Officer Spence Makes No Sense (2 page)

Officer Spence shoved Mr. Klutz against the wall and started searching through his pockets.

“You can’t arrest the principal of our school!” said Andrea.

“Oh no?” Officer Spence said. “Just watch me.”

“I didn’t steal anything!” said Mr. Klutz.

“Oh no?” asked Officer Spence, holding up a spoon he found in Mr. Klutz’s pocket. “What’s
this
?”

“It’s a spoon,” Mr. Klutz said, “for my yogurt.”

“Yogurt!” Officer Spence snorted. “Yeah, right! A spoon can be a deadly weapon, Klutz! You could gouge somebody’s eyes out with one of those things. I’m going to have to confiscate this yogurt and do a DNA test on it.”

“WHAT? Why?”

“You have the right to remain silent, Klutz,” Officer Spence said. “So shut up!
Now open that briefcase. Nice and slow. And don’t make any false moves!”

Mr. Klutz put his briefcase on the table and opened it.

“What have we
here
?” Officer Spence said as he held up two sandwiches.

“Those are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,” Mr. Klutz said.

“And I suppose you were going to eat a yogurt and
three
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch today, eh?” asked Officer Spence.

“That’s right,” Mr. Klutz said. “I
love
peanut butter and jelly.”

“YOU’RE THE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY BANDIT!” Officer Spence yelled,
pointing his finger at Mr. Klutz. “You steal food from hungry children. Is that the way you roll, Klutz?”

“No!” Mr. Klutz said. “My wife made those sandwiches for me. She makes my lunch every day.”

Officer Spence grabbed the front of Mr. Klutz’s shirt and yelled in his face. “That’s right; blame it on your wife! You’re pathetic, Klutz! I know how to handle punks like you.”

“But—”

Officer Spence spun Mr. Klutz around and handcuffed his hands behind his back.

“But I didn’t
do
anything!” Mr. Klutz
protested. “I’m the principal!”

“The criminal is always the one you least suspect,” said Officer Spence.

At that moment, our vice principal, Mrs. Jafee, came rushing over.

“What’s the doggone problem here?” she asked. “I heard some yelling.”

“Freeze, dirtbag!” shouted Officer Spence. “You’re under arrest!”

“WHAT!” yelled Mrs. Jafee as he handcuffed her.

“Take them away, boys!” Officer Spence shouted. “The two of ’em make me sick!”

The guys with bulletproof vests led Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Jafee out of the vomitorium. We looked out the window and
saw them get into a police car. The sirens were screaming and the lights were flashing as the police car drove away.

“WOW!” we all said again, which is “MOM” upside down.

I didn’t like seeing Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Jafee get arrested, but I had to admit it was cool. A lot of weird things have happened at Ella Mentry
School, but this was the first time our principal and vice principal were taken away in handcuffs.

I looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Michael. Michael looked at Neil. We were all looking at each other. Nobody knew what to say. Nobody except Andrea, of course.

“My name is Andrea, and I’m on the Principal’s Advisory Committee,” she said to Officer Spence. “Aren’t you overreacting a little? I mean, it was just a sandwich.”

“Just a sandwich, Andrea?” Officer Spence said, sneering. “Oh, you don’t know the first thing about how the criminal
mind works. First they steal a sandwich. If they get away with it, they come back the next day and take your whole lunch. And if you don’t stop them right there, the next thing you know, they stole your refrigerator.”

“You think Mr. Klutz is going to steal a refrigerator?” Michael asked.

“Believe me,” Officer Spence said, “these dirtbags will steal anything that isn’t nailed down.”

“How would you nail down a refrigerator?” Ryan asked.

“With really long nails,” I told him.

“Nobody leaves the school until I get to the bottom of this,” Officer Spence announced.

“The bottom of what?” asked Neil the nude kid.

“I’m going to do a full-scale investigation,” Officer Spence explained.

“You should try the nurse’s office,” I told him. “Mrs. Cooney has a scale in there that you can investigate.”

Officer Spence stuck his face right next to mine.

“You think you’re pretty funny, huh, punk?” he said. “Well, okay, Mr. Funny Boy. Just for that,
you
get to go
first
!”

Go first? Where? I didn’t even know where I was going, but I sure didn’t want to go there first.

Officer Spence took me to Room 104. That’s Dr. Brad’s room. He’s our school counselor. He helps kids with their problems. But I don’t have any problems,
so I don’t have to see him. Dr. Brad doesn’t come to school every day, because he works at a bunch of different schools. So his room was empty.

“Sit down!” ordered Officer Spence.

I sat on the only chair in the room. There were wires sticking out of it and leading to a scary-looking machine on the table.

“Where’s Mr. Klutz?” I asked. “What did you do with him?”

“He’s probably in the slammer by now,” Officer Spence replied.

Slammer? I never heard of a slammer. It sounded like some kind of a torture machine.

“What’s a slammer?” I asked.

“He’s in the pen,” said Officer Spence.

