On Wings of Love (9 page)

How had he allowed himself to become so selfish? Bile rose in his throat. He used to care. He had a reason to care.

“May I pet your dog?”

Noah angled his head to stare down at a small, solemn girl. Her long dark hair had been pulled to the sides in pigtails and tied with matching purple ribbons. Her big blue eyes gazed up at him in a disconcerting way before the girl’s attention swiveled to the tall brunette woman with the stylish short hair wearing scrubs that approached to his left. The girl’s face broke into a smile. “Mama, you’re here.”

“Of course, pumpkin. I snuck away for a few minutes to join in the fun.” The woman got on her knees and hugged her daughter before holding her at arm’s length. Then she straightened one of the ribbons and adjusted her hair. “How are you feeling today?”

“A little sleepy, but okay. I want to pet the dog though. Am I allowed?” The girl turned back to Noah. “Please?”

“I don’t see why not as long as it’s okay with his owner.”

The girl’s paleness contrasted with the woman’s lightly tanned skin. He also realized the carefully tended hair bound in pigtails was really a wig. Where was the child’s hair? No child should have to go through this. Noah’s heart continued to ache. He’d always known there were sick children in the world, but outside of Jeremy’s accident, he’d never had any experience with them. He’d always thought of them as nothing more than a face in a photograph. A flat image instead of a living, breathing person. Standing in this little girl’s presence gnawed at his selfishness.

Noah squatted like Ruth had done with the other children so he could be at eye level with the child. “Of course. Better yet, would you like to hold Houston?”

The girl nodded and held out her skinny arms. Her solemn expression disappeared again with a lick from Houston. Her giggles filled the cramped space between them. “Houston, you’re cute. Mama, can we get a dog when I get better?”

Noah stood again and watched the interaction between mother and child with interest. The uncertainty unnerved him. So did the woman’s obvious pain.

“Of course, pumpkin. When you get better. I’m Dr. Kennedy.” The woman held out her hand. “That’s my daughter, Kendall.”

“Noah Barton. Pleased to meet you. And Houston, of course.” Noah wondered what type of medicine she practiced.

“He’s such a cute dog. I haven’t seen my daughter react so positively in a while. Thanks for bringing him today.” Dr. Kennedy’s eyes misted, contradicting the strong woman he sensed she portrayed to the world.

“It wasn’t my idea. It was Ruth’s.” Noah almost put his arm around Ruth’s waist when she joined them. He stopped just in time. They weren’t a couple. Far from it. Because that would mean he’d have to care again. Put his heart out there. He just wasn’t ready. But the whole “friends” thing wasn’t working right now.

“Hi, Adrienne. It’s good to see you again. I just wish it wasn’t under these circumstances.” Ruth hugged the taller woman.

“Hi, Ruth. I know. This remission was shorter than the last. I’m at my wit’s end.”

“I’ll be there for you. Just let me know what I can do.”

“The dog was a start. Thanks. She’s happier than I’ve seen her since the new diagnosis. I just wish I had the time and energy to adopt one for home.” A frown crested the doctor’s forehead as she glanced at her watch. “I’ve only
got a few more minutes left. I’d like to spend them with Kendall, if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all.”

After the doctor joined her daughter, and Houston was passed around between the children, Noah thrust his hands through his hair. God had obviously forsaken and abandoned these kids, too, by allowing the sickness and death. He didn’t care about them any more than He’d cared about Jeremy. Heaviness descended.

Noah’s fingers itched to caress Houston’s fur and feel his warmth, yet he couldn’t rip his dog from the arms of the children who obviously needed him.

“I really want to thank you for coming today. The kids are all in love with Houston. He’s really made their day.” Ruth stopped speaking. Her brow furrowed and concern flashed in her expressive green eyes. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. This must be too hard for you. Let me grab Houston so you can leave.”

“And miss the cake and presents? I’m fine. Really. What’s wrong with Kendall?” But Noah wasn’t fine. Far from it.

“Leukemia. What upsets Adrienne the most is she’s a pediatric doctor, yet she can’t help her own child.”

Noah’s lips pursed. He knew the feeling. The helplessness. The hopelessness. He’d stood vigil over his son’s hospital bed for two days. He’d prayed, he begged, he’d even threatened the Lord, but his son had been taken from him anyway. His fingers curled. He would not wish that on any one of the parents or grandparents in this room. “Can’t they do a bone marrow transplant?”

Ruth placed a hand on his arm. Even the warmth of her skin couldn’t chase away the cold seeping into his pores. “They haven’t found a match yet. And the chemo doesn’t look like it’s helping this time around, either.”

