Nutcase (18 page)

“Mona, would you like Parmesan cheese on your pizza?” I asked, offering her the shaker.

“I’m good,” she repeated. She looked at Jeff. “How old do I look to you?”

I gave an inward sigh.

“Twenty-nine?” he asked.

“I’m thirty-two. Same as Kate,” she added.

“You both look very young.”

That was the thing about Jeff, I thought. He always knew the right thing to say.

Mona emptied her wineglass. “Do you have any idea how much Botox has been injected into this face?” she asked him, slurring her words badly. She held up her glass for Jeff to refill it. He looked at me.

“Your pizza is getting cold,” I told her.

“I’m not hungry,” she said.

Jeff took her glass, got up from the table, and poured the wine. I noticed when he handed it to her that it was only half full. I smiled at him.

Mona leaned across the table. “So, Jeff, tell me about yourself,” she said. “Are you involved with anyone?”

I immediately tensed.

“Actually, I’m too busy to think about having a relationship,” he said. He looked at me. “I put an ad in the newspaper hoping to find someone interested in sharing my practice.”

“Good for you!” I said.

“It must be hard for someone like you to meet someone,” Mona said.

“I think you’ve had enough wine,” I told her, taking her glass.

“You’re right,” she said and came to her feet. “I should go.” She looked at Jeff. “Just so you know, I don’t normally act like such a lush.” She wobbled. Jeff and I jumped up and steadied her so she wouldn’t fall.

“No way are you getting behind the steering wheel of a car,” I said, irritated that she had probably embarrassed Jeff and put a sour note on what was supposed to have been a fun evening. Normally, I chose to have my pity parties alone so I wouldn’t drag others down with me.

“I’ll drive her home,” Jeff said.

I couldn’t hide my annoyance as I handed Mona her purse. “Do you need to use the bathroom or anything before you go?”

She shook her head. “I probably won’t throw up until I get home.”

“Please take the pizza with you,” I told Jeff. “There’s plenty left.”

“No, just keep it. I might have to go back to the office later.”

He and I helped Mona to his car. Once I saw that her seat belt was fastened securely, I closed the door. “I’m really sorry,” I told him, and prayed Mona would not say anything to embarrass him on the ride home.

“Don’t worry about it, Kate.” He took my hand and squeezed it, then hurried around to his side of the car and got in.

Inside, I wrapped the pizza and put it in the refrigerator. The wine I’d drunk had given me a pounding headache, and the day had suddenly caught up with me, leaving me exhausted. I took two aspirin and lay down on the sofa. Mike jumped up and curled against my feet. I closed my eyes and tried to make everything go away.

 

 

 

I don’t know how long I’d been asleep when the kitchen phone rang and yanked me from a sweet dream I’d been having of Jay. I realized I’d fallen asleep on the sofa. I bolted up and hurried into the kitchen, cursing when I stubbed my toe on a chair leg.

I could feel it throbbing as I answered.

“Kate, you’ll never believe what has happened,” my mother said from the other end. I could tell she’d been crying. I instantly became awake.

“What it is?” I asked.

“It’s Trixie,” she said, bursting into tears. “She has eloped with Slick Eddie.”

I flipped on the kitchen light and squinted at the clock over the stove. Five a.m. “When?” I asked.

“She didn’t come home last night. I didn’t get much sleep because I kept listening for her to come home. I just now got up and decided to make coffee. There was a note from her in the canister, telling me that she and Eddie were flying to Vegas to get married!”

I sat down in a chair at the kitchen table. My head felt fuzzy. “I’m sorry, Mom,” I said, not knowing what else to say, at the same time wishing I could get my hands on Eddie Franks. He had taken advantage of my naive aunt. “Give me time to grab a quick shower, and I’ll be over,” I said and hung up. I ran upstairs.

 

 

 

I was thankful that traffic was light. I reached my mom and aunt’s studio in Little Five Points in record time. I pulled behind the building and climbed the back stairs to their apartment. Arnie met me at the back door, wearing what looked to be one of my mother’s old house dresses and a pair of fuzzy bedroom slippers. He hugged me and stepped back so I could enter. “Would you like coffee?” he asked.

