Nuklear Age (22 page)

__________

“Hmm,” Nuklear Man said in his practiced impression of the kind of person who always seemed to be on top of things. “Wonder where Angus went.”

The sea under Nuklear Man bubbled.

He looked.

It churned.

He pursed his lips.

It belched Angus and the sounds of bagpipes as they forced water and fish from their bowels.

The Hero beamed. “Hey, Angus, I was just—”

“About ta eat a fistful o’ iron!”
PUNCH!
“Ye empty-headed,”
KICK!
“Sack o’ haggis!”
HEADBUTT!

Angus’s upward thrust faded. He flapped his stubby arms to stay aloft. It succeeded only in making him look more absurd. The Surly Scot took in a huge breath and anticipated the icy waters’ embrace.

“Oh no you don’t, Gravity.” Nuklear Man palmed Angus by his head like a basketball. “Gotcha.”

The sea below bubbled at them.

Then the sea all around them bubbled.

“You made it angry,” Nuklear Man said.

The sea growled viciously at them.

“Maybe we should sacrifice a virgin to it,” Angus suggested.

They looked at each other nervously.

“Er, where ever would we find one?”

“Feh, Ah wouldn’t know one if Ah saw ‘im,” Angus said with a masculine sniff and Iron: Swimsuit adjustment.

The water bellowed at them.

“You’ve been down there. Is it supposed to do that?”

The waters broke. A green-blue carapace hundreds of feet wide surfaced. It was covered in gnarled barnacles, knots, spikes, seaweed, flopping fish, and an unpleasant smell. The wide beast shifted its enormous girth and turned its front end upward, revealing its huge footjaws which were poised just under the pair of Heroes who were, at this point, pathetically clutching one another. Its gargantuan maw opened wide enough to swallow a city bus whole. Sideways. The creature took a deep breath and howled its wet, gurgling scream like the tortured deaths of a potato sack full of babies being beaten to death with another potato sack full of babies.

Nuklear Man wished he could spontaneously evolve the ability to turn his ears off at will. No such luck.

“That’s a pretty catchy tune, actually,” Angus mumbled to himself as the force of the roar pushed them up a foot in the air.

The thing submerged. They watched as it cruised just under the waves like a shark-torpedo.

“It’s going to the beach!” Nuklear Man said.

“Someone ought to save those innocent laddies!”

Nuklear Man, full of resolve, steeled his features like an invincible god of war. “Right. I’ll go look for him. Yoing!”

Nuklear Man’s feet pedaled uselessly in the air. Angus held him back by the cape.

“Ghk!” Nuklear Man said. “Aww, c’mon. Just this once? That thing’s
scary.
Plus, how are you able to hold on to me like this?”

“Git!”
The Surly Scot spun like a top and tossed his Nuklear Discus toward the shore while hanging on to his cape for the ride.

“Okay, seriously, how’d you do
that?”

The somewhat Heroic pair soared right over the sea monster. “We’re falling!” Nuklear Man squealed in terror as gravity took control. “It’ll eat us dead!”

“Fly, ye blasted horse’s knickers!” Angus hollered as he climbed up Nuklear Man’s cape.

He complied and they raced past the sea monster. Nuklear Man’s velocity kicked up another rooster tail of water. “Wait. Horse’s what?”

“Never ye mind, just fly!”

__________

Atomik Lad and Rachel had wandered to the pier. They walked under it, swaying with their gait and talking about anything in the way people who are obviously attracted to each other do when they don’t know what to say to keep the other person from going away.

“So, handsome,” Rachel said. “When’re you going to introduce me to your parents?” Atomik Lad stopped short. Rachel joined his change in momentum. “John?” she asked.

He blinked at the wet sand at his feet. “They. My parents. They’re um, dead.”

Rachel clasped her hands around his wrists. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know—”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s not like it was your fault.” He clenched his fists. “I’m fine. It was a long time ago, I was just a kid. It was an accident. It had to happen to somebody, I guess. Besides, Nuke took me in after that and I’ve been taking care of
him
ever since.”

“Oh, he’s not so bad.”

“That’s what I keep telling myself.”

She put a hand on his shoulder and kissed his cheek softly. “I am sorry though,” she whispered too close to his face.

Atomik Lad realized his hands were around Rachel’s waist, and hers were locked somewhere behind his head. Closer now. Hearts beating. Eyes closed. The organic aroma of breath and saltwater. Sparks or fireworks just like everyone said. Red sparks?

