Old Sins (46 page)

Lee frowned. ‘I know everyone thinks I spoil Miles. But it’s almost impossible not to.’

‘I know.’ He patted her hand. ‘He is a beautiful and charming boy.’

‘But he’s so young. Such a baby. So little to be left alone. I can’t bear leaving him, Father, I just can’t. Never to see him grow up, how will he manage without me?’

He watched her, weeping silently, struggling to control herself.

‘He won’t be alone, Lee.’

‘Oh,’ she said, angry suddenly. ‘Oh, I forgot. Of course, God will be there. He’ll see to his packed lunch, and comfort him when he skins his knees and cheer him on when he plays baseball and watch he isn’t out after dark, and listen to him when he’s worried, and have fun with him on Sundays, and ask his friends round and cuddle him and tell him he’s a great guy when things go wrong and be on his side when the teachers pick on him, and try to make sure he gets to college so he doesn’t have to go to Vietnam. Oh, good, I don’t need to worry at all.’

‘God will do some of those things, Lee. Your mother will do others. Some he will have to manage on his own. You must have faith, Lee, to save your own happiness during these weeks. They’re too precious to waste in misery and doubt.’

‘I just don’t know how you can talk like that. Think like that.’

‘Talking is easy. Thinking, believing is more difficult.’ He smiled at her. ‘Tell me, is your English friend coming to see you?’

‘Yes. Tomorrow he arrives. I suppose you think that’s terribly wicked.’ She looked at him, half tearful, half hostile.

‘No. I don’t think love and comfort are ever wicked. Given in the right way at the right time. I’m glad he’s coming. Perhaps I shouldn’t be, but I am.’

‘Thank you, Father.’ She smiled at him, easier, happier again. ‘Thank you. Please come again. Before – before you have to.’

‘I will. Often. I shall enjoy it. The company of a pretty young woman is always pleasant.’

She looked in the mirror at her pallid face, already tinged with yellow, her distended stomach, and grimaced. ‘Pretty!’

He bent and kissed her cheek. ‘Very pretty. Now rest. And enjoy your visitor.’

Hugo was shocked at the sight of her. She could see it in his eyes. He hadn’t seen her since she had had the cyst out – well, it had only been six weeks altogether – and he winced as he looked at her. It hurt her.

‘Hi, Hugo. Here I am then, your golden California girl, turned a little tarnished. I’m sorry I look so hideous. I can’t help it, I’m afraid.’

‘You don’t look hideous. You couldn’t. Not exactly glowing, but not hideous.’

She was sullen, hostile.

‘Don’t lie to me. I look hideous.’

‘OK,’ he said agreeably, ‘you look hideous.’

‘You didn’t have to come,’ she said, and started, once again, to cry. Every fresh visitor, fresh intruder into her safe, sick world, made her cry, forcing her as they did to confront her sickness, her imminent death.

‘No, I didn’t,’ he said. ‘But I did come. I wanted to come.’

‘Good for you.’

She was silent. Then: ‘Have you come from England or New York?’

‘England.’

‘Ah. How’s Alice?’

‘She’s fine.’

‘How very nice for her,’ she said bitterly. ‘How very nice.’

‘Lee, don’t.’

‘Don’t what? Don’t care?’

‘Don’t be angry.’

‘But I am angry,’ she cried, ‘you would be angry too. Losing half your life, losing your child, being in pain, being afraid, of course I’m angry, fuck you, I’m furious.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Yes, I expect you are. I expect you thought you’d find some peaceful, madonna-like figure lying back on her pillows, smiling serenely, telling her rosary. Well, death isn’t like that, Hugo, I’ve learnt. It’s hard and it’s painful and it’s elusive and it’s ugly. And it makes you angry. So angry.’

‘I know,’ he said.

‘You don’t.’

‘Yes, I do. I told you once, don’t you remember?’

‘What?’

‘That death wasn’t so bad.’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘oh, yes, yes, I do. Tell me about it, Hugo, tell me about the people you have seen die.’

‘Mostly men,’ he said. ‘A few women. In the war. People are nearly always brave. Almost welcoming. Usually very calm.’

‘And afterwards?’

‘Great, great peace. A peace you can feel. A stillness.’

She reached out for his hand and gripped it.

‘I’m so frightened.’

‘I know. So am I.’

‘What of?’

‘Of losing you.’

She was amazed. ‘Losing me?’

‘Yes. Losing you. I can’t imagine life without you now. You are the only truly happy thing I have. I love you. I love you so much.’

