Off Sides (11 page)

Ryan

I'm driving to my parents' home in Beacon Hill. My father is still in Washington, D.C. but my mother invited me to lunch. I am furious with her. I cannot prove it but I just know that she is behind Danny's sudden break up with me.

At first, when I left Danny's apartment, I was shell shocked. Everything that made me happy had suddenly been stripped from me. I was mad at Danny for all of about two minutes, but while I was driving back home, it struck me. Danny didn't have it in her to break up like that. On top of that, I know without a doubt that Danny loves me. It would take something monumentally sinister to get her to do that. And the most monumentally sinister thing I knew was my mother.

I've tried calling Danny several times. She won't answer the phone or return my messages. I've called Paula but she is vague and non-committal. She says she'll pass my messages on but I have no clue if she is really doing it. I've even staked out Helping Hands Ministry and Sally's, hoping to catch her so we can talk. She's avoiding me like the plague.

Now it's been two weeks since Danny booted me out of her life and I want answers. The formal criminal charges against me were dropped. My attorney worked a deal out with Malone’s attorney. He may get a nominal part of my trust fund, but it’s worth it not to have that shit hanging over my head. This news should make me deliriously happy but it tastes cold and bitter. None of it matters if Danny is not in my life.

I pull into the driveway and take a few meditative breaths. I'm going to need all the help I can get dealing with my mother.

Walking into the house, I hear voices coming from the back sunroom. I walk in and immediately spot Angeline sitting next to my mother. They stop talking when they see me and in the next instant, Angeline runs to me, throwing herself against my body.

"I've missed you so much, Ryan."

My arms remain at my side and I clench and unclench my fists in an effort to remain calm. When Angeline doesn't take the hint that I'm not returning her embrace, I peel her off of my body and step away from her.

"What are you doing here, Angeline?" My voice is cold and flat.

The smile drops from her face and she looks at my mother for help.

“I just assumed you’d be happy to see me now that you’ve broken up with that...” Angeline trails off when she sees the murderous look on my face.

"I invited her to lunch with us, Ryan,” my mother interrupts. “Now stop being so rude."

I turn to Angeline. "You need to leave. And please accept my word when I tell you that I am not interested in you anymore nor will I ever be."

"Ryan!" my mother admonishes me. 

Angeline doesn't move and she’s looking back and forth between the two of us.

"Leave, Angeline. Now!" My voice is cold and furious, and she knows better than to test me right now.  She scurries away like a small rodent and moments later I hear the front door slam.

My mother is looking at me with shrewd eyes. I take the seat that Angeline just vacated. "We need to talk, Mother."

Clasping the pearls around her neck, my mother leans back in her chair and crosses her legs. She can't help herself when she says, "Honestly, Ryan. I have no idea what's gotten into you. You are going to have to do some groveling now to get Angeline back."

I sit forward in my chair and rest my elbows on my knees, clasping my hands together. I look my mother straight into her eyes, and ask, "Do you ever really listen to anything I say?"

She looks confused. "What? Of course I do."

"Then one more time...I am not going to be with Angeline...ever again. So stop shoving her down my throat. You're doing nothing more than hurting her because you build up her expectations and I'm tearing them down. Just give it a break."

My mother swallows hard but her voice is firm. "Fine. I hear you. I'll stop throwing Angeline at you. No matter. There are plenty of acceptable women in this area."

I can feel my control slipping so I take another deep breath and exhale it out slowly. "Forget about other women for a minute. I want you to tell me how and why you convinced Danny to break up with me."

Watching her reaction carefully, I was rewarded. It was only there for a brief moment, but I clearly saw it flash across her face. At first I thought it was guilt but then I realized this was my mother we were talking about and she would never feel guilty about hurting my relationship with Danny. No, what I saw was pure culpability. She panicked for a split second thinking I had something on her before she could school her features back into impassivity.

"I have no clue what you’re talking about, Ryan." She sounds affronted but it also sounds hollow to me.

"Don't lie to me, Mother."

"I'm not lying to you and don't you accuse me of that. It's disrespectful and I'll not tolerate that behavior from my children."

"Tell me the truth!" I yell.

I'm frustrated beyond measure and I need for her to tell me that my suspicions are correct. Because if she verifies that for me, that means I have a chance to get Danny back.

My mother stands up. "We are done with this conversation. I suggest you leave and not come back until you can show me some respect."

Turning on her heel she walks toward the door.

