On the Ropes (11 page)

“So she’ll come back?”

“Uh-huh. You’re getting it.”

“Mom says I’m smarter than Dad.”

Everyone was smarter than Terrence Coffman, but Stephen didn’t say so aloud. It was fortunate that Toby seemed to be more Scott than Coffman on the intelligence front.

A car door slammed, and Stephen peeked around the umbrella to see Janette walking around to the back of Meg’s car and pulling the trunk open. Meg got out on the passenger side and rubbed the small of her back.

Hmm.

Seth rolled over at that moment and looked up. Fortunately, Meg had stopped rubbing by then. She’d been a competitive gymnast as a teen and was used to living through pain, but he would probably overreact about it. Stephen couldn’t blame him. He’d probably do the same.

“Come on, Toby,” Stephen said. “Looks like they bought out the store. We’d better help them put it all away.”

“Hey!” Seth was on his feet and running to the house the moment Meg put her hands on the little propane canister. “Just leave it.”

“It’s not that heavy,” she said, but she backed away all the same.

Toby held out his arms upon approach and Jan looked into the trunk, tapping her index finger on her chin. “Hmm. You’re a strong boy. Let’s see what you can carry. Oh, I know.”

She wriggled a twelve-pack of paper towels out of the Tetris-like pile-up and nestled it into his arms.

“Do you know where that goes?” she asked.

“Yep.” He carried it toward the stairs with Jan smiling after him.

All going according to plan.

Stephen reached into the cargo area and heaved out a couple of cases of bottled water. “Did you get enough? You know, there’s city water here. You don’t have to refill a tank to take a shower or anything.”

“Ha-ha. Meg said to get it, so there.”

He looked at Meg.

She shrugged. “Even the bottled water was gone. We’ve got to have it on hand in case of a storm and it’s better to buy it now and not when there’s the imminent threat of a hurricane.”

“The maids took the bottled water? Seriously? Maybe you just ran out last time.”

“No freaking way. There’s always two untouchable cases here. Ask Mom.”

Stephen put his hands up. “No need. I believe you. Did you call the service?”

Jan giggled and carried two heavy-looking bags into the house. “She called them, all right.”

“She giggled,” he whispered to Meg. “What’d you do to her?”

“I didn’t do anything to her. I think she was simply surprised at the fact that my class leaches away a bit when I feel like I’ve been cheated.”

“Shit. We’re going to be blacklisted by every cleaning company on the beach, aren’t we?”

She didn’t answer, and that was all the answer he needed.

It took about half an hour to get everything unloaded and put away. While Seth installed the new canister on the grill and Meg rooted around to find a snack for Toby, Stephen found Jan in the downstairs master.

She stood by the double doors looking out at the beach.

He approached her cautiously so as not to scare her.

“I moved your suitcase down here. I hope that’s okay.” He sat on the padded bench at the foot of the bed and rubbed his sunburned shoulder. He’d underestimated the strength of the sun through the clouds.

“It’s fine.” Her gaze landed on the simple lock on the doors. “As long as I’m not in here by myself.”

“I’ll make sure you’re comfortable. I promise.”

“I know you’ll try.” She turned, but her gaze was on her feet and not his face. Seeing her so timid when she’d been so confident and assured at the resort made him understand that the resort was probably a sort of safe space for her.

His house wasn’t.

Changing that was yet another item he’d need to add to his plan.

She walked over and sat beside him. Her forehead furrowed and she wrung her hands on her lap. “I want to tell you something.”

“You want to or feel you
should
?”

That made her look up at him, and confusion was plain on her lovely features. He knew she wasn’t stupid, not by a long shot, so he must have struck a chord somewhere.

“Maybe both. I feel like I carry secrets around that don’t really need to be secrets.”

“Secrets aren’t all-or-nothing things, Jan. They don’t stop being secrets just because you tell a person. They just become something that’s shared instead of endured alone.”

“You’re really wise for a lawyer, huh?”

“I don’t know about that. Maybe just observant.”

