On the Outside (Caught Inside #3) (20 page)

Chapter 40

“Kook!” Someone yelled loudly at me over the sound of the roaring ocean.

“Jerk,” I muttered back with a roll of my eyes.

I bobbed along the surface of the ocean, fighting off pangs of seasickness. I grabbed onto my wet tank top and snapped it away from my body. For how brilliant ideas went, maybe this wasn’t my most intelligent plan.

Driven by Limbo’s words and the look of disdain on Xavier’s face, I realized the universe had to be pissed off at me for something. Maybe it was karma or maybe it was something else entirely. Whatever the reason, I knew that in order for things to finally go right in my life I had to face things that scared me head on and
by myself
. So, I did what any normal person would do. I borrowed a surfboard and jumped into the ocean fully clothed.

My denim shorts began to feel crunchier as each wave splashed more saltwater against me. Nothing felt worse than that wet jean feeling but if it meant paying some cosmic debt, I was all for it.

“Okay, I need to stop being scared and complacent and do this on my own.”

“Argghh!”

I gasped and turned my head in time to spot an appropriately dressed surfer crash and burn. His surfboard popped up above water though his body was still somewhere beneath the crashing waves. I breathed a sigh of relief when I found him swimming toward shore.

Fear-stricken, I froze, feeling my heart pounding, on the verge of hyperventilation. “What the fuck am I doing? This isn’t some movie where doing a heroic act will suddenly making everything align for me. What was I thinking believing that doing this will make Xavier love me again…if he even did love me? Who was I kidding?”

Gripping the sides of the board, I prepared to turn back around and paddle back to shore when I heard Limbo whooping and hollering. “You can do it, Betty! Do it for the ocean!”

His shouts momentarily distracted me, which was a very good thing. Feeling a bit calmer, I decided to stick to my original plan.

This wasn’t about Xavier—this was about showing myself that I didn’t need a team to keep me afloat. All I needed was myself. I couldn’t open myself up to anybody until I learned to love number one, and that love only came from proving every insecurity I had about myself wrong. The public, your peers, and even loved ones—what did they know about you exactly? Was it worth believing what they say or think about you? No! It only mattered what you thought about yourself, and the more I thought of myself as a weakling, the more everyone would see me that way as well.

“I’m going to do this today. I am going to paddle into a wave myself. Xavier was a great teacher and that was probably why I relied on him too much. Not this time. I’ll rely on myself.”

I gazed out into the horizon and sucked in my breath and spotted a dark line growing on the outside. It began to shape up beautifully, nature’s wall building up only to crash down.

Paddle hard. Dig and push.

I turned my surfboard around and dropped onto my stomach, paddling hard. The brass button of my shorts dug into my belly button, but I ignored it and kept my back arched, digging my arms into the ocean. From my periphery I could spot other surfers eyeing me with curiosity. I must have looked like quite a sight. No wonder everyone thought I was a kook.

It doesn’t matter what they think about you. Just keep going.

“Paddle, paddle, paddle.” I repeated my mantra, ignoring the burning sensation in my arms.

Sure, in movies paddling seemed like the easiest part of surfing. I mean, you’re lying on your stomach and practically swimming with support. What they don’t show you is that it’s not only a very cardio intensive workout, it’s a muscle strengthener and a balancing act all wrapped together and tied with a beautiful bow.

“You can do it. You can do it.” My chants were getting more specific now.

Suddenly, I felt the sought after feeling of being carried by the wave. The familiarity of it all gave me the confidence to place my hands against the board. With one last sigh, I pressed down and pushed myself up to my knees at first and then to both feet. My heart was pounding and I wanted nothing more than to close my eyes, but I couldn’t. There was no chance I could cheat myself out of this experience.

My board wobbled a bit under my feet, but I moved forward, trying my best not to fall. I came this far, I wasn’t about to wipe out at the final moment. A spray of water burst from under my fin, hitting a body boarder who tried to steal my wave.

“Come on, just a little more.” I spotted the shore coming into view, and saw Limbo waving his arms in the air. “I hope that’s a happy wave.”

Finally, after what felt like forever, though most likely only a few seconds, my board skidded to a stop against the sand.

Thump, thump, thump.

My heart was beating a mile a minute. With shaking legs, I hopped off the board and fell to my knees, shaking uncontrollably.

“Oh man, I can’t believe I did it.”

Clap. Clap. Clap.

I looked up expecting to see Limbo and was surprised when I saw Kacy walking in my direction. Her hair was pulled into a tight ponytail, causing the grin on her face to become more pronounced.

“What are you doing here?” I asked once she reached my side.

“A little bird told me that you were in town. I have to admit I was a bit disappointed that you didn’t stop by my restaurant first.” She plopped down next to me and fanned her hands out so that her fingers were buried into the sand.

My heart finally steadying, I shrugged. “Blake certainly has a big mouth.”

“Oh you have no idea,” Kacy replied with a laugh.

I bit my lip. “What are you doing here?”

“Xavier told me you stopped by his house this morning.”

“Did he also tell you how he basically slammed the door in my face?” I muttered.

She bowed her head uncomfortably. “Yeah, even I felt the cringe factor on that one.”

“You have no idea.”

Her gaze dropped from my head to toes, grimacing at my wet clothing. “I would ask you what you’re doing, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know.”

“Let me guess, did Limbo tell you?” I shook my head and let out a strained chuckle. “Guess Mistcoast isn’t just full of attractive people; it’s full of gossips too.”

