Once Upon A Winter (19 page)

It wasn’t much of a surprise to find them asleep. They were still young enough for exhaustion to hit them like a hammer blow. What took Nell aback was finding them slumped together, Freya’s head resting protectively over Joshua’s. They had pulled a fleecy throw across themselves for warmth.

Nell switched off the TV, and collapsed into the armchair furthest from the Christmas tree, burying her head in her arms. Her shoulders heaved as the first wave of silent tears stung her cheeks with an almost corrosive ferocity. They tasted of salt and confusion
and despair; exactly as they had seven years ago.

As if some things - some vital things - had never changed.

Aunt
Em clattered into the kitchen through the back door. She was carrying a jumble of plastic boxes known as Supper-wear, or something like that. Behind her was Uncle Gareth, with a huge bulging Christmas stocking. Ivy and Rose pushed their way past with Truffle, laughing and gabbling about Santa bringing them new bikes. Truffle had a small new teddy bear in his mouth.

‘Nana Gwen!’ They all stopped, and gawped towards the kitchen table, where Joshua was sitting helping his great-grandmother prepare the Brussels sprouts.

‘What are you doing downstairs, already?’ said Aunt Em. ‘Gareth was going to help you with the stairs.’

‘It’s Christmas morning,’ announced Nana Gwen, as if nobody was aware of the fact. ‘Nellie helped me. I took it slowly. And now I’m down here, I can help pull my weight.’

Nana Gwen could hardly weigh anything, thought Joshua. She was just a bony, wispy thing, even in the smart, dark red wool dress she had put on especially for today.

‘But - but -’ Aunt
Em stammered at Nana Gwen, as Gareth shuffled past her, dragging the large stocking towards the hallway.

‘Where’s Freya?’ asked Ivy and Rose, as if they had rehearsed speaking as one person.

‘In her room, girls,’ said Mum faintly. ‘Go on up, if you like.’

Aunt
Em looked back at Mum, who was busy loading the dishwasher with the breakfast things. ‘Nell - are you all right? You look like you haven’t slept.’

‘I haven’t,’ said Mum, in a horrible flat tone. ‘I’ll be OK,’ she muttered, sounding as if she would be anything but.

She had got dressed eventually, but it was easy to see that she hadn’t bothered to put on any make-up. There were puffy shadows under her pink eyes, and her hair had simply been wrenched back into a wonky pony-tail.

‘Do you like my new watch, Aunt
Em?’ asked Joshua. ‘I got a telescope, too, but that’s in my room already.’

‘Er’ - his aunt drifted closer to the kitchen table to peek at the watch - ‘very nice, Josh.’

‘It’s kinetic. That means it works without a battery. My dad gave it to me.’

‘Lovely, Josh.’ Aunt
Em turned away, then looked straight back with a jerk. ‘What did you say?’

‘My dad gave it to me.’ Joshua looked up at his aunt. She had gone pale. ‘He was here last night. But he didn’t bump into Santa.’

‘What?’ Aunt Em blinked rapidly, and looked from Joshua to Mum, who had her back to them now.

‘I know,’ said Nana Gwen, with a smile like sunshine, ‘I hardly dared believe it myself when Joshua told me.’

‘Nell?’ Aunt Em strode over to the dishwasher. ‘Nell, what are they talking about?’

‘It’s true,’ Joshua heard his mother mutter. ‘Silas was here last night.’

‘But -’ Aunt Em opened and closed her mouth. ‘What do you mean?
How . .
. ?’

‘He just turned up,’ said Mum, and her shoulders began to wobble.

With a furrowed forehead, Aunt Em looked towards Joshua and Nana Gwen. ‘OK,’ she murmured, ‘Nell, you and I need to chat alone . . . Let’s go to Dad’s den . . .’

Her arm around Mum, Aunt
Em steered her out of the kitchen.

Joshua didn’t get a chance to see Mum’s face properly, but he guessed she was crying.

‘You know,’ he said to his great-nana, whose smile had faded a little, ‘I thought Mum would have been pleased to see Dad again. But it’s making her upset. And Freya isn’t glad, either. She says I don’t understand what it all means. But the way I see it, Mum was sad because Dad was gone, but she’s even more sad now that he’s back. That doesn’t fit.’

‘What it means, lad, is that forgiving comes as easily as breathing to you.’