“Wise, I think. So, I’m telling you this. I want you to understand that sharing isn’t easy for me because during the years I really needed to unburden myself, I didn’t have anyone who’d listen.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

She exhaled through her lips and smoothed a hand over her hair. “It’s true. I lived in the sort of household where I was expected to keep my troubles to myself. I wasn’t allowed to be weak, because it made me annoying, I guess. On the few occasions when I tried to express my needs or instigated some small act of affection, I was shut down.”

“Why?”

“I don’t really know. I just know I never felt wanted. I don’t know why they took me in, really. My stepmother had insinuated a few times that she wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t the Christian thing. I wasn’t her child. She didn’t care about me other than to make sure there was food on my plate and that my clothes were clean—the things that would keep outsiders from talking about me.”

“And your father?” he asked.

“My father…is the reason I often don’t feel safe in my own skin.”

Stephen’s hands balled into fists at his sides, but Jan grabbed them.

“No, no. Not like that. He never touched me. I didn’t know until yesterday what had happened between him and my mother.”

“What happened?” he asked through clenched teeth.

“I don’t know all the details—what happened leading up to it—but, apparently, when I was very young, he broke into the apartment I shared with my mother, and they fought. I hid, I guess. I don’t remember what happened, exactly. Neighbors told the police that they argued loudly and that they heard things breaking. We moved not too long after that, but since that day, I’ve worried about being alone in a place even if I didn’t understand why. The memory is repressed.”

If that wasn’t a justifiable fear, he didn’t know what was. He hadn’t worked in family law for long, but he remembered feeling powerless for so many of those women who endured trauma and never fully recovered from it. In fact, some of them went back because they didn’t know what else to do. They thought mistakes didn’t repeat, or that it was all their fault.

That they’d do better and not make their partners mad anymore.

“I don’t know what they argued about,” Jan said, “but I wonder now if I was the cause of it.”

“Of course you weren’t.”

“Fear and logic aren’t always compatible, no matter how hard you try to squeeze them together. I just wanted you to understand why I was in your room this morning.”

“If you had woken up in the bed beside me, I wouldn’t have expected an explanation.”

“Because it would make more sense if we were here together and just fucking.”

He closed his eyes and nodded.

“Why haven’t you tried? To have sex with me, I mean?”

So, they were going to go there.

He sighed and pushed his hair behind his ears. “I want to. Don’t get me wrong. I’d love nothing more but to have you naked in my bed and finally getting to touch you.”

“But?”

The confusion on her face had been chased away by wide-eyed curiosity. She was so fucking pretty, it was a wonder she didn’t scramble his brain and dislodge the self-control he’d been struggling to maintain for the past two days.

“But I don’t want to
go
there, Jan. I don’t want a taste of you. I don’t want to get addicted to you only for you to walk away.”

“I can’t make any promises to you.”

“I understand that, and I appreciate you telling me that bit about your past. I want you to trust me. And don’t misunderstand me.” He put his hands on either side of her face and lightly dragged his thumbs along her cheekbones.

She closed her eyes and her spine relaxed as if she were melting under his touch. She
needed
touch. He knew that, and she probably understood it, but she also needed to let herself receive it.

He didn’t want sex unless her heart was going along for the ride, too. Not this time.

He put his lips against her ear and whispered, “I want to be in you. I want to hold you tight and keep you on the edge of pleasure all night. I want you to feel like you’re not going to survive unless I let you come, and when you finally do—when you fall apart in my arms—you’ll be angry with yourself for not letting me have you sooner. I’m not going to push you, Jan, and I’m not going to take scraps when I know you can give me everything.”

He heard her sharp intake of air, and felt her stiffen against him, but he didn’t let go. He swirled his lips over her earlobe and inhaled her delicate, citrus-laced scent.

His cock swelled in his swim trunks, and he didn’t care if he’d be rubbing one out in about ten minutes. He didn’t even care if she saw his arousal. He hadn’t pretended to be anyone he wasn’t, but now he was just being clear about what he wanted.

She pressed her hands to his thighs and worked them upward slowly, stopping just before reaching his crotch. “I’m afraid to want you.”

“No, you’re afraid of not being wanted back.”

