Once Broken (7 page)

Jackie blinked back tears. “Oh it’s nothing, really. It’s so good seeing you. Let’s go to lunch. How about Chinese food? I have a craving!” She rolled her eyes upon hearing her own words.

“Sure, that’s fine,” he agreed as he retrieved his knapsack and they headed toward the exit. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yup. We need to talk but we will at lunch.”

“Okay. But you’re a shoot-from-the-hip, gut-honest kind of girl. You got something to say, you say it. So, what’s the mystery?” Trying to lighten the mood, he asked, “Are you having a party for me or something?”

“No, no party. Well of course, everyone from The Stockyard wants to meet you down at Sammy White’s tonight.”

Sammy White’s—Tony!
She’d nearly forgotten. The last thing she needed right now was to run into Tony Salvucci. “Except, I … I can’t make it tonight. I’m still boycotting the place.”

“Does that idiot still go there?”

“I’ve been told he’s been sighted. And I don’t need any more trouble.”

“Any
more
trouble? Are you in trouble?”

“Uh… no, no trouble. We’ll talk at the restaurant. Tell me about boot camp.”

David filled in the details of life as a recruit. Pulling into China Sails’ parking lot, Jackie turned to David. “Did I forget to tell you how nice it is to see you? Welcome home.” She reached over to kiss his cheek.

He grabbed her and kissed her lips. “Jackie, I missed you more than I’ve missed anyone!”

“I missed you too. But I don’t know what I want. That kiss was
…
uh
…
”

“You complimentin’ my kissin’ ability?”

“Yeah, but
—
”

“But you’re gonna tell me to screw. That’s it, huh?”

“No. That’s not it. Let’s go in. I’m starving.”

“Okay, but as soon as we’re in there, I want to hear what’s up with you, especially if it concerns me.”

*

The waiter brought tea. “Buffet today?”

“Yes, please,” Jackie responded.

“Okay, help yourself. Take your time,” the waiter said.

David’s voice was serious. “Before we step foot near that buffet, tell me what’s going on.”

“Oh David, I don’t know how to say this.” She took a nervous drag of her cigarette. “I’ve been rehearsing for a month, but I still don’t know the words to use.” David opened his mouth to speak. She raised her hand to stop him. “Wait! I have to say it.” She swallowed hard and said, “I’m pregnant with your baby.”

His mouth dropped.

“Wow, I feel better! Do you have any idea how hard that was to say?”

David sat motionless.

“Hey Dave, are you okay? I know it’s tough news. I’m sorry.”

He took a deep breath and leaned back in the booth, staring at Jackie. Nervousness made her all the more ravenous. She eased her way out of the booth. “I’ll give you a few minutes. I’m famished!”

David had no response.

At the buffet, she loaded mountains of Chinese food on her plate and topped it off with two egg rolls. Concerned about David’s lack of reaction, her mind spun imagining what he might say. She had never seen David speechless.

When Jackie returned to the table, David had recovered some animation. “You wouldn’t joke about such a thing, right?”

“God, no!” She took the first bite of an eggroll.

“Well, your plate tells me you’re eating for two.” David stubbed out the cigarette butt. “You can’t possibly eat that much. Wow! During all of boot camp, I never thought I’d come home to this.”

With one cheek bulging, she asked, “Are you mad?” Her blazing eyes warned him that he better not be.

“No, I’m shocked as hell, but not mad. Jackie, what the hell do we do now? Seriously, you’re nineteen. I’m twenty. You live at home. I’m about to transfer to Chanute. Together we don’t have a dime. What the
hell
?”

“David, I have an advantage here. I’ve been over each option a million times.” She gulped. “And each option stinks!”

“Yeah, but we have to choose one, like it or not. Jesus! How did this happen? Hell, we only did it once. And you were a—”

“Virgin, I know. I’ve been over that too.” Jackie put her fork down and looked into David’s hazel eyes. “I made an abortion appointment for the end of the week. I feel so guilty. But I can’t see a better solution.”

“Jackie, I love you. But I have career plans in the service. I’m not ready for a wife and a kid.”

