One Foot in the Grove (33 page)

“Trade what?” asked Judi.

“As an act of good faith, I'll tell you a secret about Tony the Baker up in Boston, a real easy way he can be eliminated, ousting competition and clearing the way for your business down here. Then, you share something with me.”

“Like what?”

“If I share a secret, you share a secret.”

“We don't have any secrets, do we, Bambi?” Bambi shook her head. And her hair wobbled back and forth.

“No secrets? Really? You surprise me. After all, I've got lots of secrets. Every woman does.” I paused. “Okay, how about you tell me how you got rid of your husbands. We all know you did it. And, frankly, I am in awe of you both. What really happened Monday night?”

“I dunno. You first,” said Judi. “What's the secret about Tony the Baker?”

“First, do we have a business deal?”

Judi and Bambi looked at each other.

“I'm not sharing what I've got on Tony the Baker unless you give me something in return. And if you don't, I'm going to the sheriff. And if something ‘unfortunate,' as you say, were to happen to me, and I don't make it to the sheriff, someone will open my letter, detailing what I know about you. Still, of course, it's your choice.”

I smiled and took a sip from my champagne glass.

“You say what you got on Tony is good? Sure to get rid of him?”

I nodded.

“Why not,” said Judi. “I kinda like you, anyway. It'll be fun. Besides, there's only one of you and there's two of us here. Probably if you squeal, no one will believe you anyways.” Then, she thought for a moment. “Hey, you're not wearing a wire or anything, are you?”

“A wire? Like in the movies? Are you kidding?” I laughed. Then, I stood up and lifted my shirt to show my jog bra underneath. Hell, I'd been doing it all week; what was one more time, I thought.

“Wowie, Those are some bruises ya got there. Did my Sal do that to you?” Judi seemed like it was an everyday occurrence.

“It's nothing,” I said. I pulled my shirt down. “You ladies still have cold feet?” I'd let her believe what she wanted to believe about the bruises.

“Nah, We're cool,” said Judi with a sly grin.

“Yee! We're all in this together now!” said Bambi, clapping her manicured hands together.

The three of us clinked our champagne flutes.

“So, what's the big secret about Tony the Baker?” asked Judi eagerly.

“He's diabetic. Big-time. It'd be easy to bump him off. No one would be the wiser. It'd look like a medical issue. No mess, and your competition would disappear.” I smiled and raised my glass.

“Huh. That
is
real good. You know? Real good.” Judi raised her glass and clinked mine.

“Your turn. What happened Monday night?”

“Monday night, when we got downstairs, we heard voices in the kitchen,” said Judi.

“So, we decided to take a peek through the crack in the kitchen door, didn't we, Judi?” said Bambi. “That's when we saw Loretta and Lenny talking.”

“Yeah. We already knew Lenny was here because Sal had told me about the fishing trip, and how Guido was going to ‘do' something about the New England family poaching our future olive oil business. But I was shocked to see Loretta when she served dessert the other night. Of course, I'd
known them both since we were kids; we'd met at a couple of funerals and other ‘family' stuff. I should've guessed if he was here, she'd be here. They were usually never far apart.”

“The twin thing,” I said.

“I guess so.”

“Anyways,” said Bambi, “Judi and me, we heard the two of them talking about doing something to the olive trees that night. Then, they went outside.”

“'Cause we were in our bare feet, Bambi and I slipped into Sal's and Guido's boots on the porch,” said Judi.

“We followed them to a cabin, where they grabbed a pair of shovels,” said Bambi.

“Then they went back on a trail. We'd gone about two or three minutes when the rain and wind started to really pick up. Bambi started whining that she wanted to turn back, when all of a sudden Loretta turned and started heading for us. We dove into the brush real quick, and Bambi started blubbering because she got her hair weave all tangled in some of the prickers.”

“Yeah!” Bambi giggled. She pushed a big strawberry through her puffy pink lips.

“Loretta didn't see us. I promised Bambi a day at the beauty parlor and some Botox treatments if she'd follow Lenny while I stuck to Loretta.”