“I’d kill for it.”

My mother was sitting at the kitchen table staring into space. I hugged her from behind. She took my hand and held it. “I never thought Trixie would do something like this,” she said. “Marry a man she has known less than a week.”

I took a chair at the antique claw-foot kitchen table that I knew had come from an estate sale. Almost everything my mother and aunt owned had come from estate sales, garage sales, and flea markets, which is why both their place and mine were a mishmash of furnishings.

I was shocked by the lines of grief on my mother’s face. She looked old. “I’m sorry,” I said as Arnie set a mug of coffee in front of me. I noted he’d gotten a French manicure since I’d last seen him.

“It’s my fault,” my mother said. “I complained all the time about Slick Eddie. I ended up pushing your aunt right into his arms.”

“It’s not the end of the world, Mom,” I said. “Maybe it was love at first sight.”

“There’s no such thing,” she grumbled. “That only happens on
The Young and the Restless
.”

I thought of Jay, the way it had felt the night he’d kissed me for the first time. That kiss had changed me forever. “Not necessarily,” I said.

Arnie joined us at the table. “I could be wrong,” he said, “but what I think your mother is feeling right now is a sense of betrayal. Isn’t that right, Dixie?”

She reached for his hand and squeezed it. “You’re so sensitive, Arnell,” she said. She mopped her eyes. “That’s the thing about being someone’s twin. You feel like you know that person as well as you know yourself.”

She blew her nose and continued. “Trixie and I never kept secrets. We could almost read each other’s minds.” She looked at me. “Trixie knew I was in love with your father before I knew it. She even knew I was pregnant with you before I told her. That’s how it was with us, until lately,” she added.

I put my hand on hers. “Mom, I know you’re hurt, but there are worse things than having a family member, even your twin, elope,” I said. “We’re going to have to accept it.”

“You know what I think we should do?” Arnie said.

She looked at him. “Hire a hit man to go after Slick Eddie?”

“I think we should throw a wedding reception for Trixie and Eddie,” he said.

My mom’s mouth formed a large O, but nothing came out. Arnie put his finger beneath her chin and forced her mouth closed.

“He’s right, Mom,” I said. “We have to support Aunt Trixie. I’ve seen too many families disrupted or destroyed because one person didn’t accept another.”

Arnie nodded. “Yeah, look what happened to me.”

“You can’t afford to alienate your own twin,” I told her. “Think what that would do to both of you.” My mother looked at me as though I were speaking a foreign language. “We could have a small party,” I said. “Nothing fancy.”

“I could prepare heavy hors d’oeuvres,” Arnie said, “so we wouldn’t have to worry about a sit-down dinner. I know just the person I can ask to bake a wedding cake. Not one of those froufrou-looking cakes; just something simple. Also, I have a friend who can get champagne at cost. I would take care of it all,” he added, “as a wedding gift for Trixie and Eddie.”

We all waited for my mother to say something. Finally, she sighed. “That’s very nice of you, Arnell,” she said. “I suppose I have no choice but to try and be happy for Trixie because I’m not going to risk losing her. Even if I have to
pretend
to like her lousy husband,” she added. “Even if I have to bite my tongue clean off to keep from telling him how I really feel.”

“Eddie might surprise you, Mom,” I said. “What if he turns out to be a great brother-in-law?” Of course, Eddie and I were going to have a long talk when I got him alone, I reminded myself. I was already lining up in my mind all that I would threaten him with if he hurt my aunt: his life, prison, or castration by my aunt Lou.

We began planning the party. “I would suggest something small and intimate if you want to have the party here,” Arnie said. “Say, no more than twenty-five guests. Otherwise, you’re going to have to rent a place.”

“I like the sound of small and intimate,” my mother said. I could tell she was beginning to relax. “How are we going to know when to hold the party?” she asked. “Trixie didn’t tell me in her note if she and Eddie were planning a honeymoon.”

“Aunt Trixie will call you,” I assured her.

Arnie nodded in agreement. “But I can get a lot done in the meantime,” he said. “I can make food up ahead of time and freeze it.”