‘Well, I’ve been thinking, Dad must have had a good reason to go away like he did. He left you his treasure chest to look after; he must have known he’d be coming back.’

‘Perhaps. But why he left in the first place might not be
for a reason your mother would understand.’

‘Do you reckon we’ll get to see inside that box soon?’

Nana Gwen’s pale blue eyes sparkled and reminded Joshua of a swimming pool. ‘I hope so, lad.’ She paused from peeling the sprouts to pat his hand.

Her knuckles looked like bare bones, but Joshua didn’t flinch. Instead, he beamed at
her, and then gazed down proudly at his smart new watch.

*

‘I don’t bloody believe this . . .’ Emma paced up and down in front of the desk. ‘The gall of the man . . . The complete -’

‘
Em . . . Em please.’ From the armchair where she sat, Nell put out a hand, as if her sister were a puppet, as if by some vain hope Nell could control her. ‘The children might hear you.’

‘But this is just surreal! Where’s he been all these years? Why is he back
now
?’

Nell closed her eyes
briefly. They felt as sore and swollen as they’d looked in the mirror an hour earlier. ‘For the children. He wants to get to know them.’

‘Oh, so he’s suddenly discovered his paternal side, after seven bloody years. You’re not seriously going along with this?’

‘I’m not sure it’s my choice, Em.’

Her sister glared down at her. ‘And what’s that supposed to mean? The last time I checked you were involved.’

‘You saw Josh. You heard him. He’s . . . happy about seeing his dad.’

‘And what about Freya?’

Nell hesitated. ‘Not so happy.’

‘Because she’s clued-up, Nell. She realises her dad can’t possibly be this great guy Joshua seems to want him to be. Not after what he did to you all.’

‘But how do I get around it? How can I crush Josh like that? And if . . . if I let him get close to Silas - what if he does it again?’

‘You mean, what if Silas walks out again? Well, I think that’s a given, don’t you? He isn’t going to stick around, let’s be honest here. I can’t believe he’s squatting in the cottage like that. And all the lies he’s spouted to people. I just wish I hadn’t been so busy, with Christmas and everything, when
Huw first came to me. I just fired off an email to Dad and then let Huw deal with the hiring.’

‘
Em, don’t blame yourself for any of this. Besides, Silas isn’t squatting. He’s working. It’s legitimate . . .’

Emma shook her head vehemently. ‘You’re too gullible, Nell. You always were. Wait till Dad hears about this. Silas will be out faster than -’

‘No!’ Nell jerkily pushed back a strand of hair from her face. ‘Dad can’t know. He already called first thing. The children were still asleep. I pretended everything was fine. If he knew what was really happening, he might cut short his trip, he might come home. We can handle this ourselves.
I
can handle it. No one else needs to know.’

‘You think Dad isn’t going to find out? That the children are going to keep this quiet? I wonder if Joshua’s even capable of keeping a secret.’

‘Well, we’ll cross that bridge,’ said Nell, rubbing a hand over her clammy brow. ‘But for now -’

‘And how come Nana’s looking so damned pleased today? Doesn’t she realise what’s happened?’ Emma seemed even more concerned, if that were possible. ‘She’s not losing it, is she? Her brain’s always been so sharp, so -’

‘It still is,’ Nell cut in, adding faintly, ‘but she always had a soft spot for Silas.’

‘Nana never defended him for leaving you like that.’

‘No, but she never condemned him, either. She never said a word. Not to me.’

‘But . . .’ A pensive frown crinkled Emma’s brow. ‘I can’t remember her opinion on it all. I don’t think she ever gave it . . . Of course, she was upset for you, but . . . You’re right. She didn’t react like the rest of us.’

Nell nodded. She hadn’t wanted to argue today with her grandmother, but it had been agony to watch Nana Gwen’s response when Joshua had blurted out the news earlier. As if both the child and the old woman had regained a long lost friend.

‘My greatest fear,
Em - the thing that’s got me the most wound-up and crazy - is Silas letting the kids down. What if he hurts them by being everything they want him to be, and then leaving again, without warning, without a word? I couldn’t cope with that. It would actually be worse than the last time. Joshua and Freya were too young to remember, but they wouldn’t be this time round. I don’t think I could take it . . .’

Emma stopped pacing, and swung round decisively, hands on her hips. ‘This has got to stop. Someone needs to end this before it goes any further.’

