One Night: Denied (33 page)

‘Miller, you’re squashing me.’ I practically gasp the words, but he only squeezes harder. ‘Miller, ease up.’ I feel his head shake in my neck. ‘Miller, please!’

He pushes up quickly from my body, dropping his head and eyes, leaving me gasping and heaving on the bed. He won’t look at me. I rub some life back into my arms, my legs, everywhere, but he refuses to acknowledge the discomfort he’s caused me. He looks worryingly beaten. Where’s this come from?

I scramble to my knees to mirror him and take his hands in mine. ‘You don’t need to be concerned by that because I’ve told you how it is for me,’ I say calmly, reassuringly, quietly relieved that he appears to be as concerned by the potential of separation as I am.

‘Our feelings are irrelevant,’ he says factually. His declaration makes me back up slightly.

‘Of course they’re relevant,’ I argue, a coldness I don’t like settling over me.

‘No.’ He shakes his head and pulls his hands from my grip, leaving mine to fall lifelessly to my thighs. ‘You’re right. I should have let you walk away from me.’

‘Miller?’ I can feel the panic begin to set in.

‘I can’t drag you into my darkness, Olivia. This has to end now.’

My chest is beginning to crack open slowly. I’m making his world light. What’s the matter with him? ‘You don’t know what you’re saying. I’m helping you.’ I try to take his hands again, but he pulls them out of my reach and gets up from the bed.

‘I’ll take you home.’

‘No,’ I whisper, watching as his back disappears into the bathroom. ‘No!’ Jumping up from the bed, I run after him, grabbing his arm and yanking him around to face me. ‘What are you doing?’

‘I’m doing what’s right.’ There’s no feeling, no remorse or sorrow. He’s shut down on me, worse than ever before, the mask fixed firmly in place – no suit required. ‘I should never have let it go this far. I shouldn’t have come back for you.’

‘It?’ I yell. ‘You mean us! There is no
it
, or
you
, or
I
now. It’s
us
!’ I’m falling apart on him, my shaking body refusing to calm – not until he holds me and tells me I’m hearing things.

‘There’s you, and there is me.’ He looks slowly up at me. His blue eyes are empty. ‘There can never be an
us
.’

His cold words stab at my splitting heart. ‘No.’ I refuse to accept this. ‘No!’ I shake him by the arms, but he remains impassive and detached. ‘I’m your habit.’ I start to sob, the tears bursting from my eyes uncontrollably. ‘I’m your habit!’

He pulls his arms away and steps back. ‘Habits are bad for you.’

My chest explodes open, exposing my shattered heart. ‘You’re talking rubbish.’

‘No, I’m talking complete sense, Livy.’ He walks away and steps in the shower, not even flinching as the unheated water pours all over him.

I’m not giving up. There must be something wrong with him. My panic fuels my doggedness and I’m in the shower, pushing at his body as he attempts to shampoo his hair.

‘You don’t get to do this to me again, not now! Not after everything!’

He ignores me and rinses his hair before he’s even really washed it. Then he hastily escapes me, exiting the other side of the shower, but I’m relentless, shouting as I go after him. I’m grabbing at his wet back, trying to stop him, but he shrugs me off, trying to dry himself and fight his way from the bathroom.

I’m deranged, my heart pounding, my body quaking. ‘Miller, please!’ I cry, dropping to my knees and watching him disappear again. ‘Please.’ My head falls into my palms, like darkness and hiding might drag me from my nightmare.

‘Get up, Livy.’ His impatient tone only serves to make me sob harder. ‘Get up!’

I confront his stone-cold face with my tear-drenched eyes. ‘You just made love to me. I’ve accepted you. You wanted me to forget that man and I have.’

‘He’s still here, Livy,’ he grinds harshly. ‘He’s never going away!’

‘He was gone!’ I insist desperately. ‘He’s never here when we’re together.’ That’s not true, and I know it, but I’m falling further into hell and I’ll try anything to claw my way back.

‘Yes, he is,’ he spits, leaning down and pulling my waiflike frame from the floor. ‘I was stupid to think I could do this.’

‘Do what?’

He recoils and releases me, waving up and down my body. ‘This!’

‘You mean feel?’ I smack him on the chest. ‘You mean love?’

