One Mountain Away (35 page)

Davis, on the other hand, had just gotten a raise.

“Davis likes it there,” Harmony admitted.

For a moment Anne looked concerned. “Uh-oh. You’re not going to say anything, are you?”

Harmony thought Anne had said too much herself, particularly if Ricky really wanted to keep his job, but she reassured her. “Not to anybody.”

“I guess Davis is a pretty traditional guy.” Anne paused, looking Harmony over. “I didn’t think that you were.”

“Apparently Davis thinks I can fit in.” She finished the rest of the sentence in her head.
Particularly once we’re married and our baby is legitimate
.

“Well, good luck to all of us,” Anne said. “At least we can hang out together at the dinner.” She gave a little wave and started toward the door where her friends were waiting.

Harmony wondered if Davis would even be seen with Ricky and Anne at the country club, or if he would avoid them in public because the powers-that-be would be watching.

Davis, who wanted to announce their engagement at the country club dinner.

Was it possible that once they were married, the baby they had mistakenly conceived could be a plus for his career? Proof he was settling into the community?

Then there was the opposite scenario. Davis, an unwed father, who was paying child support after a meaningless fling—which was probably easy to discover with a routine background check. Davis, an unwelcome addition to a conservative firm.

For the first time in weeks, all the familiar Cuppa smells made her stomach churn.

* * *

Ethan carefully bided his time until the moment was right to give Taylor Charlotte’s letter. He knew Maddie’s absence was like a scar on his daughter’s heart. Maddie’s epilepsy and Taylor’s age at her birth had brought the two closer, although the opposite could well have been true if Taylor hadn’t been so determined to be the perfect mother.

As it was, Taylor’s world revolved around her daughter, and Ethan wanted her to have time to adjust before he broached the subject of her own mother. Now, a week into Maddie’s holiday, Ethan invited Taylor for tacos, a meal that had been her favorite as a girl. He simmered a pot of black beans with garlic and onions while he chopped lettuce, tomatoes and avocados, and set them on a tray. He’d already made fresh pico de gallo and crumbled authentic
queso fresco
. The fresh tortillas came from a tortillaria on Patton Avenue, where they were sold by the kilo. Ethan wasn’t above bribery to get his way.

Taylor arrived with a six-pack of Negra Modelo and the appetite of a stevedore. They set the small table that looked out on the weeping cherry tree that had been spectacular a month before.

Taylor finished a story about a night on the town with her yoga students. “So there I was, trying to be one of the gang, and I didn’t have the faintest idea what to do. I was younger than anybody there, but I felt like I was their granny. A guy tried to buy me a drink, and I couldn’t even say yes, because I’m not sure what that means these days.”

“That’s one area where I’m fresh out of advice.”

She made a wry face. “Maybe I’ll just ask Jeremy. He’d know.”

“Does it bother you he’s getting married?”

“It bothers me Willow’s going to be Maddie’s stepmother. I don’t have anything against her except that she’s sort of Dolly Parton in training, but I guess I don’t want to share my daughter.” She managed a wan smile. “Maddie’s the only kid I’ll ever have unless I figure out how to let a guy buy me a beer.”

“I’ll say this much, then I’m moving on, because this isn’t a daddy subject. There are better places to meet guys, but you have to think about yourself for a change to find them.”

“I could start hiking. That’s how you met Judy.”

“And look how well that turned out.”

“She still calls me once in a while.”

“Me, too. Friends to the end.” He wondered if Taylor was edging toward a conversation about his
other
wife and hoped it was true.

“I like Judy,” she said, as if she was thinking out loud. “When Maddie was little she was there when I needed her. But she really blew it when she decided to move back to Chicago. She left the best man in the world just because she missed the Midwest. It’s hard to get past that.”

He pulled a tortilla from its aluminum foil packet and began to spoon on toppings. “I think you have an odd idea about what a perfect husband I was. I really wasn’t. Judy and I had our issues, and so did your mother and I. Judy realized she needed a big city and a different kind of stimulation than she got here. I wasn’t willing to relocate, and she wasn’t willing to stay. And that says something about both of us, don’t you think?”

