On Tuesdays, They Played Mah Jongg (5 page)

Hannah asked, “I wonder where Doreen had to rush off to? She didn’t even say goodbye.”

Rona turned around, dried off her hands, and removed her apron. While she poured herself a cup of coffee to which she added only a dash of milk, she answered Hannah, “I think she ran off to see Barry.”

Florence also removed her apron and poured herself a cup of coffee, which she drank black. She corrected Rona, “Barry was last month. She is seeing Lawrence now.”

Surprised, Hannah asked, “Dr. Lawrence Eidleman?” And the three of them laughed as Rona and Florence seated themselves at the table.

“Isn’t he the proctologist?” Rona asked.

And again, Florence corrected her, “The plastic surgeon, but with Doreen’s mouth would it make a difference?”

Rona then chimed in with, “She’s got so much shit coming out of it that after he is through with her, he may change his practice.”

And again, they laughed.

~~~~~

“Now that I am telling you this, I realize that when I was 22, I wrote some awful dialogue,” Michael said. “It is hard to believe I actually wrote this drek.”

“I am not here to criticize the story, Michael,” the doctor said.

“There is something else, Doc,” Michael continued. “What I never quite understood about my mother and her friends was how they could sit around and talk about each other in the worst possible way. But God help the one outside their circle who said anything about them. I asked her about this once, and her response was, ‘You don’t think they are in their own homes talking about me?’ It was hardly a justification, but I learned to rationalize it as their way of acting like sisters. I was an only child, but I guess if I had a sibling, I would probably do the same thing, yet defend my brother or sister from anyone else who said anything about them.”

~~~~~

Florence wanted to know what Doreen was saying about Bart Shimmer, and Rona told her that Doreen said that every time Bart was around her, he made a pass at her.

“What a
bumukah
! She thinks that if someone calls her a tramp, he’s making a pass at her,” Florence said.

“If that were the case, she would be in bed with every guy in town,” Hannah added as she pulled an Eve cigarette from her pack and lit it.

“Isn’t she?” Rona asked while retrieving a More cigarette from her own pack.

People believed the Weiners stayed married because no one else would have them although their marriage was a financial arrangement. In the 1960s, they would go to swinger parties, where couples would throw their house keys into the middle of the room and then have sex with whoever picked up their keys, or they would just have an orgy right there in the den.

Arlene and William Feld’s marriage was no better, but they got along all right as long as she stayed out of his pockets.

“Bart and I were married for 15 years,” Hannah said.

Florence said, “You deserve a medal.”

“The Angel of Death gave her one!” Rona said.

Usually taken aback by Rona’s bluntness, Florence said, “You could have waited until the day after the funeral to make one of your sick comments, Rona.” Then she asked Hannah, “Are you going to sit
shiva
?”

Not knowing when to stop, Rona said, “Weren’t you listening, Florence? She has been sitting
shiva
for almost 15 years!”

“Rona!” Florence yelled.

And Hannah said, “She’s right.”

“Hannah!” Florence yelled.

Rona then said, “Florence, darling, when one of your beloved ex-yutzes ... excuse me, husbands dies, are you going to sit
shiva
, cover the mirrors in your house, and go without makeup for 30 days?”

Florence did not hesitate to answer, “Hell no! I wouldn’t go without makeup for 30 minutes. Besides, Hannah is fortunate, her husband died … oh, wait a minute; that did not come out right.”

Hannah had actually considered divorcing Bart, but for some reason she was worried about the stigma of being a divorcee as her life was usually about what other people thought.

Florence, who also did not know when to stop, continued, “But Hannah, you were lucky with Adam. In the six years that it took you to realize that the marriage was a mistake, that runaway golf cart killed him ... what a stroke of luck.”

Rona rolled her eyes, and Florence said to her, “You started it.”

At that point Hannah said one of the most poignant things she ever said, and she was not known for making poignant statements. “Do you know that we spend half of our time trying figure out what to do with the time that we rushed through life trying to save.”

“Wow,” Florence said.

“Do you know who said that?” Hannah asked.

“No,” Florence answered.

“Will Rogers,” Hannah told her.