I try one last tactic. "If you ever even had a small measure of love for me, I'm begging you mom...please tell me the truth." My words are soft and pleading.

She pauses for just a second and I think she might turn around and tell me what I want to know, but then she continues walking toward the door and doesn't look back.

Defeated, I leave my house and I doubt I'll be returning. The painful realization that my mother doesn't care enough about me to want my happiness is starting to sink in.  It’s amazing how much this hurts, given the fact that I have never been very close to my parents in the first place. I guess there was a part of me that believed that some nurturing, maternal instinct would spring forth from Celia Burnham. Sadly, the fact that I was pretty much raised by our nanny should have clued me in and lowered my expectations.

***

I’m back at the frat house and lying on my bed. Hands clasped behind my head, I need to figure out what my next move will be with Danny. My main problem is in making contact with her since she won’t return my calls. I suppose I can stalk her at Sally’s or at her apartment, but I’m leery of doing that until I know for sure what I’m going to say. I think this is a one-shot deal with Danny and I don’t want to screw it up.

I’ll have to admit I’m a little hurt she won’t return my calls. I understand my mother, in all likelihood, did something atrocious to scare Danny off. But there is that one small part of me that wishes Danny cared about me enough that we could have at least remained friends.

Running through a mental list of all of the things I want to say to Danny, I’m startled when someone knocks on my door.

“Come in.”

The door creaks open and my sister, Emily, peaks her head in. I’m stunned she’s here. We are not very close but we do tolerate each other. As far as I can remember, I don’t think she’s ever been to visit me here on campus.

"Hey,” I say.  “What are you doing here?"

She shrugs her shoulders and doesn’t say anything but she does walk in and shuts the door. She’s dressed in designer jeans and a lightweight sweater. Her dark hair is pulled up into a ponytail and I suddenly realize how pretty she is. She’s going to break someone’s heart one day.

After looking around the room, she finally sits on Mike’s bed with her hands clasped in her lap.

“Can I ask you something?” she begins.

I sit up on the bed and turn to face her. I have no clue where this is going and it’s a bit surreal. If I had to bet money, Mother has sent her here to do some reconnaissance.

“Sure,” I tell her.

“Do you really love this girl, Danny?” She says Danny’s name with a little bit of distaste but I also hear genuine curiosity. It’s like love is a foreign concept to her, and maybe it is. I have no clue if Emily has ever been in love or if she is even dating someone. It makes me realize that I don’t know much about her at all.

“I love Danny very much.” I don’t offer more because, again, I have no clue why she is here and I have to assume it’s on Mother’s behalf.

Emily looks down at her hands and she nervously twirls a dainty sapphire ring she is wearing. She looks back up at me. “Would you tell me why?”

This time there is nothing in her tone other than a pleading to understand something that might be beyond her concept. Maybe Emily is here because she’s maturing past the elitist brat I’ve always assumed her to be.

I take a deep breath and give her a wistful smile. “Okay. Let’s see. Do you want the list numerically or alphabetically?”

Emily lets out a very unladylike snort and immediately slaps her hand over her mouth because she can’t believe she just did that. She giggles at herself which causes my eyebrows to rise.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard Emily giggle before.

Removing her hand from her mouth, she says with a grin, “In any order you want.”

“Well, when I first met Danny it was her wit that got my attention. In fact, I actually heard her before I saw her...and I was captivated by her intelligence. But when I looked up, I was immediately attracted to her. I thought she was so beautiful.”

“But her hair is purple and she has piercings in her face?”

There is the judgmental tone again but I have patience with her. “Why does that matter, Emily? Really, in the grand scheme of things...so what?”

Emily shrugs her shoulders. “Because it’s weird I guess. No one we know looks like that.”

“Well, then I’d say maybe you need to expand your horizons a bit.”

I can see the wheels turning in her head as she ponders that statement. “What else?” she demands.

“She’s really smart and talented. She was a music major at Julliard but had to drop out when her mother got cancer. She plays the violin and she’s amazingly good. I’m trying to get her to go back.”

“What else?” she whispers.

“She’s kind and generous. She volunteers a few times a week at a homeless shelter. I’ve gone there to help her a few times and met some really interesting people.”

Emily looks at me in horror over the prospect of working in a homeless shelter. Okay, so I probably will never get Emily to explore that side of her humanitarianism but it was worth a shot.

She’s silent for a while, again twisting that ring of hers. She looks anxious.