“Um, thanks?” Kacy shook her head in a hurry. “Nah, what I mean is our town—our ocean specifically—is like a magnet. Anyone who is hurt seems to gravitate toward it. It’s almost like a beacon to those who need enlightenment. Surfing has a way of giving you more energy. It realigns your chakras for sure.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You know for one of Limbo’s protégés you were certainly uptight in San Diego.”

“I was also looking out for my brother. Speaking of which, I think somebody wants to speak with you.” She looked over my shoulder and broke into a smile. “Xavier?”

“Xavier?” I squeaked.

Kacy pushed herself up and gave her a brother a slight nod. Her flip-flops smacked against the soles of her feet as she walked over to Limbo, who wore a conspiratorial expression on his face.

Xavier loomed over me, the sun shining over his head. I took a good look at him—my first in a week since I was too nervous to do so earlier—and felt my heart wilt. Dark circles framed his eyes, which looked darker and less vibrant.

He looks so sad.

“What are you doing here?” I whispered.

“I saw you running away.”

I shifted in embarrassment. “I didn’t run away. I just had somewhere to be.”

“Oh? And by somewhere you mean surfing in full attire?”

I pulled at my shorts and grimaced. “I just came to the epiphany that there were some things I needed to change in my life and let’s just say my impulse took over common sense.”

“You can say that again. Didn’t know surf wear included a lace tank top and jean shorts.”

I bit my lip and felt tears threatening to spill from my eyes. “Xavier, are we really over? I know things got weird between us and I’m so sorry for getting into that fight with Kacy, but you know she—”

Remembering Limbo’s words of advice, I realized I was doing it again. I was going to
depend
on someone once again. I was going to blame Kacy for everything. Sure, she drove me to the point of no return, but I was a grown woman. I didn’t have to respond to her immaturity like that.

I shook my head, wiping the sentence from my mouth. “I’m sorry…I know I haven’t exactly been the shining girlfriend. You were right.”

“I was?”

“Yeah.” I nodded my head slowly. “I haven’t exactly been the type of girlfriend you’d be proud to introduce to your parents. What with all the scandals and the drama that followed me…” I glanced over at Limbo, who threw me a thumbs up. “Somebody told me that when you dwell on negativity you invite it into your life and it poisons even the good things. I think I was doing that with you. I was so caught up in the fact that you could bring something good into my life that I didn’t try to fix the bad stuff in me that could have poisoned you in return.”

“You’re not a poison, Harper.”

“Yes, I am,” I argued. “From our first date at the bowling alley I attracted trouble. Who came to save me? You. When it came to Wyatt or Charlie, who was there looking out for me? You. Even when it came to surfing, who was there to push me into a wave? You. I was so dependent on you fixing me that I didn’t try to fix myself. It was probably the same reason why I subconsciously allowed myself to continue being dragged into the drama…I didn’t want to lose you.”

A cool breeze blew by our heads, ruffling Xavier’s hair, which had grown substantially. He peered at me quietly, but his expression was unreadable.

“Xavier, what are you thinking?” I asked quietly.

“Is that the reason why you pulled this stunt?” He pointed toward Limbo’s board, which I surprisingly hadn’t broken yet.

“Not to bring negativity, but quite the opposite,” I clarified.

“Yeah, I thought so.” His thick eyebrows pushed together and the dimple in his chin deepened as he smirked. “So you thought surfing by yourself would somehow bring positivity? How does that even work?”

“Surfing makes you so happy. I thought that maybe if I did something that’s supposed to make people happy, not to mention something that I did for myself, I’d be in a better place in my life and maybe attract some good toward me.”

“That good being?”

“You?” I said shyly.

Xavier finally took a seat next to me, brushing against my shoulder in the process. “Listen, Harper, I never meant to be a jerk to you.”

Upon hearing those words it was as if I finally released a lungful of air I was holding. “You didn’t?”

“I never had any experience with a woman like you, or many women, for that matter. I know it sounds pathetic, me being an adult and all—”

“No, it doesn’t,” I interrupted him. “You wanted to focus on your career, what’s so bad about that?”

“I take it Kacy spoke to you?”

Sheepishly, I shrugged.

He nodded. “All I’ve known was black and white, logistics and concrete. I didn’t know how to deal with somebody who took life as it was thrown to them.”

Okay, that was the first time I'd ever heard something like that.

“I’m a planner, Harper. I research, prepare, schedule, budget…how do you do that in a relationship? You’re dealing with an actual person with feelings.”

“Are you sure those other women weren’t robots?” I joked.

He snorted. “Emotional robots maybe, but you were somebody who always succumbed to her emotions. I don’t think you necessarily invite negativity in your life.”

“You don’t?” I whispered.

“I think you embrace it when it does come, whereas I try my hardest to fight it.” He took a deep breath and leaned back onto his elbows. “I don’t think either one is a good thing.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sometimes you have to push the bad things away so they don’t affect you as much.” He paused and looked at me pointedly. “But sometimes you also have to acknowledge it so you can figure out how to fix your life.”

“Well…maybe we can work on finding a balance…together?” I asked hopefully.

To my relief, he smiled. “Harper, I was a jerk. I know I should have told you about my plan to brush you off, but I guess it was my way of pushing away the negative. I was scared that if I told you, you’d call me a wimp and tell me to man up and confront my sister.”

“I know you care about her a lot though. I heard you’ve always looked out for her.”

“We didn’t always have the best relationship, but we’ve gotten closer as adults and I just didn’t want to ruin that with her so I did what I do best. I do damage control by controlling the situation, and in this case I thought pretending we were over would get Kacy off my back. I’m sorry, I should have told you. I was dumb to think that you’d pick up on what I was doing by yourself. For some reason I thought with all that PR training you did you’d see what I was doing. Deny, deny, deny.”