Oceanswept (18 page)

S
everal days before we were scheduled to reach Curaçao, a knock on my door woke me in the middle of the night.

“Nicholas?”

“Would you please come out?” he asked.

“Is something wrong?”

I squinted in the direction of the portholes. It was still dark.

“No. I just need to talk to you.”

“Let me dress. I will be just a moment.”

Concerned that something was amiss, I hastily threw on my tattered silk dress and hurried to the deck where Nicholas was standing at the helm with his back to me, staring into the distance.

I rushed to the other side of the wheel where I could look at him.

“Is everything all right?” I searched his face for the hovering doom that caused him to wake me in the middle of the night.

He looked surprised at my agitation and took my hand. “Of course.”

Still unconvinced, I scanned the horizon, looking for anything that might signal trouble. Nothing was out of place.

I turned back to Nicholas, confused. “You needed to talk to me?”

“Mm-hmm,” he nodded casually and gestured to two wooden chairs he had arranged near the helm.

The setup briefly reminded me of the last time I had seen chairs arranged on the deck—at my trial. My foreboding deepened. I sat down nervously, unsure of what to expect.

I scrutinized his every move, hoping to glean some insight into why he summoned me. He was as casual as ever, gracefully sitting in his chair, then scooting it closer to me. I looked into his eyes, but he was looking somewhere else. I could not catch his attention. Did he even know what this was doing to me? My palms grew damp. Though the ketch wasn’t in imminent danger, something was not right.

Nicholas held my face in his hands and kissed me slowly. I tried to discern any difference in this kiss, wondering if this was a kiss goodbye. Maybe I was just a bale of cotton after all, doomed to be left at port.

“Where are you, Tessa?” he whispered between kisses.

“Right here?” I answered uncertainly.

“No,” Nicholas breathed into my ear, “you are not here with me. You are a hundred leagues away.”

His lips found mine once more and though I kissed him back, I failed to mask my anxiety at this bizarre behavior.

“Tessa.” Nicholas sat back in his chair and clasped his hands together.

I stared wide-eyed, bracing myself for the words that would come next. He must have realized that I had been right all along—that he did not belong in London. That he needed to stay here at sea. Our lives were too different. He would tell me that when we landed in Curaçao, it would be time to go our separate ways.

“I have been on my own a long time. A rat on the streets. A sailor on the sea. And a pirate officer after that. It has been a long time since I have answered to the laws of society or even thought about what anyone wanted but me. I do what I please and I take what I want.”

I sat rigid in my chair, my hands tightly clenched in my lap. I reminded myself to breathe. My uneasy heart grew heavy, ready for the break that was coming next.

Nicholas finally seemed to see me and sense my worry. “Relax,” he chuckled as he touched my knee. “You make me nervous.”

Trying to be brave, I nodded vigorously. A little too vigorously, eliciting more laughter. How could he laugh at a time like this? I could understand his reasons for leaving, but did he have to be cruel? That was too much. I bit my lip to keep it from quivering.

Leaning towards me and taking my hand, he continued. “It occurred to me that I can’t always be like that. It’s not always about what
I
want.”

I closed my eyes, ready for his final words.

“I need to do what is right by you. So I need you to tell me what you want.”

My eyes flew open. “Wh-what
I
want?” I stammered.

He nodded, suddenly serious.

I replayed the words he said. I was not sure exactly what they meant, but I was fairly certain they did not mean goodbye. “I-I’m not quite sure I follow you.” Maybe I was in too much shock to understand that he was letting me down softly.

His eyes locked securely with mine. “I want to be with you. I knew you were special from the moment I saw you and since then, every moment we have shared confirms that you’re my north star. You are what I want to guide my journey by.

“Because of the life I’ve lived, I tend to act on my assumptions like they’re gospel—like it’s all that matters to everyone involved. But things are different now. So I need to know what you want. How do you feel about me...about us?”

He leaned back in his chair and waited, more serious than before.

Blowing out a sigh, I pushed my windblown hair from my face. “Nicholas! Do you know how much you worried me just now? I thought this was going to be something horrible.”

