Okay for Now (3 page)

the room, there was this square table with a glass case on top. And that was it. All that space, and that

was it. If my father had this space, he'd fill it with tools and boards and a drill press and a lathe and

cans and stuff before you could spit twice. There'd be sawdust on the floor, cobwebs on the ceiling,

and the smell of iron and machine oil everywhere.

I went over to the table to see how come it was the only lousy thing in the whole lousy room.

And right away, I knew why.

Underneath the glass was this book. A huge book. A huge, huge book. Its pages were longer than a

good-size baseball bat. I'm not lying. And on the whole page, there was only one picture. Of a bird.

I couldn't take my eyes off it.

He was all alone, and he looked like he was falling out of the sky and into this cold green sea. His

wings were back, his tail feathers were back, and his neck was pulled around as if he was trying to

turn but couldn't. His eye was round and bright and afraid, and his beak was open a little bit, probably

because he was trying to suck in some air before he crashed into the water. The sky around him was

dark, like the air was too heavy to fly in.

This bird was falling and there wasn't a single thing in the world that cared at all.

It was the most terrifying picture I had ever seen.

The most beautiful.

I leaned down onto the glass, close to the bird. I think I started to breathe a little bit more quickly,

since the glass fogged up and I had to wipe the wet away. But I couldn't help it. Dang, he was so

alone. He was so scared.

The wings were wide and white, and they swooped back into sharp rays. And between these, the

tail feathers were even sharper, and they narrowed and narrowed, like scissors. All the layers of his

feathers trembled, and I could almost see the air rushing past them. I held my hand as if I had a pencil

in it and drew on the glass case, over the tail feathers. They were so sharp. If my hand had shaken

even a tiny bit, it would have ruined the whole picture. I drew over the ridges of the wings, and the

neck, and the long beak. And then, at the end, I drew the round and terrified eye.

On the table beside the display case was a printed card. I put it in my back pocket.

When I got home, Mom had brought two hot dogs back from the diner, wrapped in aluminum foil and

filled with ketchup and mustard and pickle relish and sauerkraut like in Yankee Stadium, and I know

because I've been to Yankee Stadium, which you might remember. She was moving around the boxes

and still cleaning in the kitchen, and we could hear my father downstairs clanking away at his tools

and swearing that Mr. Big Bucks Ballard wasn't going to get away with being such a freaking

cheapskate and what did they take him for? Some kind of a jerk?

Well, he wasn't some kind of a jerk, he said when he came back upstairs.

He wasn't some kind of a jerk, he said when he told me and my brother to carry all our stuff

upstairs and sort it out, which I ended up doing by myself because my brother wouldn't.

He wasn't some kind of a jerk, he said when he hollered up at us to cut out the wrestling and turn

out the light and go to sleep—which hadn't really been wrestling but my brother trying to find out

where I'd put the jacket, which he still didn't know belonged to Joe Pepitone and which he didn't

really want anyway so he wasn't half trying.

That night, I lay in the dark and drew the falling bird in the air: the wings, the tail feathers, the long

beak. The eye. I drew them all again and again and again, trying to feel the wind through the feathers,

wondering how whoever drew it had made it feel that way.

I fell asleep.

The terrified eye.

On Sunday, as soon as I woke up, I could tell it was going to be one of those days where the

temperature is so high that you wonder how anything can still be alive. It was hardly morning, but

already the room was sweating hot. If there had been curtains, they would have hung like they were

dead.

When I came downstairs, Mom was already in the kitchen, sweating, trying to keep the pancakes

warm in an oven that only kind of worked, and sizzling bacon in the frying pan over the one burner

that lit, and scrambling eggs in the bowl next to the frying pan, and timing it all so that when Dad

came down he could eat the pancakes and bacon, and then the scrambled eggs cooked in the bacon

grease and he wouldn't have anything to complain about. I guess Mom figured it was worth the sweat.

I went outside so that I wouldn't throw off the timing. Everything was white and glarey. The sun

wasn't up that far, but you still had to squint, and the light gave everything that kind of droopy feeling

that lets you know this is going to be a long and slow and drippy day and you better think about

finding a pool someplace and how that first cold plunge is going to feel great.

Not that stupid Marysville would even think of having a pool.

I waited by the back door as the sun got hotter, staring at the hard-packed dirt of the backyard,

wondering how even the few patches of crabgrass were still alive. I waited until after my father had

eaten and gone off somewhere with Ernie Eco. I waited until after my brother came down and ate the

rest of the pancakes and then went off somewhere, probably with whoever he could find who had a

police record. Then I went inside. My mother was folding a wad of newspaper and putting it under

the wobbly kitchen table.

"You've been in the sun," she said.

I nodded. "It's already pretty hot out."

"Can I scramble you some eggs?"

I shook my head. "I can do it." I broke two eggs into the frying pan. The bacon grease was still hot,

and the eggs began frying up pretty quick.

"Do you think you're going to be happy here?" she said.

I watched the eggs start to turn white. "I guess," I said. "Here as anywhere. How about you?"

"Me?" she said. "Here as anywhere." She got up from underneath the kitchen table.

I'm not lying when I say that Hollywood actresses would kill for my mother's smile. You think

Elizabeth Taylor can smile? If you saw my mother's smile, you wouldn't even let Elizabeth Taylor in

the same room.

If Joe Pepitone saw my mother's smile, he would give up baseball for her. That's how beautiful her

smile is.