Rona took a sip of her coffee and said, “Growing old sucks!”

“Who said that?” Florence asked Rona.

“Rona Sapperstein,” she answered.

Florence rolled her eyes and then asked Hannah, “Well, what are you going to do now?”

Rona took a drag off her cigarette and asked, “What Florence is trying to say is are you going to look for a third victim and see if it is possible to kill ... uh ... outlive three husbands in one lifetime?”

Hannah then responded, “As my mother,
a va sholom
, used to say ‘Never a second without a third!’”

Florence looked at Hannah, then at Rona, and then back at Hannah and said, “Just make sure that the next one plays golf. I mean just in case things don’t work out.”

4

Doreen Weiner’s den was decorated in a nostalgic tone with old movie photographs on the walls and a player piano by the door. There were four sectional black sofas that looked as if they were lifted right off the set of a 1950s sitcom, and in one corner of the room, under a yellow swag lamp was a gray Formica card table with black legs and matching chairs with the seats padded in yellow vinyl. On the table was a Mah Jongg set, and from the position of the tiles and trays, it was evident that a game had just been won.

The room was empty until Doreen entered carrying a plate of food in one hand and a glass of iced tea in the other. Right behind her was Rona who was also carrying a plate of food and a glass of iced tea.

Doreen sat down on one of the black sofas and said, “Oh, I miss Bart.”

Rona sat down next to her and responded, “Vaysmir, Doreen. Nobody is buying that ‘I miss Bart crap’ anymore.”

“But I do,” Doreen protested. “I miss his rude and snide remarks, and I especially miss the way he used to suck his teeth after he ate.”

“Especially after he took them out,” Rona retorted, and they both laughed.

Just then, Arlene Feld walked into the room carrying a plate that was piled high with food. Hannah was right behind Arlene, but she had only a celery stalk in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.

~~~~~

I am convinced my mother was an anorexic before they had a name for it because she survived on a steady diet of Fresca, cheese crackers and Dexatrim.

~~~~~

As Arlene sat down on the other black sofa, Hannah asked her, “Is Feld’s Department Store carrying that new cream that is supposed to take ten years off of your face?”

Arlene answered, “Yes, but I wouldn’t waste my money if I were you. I thought that I would try it, but it takes a whole bottle to take off one year, and at $62 a shot, it would take $620 to get us back to middle age.”

Florence entered the room also carrying a plate piled high with food, and overhearing Arlene’s answer, said, “I thought we
were
middle aged?”

Rona said, “Florence, darling, how many 120-year-old people do you know?”

“Speak for yourself, Rona,” Doreen said, “I happen to be 47.”

“Decades,” Rona quickly replied and continued, “Doreen apparently was a fetal bride.”

“I hear that Doreen was engaged at conception and married at birth,” Hannah added.

Arlene, bringing down the room, said “I hate growing old.”

Agreeing with her, Florence said, “Every morning, I have to get up earlier and earlier to put on enough makeup to cover up the aging that has occurred the night before. At the rate I am going, by next month, I won’t even bother going to bed.”

The girls, except for Arlene, laughed at Florence, who just smiled.

“You know you are old when your gynecologist uses a dust mop,” Rona said.

Topping Rona, Doreen said, “You know you are old when the man you voted for president is old enough to be your ...”

“Brother!” Rona interrupted.

Not wanting to be left out, Hannah said, “You know you are old when instead of plucking the gray hairs, you start plucking the black ones. This is a depressing conversation. How did we get started on this?”

Florence answered, “You asked Arlene about that age cream.”

Rona wondered out loud, “Where have the years gone?”

And, Doreen said, “Who the hell knows.”

“I have been married twice, had a son,” Hannah said. “And, I still don’t feel as if I have accomplished anything.”

“Next month,” Arlene said, “William and I will have been married for 42 years — four decades of wedded ...”

“Boredom,” again, Rona interrupted, “Together, your William and my Morton have the total excitement of an age spot. Do any of you remember sex?”

Hannah said, “Barely.”

Arlene said, “Vaguely.”

Florence said, “Only under hypnosis.”

The girls looked at Florence, who shrugged her shoulders.

