana communicated in no uncertain terms that she was
doing poorly and expected that to remain true for the foreseeable future.

With a level of pain bleeding from her beautiful brown eyes
that was nothing short of excruciating for Avara to witness, Serros’s second closest
friend and former lover had then, with quiet dignity, asked for distance and
space to deal with the loss of their relationship. Had asked Avara to respect
her wishes.

And so, her heart made heavy while surreptitiously observing
the listless quality Diana moved through her days and performed her duties,
Avara forced herself to stand back and honor Adeline’s request. All the while
hoping for peace and comfort to reignite life and joy for the person she still,
very much held a deep and abiding love for.

Beyond the occupation of duty and her efforts to come to
terms with the reality of ceasing her relationship with Diana, there was one other
topic that entered Avara’s mind and heart with pervasive relentlessness,
whether Serros was at work, eating a quiet meal, exercising and sparring to
recapture her pre–Dantis health and vitality, or wandering her own dreams in
the depths of slumber.

K’llan Z’arr.

Though the two had been very pleasant to one another since
their return, Avara had been maintaining a certain distance between them,
giving herself some time and displaying a measure of respect she felt she owed
Diana.

Still, despite the polite remove, thoughts of the Vosaia were
omnipresent. Her sweet smile, the light in her remarkable violet eyes, the peal
of silvery laughter as she teased Serros about her glass–breaking proclivities.
Her scent, so reminiscent of the heady bouquet of anlya flowers that had been
blooming in the Sonata on Sigil at their first friendly meeting.

Again and again, Avara was jarred by remembrance of K’llan’s
unshakable courage as she faced every challenge Dantis had offered them. Her
unswerving dedication to completing their mission no matter the personal cost, her
refusal to leave Avara to any fate without standing at her side.

Even more, the memory of what in many ways was their first
true kiss right before they separated in the research and cloning facility
played over and over in Avara’s mind. At times, when she was sleeping at night,
alone in her quarters, Avara could
feel
K’llan, feel the psychic and
physical sensation of their
nyas
merging as if the Vosaia was presently
with her, in her arms as she was undeniably in her heart.

When, late into the fifth evening after her return to
Excalibur
,
Avara woke with a start, heart pounding wildly, again wrapped within the very
real impression of K’llan’s presence and the active fusion of their
nyas
,
a realization struck with the suddenness and force of a hammer to temple. What
she was feeling, the link of their souls, was real. Was really occurring here,
right
now
, as sleep washed away waking barriers and their souls
searched one another out in their dreams.

Because choice has already been made that cannot be
unmade. Now all that is left for us is to understand and accept what that
choice means, no more, no less.

Unbidden, K’llan’s words from a week ago, when she had Fed
from Avara for the final time on Dantis, whispered into Serros’s mind. A choice
had
been made, months ago really, and finally, Avara understood that
choice and found full acceptance of it.

Sitting up and raking her hands through dark hair mercifully
trimmed back to its standard length, Avara took a heavy breath. Entirely
unclothed, she swung her legs over the side of her bed and out of tangled
sheets, evidence as to her restless slumber, and made her way to the small
bathroom. Quickly splashing cold water on her flushed face, Avara exited the
lavatory. The Captain then grabbed and hastily shucked on her uniform trousers
and an onyx hued dress shirt.

Entirely foregoing her uniform jacket as regulations
demanded and, while hurriedly clipping the untucked shirt and shoving her bare feet
into her uncinched half–boots, Avara made for her cabin’s door with an ease of distinct
purpose she hadn’t experienced since Dantis.

Arriving at her destination point in under two minute’s
time, Avara was just about to thumb the door’s alert chime when it quietly
wooshed
open.

Without a word, K’llan stepped to the side, allowing Avara
entry into her quarters, the doors humming closed behind the Captain’s back. Avara
was tangentially aware of the many small design projects and diagrams that
neatly occupied almost every unused space in Z’arr’s cabin.

She could also vaguely smell the carefully maintained anlya
plant in its viridian painted pot located in the far corner of the main room.
Yet all the details of her surroundings were muted in a kind of benign fog. Her
awareness was almost entirely sealed to the visage and energy of the woman who
stood just inches before her.

K’llan was dressed in a tightly sashed, pale blue robe of
silk that, given the state of the rumpled sheets and covers of her nearby bed,
Avara knew had been hastily thrown on. Her hair, long thick waves of spun
sapphire, fell freely about her shoulders like a cascade of the purest sea
water, and a faint blush of pale azure touched her cheeks and graceful neck.

Staring into K’llan’s violet eyes, as rich as sunlight streaming
through purple–stained glass in the high afternoon sun, Avara suddenly found
that words simply would not form. That she couldn’t speak, could only stare at
K’llan like she was a dream come to life.

As minutes poured into minutes and neither gave voice,
K’llan finally broke the awkward silence, a small furrow of concern appearing
between her delicately arched brows. “Captain, now that we have returned to the
ship and… and we have time to speak, we should discuss… what happened between
us on the planet.”

Pausing for a brief moment, a faint shadow dimming the radiance
of her eyes and her voice almost fragile in form, K’llan seemed to check
something she was about to say and then continued with, “We need to consider
our working relationship and…”

“
I love you
.”

Whatever else K’llan intended to communicate was shattered
by Avara’s interruption. The Human could feel the surge of emotion swell like
the climax of an operatic opus. Yet still, it was almost immediately tempered
as K’llan quietly asserted “Avara, we have just experienced an extremely
emotional and intensely physical ordeal. It would only be natural to need time
to reflect…”

“I love you, K’llan.” Avara interrupted a second time,
waving away K’llan’s almost superhuman effort to ensure
not
the truth of
their connection, of
Nyeria
, but Avara’s readiness to
embrace
that truth.

“I love you.” Avara repeated a third time, releasing all
psychic and emotional barriers, letting the truth of her words flow from her
entire being unchecked. “I love you deeply and without reservation, and I know
you feel the same way.”

“Yes, I do.” K’llan’s whispered reply chased away all
shadow, was the release of the final fetter maintaining distance between them.

Her last word had hardly flown free before Avara’s mouth
captured K’llan’s in an almost bruising kiss and her arms pressed the Vosaia’s
firm body to her own with unrestrained zeal. The flow of their mouths was
nothing short of a frenetic dance of long denied need, and Avara couldn’t
imagine even for a moment, that her desire to taste K’llan’s lips could ever
abate.