One Hand Jerking (10 page)

“Amateur Girls Never Before Seen” . . . “Fresh hot assets” . . . “Drunk party babes” . . . “Wow—Screwing Machines” . . . “Bondage at Mistress Shaved's Nasty Fetish Club” . . . “Pussies Getting Slammed” . . . “Pregnant Girls Getting Laid!” . . . “Look inside a pussy with our dildo-cam” . . . “watch this girl get her poousy lips get parted with a tongue” . . . “Big Clits—Monster Clits” . . . “enter this place and you willl see hard nipples and pink beavers” . . . “I have a multi-colored bush for you to see” . . . “The Executive's Dream”—(your secretary is a dirty little thing, and wants your Man Meat!)

“Hey,
psst
, you wanna see some nice breasts? Try these for size: “All we have are Breasts!” . . . “Do You Like Tits”—(100,000+ pics of big titty girls) . . . “Big Huge Breasts” . . . “Melon size boobies” . . . “Jumbo Juggy Jugs” . . . “Big juicy titties” . . . “Petite Little Boobs . . .”

How about interracial? “Choked white whores used as black cum recepticals” . . . “White Ladies and Dark Meat Look of Pain!” Or what about international? “Nasty Asian sex” . . . “Viet Yummy” . . . “Latin girls getting fucked” . . . “Re: travel plans”—(We've got girls from countries all over Asia spreading their pink pussies) . . . “I put the stalian back in Italian. . . .”

Do you prefer four-legged friends? “Watch me fuck a poodle” . . . “Oh my God, I had S-E-X With My Dog!” . . . “Meet Harvey the pussy eating wonder dog!” . . . “Teen takes a horse dong deep inside her flower” . . . “She takes the 20 inch horse pole” . . . “The real farm movie they tried to ban”—(guess Ramo's [the horse's] cock size and win a free ticket to the show) . . . “Dacy Does Donkeys” . . . “S*X WITH PETS”—(Taken to the Xtreme) . . . “This is sicker than Michael Jackson's daycare”—(girls with farm animals) . . . “Hot women do everything in my car”—(You ever wanted to see a live donkey show?)
Editor's note
: Gosh, that must be a very large car.

You dig first-timers? “Angel's First Facial” . . . “Erika's First five finger Experience” . . . “First Time Lesbians!”

Know how to make (or take) a fist? “Miss Fist-a-Lot!” . . . “Porn Queens Fist-fucked for Real” . . . “Get Your Fisting Party Started!”

Got oral sex? “Cum Squad Squat!” . . . “Free pics of teen Sluts Sucking Almighty Cocks!” . . . “Teens covered in cum!” . . . “Young Pussy Lickers” . . .
“Girls love to tasty cum” . . . “Shooting Incident”—(Max Cumshot) . . . “See them spurt!”—(Cumshakes, Thousands of Hot Cum Covered Girls) . . . “I blew my load all over her”—(Facial Fiasco) . . . “She swallowed it all, Cum splattered all over her face” . . . “Jizz drizzled all over my face help me!” . . . “Sarah sucking balls” . . . “Bite that cock!”

Or maybe anal? “Doing Her Ass” . . . “My Girl Likes Anal Sex” . . . “Nasty Girls Doing Backdoor” . . . “I've applied to 4 Universities, but this one has the best programs”—(We're going to send you to Anal University).

Golden shower, anyone? “She's a Pee Fanatic!” . . . “She peed on me!”

Age is no barrier: “Virgin Schoolgirls” . . . “Cranky debutantes” . . . “Teen sluts gone wild” . . . “Tight Teen Cunts” . . . “watch me spread this teens Pucey lips” . . . “Ordinary Girls with Spread Legs—naughty girls fresh out of high school” . . . “Cute girls in college spreading their legs” . . . “Aged woman spreads legs” . . . “Loving for grannies” . . . “Hot Nude Granny”—(The Premier Mature Lady Site).

Neither is gender a barrier. “Crazy Gay Action only the BIGGEST Gay Cocks Inside” . . . “New reality site with young boys” . . . “Gay closet movies” . . . “sex crazed lesbians” . . .

