On Archimedes Street (35 page)

“Where? Oh, of course. At Pizzalotta’s on Canal Boulevard.”

“Yeah. ‘Of course’ is right. It won’t cost Googs a dime.”

“I think I better rest up now, guys. Your visit cheered me up, truly. But the headache…. Dutch, thanks for the flowers and books. It was very thoughtful. And Flip? I can’t wait to show you my inducements when you get back. Can’t wait to see yours, you tall, blond thing. Is it blond down there?”

“Stop that, you mattress-back! Flippie mine!”

“Mmm,” said Frenchy, “I love me a blond.”

“Hands off him, you little whore!”

Flip was grinning widely as they made their way to Dutch’s vintage Triumph. Dutch, by contrast, was scowling.

“A
IN
’
T
THAT
Mimi just the darlin’est thing? Reminds me of Sandra Dee.” Eunice Pizzalotta, sixty-five and sprightly, was removing foil-wrapped stuffed artichokes from a gigantic steamer and setting them out to cool in the kitchen of the family-run Pizzalotta’s Restaurant.

“Sure does. And so sweet and polite. And decently dressed. Not like those tramps that come here with everything on display. I’m tellin’ you, Eunice, I don’t know what the world is comin’ to. Did you see that girl last night in the almost-blouse? It barely covered the subject!”

Thelma Pizzalotta concurred with everything her identical twin said, ever had said since they were two years old. And the agreement was mutual. Harmony ruled in the kingdom of Googs’s maiden great-aunts.

“Googs is lucky to have found her, him a football hero and all. I’m sure there’s tramps all over settin’ their cap for him.”

“You think she’d like an antipasto platter?” Thelma was arranging and fridging the platters for quick service during the lunch crush. “Maybe something lighter. She eats so delicate! And such good table manners.”

“Googs should ask her to marry him.”

“You think he will?”

“He would if he had any sense.” Eunice and Thelma looked at each other wryly. Googs had never been known for his sense.

“Well, cheer up, sug. I think Googs may be finally gettin’ some sense in his head. Did you hear? Two A minuses, a B plus, and a C plus.”

“We better go take communion right away. I think the world is comin’ to an end.”

They both shrieked with laughter.

“I bet you that Mimi had somethin’ to do with that.”

Nodding sagely, Eunice agreed.

“Y
OUR
AUNTS
are so cute together.” Mimi fiddled with her napkin.

“Yeah. They’re great old broads. I sure gave ’em hell, though, when I was a kid.”

“I’ll just bet you did.”

“What did Habbott”—Googs had picked up Dutch’s habit of calling Honoria Abbott by this name—“give you?”

“A minus. Did you pass, Googs?” Mimi held out little hope. “And why did Professor Abbott make you come by her office this morning?”

“A minus,” Googs said nonchalantly. “She thought I cheated.”

“Hah. Tell me another one. You’re so funny.”

Googs looked offended. “Look, I know you’re smarter than me. I don’t mind that. Another man might feel threatened, you know. But you don’t have to keep putting me down.”

“So you passed?”

“Yes, I passed. B plus. But she raised it to A minus after she quizzed me in her office about phagocytosis.”

“You’re shitting me.”

“No—bacterium, phagocyte, cytoskeleton, phagosome, lysosome, ATP-powered.”

Mimi was speechless. “But how….”

“Dutch.”

“You copied from Dutch?”

“No, got tutored by Dutch. For Bible as Literature too. And English.”

“
By Dutch
! That doesn’t sound like Dutch. Why would he do that?”

“Dunno. He likes me. He’s a good guy.”

“
Dutch
is a good guy? Get out. I think you’ve suffered one too many concussions on the football field. You know, he says he’s gay. Did he try anything with you?”

“Yeah, he says it. Probably to get attention from girls. He’s probably been ‘reformed’ now twenty different times.”

“That’s what I think too.”

“He would have tried something. I mean, I owe him. And we’re sitting there all private next to each other.”

“What would you have done, if he’d hit on you?”

“Like I said, I owe him. So I guess I would have let him blow me if he’d asked. He has to know that. So, no, he’s not gay. Dunno that I could have gotten it up, though.”

“Don’t give me that. You spring wood reaching for a quarter in your pocket. Of course you’d have let him slobber all over it.”