“She met you
here
. You had every reason to think she wanted to live
here
. To me, that says she’s the one at fault.”

“Nothing’s ever that simple.”

“Are you saying you didn’t try to make things work?”

“Maybe I didn’t try hard enough.”

“Well, you tried hard with my mother. I was there, remember? You compromised and gave up so much of what you wanted, and where did it get you?”

He stopped work on his taco and locked his gaze with hers. “Taylor, that’s
not
how it was. You were young, and now you look back on my marriage to your mom with jaded eyes. But I loved her from the moment I met her, and everything I did, everything I gave in on, was less important to me than she was. That’s what love’s about.”

“I guess we should change the subject.”

“I know it’s not an easy one,” he said carefully, “but maybe it’s time we talked about those years. Because we had some good times, honey. Not perfect, maybe not even easy, but good.”

“I can tell you what I remember. My mother trying to change us both. She was never satisfied with us the way we were. She wanted us to be different, to live up to her standards and make her proud. But nothing ever would have, because her standards were impossible.”

Ethan made sure she was finished before he answered. “I think she might be the first person to say there’s truth in that. It’s not completely true, but true in spots. The thing is, your mom was trying to make things right, not just for herself, but for us, too. Her childhood was so difficult, and she pulled herself up and out of it by sheer determination. She couldn’t bear the thought you might have to go through anything like that, not ever. And so many of the things she did and said were fueled by that fear.”

Taylor didn’t say anything for a moment, then she shrugged. “I don’t care.”

“I don’t think that’s true. She’s your mother. She held you on her lap and read you stories and walked the floor with you when you were sick. She took you to New York to see
Beauty and the Beast
for your fourteenth birthday, just the two of you, because you wanted so badly to see Broadway and Central Park and the Statue of Liberty. That was all you could talk about for months. And she bought you those beautiful diamond earrings at Tiffany’s, remember? She told you the diamonds were like our love for you, one from her, one from me, pure and sparkling and always with you whenever you wore them.”

Taylor rolled her eyes. “I’m not quite sure why you’re defending her. You’re right. She didn’t beat me. She didn’t lock me in a dark closet. But even that weekend in New York, I had to wear what she wanted me to, shop where she wanted to shop, eat the food she thought I should. I was fourteen, and so happy to actually have a whole weekend with her, but by the end, I was ready to come back just to get away from her.”

“Which is typical of a fourteen-year-old girl. But that’s not the way you spoke of that weekend, Taylor. Not ever. Are you sure you aren’t twisting it now, so it won’t be a painful memory?”

To her credit, she didn’t answer right away. Finally she shook her head. “I’m not sure why this is relevant.”

“This isn’t the way I wanted to do this, honey. But somehow your mother came up, and here we are discussing our past. So I guess the time’s right to tell you that she and I have talked a couple of times since Maddie’s fall. She’s changed. Dramatically. She’s aware of the mistakes she made. The biggest, of course, was using coercion when she learned you were pregnant. But I’ve come to understand she was frantic, so concerned about what having a baby would do to your life that she would have done anything to protect you.”

“Protect me? From my own child?”

“Are you going to tell me that having a baby at seventeen was the best thing you ever did? That it was the right time for either of you? That it hasn’t impacted every single moment since? Of course Maddie’s a wonderful gift, and you’re a wonderful mother. But try to put yourself in your own mother’s shoes. What if Maddie comes to
you
when she’s sixteen and tells you she’s pregnant. Will you be thrilled if she wants to keep the baby and raise it? If she drops out of high school? If all your hopes and dreams for her disintegrate?”

“I can tell you that I would never, never say she shouldn’t have been born!”

“We both misunderstood that,” Ethan said. “Your mother was looking at Maddie, with all those tubes snaking around her, and machines pumping and bleating, and her heart was breaking. All she meant was that Maddie shouldn’t be suffering the way she was, that it was just too terrible a burden for such a little baby.”