Nor marriage vows. “I'm ready to cheat on my husand” . . . “With the kids asleep, mom gets wild and kinky” . . . “Sit back, relax and get a blow job from a woman at EZ Cheatng tonight” . . . “watch these ladies get nailed while the kids are in bed” . . . “in here is over 5 hundred thousand pictures of hot moms naked” . . . “Look at a hot mom taking a shower and shaving her vagina” . . . “The State Survey”—(How many children do you claim? Real yummy mummys) . . . “Don't Be Shy” and “Please don't tell anyone”—(both lead to “a revolutionary new service connecting cheating wives with single men.”)

Celebrities in home-made sex videos are of course a special treat on the World Wide Web, from Pamela Anderson to Paris Hilton. From “Paris Hilton just drinks love juice” and “Paris Hilton is on a see men diet” to “J. Lo's Nipples” and “J. Lo caught eating a booger”—whatever turns you on.

Here, have a subject-line montage: “Bob said you'd want this” . . . “Naked Girls Next Door”—(Enter here to fuck these hot girls) . . . “(no subject)”—(Do you ever find yourself thinking about what it would be like to see naked girls all day?) . . . “lusty transvestites take picture for you” . . . “Upskirt panty peaks” . . . “Her cherrry gets popped!” . . . “Watch these young teens get exploited—severely!” . . . “100% hot bitches” . . . “As vulg@r as it getz” . . . “The sickest place on earth”—(midgets, animals, trannies, fisting, pregnant, enemas) . . . “Unreal Penetrations”
. . . “Security Guards F_ucking Hot Girls” . . . “Take care”—(Insane orgies) . . . “3 Girls gangbanged” . . . “These Guys Don't have a Chance!”—(Hot Young locals Seduce Unknowing Tourist!) . . . “Stop wasting money on women!”

These are spam subject lines that have a certain sexual aura, but lead you to non-sexual messages: “Do you know I love you”—(money lender) . . . “See my newest movie”—(Wholesale prescription medicines) . . . “As good as it gets”—(online poker) . . . “It is hard”—(Banned CD, Government don't want me to sell it. Your own FBI file, driving record, criminal databases) . . . “We Got the Spread”—(Nude, but click here to bet now! NFL odds) . . . “Beach Girls”—(Forget Aging and Dieting forever) . . . “First Time”—(for both “Wholesale prescription medications at bargain prices” and “Term-life coverage at reduced rates is now available”) . . . “I can come” and “Corrupted existentially” both lead to weight-loss messages.

Or, a subject line can appear to be political, such as “How Saddam Survived,” which turned out to be a pitch for a growth hormone releaser from the American Society For the Treatment of Aging.

And finally, here's my own personal favorite spam, which came from Dark-Profits. com. The subject line reads: “Your credit card has been charged for $234.65”—which leads to the following message, headlined
Important Notice
:

“We have just charged your credit card for money laundry service in amount of $234.65 (because you are either child pornography webmaster or deal with dirty money, which require us to laundry them and then send to your checking account). If you feel this transaction was made by our mistake, please press ‘No.' If you confirm this transaction, please press ‘Yes' and fill in the form below. Enter your credit card number here. Enter your credit card expiration date.”

In the immortal words of Bart Simpson, “I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.”

Postscript
: Had to share this one: Spam subject line: “Ethan is the paper ready yet?” The message: “Make her scream with joy! Become the 9 incher today!” Also, 40 days before the 2004 presidential election, I spotted a new—though temporary—trend. Here are a few subject lines, courtesy of Viagra: “Kerry Isn't Feeling Well”; “George Bush Is a Liar”; and “Breaking News: Osama Bin Laden Captured.”

Although reality has been nipping at the heels of satire for many years, reality has increasingly been overtaking satire. I thought of a TV show called
Feng Shui Vigilantes
, only to find out there are
already
similar series, such as
While You Were Out
. So here I am, trying to extrapolate on industry trends in order to forecast programs of the future, while simultaneously hoping that none of them will be on the air by the time you read this.

The News Dude
—Recent polls indicate that less and less young people watch the network news. In order to entice that demographic, a 19-year-old will deliver the evening news accompanied by appropriate music. For example, when reporting the latest corporate crime, this one involving the Carlyle Group, he will be backed by a tape of Jimmy Cliff singing “The Harder They Come, the Harder They Fall.”

