Read Old Jews Telling Jokes Online
Authors: Sam Hoffman
Old Jews Telling Jokes (15 page)
Jay Orlikoff practiced family and cosmetic dentistry on Long Island for thirty years before retiring in 2002. On the evening of May 1, 1998, he was honored by the New York State Academy of General Dentistry with the Meritorious Service Award.
A flea goes to a travel agent and says, “I’ve worked really hard. I’d like to take a vacation.”
The travel agent says, “Where would you like to go?”
“I have no real preference. Just someplace nice and warm.”
So the travel agent looks in different books and he says, “I’ve got just the place for you. I can book seven days in Ringo Starr’s hair. Ringo Starr is in Nice, France. It’s nice and warm; you should have a great time.”
So the flea says, “Okay.”
Four days later, the flea comes back to the travel agent. The travel agent says, “What’s the matter?”
“That was terrible. Ringo Starr stays in his room all the time, plays the drums, I got a headache. It was terrible.”
“Well, let’s see. We can book seven days for you in Omar Sharif’s mustache. Omar Sharif’s gonna be in Monte Carlo; you’ll have a great time there.”
The flea says, “Great.” He goes there. Four days later, he’s back. Travel agent says, “What’s the matter?”
“Omar Sharif, he plays bridge all the time, he’s in the casino. I never saw sunlight, it was a horrible vacation.”
“Man, you’re difficult. Let’s see what we can do for you.”
He looks and he says, “This one you’ll love. I can book seven days for you in Brigitte Bardot’s muff.”
“Brigitte Bardot’s muff, that sounds great. Where’s she gonna be?”
“St.-Tropez. Nice and warm, sunny.”
“I’ll go.”
Four days later, the flea’s back. The travel agent says, “I don’t believe it. What happened?”
“Well, every day she was out in the sun by the pool. She was listening to great music. People were waiting on us hand and foot.”
“What was wrong?”
“Four days later, I was in Omar Sharif’s mustache again.”
A Note About “A Flea Goes on Vacation”
One of the fun things about these jokes is trying to determine when they were first conceived.
This joke, at least in the form told by Dr. Orlikoff, has some very strong clues. The cast of characters includes Omar Sharif, Brigitte Bardot, and Ringo Starr.
Between 1962 and 1968, Sharif was huge—starring in
Lawrence of Arabia, Doctor Zhivago
, and
Funny Girl
. This period coincides with the heyday of Bardot’s career and almost the entire existence of the Beatles.
If this joke were a bottle of red wine, it might be worth quite a bit by now.
Gaynor Cote
(retelling a favorite joke of the late Marcia Tucker, who was the founding director of New York City’s New Museum of Contemporary Art)
Seventeen Pigeons
Sadie and Bessie and Rose are bragging about their husbands at the club.
Sadie says, “My Herman, he loves me so much he bought me this ten-carat diamond ring.”
Bessie says, “Hah, my Irving, he adores me, just look at this beautiful full-length mink coat.”
Rose says, “Well, my Bernie, he loves me and he has a schlong so long that seventeen pigeons can stand on top of it side by side.”
The other two women sit stunned and silent for a couple of minutes, then Sadie says, “Ah, I can’t lie. The diamond, it has a big flaw. See, right there.”
Bessie sighs and says, “Since we are telling the truth, I gotta tell you, the coat, it’s used and there a little rip in the lining. Look here.”
Rose responds, “All right already. The last pigeon, number seventeen? His left foot, it slips a little.”
Jim Rosenthal
Car Troubles
There’s a penguin who is driving his car home. All of a sudden, the car starts to act up. So he pulls into a garage and he tells the mechanic, “It’s not operating.”
The mechanic says, “I’ll have to have an hour at least to diagnose the problem.”
So the penguin goes into town to kill some time. He sees a walrus and some sea lions. As he’s coming back to the garage he sees an ice cream parlor run by a polar bear. He stops and buys a vanilla ice cream. While he’s walking back, because of his short little arms, he drops a big glop of the ice cream on his foot.