“Rachel!” He pushed her like a semi-truck was blindly hurtling toward her. She stumbled back a few steps and fell onto her backside in the moist sand. Startled, she looked up at Atomik Lad.

And his Atomik Field.

He dropped to his knees. Sand was kicked this way and that by the twitching jagged edges of his crimson barrier. “I’m, I’m sorry. This happens sometimes. I can’t help it—well I can, I, I just have to keep it under control. Always.”

She reached out to him. He jumped back and hovered above the ground. “No! You can’t come near me when I’m like this.”

“But what about before with that Radar jerk? It protected me.”

“That was different. You’ll just have to trust me.”

She nodded.

__________

“Angus, you go on ahead and warn the others.”

“Right-o!” He warmed up for a Dwarf-a-pult.

“Great Odin’s bear,
no!
Er, I mean, I could just toss you.”

“What?”
He clobbered Nuklear Man’s skull with tiny, yet furious, Iron: Fists. “Could ye think of a more demeanin’ thing to doo to a man?”

“Well, I bet I could try.”

“I suppose ye’d yell ‘Midget-a-toss’ when ye did it, eh?”

“Um, if you like?”

Another cranial crush. “Nay, I’m afraid not, ye daft wee-people hater! ‘Ooh, lookit Nuklear Man, he’s just invented a new sport.’ ‘What is it?’ ‘Oh, well, ye take a wee Scotsman and ye
toss his wee hide like he was a wet bag o’ haggis!’
Bah! Ah may be short, but Ah do have me dignity. DWARF-A—”

“Midget-a-toss!” Nuklear Man uttered under his breath and lobbed his cargo.

The Bagpipe Thrusters burst to life, though most musicians would describe it more as an unlife. “I
heard
what ye said!” Angus yelled as he faded into the distance, shaking his fists at Nuklear Man.

Miles behind them, the giant crab lurched forward with increased speed.

__________

Dr. Menace’s computer beeped. “Step 2: Lock on to Nuklear Clod. Scanning... Lock Acquired.” A smile that could kill a man at twenty paces crept across Dr. Menace's exquisite face. Slowly, she reached out to the Evil: Button. She held her finger just out of reach, tantalizing herself.

“It will be soon now. Zo very, very soon. Muwa hahaha!” She pushed The Button.

__________

Angus flew over the beach, past the dunes, and into the middle of traffic. Horns blared, people and tires screamed, and in the heart of it all a tiny man cursed with the frenzy of a rabid wolverine in fast forward.

__________

Atomik Lad sighed despondently as the dwarfish comet arced through the air. “I’d better see what’s going on,” he told Rachel.

__________

The Evil: Satellite charged its Defusionizer Batteries. Dr. Menace had to perform but a few last minute adjustments to compensate for gravitational interference and magnetic anomalies.

__________

Nuklear Man landed on the beach huffing and puffing like someone who’d just run a marathon. “Gaaaaasp. Hold it, I flew.” He stopped panting. “Everyone!” he yelled. No one paid attention. “Bunch of ungrateful pagans.” He cleared his throat purposefully. Still no reaction. “Grrr, I’ll show ‘em. PLAZMAAA BEAM!” He launched a column of fusion-ish Plazma into the sky. It poked a small hole through the thin clouds high above.

__________

An energy bulge glowed from the Defusionizer’s gun barrel. Suddenly, a golden blast from the surface pierced straight through Menace’s Evil: Satellite mere microseconds before it should’ve fired.

Dr. Menace’s computer read, “Step 4: Celebrate Death of Nuklear Buffoon with Global Orgy of Destruction and Chaos... Incomplete.”

The Venomous Villainess leaned her elbows on the computer’s panel, fingers interlocked, thumbs under her chin. Her breathing was steady and calm, a stark contrast to what her eyes told the world. “All right then,” she said with a deliberate effort to keep her voice even. “On to Plan C.”

__________

Nuklear Man held the attention of everyone on the beach. “Finally. Sheesh, took so long I almost, er.” He scratched his head. “What’s that word when you can’t remember something?”

“Forgot?” some random beach-goer offered.

Nuklear Man flopped his hands with exacerbation. “You too?”

Another worshiper of Sol pointed to the ocean. Fear, terror, and all those fight-or- flight instincts kicked in. “A giant crab!”

“That’s right!” Nuklear Man congratulated. “How’d you guess?” The man had already fled.

The megacrab scuttled sideways from the ocean and stood over Nuklear Man. It basked him in its smelly shadow as it examined the world above the waves. Strange things scattered about. Food, probably. But food was not on this creature’s mind. No, not since the alluring mating call. Two in one day. It had been eons since the last. He had to find the source.

