Obsession: Loving An Alpha Male (37 page)

That’s what I feel when Mama Joe hugs me, and Pops. When Liliana puts her arm through mine, and when Malcolm places a protective arm around my shoulders.

And the moment I see Josh, I feel everything he feels for me by just looking in his eyes. He doesn’t have to touch me, and I can feel how much he loves me, desires me and just... I don’t know how to explain it. I just know he doesn’t hesitate to make me feel how much he loves me in everything he does. It’s overpowering, it’s exhilarating, and it’s so fucking intense. I feel sometimes I’m going to lose my mind if I don’t have him.

I feel like I need him, desperately. He has told me multiple times that I was his obsession. Well, he’s mine too.

I heard footsteps behind me, and I quickly wiped my eyes, feeling tears collecting and not from the brisk wind blowing off the Atlantic. Wayne came up next to me and put his jacket on my shoulders.

“So that was something back there. I’m liking the new Kenya.”

I looked over at his smiling face, and I couldn’t help but smile back.

“Yeah well, the new Kenya is so exhausted from dealing with her family.”

Wayne leaned over the wooden rail that protected us from the falling in the ocean and looked down into the blackness.

“Yeah, I will admit your family is a lot to take.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “Yeah well, my advice to you is get out while you can.”

Wayne was silent for a minute, and I continued to look out at the night sky.

“Can I ask you a question?” Wayne said to me.

“Sure.”

“When things went bad for you, why didn’t you call me?”

I looked over at Wayne and rolled my eyes in the night as I responded, “Seriously Wayne… the way we left things, the things you said to me, I felt like we weren’t friends anymore. Besides, what would you have done anyway?”

He stood tall and turned me to face him. “Look, I know the shit I said was fucked up, and to be honest, I didn’t mean any of it. It was my father. He told me that Noah wanted you, and that you two made more sense than the two of us. I fought it though, Kenya. You have to believe me but… I mean, I guess you were right. I couldn’t stand up to my father for you. How was I going to protect you?” Wayne looked down at the deck and exhaled. When he looked back at me, he said simply, “But I like to believe I would have at least tried to figure something out. I mean, to think that son of a bitch put his hands on you. That’s unacceptable.”

I knew that look of defensiveness and helplessness in his eyes. He felt guilty because he wasn’t there for me. I get it, but honestly, this wasn’t about him. I couldn’t feel bad because I didn’t lean on him, someone that was just as weak as I was.

I said to him, “Wayne, you and I both know I couldn’t go to you. You would have tried your best, I have no doubt, but I didn’t feel you were able to help me. I mean, what happened during those times I was MIA living with Noah? You told me you were moving on and that I didn’t matter to you anymore.” I put my hands up to stop him and added, “Regardless if you didn’t mean it or not, I felt like I had no one. No one cared that Noah had me locked up in his house. I felt alone, and I had no one. I had to learn to help myself, and I did that.”

I moved closer to Wayne and I told him, “Look, I don’t blame you, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m sure if you were able to help me, you would have. There was just no way you could you’ve helped. No, the only person who could was Nickels, and he came through just when I needed him.”

Wayne studied my eyes and slowly brought his hand up to my face. He touched my cheek lightly.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough back then to stand up for you.”

I smiled slightly and stepped back from his touch.

“You’re definitely forgiven, Wayne.”

I took off his jacket, handed it back to him and walked back toward the hall. It was time for me to call it a night and go back home. Or rather, to the beach house I was calling home for the moment. Maybe Malcolm had, had enough and could take me home.

Josh was exhausted from the twelve hour trip home, but he was running on the need to see her. He’d gotten updates on how she was doing, but the deep need to see her with his own eyes, to feel her in his arms was too overwhelming for him to wait. The moment he walked into the hall his eyes went in search of her. He heard a screech from his left, and he smiled. He knew exactly who that was and braced himself for the impact that was undoubtedly coming.

Liliana slammed into her brother just as he opened his arms to her.

“Shit woman…” He laughed and kept hold of her.

When they parted, she punched him in the chest. “Damn, it took you long enough to get home.”

He grinned. “Yeah well, I had a pit stop to make in Mexico, so…”

Liliana stared at him. “Yeah and were you successful?”

Josh shook his head.

He tilted her chin and said, “My dear sister, what do you think?”

Josh was then surrounded by his brother and his parents. He kissed his mother, hugged her and his father. Malcolm came up to him and clasped his forearm.

“Glad to see you made it in one piece.” He looked behind Josh. “Where’s Shane?”

