Olive Branches Don't Grow on Trees (14 page)

“It
won’t be the same,
Mom.”                                                  

“Let
me think about it, honey.” 

Silvia
could tell that her mother had much more to divulge, and assumed that if she
was a friend and not her daughter, she would tell her that she was finally
making a successful break from Frank, and that seeing him might stir up
feelings that she could not risk experiencing at this crucial time.  So,
Silvia gave it a break with every intention to return to convincing Donna to
attend the reunion at a later time.

Donna
then told her the main reason for her call.  Today was the fifteenth year
anniversary of her mother’s death, and this year, for some reason, she was
really feeling it, and really needed to talk to Silvia, who she knew was more
bonded to her mother than she, herself, was.  Silvia remembered and
commemorated this occasion in some way every year, but this year, with all that
was on her plate, the date slipped her mind.  She now supposed it was more
than just coincidental that she went to the beach today, as this was the place
where she most strongly felt her grandma’s presence. 
 

Silvia’s
other siblings did not understand her need to commemorate this occasion, as
they did not have the closeness with their grandma that she had.  Grandma
Tucci
was not the type of person to show favoritism
outwardly, but Silvia was her favorite of all the grandchildren.  And that
was a tough contest to win, as she had, altogether, fifteen grandchildren.
 Donna also knew and accepted that her mother was closer to her daughter
than she herself was, just as she had accepted the fact that she lacked the
maternal instinct that her own mother had mastered.  It was Grandma
Tucci
who sat beside Silvia when she was sick in bed, who
made her tortellini chicken soup, who shared boxes of Godiva chocolates with
her on the way back from their little shopping trips, who took Silvia for long
walks on hot summer days, and cried with her when her cat died.  It was
Grandma
Tucci
who did the things that Donna could not
do, maybe because she was too busy fighting Frank off.

But
Grandma
Tucci’s
husband was an even angrier and
scarier version of Silvia’s father, and it was surprising that her grandma was
able to be so motherly to Silvia and that she had not been worn down and broken
and weakened like Donna had.  But she was different than Donna in that
regard.  She seemed to have more tolerance and energy for drama.  She
also kept herself and her problems sealed up inside like a Ziploc plastic bag.
 She never talked about her problems, and her crazy husband, who she could
never leave because she was such a devout Catholic.  Instead of dealing
with her problems, she chain-smoked and went to church a lot.

Silvia
wondered if there was a time when her grandma and grandpa, also known as Gilda
(with a soft G) and
Cosimo
,
were
in love in the way that Donna and Frank had once been in love.  They
eloped because
Cosimo’s
parents, who had come to the
United States from the northern part of Italy, believed that Gilda’s family,
who had come from the southern part of Italy,
were
no
good, or as they said, “
morte
di fame.” Gilda looked
stunning in their wedding photograph, with big dark eyes, thick lips, and
heart-shaped face framed in loose black curls.  
Cosimo
looked like a 1940’s movie star dressed in a white shirt and black suit and tie
and smiling as he looked at his wife with adoring and loving eyes.  But
that was not the Grandpa
Tucci
Silvia knew.  She
could not understand how he could have turned into the monster he eventually
became.

Donna
told stories of her father who was grumpy, even when he was not yet old. 
He sat miserably in their living room drinking, fighting, and listening to his
Nights in Italy
album.  She told
Silvia of how she had surreptitiously scratched the album with her nails one
day after having to hear it continuously for over a year.  Her father
continued to listen to it scratched because he, like Frank, was cheap and
refused to by a new one.  He would just go over and move the needle every
time it started to skip.  He was, however, furious when he realized it was
scratched and blamed his son, Donna’s brother, Carmen, who seemed like the most
likely culprit.  Donna felt such intense guilt for letting Carmen take the
blame.  Eventually, she also developed guilty feelings for ruining one of
the few things her father derived joy from.  So she saved her pennies and
bought him
another
Nights
in Italy
album.  She gave it to
Carmen to give to
Cosimo
, telling her brother to tell
their father that it was he, and not Donna, who bought the album.  And in
doing so, she made her big brother shine in
Cosimo’s
eyes for a little while.