“What about the rest of them?”

“Our birthday girl, Marissa, is waiting for a heart. Every day she’s with us remains a blessing. Carlos, the little Hispanic boy by the bookshelves with the curly brown hair, has an autoimmune disorder. Jacob is recovering from another round of skin grafts, and the girl holding Houston right now, Gabby, is waiting for a kidney.”

Cancer? Burn victims? Transplants? Noah cringed. Especially at his last thought. Some of these patients and Hannah faced the same issue. How could God turn His back on his office manager and these innocent children?

The sound of laughter and barking erupted in the room as a staff member dressed as a clown wearing big blue shoes stumbled into the play area with a large bunch of multicolored balloons. The person underneath the silly costume honked a long bicycle horn, which made Houston growl and bark even louder, much to the delight of the children.

Noah’s neighbor waved at him when their gazes met. He waved back. “What about the woman with the child in her arms in the rocking chair?”

“Mrs. Murphy’s granddaughter has AIDS. Her mother was a drug-addicted prostitute who’s serving time in prison right now.”

The emotion in Ruth’s voice and in her expression made his stomach churn. Sweat formed across his brow and under his arms. Breathing became difficult. He should get out of here, but his feet stayed planted to the carpet, almost as if they’d attached themselves to the fiber.

Ruth must have sensed his distress again. She wound her arm through his, her voice low and soothing. “This is too difficult for you. Please help yourself to a cup of coffee in the cafeteria. I’ll be down shortly.”

The shrill of Noah’s cell phone saved him from a response. He didn’t even really know why he was here anymore. Glad for the diversion, Noah flipped his phone open and answered. “Noah Barton speaking.”

After Ruth released her hold, Noah backed up so he could lean against the wall. He couldn’t shake the feelings inside him that she evoked. He should go, but he continued to watch her as he listened to the person from the alarm company on the other end of the line.

He shouldn’t stare.

His mother hadn’t raised him to be rude, but he couldn’t help himself. The more he learned about this woman, the more he wanted to throw the whole friendship thing out the window, and ask for more. “I’ll be right over to check things out. Thanks.” He flipped his phone shut.

“Ruth, the alarm is going off in my office. I need to go check it out.”

“Of course you do. Let me grab Houston for you.”

“No, wait.” One look at Houston belly-up on the floor, the center of attention with a group of children, and Noah knew his dog wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. Desolation washed over him. He and Houston rarely spent time apart. They were a team. Noah finally understood now that he’d used Houston as a security blanket to keep his loneliness at bay, and that wasn’t helping either one of them.

“Houston can stay if you don’t mind watching him. I’ll be back in a bit.” Before he left, Noah reached in his pocket and retrieved a quarter. Then he walked over and squatted in front of the birthday girl and pretended to pull it out from behind her right ear. He placed it in her hand. “Happy birthday, Marissa.”

The little girl squealed and bounced around like Jeremy used to.

Pain wrapped around his heart. He’d forgotten how soft and funny children could be. Noah squeezed his eyes closed to shut out the image, but Jeremy’s features superimposed themselves on Marissa’s face. His fingers curled into tight fists. When would all the grief and the guilt go away? When would his life start to mean something again? When would he forget that the woman he wanted to consider more than a friend also served as a constant reminder to what he’d lost?

After the cake and presents and with Houston still the hit of the party, Ruth felt comfortable enough to leave him with the children for a few minutes so she could grab a cup of coffee. On her way back from the staff vending machine, she found her good friend Samantha Riedle at the nurses’ station with her own cup of coffee.

Marissa and her mother walked down the hall toward the play area again after a quick visit to her hospital room, the little girl dressed in a new fairy costume and carrying her new doll with the matching outfit that had been Ruth’s present. Her plastic heels clicked on the tile floor as her laughter filled the silence.

“Look, Miss Samantha. Isn’t Miss Ruth the best?” Marissa twirled around in a swirl of pink, purple and blue fabric.

“She sure is, sweetheart.” Samantha dropped a packet of the blue sweetener into her cup. “Don’t ever forget it. Either of you.”

Marissa’s crown slipped, but Ruth reset it upon the little girl’s head before she pranced down the hall, her mother in tow. Then Ruth’s gaze skimmed across the empty space in front of the elevator. Even though she’d seen Noah leave,
she could still feel his presence inside the hospital. Leaning against the chest-high counter, she couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or not as she propped her chin on a fisted palm.

She liked him—no, more than liked him. She loved him more than a friend should.