“Guido's been cutting back on my Botox funds,” said Bambi. She tried to furrow her brow.

“While she went off with Lenny, I followed Loretta back to the cabin where she left her shovel next to the door before she went inside. I was looking in the window when I accidently fell into the cabin. I heard Loretta heading for the door, and I figured she'd heard me. The woman's an animal; I heard that she clipped one of her own cousins! Anyways, I grabbed the shovel, and when she stepped out of the door, I whacked her real hard in the head. Honestly, it felt kinda good, so after she fell to the ground, I whacked her again. And again. It was like, all this anger I had at Sal came out, and I suddenly felt a giant rush of calm.”

“I see,” I said. “Remind me not to cross you during a board meeting.”

Judi laughed raucously.

“Loretta didn't move,” said Judi.

“So, I bent down and listened to hear her breathing. When I didn't hear nothing, I figured she was dead,” added Bambi.

“That's when it first occurred to me—we could get rid of two . . . heck, maybe three birds . . . with one stone, so to speak,” said Judi. “We'd get rid of Loretta and Lenny
and
our stupid husbands, then we could start the olive oil beauty business we wanted. So, I grabbed the shovel and ran off to catch up with Bambi. My idea was for us to come back and take care of Loretta's body later. First we had to deal with Lenny.”

“Only, along the way, you heard something,” said Bambi.

“Yeah, right. I heard gunshots, and I was worried that Lenny had shot Bambi. When I got to Bambi, she was fine, standing behind a tree in the woods crabbing about some nail she'd broken somewhere, watching Lenny light up a cigarette in the olive grove. So, I whispered my plan to Bambi, and she liked it. Except, she didn't want to hold the shovel. I figured Bambi probably couldn't lift the shovel to do much damage anyways, and it was starting to rain real hard again. And I was getting impatient. So, I decided arguing was useless, and I stepped out with my shovel.”

“I don't think you're talking very nice about me, Judi,” said Bambi. “It costs a lot of money to have my nails done. At least Guido keeps telling me that.”

Judi and I both ignored Bambi.

“So, we're out there in that stormy weather, standing at the far end of the olive grove. I says to Lenny, ‘What ya doing out here?' He turns around and pulls out a Glock. Only I was ready for him, and I smash his hand with my shovel and his Glock goes flying. Before he can move to grab it, Bambi steps forward and grabs the gun, and points it right at Lenny.

“I says, ‘So, Lenny, you gonna answer?'

“And he says, ‘Leave me alone. I got a job here. And you better get running before Loretta catches you here. She'll burn you if I don't do it myself.'”

“And he called us the B-word,” said Bambi.

“Yeah. It's not like I'm not used to it. Sal calls me that, and worse, all the time. Men are pigs. So, I says to Lenny, ‘Loretta ain't coming. Ever. Now, march!'”

“I waved my shovel, and Bambi and I walk Lenny at gunpoint for a few minutes over into the woods where we had him start digging a hole. ‘Big enough for two,' I told him.

“Of course, Lenny was digging his own grave, and one for Loretta, too,” I said.

“Judi said that we still needed Lenny to finish the hole before we whacked him for good,” answered Bambi.

“I whispered to Bambi that if he pulled any funny business to shoot him in the leg, 'cause we needed him to help us move Loretta out here,” continued Judi.

“I was only gonna shoot him if necessary. Then, when the hole was dug, Judi could take care of him with the shovel, like she did his sister. Judi is real strong.”

I nodded.

“Except, all of a sudden, Lenny chucks his shovel in the ditch and starts running,” said Judi. “So, we're chasing him through the woods in this terrible storm, and we're losing ground because we're both wearing our husbands' big boots, which are falling off our feet. Then, we lose him. So, we're out in the pouring rain and wind in this friggin' forest, Bambi is whining about her hair again, when all of a sudden, there he is . . . Lenny, mad as hell and standing right in front of us. That's when Bambi shot him. Bull's-eye. He dropped like a rock. Right there, near the olive grove. Then, Bambi starts blubbering, sayin' her nail got caught in the trigger and she never killed anyone before and she needs to get out of there. And she's not helping me move Leonard to the hole.”