When he gets to the garage, the mechanic sees him and says, “You blew a seal!”
The penguin looks down at his foot and says, “No! That’s ice cream, that’s ice cream!”
Illness and DoctorsI’m Not Sure Which Are Worse
THE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT MODERN MEDICINE, FEW WOULD
argue, is that it allows us a longer life and therefore more time to complain about doctors.
Jews have a complicated relationship with doctors. Most of us had mothers who wanted us to be doctors, so it’s natural that we hate the people who lived up to our mother’s expectations when we, obviously, did not.
On the plus side, doctors are required by their profession to listen, pay attention, and nod their heads thoughtfully when we kvetch—so, in that respect, we find them very useful.
In my exhaustive research (Wikipedia) I have found no solid evidence that the Jews invented hypochondria, but there is some evidence that we are quite good at it, maybe even in the top two. In her book
Hypochondria: Woeful Imaginings
, Susan Baur writes that “many doctors get the impression that hypochondria is more prevalent among Jews and Italians. Regardless of absolute numbers, illness and fear of illness among members of these groups is more openly expressed.”
Baur’s point is that among the Jews and our Mediterranean cousins the Italians, it’s the comfort in expressing—as opposed to
repressing
—feelings, pain, and anxiety that leads to hypochondria.
I’ll buy that. It doesn’t take a giant leap to suggest that the jokes in this chapter are a way of expressing the fear and anxiety associated with illnesses and the people who try to treat them.
Bert Busch’s mother, Jeanette, was the second of my grandfather’s five sisters. His brothers Malcolm and Ron also contributed jokes. When we were growing up in the seventies, Bert had a groovy mustache that made him look a little like Gomez from the Addams Family.
A doctor is showing a female benefactor around the hospital.
And as they look into one of the patient rooms, they both, to the horror of the female benefactor, see this male patient furiously masturbating.
And the woman says to the doctor, “Oh my God. What’s going on there?”
And the doctor says, “Madam, I’m terribly sorry you were exposed to this. This patient has a terrible health condition. If he doesn’t masturbate at least five times a day, his testicles fill up with semen, they could rupture, and he would be terribly sick.”
And the woman says, “Oh, in that case, well I guess I understand.”
They’re walking past the next room and there is another male patient, and a female nurse is performing oral sex on him.
And with that, the woman says, “How can that be justified?”
And the doctor says, “Same condition. Better health-care plan.”
Eileen Lottman has written and published twenty-three novels and has been working on the twenty-fourth for the past eighteen years.
Mrs. Green calls the doctor’s office and she says, “My husband, David Green, had some tests the other day and I’m calling to get the results.”
The nurse says, “Well, we have two David Greens in this practice and they both had tests and I just got the lab results and one of them has AIDS and one of them has Alzheimer’s.”
Mrs. Green says, “Oh. Well, how am I gonna tell? How do I know which one he has?”
The nurse says, “Well, I suggest that you send him to the store to buy bread. And if he finds his way home, don’t fuck him.”
John Pleshette is an actor, writer, and director. His longest-running acting role was as Richard Avery on
Knots Landing
, which he played for eight years. He considers himself a New Yorker, although he has lived for thirty-five years in Los Angeles, where he struggles on a daily basis to retain his sense of humor.
A guy goes to his doctor. The doctor says, “Look, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’ve just got to stop masturbating!”
The guy says, “Why?”
The doctor says, “So I can examine you!”
Malcolm Busch is a first cousin of my father’s. “Dr. Drobkin” is an outstanding example of a story that is well practiced and honed to perfection. I especially love his use of the word
stripling
. Right now, I laughed a little just typing that word.
Stripling.
Dr. Drobkin is a very world-famous specialist in a highly specialized field of cardiology. He got his undergraduate degree, his medical degree, and his Ph.D. in his hometown, then practiced as a research doctor at the highest level in New York. He wrote a significant paper and he’s been invited to deliver the paper at a meeting, which, by coincidence, is in his hometown.