She lay on her pillows, her eyes fixed in genuine, awestruck astonishment on his face. ‘I never knew.’

‘I know you didn’t. God knows why you didn’t. Didn’t I behave as if I did?’

She thought, looking back over the lost, happy years. ‘Yes. Yes, I suppose you did. I never saw it, but yes you did.’

He smoothed her thin hair back from her forehead. ‘And you don’t look hideous. Truly. You look lovely.’

She looked at him and smiled, took his hand.

‘I wish I’d known.’

‘Why?’

‘Well – I would have been nicer to you for a start.’

‘You’ve been very nice to me recently.’

‘I know, but I was so horrid all those years.’

‘True.’

‘I was just so afraid – well, it doesn’t matter.’

‘I know. That I would come and claim Miles.’

‘Yes.’

‘As if I would have done. Loving you. Loving him.’

She looked at him. ‘Do you love him?’

‘Very much. I think he’s interesting and clever and charming. Like me.’

‘No, seriously.’

‘Seriously I think he’s all those things. Seriously I love him. And I’ll do everything I can to take care of him.’

‘But you won’t . . .’

‘No. Never. Don’t worry.’

‘He’ll need taking care of. My mother is going to move down. She’ll see he does his school work and doesn’t go on the streets, but she won’t truly understand him and what he needs. She can’t.’

‘I’m sure Amy will do a lot. And his other friends and their families.’

‘At first. But they have their own families. And they’ll slowly stop thinking about Miles. In that kind of way.’

‘Well, I will do my best.’

‘What will you do? What can you do?’

‘Oh, lots of things. I even thought about adopting him. Don’t look at me like that, I’m a good liar and I would have thought of something.’

‘Are you a good liar?’

‘Excellent.’

‘I’m not. Sometimes I wish I was.’ She sighed and looked at him with a rueful smile. ‘Miles is a wonderful liar. I can’t even tell when he’s doing it.’

‘Well, it can be useful. Anyway, I thought I would make a settlement on Miles, a lump sum, to be held in trust for him. The income will be useful to your mother now. At least they won’t have any material worries.’

‘Hugo, how can you afford that sort of thing? Are you very rich?’

‘No. Not what I would call very rich. But I do have some money and I think I owe it to him.’

‘And who will look after this settlement? See he gets it?’

‘My lawyer in New York.’

‘Could my mother have his name?’

‘Of course.’

‘Thank you.’

‘And then later, I will see he goes to a good college. That will postpone his draft as long as possible. I know that worries you. And then, I will also see he gets a job. A good job. Maybe he could work for me. I don’t know. But I won’t let him hang around the town, sharing peace and love with the flower children. Or taking drugs. I promise you. And I will come and see him very often, and talk to him, and make sure there aren’t any serious problems, and that he isn’t seriously unhappy. That
your mother is meeting all the needs she can. That he isn’t too lonely. Too lost.’

Lee was crying again. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t bear the thought of leaving him. It’s the worst, the only thing I really care about.’

‘I know.’

She was silent for a while. Then: ‘Why do you love me? I mean what is it about me? I don’t really understand. I thought it was just sex.’

‘It was at first. I thought you were the most beautiful, desirable, sexy woman I had ever seen. You were certainly the sexiest woman I’d ever been to bed with.’

‘Really?’ she said in genuine astonishment.

‘Yes, really.’

‘But how? I mean in what way?’

‘Hard to define. I suppose because you didn’t think about it. Didn’t analyse it. Just wanted it terribly badly and did it.’

‘And could you tell I wanted it? I mean early on?’

‘Oh yes,’ he said, kissing her hand, fixing her eyes with his own. ‘From that very first day, that very first lunch. I thought, now there is a lady who would be a terrific, gloriously outrageously wonderful lay. And I was right.’

‘OK. So that was the sex. But the love?’

‘Oh, the love. That’s quite different.’

‘How?’

‘I had to love you without ever getting near you again. So I had to find other things to love. It wasn’t hard.’

‘What were they?’

‘Your courage. Your honesty. Your straightforward, sock it to me, let’s get on with life attitude. And then later, more recently, still your courage, which has been phenomenal, but also your capacity for happiness. For pleasure. The talent you have for caring for people. I think,’ he said slowly, stroking her hand very gently, ‘I am very lucky to have known you. And to have fathered your – our child. I count it as a great privilege. And it is the source of great happiness in my life.’

‘Oh, Hugo,’ said Lee, a great sob breaking into her voice, lying back on her pillows, closing her eyes, ‘leave me alone now. Come back tomorrow. I can’t bear it.’