“That's right,” said Bambi. “It was all an accident, really. He just surprised me so, well . . . I shot him.”

Judi rolled her eyes. “So, we left Lenny and ran back to
the house. I threw my shovel into the pond. I thought Bambi tossed Leonard's Glock, only I found out later she forgot and she still had it. Anyway, we put Sal's and Guido's boots back where we found 'em on the front porch. Then we hightailed it upstairs and into bed. I shoved the Glock under the mattress. Sal was snoring away. He never even woke up. It was like nothin' ever happened.”

“We should've put Leonard's Glock back in his hand—made it look like suicide, isn't that what we said later?” said Bambi. “Oh well.”

“No. It worked out better this way.” Judi rolled her eyes again. “Although, we never made it back to move Loretta's body. We figured folks would think Lenny killed her.”

“Yeah. We couldn't believe it when we heard she was still alive,” Bambi's eyes bugged out.

“If the detective had deputies looking though the house, why didn't they find the gun under the mattress?”

“'Cause when we heard the cops asking questions and looking through the place, Bambi hid the gun in her boobs.”

“My boobs are awesome! Guido tells me that all the time.”

“Of course, after the cops left, we wiped our prints off Lenny's Glock, and while he was sleeping last night, we wrapped drunken Sal's hand around it. Later, when no one was looking, we dropped it in Sal's boots, hoping someone would find it. Bambi wanted to drop the gun in Guido's boots, but it didn't fit. Besides, I said, 'cause Guido worked for Sal, chances were that if Sal went down, they'd both go down for Leonard's murder.”

“It was the perfect crime,” said Bambi.

“More bubbly, ladies?” I asked, as I filled their champagne flutes with the last of the bubbly.

“I just love this Southern hospitality!” Judi sighed with a contented smile. “Yes, siree, we did it,” she said, clinking her glass with Bambi before they each took another sip of sparkling wine.

“Yes, you did. But don't you know?” I smiled. “Ladies, there
is
no perfect crime.”

I reached down in my lap and tossed my cell phone on the table.

“Oh gosh!” I cried out. “It looks like I accidentally hit the ‘call' button when I sat down. And wouldn't you know, it's
still
connected!”

The lit screen on my phone read,
BUCK
.

I raised my champagne flute and winked.

Judi and Bambi sat speechless.

“At any moment now, my bumpkin sheriff will be comin' down the path to show you ladies even more of our Southern hospitality.”

Bambi froze, bug-eyed, holding a big strawberry in the air, while Judi gave me “the stare.”

“Cheers!”

Dolly jumped up. As the familiar figure in uniform strode across the lawn, Dolly barked once and wagged her tail.

A simple, savored treat since Roman times. Serve as an appetizer with crusty bread and crudités or prepare as a condiment to complement many dishes. May be prepared a week ahead and stored in refrigerator with a thin layer of olive oil poured on top. Before serving stored tapenade, stir in extra olive oil and add a few drops of lemon juice to brighten, then serve at room temperature.

• 1 pound brine-cured black olives, Niçoise, Gaeta, or Coquillo. Do not use canned Spanish or California black olives, which lack the flavor and texture you need.
  
• 1 2-ounce tin anchovies, packed in oil, drained
  
• 2 tablespoons drained capers, rinsed
  
• 2 garlic cloves, peeled and crushed
  
• 6 small dried figs, coarsely chopped
  
• 2 tablespoons fresh mint leaves
  
• 1 tablespoon fresh basil leaves
  
• 2 tablespoons fresh Italian or flat-leaf parsley
  
• 1 tablespoon dried Herbes de Provence, or any combination of dried thyme, marjoram, tarragon, basil, oregano, rosemary, lavender
  
• Fresh coarsely ground black pepper to taste
  
• Coarse sea salt to taste
  
• ¼ cup extra virgin olive oil
  
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice, plus more to add to stored tapenade just before serving
  

1. If olives are not pitted, using sharp knife, slit each olive and squeeze out pit. Discard pits.
   
2. Combine olives, anchovies, capers, garlic, and figs in food processor. Pulse briefly until ingredients make chunky paste.
   