“Those are all really good reasons to love someone,” she whispers.

“Emily, they’re the best reasons to love someone. Not because of some silly notions we have about class or stations in life.”

Emily stands up and comes to sit beside me on my bed. She turns to look at me and her face is awash with misery.

"Danny didn’t breakup with you voluntarily," she whispered. "Mother threatened you to get her to do it."

“Son of a bitch,” I exclaim loudly. I had suspected this was the case, but hearing it out loud pisses me off. Emily flinches from the anger in my voice, but it doesn’t scare her off for which I’m glad.  She continues on.

“Mother went to see her a few weeks ago and asked me to go along. I admit...I was curious to see this girl that was causing so much trouble in our household. And I’m sorry. I looked at her and I just didn’t understand what you saw in her. But I get it now.”

I exhale heavily, vindicated to know the truth at last. But I need more details and my mother is not going to give them to me.

Tears are swimming in Emily’s eyes and while I'm angry at her, I have to be thankful she brought this to me. I grab her in a quick hug. "Thanks, Em. That means the world that you told me the truth."

She nods her head and squeezes me back. “What else can I do to help?”

"Just tell me everything that Mother said to Danny so I can try to make this right with her and beg forgiveness of my family’s stupidity.”

“That’s a whole lot of stupid,” Emily quips and I nod in agreement.

Danny

It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen Ryan and I am miserable. I have to practically slap myself at least twenty times a day so I don’t call him. Depression seems to be my mood of choice and its worrying Paula to death. She thinks I ought to confess everything to Ryan and beg him to take me back.

God, I so want to do that but I can’t risk Ryan’s mother retaliating against him. This is so fucked up.

Lying on my bed now, I stare over at the violin Ryan gave me. I laid it on my desk the day we broke up and I haven’t picked it up since. I have no desire to and I’m worried that my love of music has been irrevocably broken.

The memory of the last time I played—for Ryan—is bitterly painful to me. The thoughtfulness of his gesture in getting me a violin to the look of rapture on his face when I had played for him were some of the best moments of my life and I’m pissed as hell that those are gone. Those memories are tainted now by the grief over what I’ve lost.

Without Ryan in my life, my desire to make music is non-existent. It’s just hard for me to imagine picking the violin back up again.

***

I suppose I’ve done something to warrant the evil forces of nature targeting me with their cruel games. For the past week, Angeline and her friends have been coming to Sally’s with nothing more than the sole purpose of torturing me.

As I wait on them, I hear crude snippets of conversation meant to hurt or humiliate me. I try to let it go in one ear and out the other, but it’s not easy.

Just last night, as I refilled everyone’s water glasses at her table, Angeline “accidentally” knocked her bowl of soup to the floor. I say “accidentally” with as much sarcasm as I can muster because in all actuality, I watched her literally slide the bowl to the edge of the table and then wait until I was within reach before she pushed it all the way over. 

As I was bending over to wipe up the mess, I heard one of her cronies say, “I heard that was the position she was in when Ryan caught her and Reece Malone going at it in Ryan’s bed.”

I stood up and faced the table, my face red with anger that they would try to humiliate me with the fact I was nearly raped. And they were trying to make it sound like I was consensually with Reece. I looked around at their faces, and they were all smiling innocently at me. All except for Cameron. I noted she looked at me with sympathy.

I walked up and towered over Angeline. “That’s a lie, Angeline and you know it. Reece Malone tried to rape me.” I was seething inside.

“Oh, come on, Danny.  Everyone here knows you were fucking Reece behind Ryan’s back. It’s the reason Ryan broke up with you. Everyone on campus is talking about it.”

“No thanks to the vicious lies I’m sure you’re spreading.”

Angeline wasn’t fazed at all.  She gave a tinkling laugh and then her eyes turned hard. “Who do you think they’ll believe...me or you?”

I turned my attention back to everyone at the table. “I suggest you all check your facts. Reece Malone is in jail for attempted rape.”

“Well, of course he is silly,” Angeline says. “We all know you claimed it was rape so Ryan wouldn’t know you were screwing around on him.”

Tears welled up in my eyes and Angeline’s look was triumphant that she was able to break me. I heard a loud scraping sound and looked down the table. Cameron stood up abruptly. Grabbing her purse, she gave a disgusted look at Angeline and walked out of the diner.

I turned my back on the table and fled back into the kitchen. I talked another waitress into finishing my tables and left for the night.