Her friend blew on the black beverage and eyed Ruth over the rim of her “Have A Heart” mug. “So who’s the man?” Samantha reached out and placed her hand on Ruth’s forearm.

Ruth lifted her head, clutched the edge of the nurse’s station counter and stared at her cup.

“A friend. Noah Barton. He’s one of the pilots for that new company AeroFlight contracted with.” Ruth whispered.

“Just a friend? Right. Does he make you happy?”

“I don’t know. He makes me feel a lot of things since David—”

“Don’t even think of bringing that old boyfriend of yours into this. Sometimes I think you use David as an excuse to keep from getting involved with someone else. You’re attracted to him. I can see it in your eyes. So what’s up?”

“Noah’s uncomfortable with my beliefs, he doesn’t like my job, and…” She breathed in what was supposed to be a calming breath, yet the oxygen filling her lungs did little to soothe the butterflies.

“And what? He doesn’t like kids? He’s married?” Samantha traced the red heart on the cup.

The clock on the opposite wall ticked off the seconds. The gnawing in her stomach intensified. Noah had done a great job with the kids under the circumstances until the end when she’d sensed his need to escape. His visit today
meant that maybe—just maybe—he was starting to come around to them. To her job. But that wasn’t what made her so unsure. Noah’s expression at the cemetery still haunted her. “He’s still in love with his dead wife. I can’t compete with that.”

“I
still say dinner isn’t necessary.” Noah held open the restaurant’s door twenty minutes after dropping Houston off at his condo.

“And I say it is,” Ruth replied as she stepped through the threshold. “Think of it as a thank-you for making the kids so happy. Nothing more.”

He didn’t know why he even agreed to come. Was it an unconscious ulterior motive to try to make his life seem more normal? Or did he really want a conversation with someone who could actually speak something other than canine? At least he’d had the presence of mind to suggest here instead of the hospital cafeteria.

He stopped short of running into her when she turned to face him. All resistance fled as her expressive green eyes looked up at him and her voice softened to a whisper. “Both you and Houston did a wonderful job with the children today. I really appreciate that and so did the staff and parents.”

“It was nothing.” Noah wanted to say more as they squeezed together on a bench in a spot meant for one
while waiting for a table, but his lips refused to form any coherent words. He eyed the fire marshall’s occupancy sign hung near the cash register. Manny’s Diner had pretty much exceeded that limit, but that wasn’t what made him squirm.

“Hi, Noah.” A harried server scrambled by with her arms full of dirty dishes. “Sorry for the wait. They crawled out of the woodwork today.”

“No problem, Lourdes. Glad to see business is good.” He didn’t miss the petite Hispanic woman’s glance at Ruth or the server’s raised eyebrows and devious grin. It scared Noah. He was afraid to let go and fall in love again. What if he lost her, too?

Unable to see more than the crown of Ruth’s blond head and the way her fingers had curled around the top of her tan purse, his gaze skimmed the donkey pulling the cart painted on the white wall opposite them. Then it slipped past the silk plants stationed in the corners and over the colorful tiled tables and leather chairs filled with customers. Eventually it wandered back to the woman next to him. He was getting used to this sense of companionship.

“Come here often?” Ruth’s throaty voice hinted of amusement at the corny pickup line when she caught his attention on her.

“As often as I can. Cooking for one has never appealed to me.”

“I know the feeling. It must be pretty good to still have a wait at three-fifteen in the afternoon.”

The couple beside them vacated the bench, and Ruth slid over, as if glad to have some breathing room. Her action relieved and disappointed him, though he could now settle back and set his foot over his knee.

“It is. Especially the sampler platter, which is what I
suggest.” He stretched his arm across the back of the bench. With a slight adjustment, he could wrap it around her shoulder as if they were a couple.

Which they weren’t. They were just friends. If his head managed to convince his heart.

“Noah, your table is ready.” The hostess, Maria, grabbed some menus before she led them into the interior of the restaurant.

Noah stood, helped Ruth to her feet and escorted her into the dining area. He refused to be affected by her soft skin. It was easier for his brain to issue the command then for his body to obey it. Her fragrance engulfed him again. An intangible emotion grabbed his heart and refused to let go. He cared.

“Here you go.” Maria set the menus on a cozy table near the back.

“You can let go now.” Ruth’s breathless voice held him spellbound.

“Right.” Grudgingly, Noah released her, noting the rapid pulse beating at the base of her neck and the slow flush that crept in and bloomed in her cheeks. Did all blondes blush so easily or simply the one holding his interest a little bit more than his comfort zone allowed?