“Fine. But being wanted isn’t enough.”

“What is enough, then?”

“Being kept. And I can’t promise that’s in our future. I don’t know where my life is going.”

He let his hands fall from her face and pulled back a bit. “And you think mine is perfectly mapped out?”

“Isn’t it? You’ve got a great job, hobbies you love, a passion to share. Seems like you’ve got everything you want.”

“And maybe I thought that, too, earlier this week. Then I drove down here, bone-tired, and wondered how I had let myself turn into an automaton. There’s hardly any room in my life for
me
.”

“And yet you want to squeeze me into it?”

“That’s the thing. I want to do more than just squeeze you into it. Do you understand what I’m telling you? I want you to do more than just fill in narrow gaps.”

“But you can’t promise to give me that, either.”

“Fuck.” He leaned back onto the bed and rubbed his eyes. He couldn’t promise. And how could he make demands of her?

The door swung open, and Toby said, “Janette, can you make sandcastles?”

Great timing, kid
.

“Oh,” Jan said. “It’s been a long time since I’ve made one. When I’m at home, I don’t have much time to go to the beach.”

“Did you bring your bathing suit?”

“I think I might have a couple in my suitcase. Would you like to wait for me in the family room?”

“I’ll see you in five minutes.”

Jan laughed. “Only five? You’ve got to give a lady some time!”

“Five minutes is a
really
long time.”

“Perhaps if you’re five years old,” Stephen muttered.

Jan gave him a silencing pinch, and said to Toby, “I’ll be out as soon as I can. I promise.”

“Okay.” Toby closed the door.

Jan stood and walked to her suitcase. “I’m sure you’re welcome to tag along if you’d like. I doubt Toby would mind.”

Right. As if he’d force himself to endure the torture of seeing her in a bathing suit. Maybe if she wore a muumuu over it.

“I don’t know. I might go to the gym.” There was a bag there. He’d have to borrow a pair of gloves though. Nasty loaners. Once he started punching, though, he’d forget they weren’t his and he’d be able to think. To plan.

“You have plenty of time to go to the gym. How often do you see your nephew?”

“You guilting me?”

She stood, holding what looked like a respectable-enough one-piece, black bathing suit. “Is it working?”

“I think you just want someone to haul buckets of water for you.”

“Or perhaps I enjoy your company.”

“Bullshit. You’re afraid of a five-year-old, aren’t you?”

“I am not.” She flicked her bathing suit at him and he caught it in an easy swipe. “I adore children. That’s why I wanted to teach.”

“Yeah. I went into law because I adore money.”

She groaned and grabbed the bathing suit back. “You’re such a liar. I think money makes your life somewhat more convenient, but you don’t actively pursue more of it, do you?”

Yup. She was smart.

“Money is an infatuation that can destroy lives. I like having it, but I don’t want it to stop me from growing as a person.”

“Hmm.” Jan went into the bathroom and closed the door.

Growing as a person. Was he doing that now working in corporate law? No. He was just another shark in the tank, and he had to keep moving to breathe. Everything was automatic, except boxing with those kids. That was the only time he shut off the autopilot.

Jan emerged carrying her dress over her arm.

He bit his lip to squelch his whistle of appreciation. Goddamn. Even in a one-piece, she didn’t leave much to the imagination. The suit must have had some sort of support built into the top because it pushed her full breasts up high. He wanted to bury his face, and other things, in her luscious cleavage.

He imagined his cum painted on her chest and had to close his eyes against the visual temptation. His cock had gone soft when Toby had intruded, but now his erection was back and throbbing.

If Jan noticed, she didn’t say anything.

Her suitcase clicked shut and her bare feet padded across the hardwood. “I hope you’ll come.”

Oh, he was going to come, all right.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Okay.”

The door opened, then shut.

He opened his eyes and walked straight to the bathroom. Thinking could wait until he had some relief.

Janette thought that perhaps “five minutes” was a stretch on Toby’s part. She’d walked into the family room only to find him at the table eating a popsicle and Meg smearing thick sunblock on his freckled shoulders.

“I thought you were ready to go, little boy.”