And here I am for apparently another brutal shift. Angeline and her friends—minus Cameron—have all walked in together. They arrange themselves around two tables. There is no doubt this is a repetitive effort on her part to torment me because she never hung out in here that much prior to me meeting Ryan.

Unfortunately, I am the only one working tonight because it’s a Wednesday and we are always slow in the middle of the week.  I grab seven iced waters and carry them to the tables, setting them down in front of each girl.

“Do you guys know what you want,” I ask.

“Hmmm...” Angeline says, perusing the menu. “I’m not sure. Of course, I’m not very hungry after the wonderful lunch I had with Ryan today. We followed it up with dessert in his room.”

I will not punch this girl, I will not punch this girl.

Angeline puts a look of mock apology on her face. “Oh, I’m sorry Danny. I guess that was insensitive, mentioning intimate details about Ryan to you.”  She snickers and the rest of her girls all titter over her jibes.

“What do you want to order, Angeline? Make it quick.”

She ignores me but leans toward me conspiratorially. “Between you and me, Danny, I’m not sure you were good enough to keep Ryan interested between the sheets. He’s an animal, you know. We were at it all afternoon.”

Before I could respond, I hear, “That’s a fucking lie, Angeline.”

My heart doubles in speed as I hear his voice. Turning slowly around, I drink Ryan in as he stands there with his hands clenched and looking like he wants to murder Angeline.

He’s wearing faded jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. He has on his old, ratty Chuck-T’s that I adore. He has a baseball cap on and the ends of his long hair are sticking out at adorable angles. I almost burst into tears looking at him.

I turn to glance at Angeline and she looks green in the face.  In a million years, I guarantee she never thought Ryan would be in earshot of her lies.

Ryan closes the distance to the table and looks down at Angeline. “This is the one and only time I’m going to say this. And this goes for all of you sitting at this table.” Ryan pauses and looks at each person. “If I so much as hear of anyone saying another bad thing about Danny, I will personally take it upon myself to have you blacklisted from every organization at this school. Furthermore, I will use the power of my family and our vast resources to ruin every one of you. There won’t be a place you can hide from me. And just so everyone is perfectly clear, I did not fuck Angeline this afternoon, nor would I touch her with a ten foot pole again. Please make sure that is spread around. There is only one woman I want to touch. Because she’s the one I love.”

Ryan spins from the table and stalks over to me. My mouth is hanging open and he never pauses when he pulls my head to his and crushes his mouth to mine. I know I should pull away but I can’t. I love him too much. I’ll worry about the consequences of this later and hope Ryan’s mother doesn’t find out about this.

Ryan’s arms snake around my waist and he pulls me to him tight. My arms go around his neck and I hold on for dear life while he kisses me like there is no tomorrow. Then abruptly he pulls away. He looks me dead in the eyes and says, “I love you, Danny. And I can tell by that kiss you still love me.  We’ll talk after you get off work.”

I watch astounded as Ryan goes up to the counter and sits down. He apparently is going to wait here until my shift is over. I know I should be panicking that he wants some type of confrontation tonight, but I am numb from everything that has just transpired in the last thirty seconds.

Turning my back on Angeline’s crew, I walk to the other side of the counter and pull out a coffee cup. I fill it up and push it in front of Ryan.  He doesn’t say anything.  I glance over and see that Angeline and her friends are leaving, noticeably a lot quieter than when they had arrived.

***

Taking my apron off, I walk up to Ryan. “I’m done.”

“Can I give you a ride home and then we talk?”

My gut instinct is to decline because I’m terrified his mother will find out, but I owe him the time to talk. I should have given it to him before now but I’ve been so afraid his mother would find out. I wouldn’t put it past her to have hired a damn private investigator to keep tabs on us.

“Sure.”

The ride to my place is tense and silent. As we walk into my apartment, I quietly say over my shoulder, “Thank you for getting Angeline to back off of me. It was getting harder to keep my cool.”

“It’s no problem. Cameron came to me last night and told me what Angeline was doing. It was best that I confronted her and try to put a stop to it.”

We sit in the living, on opposite ends of the couch. Ryan is leaning back, looking extremely comfortable. I’m wound tight and ready to bolt.

“I miss you,” he says to me. 

I can feel the burn of tears and I swallow hard to tamp them down. “Ryan...please don’t...”

“And you miss me, too.”