3. Add herbs and several grinds of pepper and sea salt to taste.
   
4. Add olive oil and lemon juice. Pulse briefly to combine to coarse-textured paste.
   
5. Use immediately or store in refrigerator for up to one week. If stored, add lemon juice and stir before serving.
   

Simple and yummy anytime. Tinkering with herb ingredients makes it a unique delight every time.

• Tomatoes
  
• Fresh or dried rosemary, oregano, basil, lavender, parsley
  
• Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
  
• Crusty baguette or artisanal bread, thick sliced
  
• Fresh extra virgin olive oil, or garlic-infused olive oil, or herb-infused olive oil, such as basil or rosemary
  

1. Cut tomatoes into large chunks.
   
2. Add tomatoes, herbs, salt, and pepper into bowl and mash with pastry cutter or potato masher until chunks are soft and mushy but not pulverized.
   
3. Toast bread slices.
   
4. Drizzle olive oil on warm toast and top with spoonfuls of tomato mash.
   

Best fresh caught, be sure to select only the freshest market filets with pristine, vibrant flesh and shiny skin that is resilient to the touch. Trout is mild tasting and delicately textured.

• 2 tablespoons olive oil, plus 1 tablespoon more
  
• 1 cup pecans, finely chopped and lightly toasted
  
• 1 cup panko bread crumbs
  
• ¼ cup chopped fresh Italian or flat-leaf parsley
  
• Coarse sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
  
• 4 trout fillets, 6–8 ounces each with skin on one side
  
• ½ cup buttermilk
  
• Loretta's Pecan Brown Butter (optional, recipe
  here
  )
  
• Lemon wedges for garnish
  

1. Preheat oven to 200ºF. Brush rimmed baking sheet with 1 tablespoon olive oil and place in oven to warm.
   
2. Combine pecans, bread crumbs, and parsley in a shallow bowl or pie plate.
   
3. Season trout fillets with salt and pepper.
   
4. Brush flesh side of trout with buttermilk, or dip each fillet into shallow pan of buttermilk.
   
5. Press the flesh side of each fillet into the dry pecan mixture, coating in a thick crust.
   
6. Heat 2 tablespoons of oil in a large skillet. Adjust heat to medium.
   
7. Place 2 trout filets in skillet, crust side down. Cook until golden brown, 2 to 3 minutes. Turn and cook until fish is opaque in the center and just cooked through, 2 to 3 minutes more.
   
8. Transfer cooked trout, crust side up, to prepared baking sheet. Place baking sheet in oven to keep filets warm.
   
9. Repeat the skillet process with the remaining 2 tablespoons of oil and the remaining 2 trout fillets.
   
10. Place 4 cooked filets, crust side up, on warmed serving plates. Drizzle with Loretta's Pecan Brown Butter (optional, recipe below).
    
11. Garnish with lemon. Serve immediately.
    

Perfect complement to fish. Makes 4 servings.

• ¼ cup unsalted butter
  
• Finely grated zest and juice of 1 lemon
  
• ¼ cup chopped pecans
  
• ¼ cup fresh flat-leaf parsley
  
• Coarse sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
  

1. Wipe skillet that trout was cooked in with paper towels.
   
2. Add butter; melt over medium heat until butter foams and turns medium brown, swirling pan occasionally.
   
3. Remove from heat; add the lemon zest and juice, pecans, and parsley; season with coarse salt and black pepper.
   

This Southern classic is wonderful with fried fish, chicken, and barbeque. Makes about 8 servings.