Rona then asked Doreen, “Doreen, what is sex like at this age?”

Doreen, who was sipping her iced tea, responded, “How in the hell should I know? Sammy and I haven’t done it in years.”

“With each other!” Rona said. “Come on, Doreen, you are among friends. How is it?”

Pausing, she finally answered, “Slow, very slow … and a lot of work. To tell you the truth, I would rather go to a buffet.”

Arlene, who was surprised at Rona’s earlier response, asked her, “Rona, don’t tell me that Morton has a dead putz?”

The girls looked at Arlene with shocked expressions.

Rona assured her, “That’s all right. I think the last time Morton got excited, he accidentally sat down on my curling iron, and his heart attack was no help either … Funny thing is he wouldn’t let me unplug it for 14 minutes.”

And, they all laughed at the thought of Morton with a curling iron up his
tuchus
.

5

Marriage is a funny thing unless of course you are married, and divorce among that generation was very rare. Of my mother’s friends, Florence was the only one who had been divorced. The rest lived by the rule, get married, have kids, become widowed, move to Florida. To understand the women, you have to know the men in their lives. On Tuesdays, while the women played Mah Jongg, three husbands, one gay lawyer, and a recently widowed newcomer played poker — this week in Morton Sapperstein’s den.

Sitting across from the entrance to Morton’s den was Sammy Weiner. Sammy was a tall, attractive man with dark hair that was slightly streaked with gray, and he reminded me of Danny Thomas. Going counter-clockwise around the table, the man sitting to Sammy’s right was Alvin Diamond. Alvin was also around six-foot-two, and he had brown hair and very large glasses with dark brown plastic frames that were accented with a gold design on the earpieces. He always reminded me of Charles Nelson Reilly, and he was gay. To Alvin’s right was William Feld. Like his wife, William was heavier than the others, and he was short and bald, too. With his back to the door was another tall man with broad shoulders and white hair who bore too much of a resemblance to Sid Caesar. This was Karl Stein, who recently moved to Newport News to retire. Every time Karl would discard, he would throw his card on the table thinking that was cool. He also had the fewest chips in front of him.

The man sitting between Karl and Sammy was Morton Sapperstein. Morton, whose wife was tall and slim was around five-foot-eight and also slim, but when Rona wore heels, he looked much shorter. Whereas Sammy always smiled, Morton always wore a sour expression on his face in what was pleasantly referred to as a
furbissina punim
, but Morton, as well as Sammy, were two of the most personable men in town, and everyone liked them both.

After folding his hand, Morton stood up from the table and announced, “Rona brought some sandwiches home from the deli today. If my luck keeps up like this, I am going to have to start charging for the food.” He then went to get the tray.

As he went into the kitchen, Sammy, yelled after him, “With your prices, we won’t be able to afford this game, Morton.”

William asked as he stood up from the table, “What does a corned beef sandwich go for at Sapperstein’s these days?”

Before Morton could answer, Sammy replied, “If you would take a crow bar and pry open that wallet of yours, you would know, William.”

Morton returned to the den, holding the tray of sandwiches. He walked over to Karl Stein, who was still seated at the table to offer him one and asked, “Tell me, Karl, what do you think of Newport News?”

As he took a sandwich, Karl replied, “Thank you. It is a nice place.”

William grabbed three sandwiches and asked Karl, “How long have you lived here?”

Karl said that he had lived there a month and that he was recently widowed. Morton then asked what he did for a living.

Karl then replied to all of them, “What is this, a Mah Jongg game?”

Alvin, who had not said anything so far, replied, “They are just preparing you for their wives. Are you gay?”

Karl said he was not gay, and Alvin gave the others a look of disappointment. Karl then shared that he had been married twice. His first wife died early in his marriage, and his second wife died within the past two years. He decided to retire, sell his real estate business and move to Newport News, where he had spent time when he was in the Army during World War II.

All of the other men thought, “Who retires to Newport News?”

Although he was disappointed to hear that Karl was straight, Alvin’s eyes lit up when he heard retired from a real estate business, and he told Karl, “I am a divorce lawyer, first consultation is free. I work on a percentage basis.” Then he handed him his card.