He says it so matter-of-factly, like there’s no room for argument. He knows me well but I decide to act incensed. “You have quite an ego to presume to think I miss you, too.”

He laughs at me. Full out, gut busting laughter. I cross my arms and just wait for him to finish. After he finally winds it down, he looks at me with amusement. “We’re ending this farce tonight, Danny. I’m not leaving until we are back together and you admit you love me. In fact, I promise, before this evening ends I’ll make love to you.”

I start sputtering. I’m half incensed and half turned on. “You are certifiable, Ryan Burnham. If you think you can just waltz in here and—“

Ryan cuts me off by launching across the couch and coming on top of me. He grips my head in his hands and kisses me. His tongue immediately ignites a fire in me and I struggle for just an instant and then I’m kissing him back. Oh God, how I missed this. His touch, his voice, his smell.

Ryan pulls back only slightly with his lips still lightly resting against mine. “I knew that would be the only way to get you to shut up.”

I’m dazed from the flood of emotions coursing through me.

“Danny, I know what my mother did,” Ryan says.

I sit up straight and push him backward. “You do?”

“Yeah. Emily came to me and told me.”

I look over to the grouping of pictures on my end table, and stare blankly at them. I’m not sure what this means. Wait, I do know what this means. It doesn’t change anything. Ryan’s mom has a standing edict. I cannot be with him or she will see he gets ruined.

“That doesn’t mean anything, Ryan. We can’t be together.”

Ryan takes a deep breath and exhales it, like he’s getting ready to talk to a four year old. “Danny...I’m a little disappointed in you that you would let anything my mother would say keep us apart.”

That catches me off guard. It’s somewhat of an attack on me and I immediately bristle.

“I had no choice,” I hiss. “She promised she could get the criminal charges against you dropped but would only do so if I stayed away. She was willing to let you take the chance of getting convicted and possibly going to jail, just to spite you if you stayed with me.”

Ryan’s shaking his head. “She played you, Danny. She had nothing to do with getting the charges dropped. I did that all myself.”

I’m stunned. “You did?”

“Yup.”

“But...but your mom said she’d ruin you if I stayed with you. Said that she would ensure you never made it to the NHL.”

Ryan is now wearing a smirk on his face. “Played again.”

It’s like he’s enjoying my stupidity.

“You don’t have to be so smug over what an idiot I am,” I snap.

Ryan’s smirk is replaced by soberness. He grabs my hand and brings my fingers to his lips. I try to pull away but he holds firm. “Danny, I’m not laughing at you for falling for my mother’s lies. I’m smirking because now that this is all out in the open, we can be together again. I’m deliriously happy.”

I shake my head. “But won’t your mother cut you off? Or ruin your hockey career?”

“Cut me off from what?  Family ties that are brittle and based on duty and obligation rather than love.  Tell me exactly what I’d be missing? And trust me, my mother doesn’t have any power over my hockey career. She’s blowing smoke.”

I can’t think of anything to say. He continues on, “More importantly, look at what we stand to lose if we bend to my mother’s whim.”

Hope is starting to build inside of me and I look at him.  His beautiful eyes suck me in. He pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around my waist. “You are more important to me than anything else in this world. As long as I have you, I don’t need anything else. It’s you Danny. It will only ever be you.”

Oh, Ryan. My Ryan.  My hands are shaking as I bring them up to his face. I stroke his jaw and his cheek. He closes his eyes at my touch and I start feeling elation rise up in me like helium filling a balloon. My head is swimming with the possibilities of a future with my one and only.

I push up on his chest and straddle his lap. I lay my forehead against his. “Is this for real?” I whisper.

“It is,” he confirms as he grips my hips, his fingers digging in deliciously.

“Oh, Ryan. I am so, so sorry I put us through this. I should have come to you first.”  I start crying, burdened with the weight of the hurt and pain I have unnecessarily caused this man. My love. “I never meant those horrid things I said to you.”

“Sssshhh,” he croons as he wipes my tears. “No more apologies. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives together.”

I nod, the movement of my head pushing my lips into his. I take advantage and whisper a kiss on his mouth. He opens his mouth slightly and I run my tongue on the edge of his lips. Kissing my way across his cheek to his ear, I tell him how much I love him. Nibbling on his neck, I promise never to leave him again. As his hands work their magic on me, his kisses bind me to him forever. As our breathing becomes rough and our whispers hoarse, I beg him to make love to me.

And before the night is through, he does.