Their
home had walls made of mirrors and was cluttered with gaudy objects, like small
replicates of the Statue of David.  A large portrait of Frank Sinatra hung
on a wall opposite a wall with a painting of Pope John Paul II. 
Cosimo
would throw and break things when he got drunk and
angry, though he never did any harm to either of these wall hangings.  
Cosimo
, like Frank, was a natural born fighter, and Gilda
acted as barrier between him and her children.  As a result, she was not
always able to devote a lot of attention to her children.  Donna claimed
that she had to learn about things like sex and the non-existence of Santa
Claus through her schoolmates, not her mother.

As
Gilda aged and grandchildren started rolling out, she devoted less energy to
dealing with
Cosimo
, who had mellowed with age. 
She relished all of her grandchildren, but Silvia most of all.  There was
something special between them from the start of Silvia’s life, almost as if
Gilda had waited her whole life for this magical little girl to be born.
 Silvia was not sure why she favored her over all of the other
grandchildren.  She guessed that it had something to do with her sweet
disposition as a child.  She sat still and quiet when the other
grandchildren ran wild and rowdily taunted each other.  She and her
Grandma built sand castles at the beach, while her siblings and cousins played
Frisbee and splashed in the ocean.  And she assisted her Grandma dutifully
in the kitchen on Christmas morning, while the others showed off their shiny
new toys to each other.

Silvia
was most grateful for the special bond, and she cried so hard when her Grandma
died that her eyes felt as if they might be permanently burnt.  After
awhile
, she even began crying on the inside, like her tears
had no place else to go.  She became emaciated from not eating and had
dark circles under her eyes from not sleeping.    

Then
one night, she closed her eyes and saw her Grandma’s face, shiny and glimmering
like an angel looking down upon her and saying, “Be happy,
Silvie
.” 
More than seeing this image, she keenly felt her grandmother’s presence.
 After this vision, she knew that she was not alone in the world, that she
would never be alone, and would always have her Grandma beside her.  

CHAPTER FIVE: REMEMBER THE BONSAI

Silvia
had told her mother that she would talk to Vince about their graduation plans
when she got home.  However, she arrived to a fight between Vince and
Frank.  Upon approaching the back door, she saw Frank running around the
house closing windows, which was something that he did when he did not want the
neighbors to hear him screaming.  It was a signal, a warning, and a
precursor to the storm.

“I'm
not helping you with your tuition either, you ingrate!” Silvia heard Frank
yelling, as soon as she walked in the door.

“I
don’t want your help!” Vince yelled back.

“That’s
right!” Frank yelled back, like he did not hear Vince’s reply. “I work hard for
my money!” 

Frank
must have sensed that Silvia was home because she was only half way through the
back door when he ran into the kitchen to tell her his side of the story.

“See
what that brother of yours got started this time?  I don’t hear a word out
of him.  He sits in his room like an introvert and when he does talk, it’s
only to be a pain in the ass.”  Clearly, he was trying to elicit her
support.

“I
don't want to get involved,” she said, still somewhat tranquil from her day at
the beach, her body not yet adjusted to the sharp and sudden change, like
weather to which she had no time to acclimate.  She could have asked what
Vince “got started,” but she was sure that it was either imaginary, or that
Frank had forgotten exactly what it was that Vince did to instigate a fight.
 It turned out that he had not forgotten, nor had he yielded to Silvia’s
wish for not getting involved.

“That
brother of yours is giving me a lot of crap about some plastic bags I bought!”
he said, with hope in his eyes that she might sway to his side.  Although
she knew that this sort of thing was typical Vince, she still did not react to
Frank.  Her face remained solid and serene, while his face turned to one
of a sad, lost beagle at his daughter’s refusal to take his side.  Silvia,
seeing her father’s disappointment and being well aware of his current state of
regression to that of a vulnerable eight year old child, decided to take
advantage of the opportunity.  She agreed to talk to Vince and would use
the favor as bargaining ammunition when convincing him to pay for the reunion
dinner.

When
she knocked on Vince’s door, he said in an annoyed voice to go away.  She
persisted by saying “C’mon Vince, just open the door.”  She could hear him
get off his bed and come to the door.  His face was long and tired with
frustration coming through his eyes.

“I
feel like a fucking idiot,” he said, sitting down on his bed and burying his
face in his hands.

“Why?”
Silvia asked, confounded.