He held out the chair for Ruth before he took his own seat across from her. “Duncher,” the combination between lunch and dinner as Jeremy used to call it, had been a bad idea. But he needed to talk to her about Hannah. He’d just have to put his emotions aside. But with those feelings cut off for more than three years, starting the conversation about his office manager was like trying to get an infant to fly a plane.

Once she regained her equilibrium, Ruth liked the quaint Mexican restaurant. Fresh cut flowers on the
colorful tiled tables put her at ease, despite the crowd. So did the murals on the walls depicting rural Mexican life. She eyed the basket of chips and salsa after the busboy dropped them off. The aroma made her stomach growl. Despite the cake and ice cream at the hospital, she was hungry.

“Hi, Noah. The usual?” The waitress who had spoken to them earlier flipped open her order pad.

“Yes. And an order of nachos. That should take care of both of us.” Noah handed the menus back to Lourdes, but his attention strayed to Ruth. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all.” Ruth broke the chip and wedged the bigger piece of it into her mouth. Noah’s subdued mood bothered her. She’d made a mistake in inviting him to Marissa’s birthday party. In her quest to make the hospital a happier place for the kids, she hadn’t thought of what it would do to Noah. Especially since he’d lost his son at such a young age. Her fingers strangled the cloth napkin in her lap. “So what
is
the usual?”

“A sampler platter of different food.”

“Oh, that sounds great. Thanks for ordering.” She exhaled slowly, appreciating that she didn’t have to decipher the menu. “So have you lived in the valley all your life?” She finally asked, trying to start the conversation and find out what really bothered him and why he’d come by her house today.

“Long enough.”

More silence surrounded them until the customers at the table next to them left in a flurry of activity. Ruth broke apart another chip and placed it in her mouth. The slightly greasy, salty corn chip delighted her taste buds, but getting Noah to talk proved a bigger challenge than making sure her older brother remembered their parents’ anniversary.

She tried to reach out to Noah again.

“So I take it you’re from somewhere else, like a lot of the people here.” She ran her finger along the condensation on the water glass and tilted her gaze at him.

“I grew up in Chicago.” His long, lean fingers stiffened around his coffee cup. “We moved here when I was flying for Southern Skies Airlines.”

Ruth knew enough about body language to know that talking about his former job was part of the source of his problem. Were his wife and son killed in an airplane crash? Or did their deaths occur while Noah was flying? Attuned to his distress, she reached across the brightly tiled table to place her hand on his and changed the subject. “We were practically neighbors then. I grew up outside of Milwaukee. Do you miss the Midwest?”

He eyed her hand yet didn’t pull away. His other hand crept over hers. “Not really, though I do miss a white Christmas every once in a while.”

Ruth smiled, liking the feel of his touch. “I know what you mean. Snow on Christmas seemed like a prerequisite in our house. My mom used to send all of us outside to build the biggest snowman ever to keep us from underfoot while she prepared the family feast. My oldest brother was notorious for helping himself to the main course before it made it to the table. The first few years here were hard, but I’m used to it now. Especially when I hear about a blizzard up there. I can’t take the cold anymore.”

“Likewise. If I’m not flying somewhere on the holidays, I’m out on my ATV.”

“That sounds like fun.”
I hope you wear a helmet.
Pulling her hand from his to give the waitress room to put their appetizers down along with two empty plates, she frowned. She’d seen too many casualties from motorcy
clists and ATV enthusiasts who didn’t wear helmets. Several of them became organ donors.

“It is. You should try it with me sometime. I have an extra helmet.” He gazed at her, the question in his eyes mingled with caution before he turned his attention to the woman standing next to the table. “Thanks.”

“And here’s your extra hot sauce.” She placed a white bowl on the table with a dark red puree in it. “Do you need anything else?”

They both shook their heads.

“Enjoy. I’ll check back a little later.” Then she disappeared back into the kitchen.

When Ruth settled herself in and bowed her head, she heard Noah shift in his chair. She sensed his discomfort, yet her lips moved in silence as she offered a prayer for her meal—and Noah.

Ruth eyed the pile of food in the middle of the table. The nachos covered with lots of melted cheese looked yummy. She should have asked what the sampler platter included. While she recognized the mini tacos, not much else looked familiar. There was no way she could eat all this food. She and Noah could have shared one appetizer and still had leftovers. Still staring at the plate, Ruth couldn’t figure out where to begin.

“Is there a problem?” Noah asked, reaching for the hot bowl of salsa.