A look of confusion flashed across his face. Then he realized what I had been thinking. He smiled apologetically. “I am sorry, I just...” he sighed, “I just did it again, didn’t I? I figure out something I want—like talking to you about all this—and I discard everything else. As if this couldn’t have waited until morning! I shouldn’t have wakened you and I am so sorry for scaring you.”

“It’s all right,” I smiled, still finding my emotional footing. “I’m glad you did. I admire your directness. It is refreshing in a world of ostentation and charades. I only hope that I can be as honest.”

Nicholas visibly stiffened.

Now he was anxious. He had no reason to be. How could he not know that? It was so ridiculous, but as I was still recovering from my near heart attack, I found a small bit of satisfaction in his discomfort.

“Relax. Please. Now you are making
me
nervous. I just mean that I have spent so much time in that world of pretension that I find it very difficult to speak so candidly of my feelings.”

I carefully weighed my words before I spoke, still unnerved by my uncontrollable desire for the man that sat across from me. I desperately wanted to tell him how I felt. How I didn’t want to spend another moment without him. How my entire future
shone in his eyes. I wanted to tell him how special he made me feel and how afraid I was that I would be unable to make him feel the same way, and that he would tire of me eventually. My heart tattooed in my chest, and I grew too nervous to say a tenth of what I wanted.

“I agree with your sentiment and feel no differently.” I regretted the words as soon as they were out. Though I wanted to check my longing somewhat, I sounded like I was finalizing a business venture.

Flashing a warm smile, Nicholas leaned in close to me and took my hand again. “Good. I want to do this right for you, but I don’t quite know how. So I need you to tell me what to do.”

He was nervous. I could tell from the softness in his voice, the hunger in his eyes. It was entirely endearing. My nerves returned and, again, I was apprehensive about what he would say next, although now it was a much different feeling.

“Do we...Should I...I mean...Do we need to marry?” he finally blurted. “You are just seventeen. I do not know if that is...if that is the right age...if you have other intentions. I just...I just...I just...I don’t know. But I want to know. I
need
to know.”

He seemed as if he was going to keep bumbling along and, as amusing as it was to see him as lost in love as I felt, I stopped him with a kiss.

“
N
icholas Holladay, did you just ask me to marry you?”

Nicholas smiled crookedly, the gauzy moonlight illuminating his strong cheekbones. He flittered nervously. “No. I just asked you if I needed to ask you to marry me.”

I thought that over, raising my eyebrows at his logic. “Oh. I see. Well, in that case, I suppose I do not need to answer.”

A frustrated pain filled his eyes.

I teasingly slapped his arm. “If you want to ask me, then why don’t you just ask me? Or maybe you don’t really want to ask me. Maybe you think that you have to, and that’s the only reason why.” I scowled at him playfully, yet partially believing what I said.

“No, Tessa. It isn’t that I feel
obligated
. I just wanna do everything right. And
if
I were to ask you, it would not be here on some old putrid fishing ketch in the middle of nowhere. It would be perfect. Maybe in Paris. There would be dancing and jewels and romance. It would be perfect.”

Reluctantly, I took my eyes away from his and took in my surroundings. A balmy zephyr breeze warmed the night. An endless sea of stars glittered across the sky. I sat next to the man I loved and we were the only two people in the universe.

“I cannot imagine a night more perfect than this,” I whispered. “A sky full of diamonds. The ocean waves dancing against the ship. And you. It’s really all I could ever ask for.”

“But I am not asking,” Nicholas insisted, a small smile on his full lips.

“I would say yes. But since you are not asking…”

Nicholas pursed his lips and scowled in mock annoyance.

“At least now there is no need for you to be so nervous next time,” I offered in truce.

His face lit up. “That does help.”

After a moment of comfortable silence, Nicholas said, “You still haven’t told me what you want. I mean, before, you were a little apprehensive about being completely alone with me—”

“I’m fine now.”

