On the Brink (Vol. 1) (The On the Brink Series) (14 page)

Taking
a deep breath, I got to my feet. Carefully placing the DVD in the center of the
coffee table, where Craig couldn’t possibly miss it, I picked up my purse and
left the suite.

Walking
through his empty office, I paused for a moment, struck by an overwhelming
sense of loss. And fear.
What if he had
done that to me? What if that was next for me?

Pulling
myself together, I took a Kleenex from my purse and dabbed my eyes. I armored
myself with my dark, generously sized sunglasses. I took a deep breath and
straightened my posture.

Opening
the door to the reception area, I strode decisively toward the elevator.

“Ms.
West?” the receptionist called.

“Yes?”
I responded coolly.

“Mr.
Manning is in a meeting in the conference room. It’s expected to finish in
fifteen minutes or so. He said you were planning to have breakfast—”

I
cut her off. “Something’s come up. I can’t stay. Please let Craig know that I
had to leave earlier than expected.”

“I’ll
do that, Ms. West. Have a nice day.”

I
needed to leave. My impulse was to run. I punched the down button on the elevator
harder than necessary, and the door popped open with an insultingly cheerful
“ding.”

As
the elevator began its descent to the ground floor, I slumped against the wall.
The Craig I thought I knew wasn’t real. The man I loved didn’t exist. The real
Craig was someone else. Someone I didn’t know and wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

From
what I’d just seen, I now knew that he was capable of things that would forever
remind me of being raped by Matt. And if I stayed with him, God only knew when
that would happen.

Chapter
Twenty-Three

Somehow,
I made it through the rest of the day on some kind of autopilot I hadn’t known
I possessed. I called in sick to Perfect Transcripts before more or less
sleepwalking through my afternoon class. At the end of class, I saw that I had
three voicemails from Craig, but I couldn’t bring myself to listen to them.
What could he possibly say, after all?

I
took the subway to Davis Square and made my way home. Climbing the stairs to
the apartment, I crossed my fingers that Duncan was at home. I really needed my
best friend.

No
such luck. The apartment was empty. I changed into sweatpants and a T-shirt and
flopped onto the couch.

I
needed to clear my mind with something, anything. I flipped through a few
channels of bad TV. I thought about ordering takeout. Maybe Chinese. Or pizza.
Something delivered to the door. I knew I should eat something—I hadn’t
eaten all day—but the very thought made me nauseous. Maybe I could watch
a movie, or read a book. I needed to put Craig out of my mind. Forget about his
existence, as impossible as that would be.

Around
eight o’clock, I heard the sound of a key turning in the lock, and it gave me a
start until I realized it was Duncan. Thank fucking god.

“Jules!
Long time no see! Spent the night with Craig, did you? I’m envious. It’s been
months since—”

I
held up my hand. “It’s over. Craig and I are done.”

“Why?
What’s happened?” He sat down next to me on the couch.

My
voice shaky but clear, I said quietly, “He’s into BDSM. And group sex. And
videoing it all.”

Duncan’s
eyebrows flew up. “He told you this?”

“I
found a DVD in his suite. Of him and his ex, Alessandra d’Acosta. Much of what
I saw reminded me of what Matt did to me.”

Duncan
put his arm around my shoulders. “Have you talked to him since then?”

“No.
I just left the DVD on his coffee table, where he couldn’t miss it.”

Duncan
sighed. “This DVD isn’t necessarily recent, you know. It could have been made
when they were together. Lots of people experiment. Bondage. Multiple partners.
Toys. Whatever. It could have been a one-time thing... I don’t mean to take his
side, Jules. Just playing devil’s advocate. Are you sure you’re not
overreacting? Maybe you should just talk to him about it.”

“Look,
I get what you’re saying. I admit that I don’t know anything about BDSM really.
Whatever consenting adults do together is no one else’s business, and I don’t
mean to judge Craig, or anyone else. But the thought of being tied up obviously
scares the hell out of me, for reasons you and I both know.”

“No
wonder you’re upset... especially after what you’ve been through.”

“On
the DVD... Alessandra... she was bound and gagged... drooling, and struggling
to breathe. She looked like she had been crying. I’m not saying it was
nonconsensual. I truly couldn’t tell for sure. But either way, I can’t be with
a man who gets off on hurting women.”

Duncan
looked stunned. “That’s about the last thing I would have expected from Craig.”

“Tell
me about it. I almost didn’t believe my own eyes.”

“Maybe,
at some point, you’ll talk to him about what you saw,” Duncan said.

I
shook my head. “Not anytime soon. I need time and space to even begin to wrap
my head around this. If I was with him now, I wouldn’t feel safe. Confronting
him could anger him. Then what? Another rape? What I’m feeling right now is
related to being a rape survivor, but it’s going to take time for me to sort
things out in my mind. I thought I’d put the rape behind me, at least enough to
have a normal relationship. But it all came back today, when I saw the video.
Emotionally, I was back in that room, tied to the bed, hurt, bleeding, and
terrified for my life. Obviously, I’ve still got issues, and I don’t know if
it’s even possible to work them out. Right now, I need to figure things out.
Maybe go back to therapy.”

Duncan
put his hand on my knee, and we just sat in silence for a moment while we
waited for me to calm down.

Later,
when the doorbell rang, Duncan ran to the window to see who it was.

“Craig’s
outside. Do you want me to tell him to go away?”

“Please
just tell him to go away. I need time.”

Duncan
went downstairs, closing the door firmly behind him. A couple of minutes later,
I heard raised voices, and then Craig’s car driving away, followed by Duncan’s
footsteps coming up the stairs.

“What
did you tell him?” I asked.

Duncan
sat next to me on the couch.

“I
told him that you stumbled on the DVD of him and Alessandra having sex, and
that, because of the content and because of what you’ve been through in your
past, you need space. He was obviously distressed, but he did leave when I
asked. He wants you to contact him, whenever you’re ready.”

“I’m
not sure I’ll ever be ready.”

“I
don’t know,” Duncan said thoughtfully. “Could Craig deceive both of us so
easily? It still doesn’t make sense to me.”

“Since
when does life make sense, anyway?” I said bitterly, getting up from the couch.

As
I stood, my left hand grazed the rock he’d given me on the day we first made
love. It rested on the coffee table, weighting down the phone bill. The circle
of rough white stone embedded in its smooth gray surface had come to symbolize
his presence in my life, the beautiful, unexpected force of nature that he had
been in my life.

I
picked it up. Turned it over in my hand. Ran my fingers across the smooth gray
and rough white of its surface. Then, I walked slowly to my bedroom, opened a
bureau drawer, and shoved the rock to the back, behind a stack of clothing.

Continue to follow Juliana and Craig’s story
in
On the Brink
Volumes Two and
Three.

Volume Two will be
released in January 2014

Volume Three will
be released in March 2014.

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