“Because
I should never have believed him when he said he’d help.
 I should have seen that he was just trying to reel me in with his
fraudulent offer.  How many times has he done that to all of us?  I
should have known better.  I should have applied to Rutgers too.  It
would be way cheaper than Berkeley, and then I would be less dependent on
him.  I don’t want to depend on him for anything.  I don’t want to
depend on anyone but myself.”

He
managed to say all this without any sort of break, making it impossible for
Silvia to interject.  When finally given the opportunity, she was at a
loss for words.  She knew that she had to get Vince to apologize to Frank
because Frank would never apologize to Vince.  She knew that she could not
delay any longer in telling her brother about the reunion.  She knew that
if she could appeal to his need for Frank’s financial help, then maybe he would
apologize and maybe he would be receptive to the idea of a family get-together
for his graduation.  And with her knowledge of what she needed to do and
how she had to do it, the words came to her.

“Hey
Vince, you know he goes back and forth with all of us about helping out with
money.  I think he may have even threatened Angie in the past.  I know
he’s been especially bad lately.  But, maybe, if he wasn’t so fucked up
about Mom leaving him, he wouldn’t be acting this way.”

“That’s
not my problem,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “And who can blame her for
leaving him anyway?”

“No
one.
  But that’s not the point.  She was his
only means of survival.  He’s lost without her.  It’s nobody’s fault
but his own that she left, but it still sucks for him.  Instead of crying
about it or trying to get healthy, he does the only things he knows how to
do—drink and fight.”

Vince
looked at his sister like he might be able to understand and relate to what she
was saying, and she took his reaction as a prompt to continue.

“It’s
always like walking on egg shells with him.  You never know what’s going
to set him off.  And he does try to provoke us.  He looks for fights.
But you can’t give him what he wants.  He wants a fight.  It’s a
diversion from his pain.”

“I
try to walk away, and then he gets more upset.  What the fuck am I
supposed to do?”

“Just
act really nice to him.  And don’t give him any shit about plastic bags!
 I know you like to be genuine around everyone, but I’m telling you that
you can’t be that way around everyone, especially around people who are crazy
like Dad.  And the earlier you learn this lesson, the easier your life
will be.”

Vince’s
face was pointed down at the floor, and although he looked like he appreciated
what she was saying, she knew that getting him to go along with her advice
would not be easy.  He was anything but a phony and could not help but
speak his mind at all times.  She needed something more to persuade him to
go out and apologize to Frank, and suddenly she remembered something that
Grandma
Tucci
had taught Silvia when she was angry
with Donna.  She told Silvia that a good way to stop being angry was to
remember something kind her mother had done for her.  The first thing that
came to Silvia was the bonsai tree her mother had bought for her knowing that
she had recently grown infatuated with this type of plant and that she had wanted
one very badly.  She also helped Silvia, who was ten at the time, to
properly care for the high maintenance plant.  From that point on,
whenever Silvia got mad at Donna, she would simply remember the bonsai
tree.  Even more than the tree itself, she remembered the kindness and
thoughtfulness that prompted her mother to buy the plant.  Now she needed
to impart this lesson onto her younger brother.

“Hey
Vince, I know that Dad has a lot of bad qualities and that he can be a real
jerk, but sometimes you need to see the good in him.  You need to remember
that he’s not all bad.  You must know that we are lucky to have a Dad who
gives us any help with our college tuition.  You know most kids pay their
own way.  They take out loans and work full time while they’re in school…”

“Well
most kids don’t have parents with money either,” Vince interrupted.

“I
can’t believe that’s coming out of your mouth.  Since when are you so
entitled, anyway?”

Vince
looked down as if in shame and simply said, “You’re right.”

There
was a period of silence during which Silvia hoped that something was sinking
into her brother’s head.  She did not want to break too long, for she
feared that her words might then dissipate into the air.  So she
continued. 

“Why
are you always angry at him anyway?”

“Can
you blame me?  He’s done nothing but pit us against each other for as long
as I can remember.  He’s been terrible to Mom.  He makes promises
only to break them later.  He...”

“Maybe
that’s all he knows how to do.  Maybe he doesn’t know how to be a better
father or husband.”

“Well
then maybe he shouldn’t have gotten married
or
had
kids.”

She
did not even reply to this last comment, as she did not feel that it was
deserving of a response.  Instead, she recalled a nice deed that Frank had
done for Vince and reminded her brother of this act of kindness.