“Okay everyone,” Nuklear Man said above the clamor and panic that surrounded him. “Let’s just calm down and leave the scene in a nice orderly fashion. No pushing or shoving or screaming, please.” There were lots of each.

A square foot’s worth of sea glop fell from the giant crab and splortched onto Nuklear Man’s head. “Ah! It’s got me! Run for the hills! Save yourselves! Sidekicks and plot devices first! Think of the Heroes, please won’t somebody think of the Heroes!” The glop slipped off with a wet impact in the sand. “Oh. Er, as I was saying—”

“The sea gods are angry! We have forsaken them for too long. Their vengeance is upon us!” a scholarly looking man hollered as he ran by without his family.

“I told you so, Pastor Williams!” Nuklear Man called as the lunatic sprint past him. He scratched his chin while watching the fleeing masses. “Tsk, these mortals are so excitable,” he said. “Back in my day, we didn’t have panic, only apathy.”

The Crab bellowed. People fell to their knees clutching their crab-call-bloodied ears. The sand leapt, not from the powerful vibrations of the sound waves, but in a massive attempt to get away from the sound entirely.

Nuklear Man cringed from the crabby thunder and looked up to its source, his mouth slightly agape. “Well what’dya know? A giant crab. With those really disgusting mandible thingies. And green drool. And all kinds of slimy gross germs.” More sea muck splatted onto his face. “Hm,” his voice was muffled by the muck. “Kinda tastes like. Kinda
tastes
like?!
Augh!”

A golden lightning bolt streaked through the sky screaming, “I got in my mouth, I got it in my mouth, I got it in my
mouth!”

Atomik Lad watched his mentor rocket away. “Great,” he said to himself. He floated over to The Crab and tried to take in the sheer absurdity of what was going on.

Mighty Metallic Magno Man stood in front of The Crab. He held his arms above him as if to invoke the heavens. His amplified magnetic force wound its way around his body in a sphere of thin blue-white strands of energy. He bobbed in the air, rolled himself into a silvery tungsten ball, accelerated toward the crab, passed it, and with a sound barrier breaking boom, disappeared beyond the horizon.

Atomik Lad stared after Norman with eyes full of disbelief. He looked back at Rachel. She was under the pier, nearly hugging one of its legs. He envied it.

“Um,” he told The Crab. “As acting hero on this scene, I, um, oh geez.”

“Atomik Lad!” He turned to see Dr. Genius near the dunes as she slipped on her lab coat. He caught himself feeling disappointment. “Try to get a sample, I’ll be back at the lab.” She dashed over the dunes and nearly fell over the “Stay Off The Dunes” sign.

“A sample?” Atomik Lad said. “Sure, how hard can it be to get a sample. All by myself.”

The Crab knew one thing about food. It definitely floated. A little snack before the love-fest couldn’t hurt.

Several breaths’ worth of wind were simultaneously knocked out of Atomik Lad as The Crab slapped him out of the air with a blow that would have crushed him had it not been for the very handy existence of his Atomik Field. Gasping for air, he could feel the enormous pincer clutching him and pulling him out of the sand. He tried prying the giant claw open and could have sworn The Crab actually smiled with amusement at his fruitless effort.

“Why can’t I have a normal life?” he grunted.

His Atomik Field began to flicker impotently as if to say, “Oh yeah? Let’s just see how you like it then.”

Flicker, flicker. “Oh damn.”

The Crab’s vice grip tightened around Atomik Lad. He squirmed desperately. “C’mon, you good for nothing red crap,
work!”
His invulnerable Atomik Field faltered. It sputtered pathetic sparks as he mentally clung to its failing existence like a priest faced with indisputable proof of evolution.

A silver blur raced over the dunes and obliterated a chunk of them with its velocity. The huge projectile struck The Crab with a thunderous impact. It sounded to Atomik Lad like God snapped his fingers. In the chaos, Atomik Lad felt himself tumble gracefully face first back into the sand. As the impact’s deafening explosion of sound subsided he could hear, “MAGNO-SMASH!!!” echo across the beach.

Half dazed, he searched the sandy scene for any clue of what just happened. Mighty Metallic Magno Man wobbled toward Atomik Lad. “Man, I gotta work on that attack.” He held his head like he had a hangover. “It’s hard to get the timing down for the battle cry because of the supersonic speed from using the Earth’s diameter as the length of a giant Gauss cannon accelerator. Plus, it makes me really dizzy.”