“So she says.” Taylor had been holding her fork. Now she set it by her plate. “So you and my mother are talking.”

“She tried to talk to
you
in the hospital.”

“Where she should never have been.”

“She’s trying again.” Ethan got up and took the letter Charlotte had written from a drawer in his desk, came back and held it out to her. “She left this with me. I told her it might be easier for you to read what she has to say than to hear it. That you might need time to think about it before the two of you talked.”

Taylor didn’t take the envelope. “We aren’t going to talk.”

“She misses you. She loves you. She wants you and Maddie in her life again. On your terms.”

“My terms?
No
terms. Things are fine just the way they are.”

“They aren’t fine,” Ethan said, putting the letter on the table beside her. “You’re estranged from your mother. Maddie has never met her grandmother. It’s time to heal this wound.”

“This is exactly the way things used to be when you were together,” Taylor said. “She talked, and you listened and then did whatever she asked. You were
always
taken in by the things she said. You always thought better of her than she deserved.”

Ethan couldn’t remember ever being truly angry at Taylor. He’d been upset at things she’d done as a child, and desperately unhappy about the pregnancy, but the feeling that swept over him now was very different. He waited until the first wave ebbed, then he spoke slowly and carefully.

“Perhaps I’ve thought better of
you
than you deserved, Taylor. Because until this moment, I honestly believed you had a kind heart and the maturity to be objective when it was called for.”

“I can’t believe this.”

“Believe
this,
then. I know from everything I’ve ever learned in this life that people deserve second chances. You got yours when Maddie was born. You were given a chance to grow up and become a mother to a wonderful little girl, despite having made a pretty huge mistake by getting pregnant in the first place.”

“You think Maddie was a mistake?”

“I think the
pregnancy
was a mistake, yes. A pregnancy you could have prevented if you hadn’t been so busy trying to show your mother who was boss. At the time, despite the enormity, I supported you in every way I knew how, and I abandoned your mother to do it. It was the right thing, but now it’s your turn.”

She looked as if she couldn’t believe the things he was saying. “Exactly
what
has she said to you? Because this doesn’t sound one bit like you.”

“It’s all me. One hundred percent. You can count on it.”

“She comes back into our lives, and now we’re fighting. Don’t you get that?”

“She comes back into our lives and now, for the first time, I see the mistakes all of us made, Taylor.”

She got to her feet and leaned against the table. “I think maybe I’ll go home now.”

He didn’t argue. “I think maybe you should. But don’t leave without that letter, because it belongs to you. What you do with it is your business, but I will not be in the middle of this feud anymore. From this moment forward, how you proceed is between you and your mom. I hope you’ll find a way to resolve things. And frankly, I hope you’ll find the courage and kindness to let her back into your life. Because she needs to be there.”

To Taylor’s credit, she pushed away from the table, took the letter and stuffed it in the pocket of her jeans. Then she gave one short nod and brushed past him. He didn’t turn to watch her go, but when the door clicked shut, his shoulders slumped.

“Charlotte,” he said softly, “exactly when does this stop?”

Chapter Thirty-One

First Day Journal: June 11

I knew, after that first bone marrow biopsy, that my leukemia couldn’t be hidden forever. Now I realize when the next round of chemo begins I must tell both friends and colleagues, so they can prepare for whatever comes next. I’m just not sure how to do it.

The last time I saw her, Reverend Ana mentioned my bucket list. Not trips to Antarctica, canopy walking in Borneo, painting coastal sunsets. I want to find ways to live after I die. I want to smile at the legacy I leave.

I’m glad I told Analiese about Gwen. She understood, as I thought she might, but I didn’t tell her everything. I didn’t tell her that I awake sometimes in the middle of the night, and again I feel a presence in the room. Perhaps it’s only my growing certainty that I’m not alone on this journey, that hands assist and soothe me as I travel. I smile at myself because I’m a Christian who feels the presence of a Buddhist goddess in her heart and life. I marvel at how little we understand, and how flimsy are the walls we erect to separate ourselves from people and universal wisdom everywhere.