• 1 medium to large green cabbage, washed, with outer leaves removed
  
• 2 large carrots, peeled
  
• 1 tablespoon sugar
  
• 1 teaspoon celery seed
  
• Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
  
• ½ cup mayonnaise
  
• ½ cup buttermilk
  
• 2 tablespoons fresh-squeezed lemon juice
  
• 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
  

1. Cut off stalk from bottom of cabbage.
   
2. Cut cabbage in half lengthwise, then cut each half lengthwise in half again.
   
3. Cut out cabbage stem from each quarter.
   
4. With flat side facedown on cutting board, thinly slice each quarter from top to bottom.
   
5. Collect all slices and place into large bowl.
   
6. Grate or shred carrots by hand or in food processor.
   
7. Add carrots to cabbage and mix well.
   
8. In small bowl, combine remaining ingredients and stir until smooth.
   
9. Pour buttermilk mixture over cabbage and carrots and toss until well blended.
   
10. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate at least two hours.
    
11. Serve cold.
    

Self-rising flour makes these rich biscuits easy and quick to prepare. Makes about 1 dozen.

• 2 cups self-rising flour
  
• 1 cup heavy whipping cream
  
• ¼ cup finely diced salt pork cracklin's (recipe
  here
  )
  
• 1 egg white, lightly beaten with a whisk
  

1. Preheat oven to 400ºF.
   
2. Butter or grease baking sheet and set aside. Or, for crustier biscuit bottoms, place a skillet in the oven to warm for 10 to 15 minutes.
   
3. Add flour to large bowl. Make a well in the center.
   
4. Pour cream into the well, stirring with a spatula until flour is moistened.
   
5. Stir in cracklin's. Mix until dough pulls away from sides of the bowl. If flour remains on the bottom of the bowl, add additional cream, one spoonful at a time.
   
6. Transfer dough to a lightly floured surface. Sprinkle a little flour on top of the dough.
   
7. With floured hands, pat dough down to ½ inch thick. Fold in half. Pat to ½ inch thick again.
   
8. Brush off visible flour from pressed dough top.
   
9. With 2½-inch biscuit cutter, or rim of a drinking glass, cut out each biscuit round. Roll dough scraps together and flatten to ½ inch thick to make more biscuits.
   
10. Place rounds about 1 inch apart on buttered or greased baking sheet or in warmed skillet.
    
11. With a light hand, brush egg white on tops of rounds.
    
12. Bake biscuits in upper third of oven for 10 to 15 minutes, or until golden brown. Serve warm.
    

A delicious, crunchy Southern staple to enhance vegetables, legumes, barbeque, and breads.

• ¼ cup or more finely diced salt pork
  

1. In small, heavy skillet, stir-fry diced salt pork over moderate heat until well browned and crisp, about 10 minutes.
   
2. Remove from skillet and drain cracklin's on paper towels.
   

Hearty and delicious, seasoned peas and beans make for a perfect Southern-style side dish. Careful not to overcook!

• 2 cups shelled fresh crowder peas
  
• 2 cups shelled fresh butter beans
  
• 1 ham hock or 2–3 ounces salt pork
  
• 1 small hot red pepper, seeded and minced
  
• Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
  
• 1 small onion, quartered
  
• Butter to taste
  
• 1 tablespoon fresh parsley, chopped
  

1. Place peas and beans in a large bowl of water and stir with fingers, picking out any debris as well as blemished peas and beans. Drain.
   
2. Place peas and beans in a large saucepan with ham hock, red pepper, salt, and pepper. Cover with three times as much water as the volume of beans and peas.
   
3. Bring water to boil and reduce heat to low. Cover and simmer until peas and beans are tender but not too soft, about 20 minutes.
   
4. Add onion and cook past the rubbery stage, but not until mushy, another 10 to 20 minutes.
   
5. Drain. Discard ham hock or salt pork.
   
6. Transfer peas and beans to serving bowl. Top with butter. Garnish with parsley.
   

A thick coating of batter helps keep each bite-sized okra slice crisp on the outside and prevents it from wilting on the inside. Stirring or turning okra while frying will knock off the coating and burn the okra. One medium okra makes about 8 to 10 slices. Serves about 6.