“Parking the car. Where’s…” Josh’s voice trailed off when he caught a glimpse of someone in the corner of his eye.

He turned and found Kenya walking inside the hall. He froze, captivated by her as if he was seeing her for the first time. She was beautiful and strong. The dress she wore contoured her curves and complexion. Her hair was in loose curls, and she wore very light makeup that only accentuated her beauty. It was a struggle to grab air in his lungs, she took his breath away with every sway of her hips.

He moved away from his family unable to take his eyes from her. When she finally saw him, she stopped too.

Josh felt the stupid grin spread across his face and shyness and humbleness took over. He couldn’t move any further he thought, as he knew his knees would give out.

Kenya smiled back. She took a few deep breaths and the warmth and calmness she mentioned earlier washed over her. There he was. He was in one piece, and he looked incredible. He was in another black Italian suit, that from this distance, she couldn’t tell what brand. He cut his hair, but he left his five o’clock shadow trimmed and lined along his jaw.

She wanted to feel him, she wanted to touch him. She needed him she knew, and she didn’t care what that made her or what other people felt or thought. He was the other fifty percent to make her whole, and she wanted nothing in the world but to feel how whole he could make her over and over again for the rest of her life.

Josh made the first move finally, unable to resist her any longer.

Kenya moved too, and the moment they were in arm’s length, he pulled her into his embrace.

“Oh God, Sweets, I’ve missed you so much…” Josh mumbled in her neck.

He felt her body tremble but wondered if it was really hers or his own body that was trembling. He hugged her tighter, wanting to never forget the feeling of her body.

When she moved back from him, he wasted no time claiming her mouth. He’d thought and dreamed of tasting her again ever since he found her laying in that hole. The craving and hunger threatened to consume him, but he didn’t deepen the kiss. He knew the moment he did that, he wouldn’t be able to stop. He did make sure to get a sufficient taste of his woman before he pulled back and rested his forehead against hers.

While he kept his eyes closed, his hands roamed her face and her arms, her back, her hips, trying to satisfy the urges for skin–to–skin contact.

He felt her hands go through his hair, down the back of his neck to his shoulders and back. Her hands went inside his jacket with her own need to touch her skin to his.

She growled in frustration, and Josh couldn’t help but chuckle, as he was feeling the same way. He leaned slightly away from her so he could look in her eyes. He brought both his hands back up to the sides of her face.

“Hey, Sweets,” he whispered.

She smiled. “Hey.”

They brought their foreheads together again, and both found themselves smiling.

“Are you okay?” she asked him.

“Yes, baby, I’m fine,” he told her.

“Good, I wouldn’t want to have to beat Shane’s ass.”

Josh chuckled and brought his eyes on hers.

“I’m sure he’s grateful.”

Slowly, as he looked in her eyes he felt that same overwhelming feeling he would always get when he was around her. He was losing control, and as always, she was about to bring him to his knees.

Kenya kept her eyes locked on his reddened ones, not wanting to break that deep connection that she was feeling. It was as if they were the only two people in the room.

Josh took a deep breath and said, “Kenya, I never thought I would ever find a woman like you. I’ve been captivated by you since that day I saw you on the track.” She smiled and blushed. His fingers lightly caressed her face. “The moment I touched you, I felt something that I’ve never felt before. I couldn’t stop thinking about you from that day on, and I realized it was that very moment when I fell in love with you. Your innocence and compassion filled me. When you touched me, I was instantly humbled by you.” He paused, took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You took my breath away.”

“Josh…”

Josh saw the tears collect then fall as he confessed his feelings to her without any hesitation.

“You’ve changed me, made me better, made me stronger, your touch soothes me, your gaze humbles me, and your heart endures me. I just don’t make sense without you. The control and power you have over me scares the shit out of me, but I don’t care. I give you my heart to do as you will. You’re the love of my life, Kenya, and there is no way I can live my life without you.”

Josh stepped back from her slightly and moved down to one knee. Kenya’s eyes widened, and her shaking hands instantly went to her mouth.

“You’re the only person that has brought me to my knees in more ways than one. Please say you’ll be my wife, the mother of my kids, my partner, my lover, my best friend in life. I promise to love you for the rest of both our lives. Marry me, Kenya…”

Josh reached in his jacket pocket but was surprised himself when Kenya went to her knees in front of him. She placed both her hands on his face. He could see her struggling to say what she needed to say without collapsing, passing out or hyperventilating.