‘Emma?’ Nell looked up droopily, like a wilting flower. ‘Emma, where are you going?’

‘It isn’t going to be you, let’s face it. And now I know where to find him . . .’

‘No!’ Nell animated herself, and lurched to her feet. ‘You can’t . . .’

But Emma was fast, and still had her coat to hand, having tossed it over a chair when they’d entered the den. Nell, in her sorr
y state, couldn’t quite keep up; before she knew it, Emma had barked out orders at Gareth to keep the peace and slammed shut the back door after herself.

Freya was clinging to the banisters, swaying on the bottom step, her eyes impossibly wide. ‘Mum?’

Ivy and Rose hovered behind her.

A fazed-looking Gareth loomed in the doorway to the lounge. ‘Where’s
Em going?’ he asked, a trace of curiosity in his usually gruff voice.

‘It’s OK,’ muttered Nell, ‘not far. We’ll be back in a minute. I’ll go after her. You stay here.’

She grabbed a coat and her boots from the cupboard under the stairs, and tugged them on as she stumbled after her sister.

*

Crunching gravel underfoot, Nell called out to Emma. ‘Em, wait! Please. This isn’t your fight!’

As she reached the trees fringing the wide sweep of driveway, Emma deigned to turn round. ‘Then whose fight is it? You’re my sister, Nell. I love you and I love those kids. And I can’t stand aside and let you all get a battering from that man.’

The cold air rushed painfully into Nell’s lungs, like an almost solid mass. The exertion of simply rushing out after Emma had knocked the warmth out of her. She felt sick as she leaned against the nearest tree.

‘Emma, please, what are you even planning to say to him?’

‘That for everyone’s sake, it would be better if he just crawled back under whatever rock it was he came from.’

‘He said he hadn’t been abroad . . . He said there’d never been other women, or anything you all accused him of.’

‘Even worse if he’s been bumming around this country in plain sight. And as for the other stuff . . .’ Emma almost spat out the words in derision. ‘A man who looks like that would have had women throwing themselves at him, waving their knickers in the air. And you’re telling me he fought them all off? You’re such an innocent, Nell.’

‘I think he might have been in contact with Abe Golding these last few years. I think he might have had something to do with Abe helping us.’

Emma’s jaw dropped. ‘Geez . . . Nell, you’re doing it already. You’re falling for his crap.’

‘No.’ Nell shook her head wearily. ‘But it would explain a lot . . .’

‘It wouldn’t explain anything. Abe Golding is a kind, lonely, old man who never had any kids of his own. You were a surrogate, Nell. And that hamper he sent you the other day, for Christmas - you think Silas put him up to that?’

‘No . . . I don’t know . . . But he brought me this . . . Silas . . .  He left it under the tree, with gifts for the kids. There was a short note, explaining.’ Nell fumbled with the lapel of her coat, and then from behind her jumper gingerly pulled out a fine gold chain with a small pendant on the end: a solid gold dove.

‘Silas gave you that? And you’re
wearing
it?’ Emma took a step closer, her face grey with anxiety. ‘Nell -’

‘No.’ Nell shook her head again. ‘It was Abe’s. He asked Silas to give it to me. It belonged to Abe’s wife, Rebecca. I remember him showing it to me.’ Tears sprung to Nell’s eyes. ‘Abe wouldn’t have handed it over to Silas if he didn’t trust him.’

Emma paused. ‘Look . . . hon . . .Whatever connection Silas has with Abe Golding, that’s got nothing to do with what’s happening here and now. Silas has no
rights
, Nell. No rights to this family. He -’

‘I lied,’ said Nell, her chest constricting.

‘Lied? Lied about what?’

‘About something real
ly important.’ Her voice faltered.

‘What?’ Emma seemed almost fearful now.

‘I didn’t know where Silas was all these years, that bit’s true, but he wasn’t completely out of touch. He sent us money.’

Emma gaped again. ‘Sorry?’

‘Financial support, Em. It’s there in black and white, in my bank statements. And it wasn’t a pittance, either.’

‘And . . . you actually used this money?’

‘For the children. I never spent any of it on myself. And I’ve saved the rest, in their own accounts. They don’t know about it, of course. I’ve never told anyone.’

‘But -
why
? Why didn’t you say anything, Nell?’