“Not really, though if you could help identify what’s on the plate, it would be helpful.”

He raised his eyebrows. “You don’t eat Mexican food? I should have thought to ask. I’m sure they make some type of gringo food, even if it’s for kids.”

“I’m fine, Noah. I’m partial to Italian food, but I’m always eager to try new things.”

“Why didn’t you say so? There’s a great Italian restaurant not too far from here. Next time.”

Next time?
Hope sprang inside her heart.

Noah used his fork as a pointer. “Two shredded beef mini tacos, a pollo fundido, which is basically a chicken chimi with a cream sauce, a bean tostada, a cheese enchilada and two chicken taquitos.”

He pulled half of the fundido from the plate and served it to Ruth before he took the other half and one of the tacos. His thoughtfulness made her squirm. So used to helping other people, this whole thing about Noah waiting on her made him all the more attractive. She found herself liking the idea and him despite the alarms going off inside her brain.

“I guess you don’t want any of this hot sauce then?” Noah winked. His word touched on the amused side as he held up the bowl of red puree.

“No, thanks. I like my food on the milder side.”

“Maybe we could change that, because sometimes a little spice can add a new dimension.” Noah poured the hot salsa all over his food.

“Or cause heartburn.” Ruth grinned and felt a different heat burn her cheeks.

She took a few bites of her chicken and let the flavors burst across her tongue. “This isn’t too bad. I must have carried out from the wrong restaurants when I moved to Tucson.”

“What made you move there from Milwaukee?” Noah asked before he bit into his mini taco.

“I attended the nursing school at the University of Arizona.”

“That’s a long way from home. Why? There’s got to be other schools a lot closer.”

Ruth remained silent for a moment. “I followed someone. Things didn’t work out, but I stayed, anyway.”

Digging her fork into the small pile of refried beans that Noah had also put on her plate, she twisted the utensil around. She’d met her first serious boyfriend at a church camp in Texas. He had attended U of A so Ruth had decided she needed to also. Having led a pretty sheltered life, her limited experience hadn’t prepared her for his lies or his lack of true faith. And then there was the commitment-shy David. Her track record with men wasn’t impressive. She glanced up at an intent Noah staring at her. Was her heart leading her down another path of disaster?

“I’m sorry to hear that, but glad that you’re here.” Noah sounded like he meant it, but she couldn’t be sure.

“It’s okay. I’m over it.” But she wasn’t. Not really. Her track record clouded her perception of men and made her wary. Made her unavailable. Made her hide behind her job, the kids at the hospital and pints of Ben & Jerry’s because fairy tales didn’t exist.

Ruth shrugged off her disappointment over some of the curveballs God had thrown at her. The old, familiar phrase echoed in her mind.
The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.
He’d protected her then and would continue to do so, whatever He had in mind for her.

Noah dropped a cheese-covered chip when he went to place some nachos on her plate. His fingers accidentally brushed hers when they both tried to retrieve the wayward food, but instead of grabbing the chip, he held on to her hand, looking a tad bit uncomfortable. “Ruth, are you seeing someone?”

She stilled as more hope blossomed inside. “No. Not at the moment.”

Ruth held her breath.

“Good. Me, either. So neither one of us needs to worry
about someone getting jealous because we ate together. As friends.”

And for a brief moment, Ruth had thought he might be interested in her as she exhaled her disappointment. But then she thought of his late wife and how he couldn’t let go; she knew otherwise. Still, regret curbed her hunger, and the mouthful of food she just swallowed tasted like a cotton swab. “No. You don’t have to worry about that on my end.” She quickly changed the subject. “So what about you? Where did you go to school?”

“Northern Illinois University in DeKalb.” Noah dabbed the paper napkin to his lips. “I didn’t stray too far from home until after college. But at least as a pilot, I could visit almost any time I wanted to since my route was primarily the Midwest. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like or where’d I’d be if I’d attended school somewhere else.”

“I know what you mean.” Ruth took another bite of chicken and mulled over Noah’s words. Even though God was in control, she believed He sometimes let His children wander a bit before guiding them to their ultimate purpose.

“Now that I think about it, I’m actually surprised my overprotective parents let me leave the state.” A chill permeated her heated skin. Ruth tried to exorcise the helplessness she’d always experienced around her family by putting food into her mouth. She could get used to eating Mexican food. Or maybe it was the company.

“Overprotective? Why is that?”

“Because my twin sister died when we were eight. My parents were afraid I would, too.” Which was why she’d attended school as far away from home as possible. And why she had such limited experience with men and had a bad feeling she was making another mistake.