“Josh, I love you so much. There’s no me without you… your my protector, my lifeline. I’m just not complete without your love for me. No one has ever loved me the way that you do. No one has ever made me feel safe and wanted and desired more than you. My heart belongs to you, I belong to you and no other. I’m so sorry it took me so long to tell you how much I love you. I was afraid that if I spoke my feelings in existence that you’d be taken from me like so many bright moments in my life. But I’m not afraid anymore. My obsession is you; you make me complete in every way. Yes, I’ll be your wife. Yes, I’ll be the mother of our kids. Yes, I’ll be your partner as long as Misty is okay with it; I don’t want to have to kick her ass too.” She smiled through her tears. She rubbed his stubble face. “Yes, I’ll be your lover, your best friend in life and after. I promise to love you and cherish you for the rest of both our lives.” She brought his lips to hers and kissed him. She said in between kisses, “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

Josh embraced her to him tight, kissing her back. This time he was about to deepen the kiss when a loud clapping brought him back to where he was. He moved back from her and looked around to find everyone had circled around them.

Josh looked at a red–faced Kenya and pulled her into him. She went willingly and hid her face in his jacket. She inhaled deeply, and he pulled her up until her feet touched the ground. He kissed her head and kept hold of her tight. When she pulled back on her own, she was still blushing. She then frowned, took her thumb and wiped it along his lips.

He smiled broadly and shook his head. He bent down quickly and kissed her again. She growled and punched his chest as he laughed then wiped at his mouth with her thumb.

Josh pulled her left hand to him, reached in his pocket and pulled out a rose colored diamond. It was a flawless, two carat diamond placed on a white gold band.

“It’s beautiful…” she whispered.

Mama Joe was the first to break the couple up by embracing Kenya. She was followed by Liliana, who was still crying, Pops, Malcolm and Shane.

Josh noticed Kenya looking around, and he could only assume she was looking for her family. Josh’s eye followed Kenya’s, and it fell on her mom, Wayne, and Rasheda. He didn’t see anyone else and even wondered if they bothered showing up.
Probably not
, he thought to himself. Kenya moved to embrace her mom, and he hoped this would be the start of them healing. She needed that from them, and he would definitely make sure it happened for her.

“Oh, Josh, I’m…”

“Come on, baby, give it to me…”

“I am just… right there yes… I…Ah…..”

Josh pounded into me from behind, a position that I was beginning to enjoy tremendously.

Josh yelled my name with his release then slowly pulled out of me before he collapsed on the bed next to me. I turned and laid on my back, trying to catch my breath. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. I mean, every time I see him I get horny, and I attack.

I know Josh is too macho to admit it, but I know I’m tiring him out. I mean, I’m tiring myself out.

Josh moved to his side and brought his hand to my neck. He took his finger and ran a line down my chest bone, then moved to circle my left nipple then my right.

“These are beautiful, Sweets,” he said to me.

I had my eyes closed so I just moaned my response. I was still trying to catch my breath.

“Do you need your inhaler?” he asked me.

Lately I’ve been having difficulty breathing, so my doctor put me on albuterol to use only if necessary. I only seem to get out of breath like multiple times of the day but whatever.

“No, I’m good,” I told him.

He continued to rub my nipples and squeeze them, causing me to yelp in pain.

“Can you be a little bit gentler?” I asked him, opening my eyes so he could see the seriousness in them.

He ignored me and pinched one of my nipples again.

“You know you like it rough.”

I rolled my eyes. He was right of course, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Josh leaned in and kissed my nipple then lapsed his tongue over it once then twice.

“I’m sorry, Sweets. Is that better?”

I moaned again as I felt the heat between my legs turn up. Shit, all he had to do is breathe on me, and I swear he knew it too.

He moved his mouth from my nipple and continued moving his hands to my belly. This is where he spent most of his time as of late. He circled my belly and rubbed it then leaned into me and kissed it.

“You are so sexy with this belly of yours.” He looked up at me and smiled.

“Yeah, try lugging this belly around all day.”

He stuck out his lip in a pout. “Does Mommy want Daddy to make her feel better?”

His hand traveled down in between my legs, and he began to give me the infinite pleasures that drove me crazy. I arched my back into his touch and circled my hips.

“Oh God, Josh, you are so…. Oh yes, right there please…”

“Anything for you, Sweets…”

He kept his rhythm then leaned over me and kissed me. He was driving me crazy I couldn’t take anymore… I needed him again.

I pushed him down, climbed on top of him, with his help of course, and slid down slowly on him.