“I know. But still...You would be alone with me quite a lot. It’s not the way things are usually done. And we are both a bit unusual ourselves, so I have no qualms. But I know it is not the life you always dreamt of. Just tell me what you want.”

“Nothing sounds more wonderful than a hundred thousand days exactly like this.”

“Good. Still…this is not what you dreamt about growing up. What I want to know is what you expected your future to be like. Back in London, before you met me. What were your expectations then?”

I rolled my eyes. I did not want to say. It didn’t matter what I wanted then. This was bigger, this was more.

“Tell me,” he insisted.

I stood and turned away.

“You really want to know? Fine, I’ll tell you. Leisure. Vanity. Riches. That’s what my life was going to be. Formal courtships. Dozens of suitors. I’d settle on the one who could offer me the most—an impressive income, a respectable profession…someone who could increase my status.” I rattled off the words, knowing their sting. “He’d work endlessly, establishing an immaculate reputation for our family. I would busy myself with tea parties and concerts, forever entertaining the aristocrats of Europe. Eventually, there would be children. And life wouldn’t be complete without a summer home on the banks. I would die an old woman, surrounded by wealth and reputation, but without a shred of passion in my life. Fairly standard dreams.”

“Fairly standard,” Nicholas repeated quietly to himself.

We waited in silence. I was afraid of what he was thinking.

“I want to know more,” he said. “Tell me about your suitors. You’ve been courted before?”

“Nicholas, please,” I begged. “This is nonsense. None of it matters anymore.”

“I know,” he said quickly, “Your expectations have changed. I understand. Mine are a lot different, too, compared to six months ago. I just want to know.”

“Why?” I demanded. “You are comparing yourself to a life I do not even want.”

He was taken aback. I must have unmasked his true intentions.

“I am not comparing,” he defended, though I was unconvinced. “Knowing who you were then helps me understand you better now.”

“Does it really? I don’t compare myself to your past conquests, and it hasn’t seemed to hinder our connection.”

“What?”

I should not have said that. I turned away, not wanting to answer, but knowing he would demand it.

“What past conquests?”

Nicholas stalked over to me, grabbing my arm and spinning me to face him. “What are you talking about?”

I pulled my arm from his grip. “I never pressed for details. But it was no secret that you frequented the bordello. All the girls knew your name.”

“The bordello?”

“Charlotte,” I said, watching for his reaction.

Nicholas groaned in vexation. “That trollop. She’s just bitter because I never gave her any business. C’mon, Tess. I became quartermaster at eighteen. You really think I had time for conquests?”

“Frankly, I don’t care to think about your past. I only brought it up because you refuse to let go of mine.”

Nicholas gestured to the sails overhead. “Someday you will tire of this, Tessa. Maybe you’ll tire of me.”

“Are you insinuating that a fancy courtship and marriage proposal is all it will take to keep me by your side? To yoke me to you? You must think me so shallow.”

I looked at him quizzically, eager for an explanation.

Nicholas pulled me to him and lightly kissed my forehead. “Goodnight, luv. It’s time for me to go to bed. Again, I am sorry I woke you.” He flipped over the sandglass kept near the helm to mark the passing of the hours.

Before I could argue, he bounded down the ladder and into his cabin.

“What? Wait!” I stormed after him. “You wake me up in the middle of the night, making me think something is terribly wrong. You propose marriage, then take it away. You make me talk about things I would rather not think about. You question my loyalty. And then wish me a goodnight? We are not done talking.”

Nicholas pivoted in his cabin. “It was very rude. I admit it and I apologize. But my watch is over and I have to sleep, or I will be worthless at sunrise.”

“You cannot end our conversation like this.”

“I’m exhausted, Tessa. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Remember when you said it was time for you to consider what others want? Well, I want to talk to you. Now.”

Nicholas shrugged. He began unbuttoning his shirt, the soft cotton falling open over his chest. I covered my eyes and turned my back in shock.

“I really must go to bed,” he said. “If you care to join me…”

I pounded to my room, slamming my door. “You’re impossible!” I yelled. He never answered.

Nicholas was right—once he set his mind to something, there was little else anyone could do to stop him.