Googs looked a little peeved at being so easily read. Yeah, he’d take a blowjob from Dutch, who wasn’t in the least swishy. Googs was uncomfortable around swishy. Actually, once or twice, when the material was especially difficult, he’d wished Dutch had interrupted the tedium with an offer.

“Have you ever….”

“Nah. I mean, I get cruised in the Quarter, but that’s to be expected there, so I just ignore it. Once a guy on the visiting team made a pass, and I don’t mean a lateral.”

“Who!”

“Aw, Mimi, you know I don’t like to gossip. Just set him straight, and that was the end of that.”

“You’re so butch.”

“Grrr.” He leaned in to bite her earlobe.

“Look at you love birds, so adorable!” Eunice placed an antipasto platter on the table. “You make such a cute couple.”

Dutch chose that very moment to sweep into Pizzalotta’s with Flip in tow. He boomed in his baritone, “Well, it’s off to California, home of fruits and nuts. We’ll fit right in!”

“Hey, sug,” said Eunice. “You’re such a dreamboat. To be forty years younger! Come put a little sugar right here.” She pointed to her cheek.

“My man! An A minoo, another A minoo, a B ploo, and a C ploo.” Googs curled his hambone hand for a fist bump.

Dutch bumped the fist. “Capital, capital. What did Habbott give you?”

“B ploo, but then she changed it to an A minoo. Called me up on the carpet and accused me of cheating. Threw me a curve ball of a question right in her office and dared me to answer. I nailed it. About
phag
-o-cytosis. Thanks, my man, for teaching me all about phags.”

“Haw! Haw! Haw!”

Flip looked distinctly uncomfortable, Mimi noticed. She gave him a shrewd, appraising glance. Then she turned her attention to Dutch. “Where did this do-gooder streak come from? The Dutch
I
know and love wouldn’t piss on anyone if they were on fire, much less do volunteer tutoring.”

Dutch took Mimi’s hand and brushed it with his lips. “As always, dearest Mimi, rose petals fall from your mouth.” He fished in his pocket. “Here are the keys to the Triumph. It’s in the lot. If there’s a scratch on it when I get back, your ass will be in a sling.”

“You’ve been tutoring Googs?” Flip asked suspiciously.
Together. Alone. Knees touching, probably.

“All for the home team. Butt ’em Rams!” Googs and Dutch brought their fists to either side of their ears, horn fashion, pawed the ground with their feet, and butted “horns.”

“We’re startin’ you all out with stuffed artichokes, antipasto, and green salad for you, Mimi.” Eunice served Mimi first. “I know you eat like a bird.”

“Yes, a vulture bird. Haw! Haw! Haw!”

“You bad boy! Now you all sit down and stop horsin’ around in the dining room.” Eunice swept the now-empty tray away.

In the kitchen, the maiden great-aunts chattered excitedly to each other. “It was Dutch who helped Googs with his grades! Imagine, he’s had the sense to get really tight with Achille Abbott’s only son!”

“Oh, sister. Forget about takin’ communion. We’d better call the priest for the last rites. The world is
definitely
comin’ to an end!”

In the dining room, Mimi and the other diners heard cascades of high-pitched risibility emanating from the kitchen.

Chapter 48

T
ED
,
THE
flight attendant for the first-class cabin, eyed them appreciatively. Brothers, obviously, and so tall and hulking they had to scrunch down to avoid grazing the cabin ceiling with their heads. Jocks, from the look of them. Although his fantasy wishbone was a very well-developed portion of his imaginary anatomy, it could not overrule the evidence his brain now sifted. Yes. Straight. Unfortunately. He almost felt sorry for them, having to fold all those yards of leg and torso into the cramped tourist cabin seats. Then, to his shock, they stopped at 3A and 3B. Ted tried to stop ogling. Too bad that they clearly needed no help stowing their carry-ons. He busied himself settling in the aged, infirm, and wealthy, all determined to milk every penny of service that was their due, considering their outrageously priced tickets.

“We’re being scoped out big-time by the attendant,” whispered Dutch. “This is gonna be fun.”

Flip whispered back, “Dutch, don’t do anything outrageous, or I swear I’ll pummel you when I get you in that hotel room.”

“As long as you pummel all the right parts. How come you don’t call me a cheap little piece of slutty tail like you used to? Don’t you love me anymore?”

Flip, in the window seat, stared in irritation at the back of 2A, currently accommodating an extremely thin and frail blue-haired woman.