Snitch
—At last viewers will be like flies on the wall, free to observe, in the comfort of their living rooms, paid informants divulge information to their control officers. A split screen will reveal the informee reacting to a monitor in the greenroom. Security will be very tight. The show will be hosted by Bill Maher who, at the NORML convention, outed Ted Turner and Harrison Ford as pot smokers; that pair will perform a hilarious parody of the good cop/bad cop syndrome in the pilot. (Maher has since outed himself as a toker.)

Tips for Terrorists
—This is a spin-off of those segments on the news, originally intended to inform American citizens about the plethora of vulnerabilities in our infrastructure. However, intelligence agents learned that international terrorists were busy taking notes, ever vigilant for weaknesses in this, their target country. When the first episode is aired—disclosing the lack of security at the nine dams scattered around Los Angeles—it will be attacked as stretching the First Amendment too far, but defended as the risk of democracy.

The Gay Mafia
—This series,
The Sopranos
meets
Will and Grace
, has an all-gay cast. The doubly-stereotypical gang extorts interior decorators and runs gay bathhouses. Softcore-porn scenes with bumping buttocks occur each episode. Limp wrists are in, stiff dicks are out. Dialogue (“Who moved my soap opera?”) and T-shirts (“It's OK to Be Hetero”) serve as cute condiments.

Pot Party
—An ongoing reality show for those who find themselves smoking
marijuana alone, but feel more gregarious to at least see fellow stoners on the screen passing joints around the room, talking, laughing, listening to music and munching the hours away.

Voices From Hell
—This show will be the result of an FCC equal-time requirement in response to such mediums as James Van Praagh and John Edward, who hear only from departed souls that are in Heaven.

The D Files
—D, of course, is for disinformation. Ever since the Bush administration announced that there would be an Office of Disinformation—and then, as its first official act, the Office of Disinformation announced that there would not be an Office of Disinformation after all—folks have been wondering what they're clandestinely up to. This game show provides the answers, as contestants attempt to distinguish between facts and propaganda.

Libel
—Each week a panel of experts in public relations will take a completely unknown person and, like alchemists transforming underground buzz into mainstream awareness, they will turn the subject into an instant commodity with total name recognition. When that project is successfully completed, then the panel will carry out a vigorous campaign to libel those same individuals, who cannot sue because they are now public figures.

The Nielsen Family
—Sponsors used to depend on the number of eyeballs that a TV show could deliver. But, since a study indicated that scenes of sex and violence tend to distract from the viewer's attention to commercials, this new series is actually
intended
to be dull, thus aiming for quality—that is, brand-name consciousness—rather than quantity. And, indeed, the ratings should soar to the top, perhaps because it will feature a different Nielsen family each week, and all the other Nielsen families will watch it regularly.

Celebrity Enemas
—Executives at the Fox network will readily admit that it was a real challenge to develop this particular series. “It was important,” according to one spokesperson, “that this program be presented in a tasteful manner.” At first agents and publicists alike refused to return calls from segment producers. But when John Goodman agreed to participate in the pilot, then other celebs started volunteering. “I'm on a special diet,” the portly actor stated—“low salt and high colonics.” The program is sponsored by Starbucks to help promote their new coffee enema, the Anal Latte.

The Reality Café
—Viewers will find this documentary series truly riveting, what with the ups and downs of a posh specialty restaurant which serves only those items that have been eaten by contestants on shows such as
Fear Factor
.
The menu includes grubs, worms, huge hissing cockroaches, rancid cheese teeming with maggots, rat stew, reindeer testicles and horse rectums.

Laugh Track
—Even diehard sitcom fans have grown tired of listening to the reconstituted sound of an audience that had originally been laughing at
I Love Lucy
and is now ostensibly laughing at
Everybody Loves Raymond
. Virtually all of them are dead, but it's the only form of an afterlife that I can conceive.
Laugh Track
will present clips of all new laughter, with the only visual being that of the studio audience laughing. It will serve as must-see TV for those who want their own laughter to be stimulated only by pure peer pressure without any interference from content.

Godspin
—Every Sunday morning, representatives from a variety of religions—including cult leaders and professional skeptics—will discuss spiritual matters in a lively fashion. Such topics as the following will be explored: “Does the Deity Have an Awareness of Itself?” “Can Blasphemy Be a Form of Prayer?” “What Motivates Suicide Bombers?” “Should ‘Under God' in the Pledge of Allegiance Be Changed to ‘Inside God'?” And, “Did Jesus Masturbate or Did He Merely Have Nocturnal Emissions?”