Obsession (31 page)

“You can. And you will.” He caught her chin and levelled a steady look into her eyes. “You’ll get past this Noelle. You’ll see. We all will.”

They laid
Gabriel to rest at his church four days later. Noelle managed to hold it together, right up until the choir began to sing Amazing Grace. It echoed,
a capella,
around the vaulted ceiling, soaring through her spirit like a razor blade of beauty, and she broke down and wept. By her side, Jax took her hand and all down the pew, the band members, the closest thing Gabriel had to a family, held each other and cried. It was so poignant, so exquisite, so painful...it was as though the music had taken their disbelieving goodbyes and shaped of them a message to God Himself.

The pastor spoke moving words of power and wisdom. Unlike most would be tempted to, he didn’t saint Gabriel in his absence. He spoke of him truthfully
, as damaged but joyous...one of the most vibrant of God’s creatures, because he had been through hell and lived to tell the tale. He spoke of his contributions to the church, how his voice had the power to move millions. He spoke of Gabriel the man, Gabriel the brother, and Gabriel the lover and friend. He had admitted that Gabriel had been flawed, that there had been times that they had despaired of ever saving him, but that in the end he had come right. It was clear that he spoke with a lot of love and no small amount of loss. By the time he was done, there was not a soul in the building that had not felt his words in their hearts.

As they left to follow the coffin on its final journey to the crematorium, the pastor caught up with Noelle.

“May I have a quiet word?” He asked and she nodded, waving the band members on ahead as she dropped back.

“It was a beautiful service, father.” She dabbed her eyes with an already sodden tissue. “Thank you. The music was...” She trailed off, unable to find the words, and he nodded.

“The choir lost one of their own. It gave it a special edge of love.” He pulled her into a side chapel where they wouldn’t be disturbed and smiled sadly at her. “Noelle, I know that Gabriel cared for you deeply. Whatever happened between you, I’ll always be grateful that, for the last couple of months of his life, I wasn’t the only family he had in his heart. I wanted to come and see you after he died, but I didn’t have your address. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to visit every now and then. He brought you to my flock. I’d very much like for you to remain in it.”

“God and I don’t always see eye to eye, father.” She admitted and he smiled.

“He and I don’t always see eye to eye either.” He confessed in return. “I’m sure there are many things that I will never understand, but every day I ask His forgiveness for my doubts.” He put a kind hand on her shoulder. “What do you say? Will you make this your Church? Will you allow me to comfort and strengthen you?”

“I’ll come.” The ever-present tears threatened once more. “But don’t ask me to pray for forgiveness
, father. It’s too late. I’m already lost and I don’t believe in redemption anymore.”

For a sneak peek at Part 2: Redemption, read on!

She came awake in the darkness, heart pounding and her skin flushed and damp with perspiration.

“Noelle?” She jumped as Jax’s sleepy voice floated out of the darkness.

“
It’s okay, go back to sleep.” Sliding out of bed, she moved to the bathroom for a glass of water. Her throat was parched from breathing hard.

“Was it another nightmare?” The bedside light came on and he blinked blearily at her as she stopped in the doorway.

“Yes.” She quivered, fighting her body’s response to the memory of what she had been doing in her dreams.

“The same one?”

“Yes.” She bit the word out, angry at herself.

“I wish you’d tell me about them.” He sighed. “I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong. Is it Gabriel?”

“It’s always Gabriel.” Forcing herself to keep moving, she fetched a glass of water and sat on the edge of the bed, letting the cold liquid soothe her raw throat and jangled nerves.

“Noelle?”
Jax’s arms came around her, his legs on either side as he hugged her from behind. “Please talk to me.” He begged. “Tell me about the nightmares. Why isn’t the counselling helping?”

“Because I can’t speak to her about it!”
She blurted out, and once the floodgates were open, there was no holding back. “I’m sick, Jax. Sick. And I don’t know how to tell her. I don’t know how to tell everyone. You’ve all got it in your heads that I’m a sweet, good, kind person and I’m not. Not even close. You want to know what I dream about? I dream about hurting him the same way he hurt me. I dream about taking him to the playroom, chaining him up like a dog and violating him in exactly the same way he violated me.”

“That’s natural.” Jax sounded confused. “Of course you’re going to be angry...”

“I’m not angry!” She tore herself away from him and stood on the far side of the room, her arms wrapped protectively around herself. “I’m sick, Jax.” Her eyes widened as she swallowed tears. “Sick.”

“It’s not sick.” He disagreed. “It’s a normal part of grieving.”

“It’s not! And you know how I know it’s not? Because I
like
it.” She said fiercely. “I
like
hurting him. It gets me off. The more he screams, the closer I am to coming. It’s wrong and I know it’s wrong and I can’t stop it.” Turning away, she fled for the safety of the guest room, pushing the door closed behind her and slumping on the floor against it. She couldn’t be with Jax right then, couldn’t face the judgement she knew would be in his eyes. She was sick. She was twisted and messed up. She was losing her mind. She was turning into
him
.

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