“Hey, I didn’t ask you to marry me. David, I’ll love you forever but I don’t want to marry you either. And I can’t imagine being anyone’s mother right now either. It’s a nightmare!” She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

“Are you afraid of having an abortion?”

“Hell, yes,” she said. “But I don’t see another choice. I guess all I have to do now is show up for the appointment.” As if speaking only to herself, she added, “And live with the repercussions.” She wiped her mouth with a napkin and hesitated. “Do you believe it’s murder?”

“Nah, how could it be?”

How could it not be?

*

They kept the appointment at the abortion clinic. It was a desperate time when desperate people do desperate things. In silence and closeness, they entered. In tears, they left.

*

The force of Jackie’s decision struck her soon after. Barricading herself from the world, she slipped into a depression with suicidal thoughts. For the next few months she worked with Barbara to process the heart-wrenching regret that consumed her. Unable to change the past, Jackie grew to accept having been in a desperate position that warranted making a terrible decision. She swore it would never happen again.

Jackie craved a new life. She chose to major in communications and immersed herself in her studies. David started a new life too. Having grown accustomed to life in the service and without Jackie, letters became infrequent. Jackie enjoyed the distance. Perhaps if she forgot David, she might forget the baby they almost had.

January 1976

A
year passed. Jackie was finishing up her work with Barbara. She had done a lot of grief work in sessions, in her journal, and in many visits to her father’s grave. As Barbara explained, “People think it’s strange when woman who was beaten as a child ends up in abusive relationships. Common sense would dictate that she’d steer clear of abusive men. People carry those unresolved issues. That little girl wants her father to love her and not beat her. So, she keeps falling for the same men hoping to get a different ending. Your issue is abandonment. Emotionally unavailable men give you a chance to change the ending each time you try to get them to respond and stay. The little girl inside you is still hoping that finally your daddy will come home and ‘end this nightmare,’ using your own words.”

Bringing her emotional motivation into her consciousness was illuminating and life-changing. After thirteen years she finally grieved her father’s death from the bottom of her aching heart. It was a wound that would never entirely heal, but at least the healing had begun.

*

As Jackie drove to college in early March, during her final semester, images of Tony popped into her mind. Stunned by the flashback, she laughed to herself.
He must be married with kids by now
. For the remainder of the week, as hard as she resisted, memories of Tony flooded her mind like Bay of Fundy tides. The following week, she swore she spotted him at the end of a supermarket aisle. She shook off that false alarm. Over the weekend she found herself telling the Tony Salvucci tale to anyone who listened. Observing her renewed obsession, she grew concerned and annoyed.

Over cocktails with Tara, she explained in total frustration, “It’s been more than two years since I’ve seen him. For the past year or so, I’ve barely thought of him. Suddenly, I can’t get him off my mind. It’s insane!”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear this. You were doing so well.” Tara sipped her wine. “Jackie, can’t you think of something else whenever he enters your mind?”

“I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. It’s like the universe is conspiring against me. Songs that remind me of him play on the radio. I could swear I see him here and there. He’s hanging in my mind like Gazoo on the Flintstones. I want to go to Sammy White’s so badly!” She laughed. “Can you imagine? He can’t be hanging out there anymore. I realized the other day he’s probably married with kids by now. It’s all so silly. I’m sure it’ll pass. If it doesn’t, I’ll go see Barbara again,” she said, only half joking.

*

While writing a research paper the following week, Jackie opened an encyclopedia and a dried rose dropped out. Picking it up, memories of the night at the drive-in with Tony inundated her mind
. Wow, that was two years ago. It feels like yesterday.
She shook her head.
How ridiculous. It was a lifetime ago!
Turning to toss the flower in the trash, she reconsidered. After finding the information she needed, she returned the rose to its place in the encyclopedia.

*

As Jackie hoisted school books onto the entry table in the hallway, Lucille called from the kitchen. “Jackie, you got flowers. They’re on the dining room table.”

“What fun!” Jackie scurried into the dining room. She untied the large red ribbon and opened the white rectangular box, wondering who could be sending her flowers. There was a card tucked inside.

Dear Jackie,

It’s been a while, I know. But not so long that you’ve forgotten me, I hope. You’ve been on my mind lately. I miss your captivating smile. I miss your sweet laugh. I miss you, and would love to see you. Please let me know if you’re willing to meet me for a drink. If not, enjoy the roses and remember me fondly.