‘All right,’ he said standing up. ‘I’ll go. And I will be back tomorrow.’

‘How – how long can you stay?’

‘A while. As long as you need me.’

‘All right.’

‘Now Mom, are you absolutely perfectly sure about all this?’

‘I’m as perfectly sure as I can be,’ said Mrs Kelly with a martyred sigh. ‘The way I look at it, I don’t have much choice.’

‘Well you are sixty-five. That’s quite an age to be caring for a little boy.’

‘And what a little boy. If you’d raised him a little more strictly it might be an easier task. I always told you you spoilt him. Now I have to pick up the pieces.’

‘Oh, Mom, don’t. And he’s a good boy. Please remember that. Please. And he needs love.’

‘I know.’ Her face softened. ‘It’s all right, Honey, I will love him. I do love him. You don’t have to fret.’

‘I can’t help fretting.’

‘Yes, well, it don’t help anyone. Least of all you.’

‘No, I suppose. Now Mom, I want to talk to you about money. There really isn’t a problem there.’

‘Why not? Dean never made any money.’

‘No, but – well, he had a good life policy. Hugo – Mr Dashwood, you know – he helped me invest it and it is worth quite a lot now. He suggests we put it in trust for Miles, for when he’s twenty-one, and the income will be very useful to you in the meantime.’

‘It must be a very good life policy. How come you got it when Dean killed himself?’

‘Oh, it was a special one,’ said Lee quickly. ‘And also, Mom, if you have any problems, money or legal ones, you can contact Mr Dashwood. He lives in England, but he has a small office in New York. They can take messages. You can always contact him, if it’s urgent. Only don’t do it all the time.’

‘I certainly won’t,’ said Mrs Kelly. ‘I wouldn’t want to. I don’t like the English. Stiff, unfriendly lot. Living in the dark ages most of the time.’ She looked at Lee sharply. ‘Mr Dashwood seems to be a very good friend to you, Lee.’

‘He is,’ said Lee firmly, ‘and he was a real good friend to Dean too. Dean – helped him once, when he was starting out. He’s always said he’d like to repay that.’

‘I see.’

‘And you really really don’t mind coming to live over here?’

‘I mind like hell,’ said Mrs Kelly. ‘Like hell. And how I can face saying goodbye to those hens I don’t know. But I know my duty. I always have. I would never forgive myself if I failed in it now. And this is where Miles should be. I can see that. So what must be must be. But it isn’t easy.’

‘No,’ said Lee. She closed her eyes.

Her mother looked at her. ‘Are you OK?’

‘Just about. It’s nearly time for the morphine. That’s a bad bit of the day.’

‘Poor kid,’ said her mother. It was the first and indeed the only time she had ever evinced any sympathy for Lee whatsoever. Lee knew what it meant. She smiled at her mother and took her hand.

‘I really am very grateful to you.’

‘Hmm. Well, I just hope I last the course.’ There was a pause. ‘Lee, that affair you were having – before Dean died, the one that caused it – is that right over now? I never asked you, never wanted to know. But now I need to, I guess.’

‘Oh, yes,’ said Lee. ‘Absolutely over.’

‘Amy, you will keep an eye on Miles, won’t you?’

‘Of course I will. You know I will.’

‘No, but you’ll keep keeping an eye on him. You won’t forget.’

‘For God’s sake, Lee. We go back a long way. I won’t forget.’

‘He’ll need you so badly.’

‘I know.’

‘Just – just hug him sometimes. And have some fun with him.’

‘I will. Don’t worry about it.’

‘I can’t help it.’

‘I know.’

‘Hugo will be down from time to time. Keeping an eye on things. He’s – he’s very fond of Miles.’

Amy looked at her deadpan. ‘I can see that.’

‘Yes, well.’

‘He’s very fond of you too, I guess.’

‘Yes, he is.’

‘You’re not going to tell me, are you, Lee?’

‘No,’ said Lee simply.

‘Yeah, well, I have eyes in my head. And a brain. Oh, don’t look at me like that, Lee. I won’t say anything. I can’t say anything. I don’t know anything to say.’

‘No,’ said Lee. ‘No, you don’t.’

‘Is – is everything all right with your mom? Money and so on.’

‘Oh, yes,’ said Lee. ‘No worries about money. There’s the insurance and everything. The house is mine. No mortgage.’

‘Some insurance policy,’ said Amy.

‘Yes.’

‘How do you feel?’ said Amy, looking at her tenderly.

‘Lousy.’

‘You look lousy.’