He hissed and closed his eyes as I positioned myself comfortably on top of him before I rode the hell out of my man until both of us were heavily sated.

Later that night I awoke to a protective arm around my stomach and my back against a solid muscled chest. It was pitch black in the room, and typically I would freak out. But ever since Josh had been with me, the amount of nightmares I would endure went down, and I could lay in the dark as long as he was by my side.

Otherwise I couldn’t sleep. My dreams of Noah choking me had been replaced with other more tormenting memories of being in that stupid hole. The doctor that I was seeing said that will go away over time, but I doubted it. I didn’t want darkness to be a part of my life again, and until I no longer equate what happened to me to being in the dark, I’ll probably always be afraid of it.

I moved to get up, but Josh’s arm tightened against my stomach.

I whispered, “I’m going to the bathroom.”

He grunted and let go of me. He knew the routine.

After I went to the bathroom and washed my hands, I grabbed a throw blanket from the rocking chair in our room and walked out onto the deck off our upstairs bedroom.

So let me bring you up to speed, again. First and foremost, yes, I’m pregnant; eight months to be exact. As you know, Josh proposed to me at his parents’ anniversary party. I swear, for two weeks after that night, we never left that beach house. I mean, he didn’t let me leave the house, he didn’t leave the house and he didn’t let anyone come and visit. It was just me and him making up for the months we were apart.

I smiled and rubbed my belly. I think that weekend was when I conceived this little guy I have in my belly. I’m getting too far ahead of myself. So after the two weeks screw fest we had, he let me up for air only to plan our wedding. He wanted me to be his wife like yesterday, but his mom talked him into a month’s time.

He agreed he would wait that long… And his mom, me and my mom surprisingly got together and planned a shot put wedding in less than four weeks. When I tell you that everything was beautiful, I’m not just saying that because it was my wedding. It was really beautiful.

Josh’s entire family covered the small church we found as well as the hall we used for the anniversary dinner for his parents. He and I took lots of pictures by the beach and on the beach. They turned out to be fabulous, especially one that caught us in a very intimate moment. We were waiting for the photographer to get his camera ready, so I was watching the waves come in. Josh moved close to me and hovered, looking down on me.

I remember him saying, “Hello, Mrs. Cooper.”

I looked down at my wedding band, and he laced his fingers in with mine. I smiled still looking at our entwined hands, the color of them. He moved our hands up to my face, and he brushed his fingers lightly against my cheek.

“Do you know how much I love you?”

I finally looked up into his eyes.

“Yes…” I said softly.

“Good, don’t you ever forget it.” He then kissed my nose lightly, and I leaned into him. He moved to wrap his arms around my waist, and we faced the ocean. He lightly kissed my shoulder. “You are so beautiful, but today, baby you glowed.”

I smiled. “I’m happy…”

“Yeah?”

I turned and brought my hands to his face.

“You are the reason for that happiness. This was by far the best day of my life. Thank you for loving me…”

He pulled me tighter against him and replied, “Thank you for loving me…”

I got on my tippy toes as our lips met. As we kissed, I completely forgot about the photographer.

All that time he was snapping away, catching us lightly touching each other, kissing each other. There was one picture where Josh was behind me, and he brought my hand to his lips. He closed his eyes and kissed my palm, and I just watched him and smiled.

That picture showed Josh in the most vulnerable position I had ever seen him. It’s rare that he lets go completely, even with me, and that moment you could see his love for me all over his face. We blew that picture up and placed it in our living room above our fireplace.

So after the night we got married, Josh whisked me away to Maui where we barely left our hotel room. I also think that may have been the time I conceived. We flew all that way, and we barely got our feet wet. He kept me locked up in our room. Josh did promise me we would come back, and we did. He also took me to the Fiji islands and Belize. We were on our way to Bali for two weeks, but I found out I was pregnant, and Mr. Overprotective grounded us.

I had no idea I was pregnant at the time. My period had been crazy unpredictable since the kidnapping, so if I missed a period, it wasn’t an issue. No, what was the hint that something was wrong with me was the crying fits I would have. I had my first one when we bought this new beach house in Virginia Beach.

Malcolm told me about two weeks into me living at the house in Ocean City that it belonged to Josh, and I loved that house, but to me, the only thing that felt warm and inviting was the bed. Plus, it was too far from Mama Joe, Pops and Liliana. So Josh and I looked all over the tri–state area and settled on Virginia Beach. It was twenty minutes from his parents’ home, and yet, the house was large and warm and everything I wanted. It was far enough from the beach too, so if we got a storm and things started flooding, we would be okay. We lived on a cliff overlooking the ocean. We were far enough away from the cliff too so we wouldn’t fall in the ocean. And we had a spectacular view. We had about six houses on our street, each with plenty of space between us, and we all got to enjoy the ocean.