• 2 pounds okra, rinsed
  
• 1 egg, beaten
  
• 2 tablespoons water
  
• 2 cups buttermilk
  
• Hot sauce, such as Tabasco pepper sauce or cayenne pepper sauce, to taste
  
• 4 teaspoons salt, divided into two equal parts
  
• 2 cups cornmeal
  
• 2 cups panko bread crumbs
  
• Freshly ground black pepper to taste
  
• Olive oil, vegetable oil, or shortening for frying
  
• Sea salt to taste
  

1. Slice stem ends off okra and cut okra into ¼-inch slices.
   
2. Mix egg, water, buttermilk, hot sauce, and 2 teaspoons salt in large bowl.
   
3. Add okra slices to the buttermilk mixture.
   
4. Into another bowl, mix cornmeal, panko, pepper, and remaining salt.
   
5. With slotted spoon, remove okra from buttermilk mixture and add to cornmeal.
   
6. Toss okra in cornmeal mixture lightly to coat.
   
7. With slotted spoon, remove okra pieces to cake rack to allow excess cornmeal mixture to fall through rack.
   
8. In large, heavy iron skillet, add oil to reach about ½ inch up the sides. Heat until deep-frying thermometer reads 350ºF.
   
9. With large spoon, add small batches of okra to pan without overcrowding the pan.
   
10. Fry just a few minutes until golden brown; resist urge to turn frying okra so batter will remain undisturbed. Turn with slotted spoon only as necessary.
    
11. With slotted spoon, remove browned okra from pan and set on paper towel covered cookie sheet to drain.
    
12. Sprinkle with sea salt to taste, if desired.
    
13. While frying remaining okra, keep cooked pieces warm in 200ºF to 250ºF oven.
    
14. Serve warm.
    

Sure to be a favorite you'll want to prepare again and again.

• 2 pounds Yukon Gold potatoes, about 6 ounces each
  
• 3 cloves garlic, lightly smashed
  
• 2 teaspoons sea salt
  
• ⅓ cup extra virgin olive oil
  
• ¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
  
• 1 teaspoon fresh basil, chopped, or dried basil
  
• 1 teaspoon fresh thyme, chopped, or dried thyme
  
• 1 teaspoon fresh rosemary, chopped, or dried rosemary
  
• 1 tablespoon fresh parsley, chopped
  

1. Preheat oven to 450ºF.
   
2. Bring large pot of water to boil. Add potatoes, garlic, and salt. Simmer until just tender, about 10 to 15 minutes.
   
3. Drain water. Save garlic. Let potatoes cool for 5 to 10 minutes.
   
4. Mince boiled garlic and set aside.
   
5. Rub baking sheet with olive oil.
   
6. Place just-cooled potatoes on oiled baking sheet and lightly smash each potato with the palm of your hand or bottom of a glass so that the skin breaks open with the potato remaining relatively intact.
   
7. Drizzle potatoes with half the olive oil; sprinkle with salt and pepper. Carefully turn over potatoes to coat both sides.
   
8. Roast 15 minutes, then drizzle again with remaining oil.
   
9. Roast another 20 to 30 minutes until edges of skins begin to brown and crisp.
   
10. Remove from oven.
    
11. Combine minced garlic with chopped herbs.
    
12. Place potatoes in serving bowl or on individual plates and sprinkle with herbs and garlic; serve immediately.
    

Leaner than domesticated pork, with care not to overcook, wild boar boneless loin may be prepared like domesticated pork loins.

• Tenderloin of wild boar, trussed to maintain even thickness throughout
  
• Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
  
• 1–2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
  

1. Preheat oven to 400°F.
   
2. Lightly season tenderloin with salt and pepper.
   
3. Heat oven-proof skillet over medium-high heat with olive oil.
   
4. Sear tenderloin for about 2 to 3 minutes per side.
   
5. Transfer tenderloin in skillet to oven. Roast until center of loin reaches temperature of 150°F. Depending on size of roast, this can take as little as 10 and up to 35 minutes.
   
6. Remove roast from oven, transfer to serving platter, and loosely tent with foil. Rest roast for about 10 minutes before serving with Boone Beasley's Creamy Mustard Sauce (recipe below).
   

Perfect and classic for many cuts of domestic pork or wild boar.