Ted didn’t approach them until they had reached cruising altitude. He was pushing the drinks cart down the aisle. The blue-haired gnome in 2A requested that two glasses of champagne be poured for her at the same time. Ted was used to this, and he complied without demur. After all, he had only rows 1 to 6 to service, twelve seats only, half of them empty. And he intended to do his best to service 3A and B to the max. His fantasy wishbone liked the word
service
.

“Good afternoon, gentlemen. My name is Ted, and I’ll be your attendant during this flight. Thank you for flying Zephyr Airlines. Can I offer you a beverage?”

“Hello, Ted. Yes, please. I’m Rod. And this here is Dick.”

Despite himself, Flip smirked up a dimple.
Oh, God. Here we go. At least let it be funny.

“Champagne? Cocktail?”

“Cock-
tail
appeals,” said Dutch suggestively. “Scotch and soda on the rocks, please.”

Ted brightened. Things were looking up.

Flip leaned over in his seat. “And can I have a beer?”

“
Com
ing right
up
.”

Dutch nudged Flip, who elbowed him sharply in return.

“Oof.”

“Here you go. Are you okay?”

“Yes.” Dutch coddled his jabbed rib cage. “Just a little chilly. Could I have a blanket?”

“Certainly.”

“Actually, could I have two? There’s a
lot
of me to cover.”

“I
see
that.”

Flip groaned internally, but he couldn’t suppress a slight thinning of the lips.

Ted produced the blankets. “Anything else, gentlemen?”

“No thanks, Ted. We’re all set up.”

“Well, just push the Attendant button”—he gestured—“if you need
anything
.”

“I’ll remember that.”

As Ted pushed his cart down the aisle, Flip hissed, “Rod?
Dick
? You’ve hit a new low.”

“Travel makes me horny,” Dutch whispered back.

“Just keep it in your pants under that blanket.”

“I will, I promise. Here, you need a blanket too.”

“No thanks. I’m not cold.”

“Maybe not. But take one anyway.”

Flip accepted it suspiciously, and then drew out his copy of
Pride and Prejudice
from the seat flap where he’d stowed it earlier.

“You’re going to
read
?”

“Why not? Might as well get a head start on next year.”

Dutch fidgeted restlessly and worked his knee up and down as Flip turned pages quietly. Finally, Dutch couldn’t take the enforced stillness any longer and drew the book from Flip’s hand. “Here. Let me read it to you. It’ll pass the time.”

“I can read it for myself.”

“But I can give you commentary and analysis that you’ll need for your course. I’ve studied this novel.”

Flip was justly suspicious, but he knew Dutch would crawl out of his skin without some distraction. “Okay.”

“Ah—let’s see. Let’s start at the beginning, eh?
Pride and Pre-juice,
by Jane Austen. A classic.” Dutch cleared his throat and began to “read” in a baritonal murmur.

“My dear Mr. Bennett, Nether-parts Park is let at last.”

“Dutch—” Flip interrupted in annoyance.

“Don’t interrupt. It’s very rude, and you won’t learn anything.

“‘Do not you want to know who has taken it?’ cried his wife impatiently.

“
You
want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.

“Well, then, it is taken by a young man of great fortune from the north of England, and his name is Bigley.

“Bigley, is it?

“At just that moment, this same Mr. Bigley awaited the arrival of his friend, Mr. Racy, who approached Nether-parts Park on horseback. As Mr. Racy dismounted, his friend hailed him and complimented his equestrian style.

“Very welcome indeed, sir, to my Nether-parts!

“Most obliged, Bigley. Pray, sir, do you find Nether-parts congenial? How does country living suit you so far?

“Though my tenancy here is but brief, I admit that I find Nether-parts exhilarating and charming. The country air is bracing, and I like nothing better than an early morning gallop on a spirited stallion. Not that my meager skills can hold a candle to yours. I declare, Mr. Racy, that yours is the finest seat in all Derbyshire, if not the kingdom. How I envy you your skill with a horse.

“Thank you, sir. And you, how do your equestrian efforts progress? Will you demonstrate your seat to me now?

“I shall most gladly, sir, but if it is agreeable to you, I propose posting myself to preparedness on the saddle of your nose rather than the pommel, and then seeking my completion on the greater prominence below.

“You are forward, sir, and reach above your station. I commend your directness nonetheless, and I admit that I have admired your seat since I first beheld it last Michaelmas. Indeed, the prospect is not disagreeable. Are you fresh, sir?