“What
about the time you had that really terrible
flu,
and
Dad drove you to the hospital at like three in the morning?  It was
probably the only time you were sick in your life, so I know you remember it.
 I remember it too, because I came with you.  And I remember him
staying right by your bedside until you woke up in your hospital bed.”

He
looked like he might be shifting into forgiveness mode, but then his eyes
turned angry again.  There was something in Vince that would not let him
let go of his anger.  In fact, he had a tough time letting go of anything,
most of all bad memories.

“Well,
so he did a good thing that once.  What about the time he hit Mom?
 How can I forget about that?”

“Do
you ever think of all the times he came home with flowers for Mom?  How he
always told her she was beautiful?  How sorry he was for hitting her?”

His
eyes softened once again, and Silvia took advantage of the shift.  “Be the
bigger person and apologize to him, Vince.  I know that he’s much older
than you, and that he’s the parent, but you are much more mature than Dad could
ever be.”  She knew that Vince would not be able to resist this last
point.  It won him over.  He walked out of his room, begrudgingly yet
compliant, and did exactly what his older sister told him to do.

 When
he came back, she gave him a big hug and told him about the dinner that she and
Donna were planning for him.

“So
I was waiting to tell you,” she started, being sure to be ever so careful with
her wording, “because I wanted it to be a surprise, but I was never much good
at planning surprises, so here it goes.  We are going to have a nice
dinner out after your graduation ceremony.  It won’t be anything big.
 
Just the family.”
  She did not use the word
reunion or even the word gathering.

Vince’s
face got really pale and his eyes filled with dread.  “Please, don’t,
Silv
.  I don’t want anything like that.  When our
family gets together, there’s always a lot of tension.  I’m under enough
stress.”

”Well,
maybe Dad would be in a better mood if he thought that this would be an
opportunity to get Mom back.  And maybe if he was in a better mood, he
would stop being so wishy-washy about helping you.”  She was as clear as
she could be, but Vince still seemed confused by her theory.

“Why
does a dinner for me have anything to do with Dad and Mom getting back
together?”

“Because
I plan on talking Dad into paying for the whole thing so that he can look good in
Mom’s eyes, and so then he’ll think that he’ll have a chance at getting her
back.”

As
Silvia articulated this part of her plan for the first time, she was able to
hear the absurdity in it, and although absurd, so was Frank, and so this sort
of scheme had a very good chance of success.  She hoped that Vince had not
also noticed how crazy her scheming was, but she had no such luck.  He
looked back at her like she had a second head growing out of her neck.

“That
sounds crazy.  I appreciate that you’re trying to help me out, but the
whole thing just seems wrong to me.  It’s sneaky.  It’s not
honest.  And I don’t like the way you’re talking about Mom, like she’s
some kind of prize.”

He
was right.  It was sneaky and dishonest, but it was for everyone’s own
good, and she was not going to let Vince and his overly ethical nature get in
her way.  She thought that she should have been more careful in her
wording, or that she might have taken the wrong approach with her
brother.  She had a temporary stumble in her brain, but then thought of
something brilliant to say.  “Well, maybe it’s not honest.  But think
about it in the greater scheme of things.  You get to go to Berkeley, and
when you get out, you’ll be ready to really do big things, to make big changes
in the world.  Dad might be upset when he realizes that Mom won’t be
getting back with him, but he’ll move on.  He always does.  I’m sure
he’ll have someone else as soon as their separation is finalized.”

It
looked as though she was winning Vince over, and maybe she was, but he was not
relenting that easily.  “I’d much rather just the four of us go to dinner
somewhere,” he said.
“Me, you, Mom and Cosmo.”

“So
you want to piss Dad off by excluding him, and you want to deprive Mom of an
opportunity to see her only grandchild?”  This negotiating thing was
starting to get really easy for her.

“No,
I’m not saying that.  Dad doesn’t have to know about it.
 
And Mom can always go up to visit Angie.
 Angie can always come down here.  I thought this whole thing was
supposed to be for me.  So why should it be something that will make me
uncomfortable?  Something I don’t want?”

She
knew that he did not like being the center of attention and that he would be
much happier having a small, unassuming night with the family members with
which he was comfortable.  But this reunion was not something that was
entirely for Vince.  It was something that was for all of them, and his
graduation was merely a convenient excuse for the occasion.  Yet he had a
big stake in this whole thing, and Silvia needed to say whatever she could to
convince him of the importance of the gathering for him.