You can reach me at 555-5683.

Always,
Tony

Goose bumps covered Jackie’s body. She remembered Gazoo, the supermarket, the revived obsession, and the dried rose. Holding one of the roses to her nose, she closed her eyes. The fragrance stimulated her senses along with memories of Tony. Lucille came to stand next to her sipping a cup of coffee. “You got a new boyfriend?”

“Not exactly.” Jackie crinkled her nose.

Looking over her shoulder, Lucille read the card. “Oh … him? I assumed he was long gone. Or at least I hoped,” Lucille said with a note of disgust. “If you call him, you’re a fool. Ah, but I know you. You’ll do whatever you want to do. Don’t come cryin’ to me when he breaks your heart again.”

“Ma, I never come crying to you. Anyway, how can you be so sure he’ll break my heart again? Maybe he’s changed. Maybe I’ve changed. People
can
change, you know.” She took the roses into the kitchen to find a vase. Lucille followed, thinking about how Jackie had her dad’s self-assured optimism. He too always wanted to believe the best in people.

“A zebra doesn’t change his stripes. Tony checks in every so often to see if you’re still smitten so he can boost his ego.” Lucille waved her hand in dismissal. “Ah, you’ll do what you want. I don’t want you to be hurt again. Be careful.”

“Okay Ma, okay.” As she cut each rose stem, she considered how to respond.
Calling him gives him too much control. I’ll write.
She found his address in the phone book.

Dear Tony,

The roses are beautiful. You must be psychic. I’ve been thinking of you too. Honestly, I would love to see you again, but I’m hesitant. I’ve had a difficult time in the recent past and have come too far to go backward with you. I’m happy now, content for the first time in a long while. So, before I agree to meet you, please let me know what it is you want from me.

Sincerely,
Jackie

Within a few days, she received his response.

Dear Jackie,

You want to know my motives. Fair enough. I know I’ve made mistakes, and am so sorry for any pain I’ve caused you. It was never my intention.

My motives are simple. I’ve dated other women, but keep thinking of you. You’re the woman I can never forget. I want a chance to discover you and discover us. I can’t promise where it will lead, but I can promise, this time I won’t run.

I will understand if you decline. But I’m hoping instead you pick up the phone and call me. I promise you won’t regret it.

Sincerely,
Tony

Jackie responded with an invitation.

Tony,

Meet me halfway at
Sammy White’s
March 13, 1976
At 8:00
For a drink…
And discovery.

Jackie

Jackie hoped that through therapy and the passage of time she’d built up immunity to Tony. She shuddered at the possibility of heading down a path leading to the past. At the same time, she dreamed she would ride off into the sunset with Tony, directly from Sammy White’s.

*

At ten past eight Jackie hung up her coat in the lobby. She spotted Tony sitting on the barstool closest to the door. Standing to greet her, he stared at her as if to memorize her face.

He scanned her from head to toe. “Jackie, you look great!” He kissed her cheek and pulled out the barstool beside him for her. “I was thinking maybe you decided not to show. I’d have deserved that, you know.”

“Oh, I know.” Jackie offered a small smile.

“Well, thanks for showing up, sincerely.” He flagged the bartender. “What’s your pleasure?”

“A vodka gimlet, please,” she told the bartender. Placing her cigarettes on the bar she slipped one out to light. Tony struck a match. “Thanks. No cigarette for you?”

“No, I quit. I made a deal with my mother. She has asthma, so I said I’d quit if she would. It worked. It’s good being a nonsmoker.”

“What a good son. I have a love-hate relationship with them myself.” Tapping her cigarette on the ash tray, she changed the subject. “So, I’m curious. What made you send me flowers? Did the urge come out of the clear blue sky?”

“Oh no. Actually, it was pretty funny. I thought I saw you at the gas station one day. That started me thinking of you. Before I knew it I couldn’t get you off my mind. I kept telling myself it was crazy because you must be married with kids by now
—
”

Jackie, her eyes wide, interrupted. “I can’t believe you said that! You
really
thought I must be married with kids by now?”