So the day we were looking at the house I had a great vibe from it. Josh, on the other hand, kept talking about all the work he would have to do before it would be ‘move in ready’.

“I want this house, Josh. It’s close to your parents, and yet, I still get the same view as the house in Maryland. We’re by the beach, so we still have the scenery.”

Josh looked at me. “Sweets, I get it, but it needs a lot of work; the floors need to be redone, the bathrooms, paint, and that’s just for starters. And really do you need this much room?”

I looked at him and burst out crying. I mean, I full–fledged cried. The relator stopped dead in his tracks and looked from me to Josh and frowned at Josh. Josh was stunned, and hell, so was I.

“Sweets, baby…” he cooed and walked toward me, but I backed away.

“Give me a good reason why we can’t have this house. It’s not too big for the family you wanted, and we would have spare bedrooms for people that would come and visit us.” I sniffled then started balling again. I added in between sobs, “Please, just don’t say no right away…”

Josh moved close to me and put his arms around my waist. He kissed my forehead and wiped my eyes.

“Alright, Sweets, we’ll take it.”

“Really… I mean, we’ll do it. We’ll buy the house?”

“Yes… You know I’ll do anything for you. So if you want this house, it’s yours.”

In the end, Josh was right of course, the house did need some work, and we invested a hell of a lot of money, but to me it was worth it. And the owners came down on the price too, which Josh was happy about.

The other two times I lost it was once when we were going out to dinner. I was running late of course, and I was trying to rush and get dressed. When I tried to put on my bra, it wouldn’t fit. I mean, I tried at least eight bras, and I was over flowing in them all.

When Josh came up to check on me, I was sitting on the bed crying my eyes out.

I knew it took all of him not to laugh when I told him what happened, but all he said to me was, “Tomorrow we can go out and buy new bras.”

I knew he thought I was crazy, and so did I actually. My therapist wasn’t any help giving me psychobabble that didn’t make sense or I couldn’t relate to. I wasn’t feeling any of the things she described that I ‘must be going through’. I was fine right up until the second I wasn’t.

The last draw happened when we had a family dinner at his parents’ house. I was making the sauce for lasagna, and Josh came in the kitchen and sampled the sauce. Now normally I ask him to taste it, and he’d tell me a little more oregano or more salt or garlic. But today when he told me I needed more oregano, I burst into tears.

After he said that, he got cussed out in Italian by his mom. His sister threw an apple at him, and Malcolm gave him the deadliest look I had ever seen.

I felt bad for him, I did, and I tried to tell them it was okay, but I couldn’t stop crying.

That night when we were laying in the bed, Josh whispered in my ear… “When’s the last time you had your period?”

It was crazy because I really couldn’t tell him, and I burst into tears again….

Needless to say, Josh was happy and relieved that I was pregnant. He was starting to lose his mind with all the crying. Funny thing though, once I found out I was pregnant, the crying bought stopped.

Okay so what else….

Oh yes, so I haven’t spoken to my father since the day I got engaged or my sister Latisha for that matter. What I can say is, my mom and I are getting better. We go to counseling together when she comes at least once a month to visit me. Rasheda and I are okay, but I know she is of the same mindset as Latisha as far as the attention I got as a kid.

Josh tells me not to worry about them. He agrees with Wayne that they’re just jealous, but again, I didn’t see it until he said to me…

“Just look at all the times they did something conniving. Anytime you accomplished something, they found a way to take that joy away from you mainly because they couldn’t do half of what you’re capable of. You said one sister is now working as your dad’s assistant, your old job, and the other is dating your ex best friend. They probably couldn’t wait to get you out of the way. If you can’t see that they want what you have so badly; I don’t know how else to show you.”

I never thought of it that way, but I guess he had a point.

The highlight of my life, or one of them, was the day I met my maternal grandparents, my aunts and uncles and my cousins. I was a ball of emotions that day. I mean, I cried so much I exhausted myself more than the pregnancy was already doing.

It was so refreshing to see like minds. To see family that looked like me, talked like me and had the same brain as me. I instantly connected with them as if I was their child and not my moms. I speak to them every day, especially my grandfather, who every chance he gets tries to get me to work for him. Josh however isn’t having it.