My mother got up and reached into a drawer for a spiral notebook. She began making a guest list of those she would invite to the party. She looked at me. “I suppose I’ll have to invite your uncle Bump and his nutso wife,” she said, “but I’m not inviting Lucien. The guests would lose their appetites if they had to look at all his pierced body parts,” she added.

We mulled over the list for an hour when the front door suddenly opened and Aunt Trixie walked in with Eddie behind her.

My mother bolted to her feet, a shocked expression on her face. “Be nice, Mom,” I said under my breath.

She hurried across the room and threw her arms around Trixie’s neck. “Congratulations!” she said. She hesitated only briefly before hugging Eddie. Arnie and I did the same.

“I hope the two of you will have a wonderfully happy life together,” he said.

Trixie’s face flamed red. “Um, thank you,” she said, “but we’re not married.”

My mother gaped. “What!”

“We didn’t go through with it.”

chapter 13

My mother was speechless at first. “What do you mean, you didn’t go through with it? We’ve already planned your party. We’ve decided on the guest list.”

“We changed our minds,” Trixie said.

My mother planted her hands on her ample hips. “Trixie, this is just like you,” she said. “You leave a note telling me you’ve eloped, and just when I’ve planned a beautiful party for you, I find out you changed your mind. How could you do this to me?” she demanded. “You’ve ruined everything!”

I looked at my mom and realized there was no way to win.

Eddie stepped forward. “It’s my fault, Dixie,” he said. “I’m in love with your sister, which is why I decided we shouldn’t get married right now.”

My mother looked from me to Arnie. “Does that make sense to either of you? Because it doesn’t make a darn bit of sense to me.”

Eddie gazed down at the floor. “I did some things in the past that I’m not proud of,” he said. “I don’t want to marry your sister until I make them right.”

The room was silent. I stared at Eddie in disbelief. Inside, I was jumping for joy. I had been waiting for a long time to hear those words come out of his mouth. Remorse.

 

 

I arrived at the office and found Mona wearing sunglasses. “Are you okay?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I am so hung over I get dizzy every time I stand up.”

“I’m sorry to hear it,” I said, although I had trouble mustering up any sympathy at all.

“I did something terrible last night,” she whispered.

“I was there, remember?”

“No, it gets worse.” Her cheeks turned red. “I kissed Jeff. More than once,” she added.

I didn’t know what to say at first. “Well, that’s not so terrible,” I said. “I think,” I added.

“Don’t you get it? I tried to make out with a gay guy!”

“I get it, Mona.”

“I think I embarrassed him. I’ll never be able to face him again.” She suddenly covered her mouth. Her eyes widened in horror.

“What?”

She moved her hand. “Does that make me a lesbian?”

I gave a massive sigh. “No, Mona, you’re not a lesbian. You’re just a very confused person.”

I’d barely gotten the words out before the door opened and in walked Jeff. He had Mona’s wallet in his hand. He looked at her. “You left this in my car last night.”

“Oh no!” Mona said and ducked beneath her desk.

Jeff looked at me.

“She’s embarrassed,” I said. “She told me what happened.”

He shook his head, walked around the desk, and looked down at Mona. “Please don’t be embarrassed,” he said. “You had a little too much to drink, that’s all.”

“You’re damn right I did!” she said. “You should have stopped me from making a big fat fool of myself.”

Jeff ducked beneath the desk and tried to reason with her. The phone rang, and I answered it. My aunt Lou spoke from the other end. Her voice sounded as though it had been through a wood chipper.

“Your uncle has a slight problem,” she said. “He took Viagra last night, and while I am pleased to say that it worked very well, he still has an erection. I wanted to ask you if you think that is normal.”

I buried the sigh that threatened to escape my lips. What the hell did
I
know about normal? “Aunt Lou, we’ve gone over this before. I’m not a medical doctor.”

“Well, you’re no help,” she snapped.

I had counted on this being a good day. “I think you should take Uncle Bump to the ER and have someone look at him.”

“That’s exactly what I told him,” she said, “but he’s too embarrassed. His thingy is sticking straight out. He can’t even zip his pants.”

The last thing I wanted to think of was my uncle’s thingy. “Perhaps he could wear an overcoat,” I suggested.