“How could Mr. Klutz fit inside a pen?” I asked.

I didn’t know what he was talking about. If Mr. Klutz was in a pen, it would have to be a really big pen. Where would the ink go? And how could anybody use a pen with a principal inside it?

“Mr. Klutz is in stir,” said Officer Spence. “He’s in the Big House. The cooler. The joint. The clink. The pokey. The hoosegow. The calaboose.”

“Huh?”

“He’s in JAIL!” Officer Spence shouted.

“Oh!” I said. “Why didn’t you say so?”

“Never mind about Klutz,” Officer Spence told me. “Ten peanut butter and jelly sandwiches have been stolen this month. There’s a crime wave sweeping Ella Mentry School, and I’m going to put a stop to it once and for all.”

Officer Spence looked really mad. He turned on the desk lamp and pointed it at my face. Then he hooked up a bunch of
those scary wires to my arms and my head.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“This machine is a lie detector,” Officer Spence told me. “If you tell a lie, it will make a beeping sound. So you’d better tell the truth if you know what’s good for you. Okay, let’s get started. What’s your name?”

“A.J.”

I looked at the lie detector to see if it would beep. It didn’t.

“Very good,” said Officer Spence, “and what does A.J. stand for?”

“Arlo Jervis,” I admitted.

“That’s right,” Officer Spence said. “The lie detector didn’t beep. So you
must be telling the truth. Good boy. Do you like school, A.J.?”

“No,” I said.

“That’s true also,” he said. “Tell me, Arlo Jervis, is there
anything
you like about school?”

“No,” I said.

BEEP!

“That’s a lie!” Officer Spence said. “You like something. Or somebody.”

“I do not,” I said.

BEEP!

“Liar!” shouted Officer Spence. “I bet you like Andrea, that girl in your class with the curly brown hair, right?”

“I do not!” I said.

BEEP!

“You’re lying!”

“I am not!” I shouted. “I hate Andrea!”

BEEP!

“Liar!” shouted Officer Spence. “You’re secretly in love with Andrea, aren’t you?”

“No!”

BEEP!

“Hey!” I said. “What does any of this have to do with the stolen peanut butter
and jelly sandwich?”

“Oh, yeah, the sandwich,” said Officer Spence. “Did you steal it?”

“No!” I said. “How could I steal it? It was
my
sandwich! And I didn’t even get to eat it!”

Officer Spence was going to ask me another question, but you’ll never believe who walked into the door at that moment.

Nobody, because if you walked into a door it would hurt. But you’ll never believe who opened the door and walked into the room.

It was Andrea! And right behind her were Emily, Ryan, and Michael.

“I’m on the Principal’s Advisory Committee,” said Andrea. “It says right here in the
Ella Mentry School Handbook
that you can’t give lie detector tests to students without their parents’ permission.”

“Let me see that!” Officer Spence demanded.

Andrea handed him the
Ella Mentry School Handbook
and showed him a page in it.

“See?” she said.

“Fine!” Officer Spence replied. “I’ll find another way to nab the peanut butter and jelly sandwich bandit. I’ve seen these criminals in action. They’ll take anything that’s not nailed down.”

“So we should nail down our sandwiches?” asked Michael.

“If you nailed down a sandwich, it would be hard to eat,” said Ryan.

“You could eat around the nail,” I pointed out.

“Quiet!” barked Officer Spence. “You
kids think you’re pretty smart, don’t you? Do you think peanut butter and jelly sandwiches grow on trees?”

“No,” we all said.

I tried to imagine a peanut butter and jelly sandwich growing on a tree. That would be cool. When you were hungry, you could just go outside and pick a sandwich.

“I hope they throw the book at you kids,” Officer Spence muttered.

“Why would they throw a book at us?” asked Michael.

“Throwing a book might ruin the binding,” said Emily. “Mrs. Roopy, the librarian, says you shouldn’t throw books.
You should treat them with TLC. That stands for ‘tender loving care.’”

“Enough!” yelled Officer Spence. “When I’m through with you kids, they might give you the chair.”

“Why would they give us a chair?” I asked.

“So if you steal a sandwich they give you a chair?” asked Ryan. “That’s weird.”

“What if you have all the chairs you need?” asked Michael.

“I said that’s ENOUGH!” yelled Officer Spence. “Oh, by the way, Andrea, Arlo Jervis here is in love with you.”

“Ooooooooooooooo,” everybody said.

“Is that true, Arlo?” asked Andrea, all smiley. “I always thought you secretly liked me.”

“I don’t!” I shouted.

BEEP!

“It
is
true!” Andrea said.

“It is not!” I yelled.

BEEP!

“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. and Andrea are in
love
!”

“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

“Never!” I yelled.

BEEP!

If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.

“You kids are no help at all,” Officer Spence shouted. “Get out of here! Go back to class. I’ll find the peanut butter and jelly bandit by myself.”

I’ll tell you, Officer Spence makes no sense.