She put some toast on for the two of us, and I searched through all the boxes still stacked in the

kitchen until I found some strawberry jam, and by then the egg yolks were too hard but who cares and

we each had one and split the toast and we sat there quiet in the heat, me looking up to watch her

smile and wondering how I could ever draw it, it was that beautiful.

I felt my hand trying to figure out how to do it. But it was like trying to draw the feathers of the

bird. It didn't feel like my fingers were going the way they should. I
knew
my fingers weren't going the

way they should.

We finished breakfast, then cleaned up together. Afterward we unpacked all the dishes and pots and

dry food and stuff and put everything away. (I carried out the box of broken dishes without

unwrapping them.) By then, it was almost 150 degrees in the kitchen, but when we looked around,

everything was settled just the way she wanted it, and when I said, "I don't think I've ever been in a

room where you could fry eggs while holding them in your hand," she went over to the sink, filled a

glass full of cold water, turned, and—I'm not lying—threw the whole thing all over me.

She did.

Then she smiled again and started to laugh, and I started to laugh, and I took another glass and

filled it up and she said "Douggie, you better not—" and then I threw the water over her and she

laughed even louder until she started to snort and then we both laughed even harder and she filled her

glass again and I filled my glass again and before long everything was dripping and it wasn't because

of the humidity.

Then my father came home with Ernie Eco. Walked into the wet kitchen.

My mother looked at him, then opened a cabinet door and pulled down the Change Jar. She handed

me four quarters and told me that we needed a gallon of milk—which we really didn't need but I'm

not stupid. I left through the back door, crossed the hard-packed dirt, and was gone before whatever

happened happened.

***

And so what if Ernie Eco saw it? So what?

I lay in the dark, the criminal snores of my brother honking in the bunk beneath me, and I thought of

my mother's sweet smile. Maybe she could take me to Yankee Stadium.

I felt my fingers moving again, trying to get that smile right.

I went back to the library on Monday, a little while after my father swore himself out of the house and

headed off to the Ballard Paper Mill, where he was going to let Mr. Big Bucks Ballard know he

wasn't some kind of a jerk. When my mother told him that maybe he shouldn't say anything and he

should be happy to have a job, he said something to her that you don't need to hear but that I heard

fine, since the walls in The Dump are, like I said, cardboard.

So I got to the library way too early because it was still dark inside, and I sat on the marble steps

to wait, since what else do you think I'm going to do in stupid Marysville, New York? I mean, it

wasn't like Horace Clarke was around to bat with.

So I guess I waited most of the morning. When people walked by, they'd look at me like I didn't

belong there. You know what that feels like after a while?

I'm not lying, if Joe Pepitone had walked by, he would have stopped. He would have sat down next

to me on the stupid steps and we would have talked about the season, like pals. Just talking. How

maybe the season wasn't going as good as he wanted. How maybe he'd only had thirteen home runs

last year, but so what? He had thirty-one the year before that. And even though he wasn't playing as

many games this year, he'd probably get way past thirteen. Stuff like that.

And then someone would notice that Joe Pepitone was sitting on the steps of the library with me,

and the news would spread all around stupid Marysville, and people like the girl with the stupid pink

chain would start to gather and they'd all look at me and wish they were sitting on the steps with Joe

Pepitone. And then Joe Pepitone would say, "Hey, Doug, it's getting crowded around here. What say

we go someplace and throw a few?" And we'd get up and walk through the crowd, and the girl with

the stupid bike would have to back away and everyone would look at us and they'd wish they were

the ones walking someplace with Joe Pepitone to throw a few.

So I waited on the library steps.

But Joe Pepitone didn't come.

The girl with the bike did.

I looked at her. "You going to the library again?" I said.

"No," she said, "I'm not going to the library again. What are you doing here?"

"What does it look like?"

"It looks like you're waiting for the library to open."

"That's right." I leaned back against the stairs. Pretty cool, like before.

She got off the bike and flipped down the kickstand. "Do you think I can trust you?" she said.

I wondered if this was supposed to be a trick.

"Sure," I said. Kind of slowly. Probably not so cool.

"Then watch this for me."

She walked down the block. I leaned forward and saw her turn into a store. After a minute, she

came out with two Cokes in her hand. She walked back and handed me one. It was so cold, there was

still ice on the outside of the bottle, and frozen air came out of the open top like fog.

She sat down next to me. "You didn't steal my bike," she said.

"This piece of junk?"

"You know, you might have to wait a long time," she said.

"Where did you get these?"

"My father owns Spicer's Deli."

"So you just went in and told him to give you two Cokes and he gave them to you?"

"No, I didn't just go in and tell him to give me two Cokes. I asked for a Coke for me and a Coke for

the skinny thug sitting on the library steps."

"The skinny thug?" I looked around. "Is someone else here?"

"The library is only open on Saturdays," she said. "And since today is Monday, you're going to be

here for a while. So I felt sorry for you and got you a Coke."

"How do you know it's only open on Saturdays?"

She looked at me like I was visiting from Planet ZX-15. "Most people can tell when they read the

sign posted on the door that says the library is open only on Saturdays."

I took a sip of the Coke. "I didn't see the sign," I said. "And what kind of a library is only open on

Saturdays?"

"Why do you care?" she said.

I pulled the card from the display case out of my pocket and showed her.

"'Arctic Tern,'" she read aloud. "You want to see an Arctic tern? Wouldn't it be a whole lot more

likely to find one in, say, a zoo?"

"A painting of one," I said, and took another sip of the Coke.