His mouth snaps shut and he steps back, clearly fighting to control his twitching body. ‘I can’t love you.’

‘Don’t,’ I murmur pitifully. ‘Don’t say that.’

‘The truth hurts, Olivia.’

‘It’s that woman from last night, isn’t it?’ I ask, her smug face suddenly all I see through my fear. ‘Sophia. What did she say?’

‘It’s got nothing to do with her.’ He stalks from the bathroom, and I know it’s because I’m working my way closer to the issue.

‘Did you really want to stop?’

‘Yes!’ he barks, swinging around and nailing me with incensed eyes, but he soon backs down, realising what he’s said. ‘No!’

‘Yes or no?’ I scream.

‘No!’

‘What’s happened since last night when you came back to bed?’

‘Too fucking much!’ He’s gone from my sight, slipping into the wardrobe. I go after him again and watch as he yanks on some shorts and a T-shirt. ‘You’re young. You’ll get over me.’ He’s refusing to look at me or acknowledge my words, the coward.

‘Do you want me to get over you?’

‘Yes, you deserve more than I can give. I told you from the start, Livy. I’m emotionally unavailable.’

‘And since then you’ve worshipped me and given me everything you’ve hidden from the world.’ I keep my eyes on empty blues, desperately trying to find something in them. ‘You’ve destroyed me.’

‘Don’t say that!’ he yells, guilt clear in his tone and expression. He knows it to be true. ‘I brought you back to life.’

‘Congratulations!’ I scream, outraged. ‘Yes! You did, but the moment I saw light and hope, you’ve cruelly slayed me.’

He recoils at my words that are nothing but truth, and with no worthy response, he passes me to escape his wrongs, ensuring no contact is made. ‘I have to go away.’

‘Where?’

‘Paris. I leave at noon.’

A sharp inhale of breath chokes me. The city of love? ‘You’re going with that woman, aren’t you?’ My heart is completely severed now, the thought of Miller, posh women, restraints, money, and gifts . . .

And all I can see is my mother’s beautiful, selfish face. My face. And now Miller’s face.

He will
not
do this to me! ‘I’ll get over you.’ I straighten my shoulders and watch as he halts at the sound of my even promise. ‘I’ll make sure of it.’

He slowly turns and gives me warning eyes. I couldn’t care less. ‘Don’t do anything stupid, Livy.’

‘You’ve just relinquished your right to make requests, so you’ll forgive me if I choose to ignore you.’ I barge past him, fully aware of what I’m doing and totally prepared to see my threat through.

‘Livy!’

‘Have a nice trip.’ I retrieve my damp dress and throw it on as I make my way through his apartment.

‘Livy, it’s not as easy as just stopping.’ He’s coming after me, the sound of his bare feet slapping on the marble floor behind me getting louder as I hurry to the door. He’s concerned now, my indirect promise spiking his possessive streak. He doesn’t want another man to taste me. ‘Livy!’ I feel him grab my arm, and I swing around, boiling with rage, finding the mask lifting slightly. But the smidgen of hope doesn’t stop me from lashing his cheek with my palm. His head snaps to the side and remains there while I attempt in vain to cool my temper.

‘Yes! You should have let me walk away from you!’ I fire with complete resoluteness. ‘You should have let me forget!’

His face slowly comes back to me. ‘I didn’t want you to remember me like that. I didn’t want you to hate me.’

I laugh, stunned by his selfish motives. He doesn’t care what anyone else thinks of him. But me? I’m different? ‘How honourable of you, but you’ve made a fatal mistake, Miller Hart.’

He looks wary as he drops his hold of me. ‘How?’

‘Because I hate you more now than I ever did when you made me one of your whores! Now you’re just a coward. Now you’re a quitter, a chicken!’ I gulp down some calming breaths, feeling ashamed of my desperate behaviour and begging. He knows how I feel, and I know how he feels, yet he’s the one walking away, when it’s me who would be taking the biggest leap of faith here. It’s me going against all of my rules and morals. It’s me taking on the mountain of flaws this man has. ‘I’ll never let you have me again,’ I vow. ‘Not ever.’ The grit in my tone is a surprise.

‘It’s undoubtedly a good thing,’ he barely whispers, taking another step away from me, like he’s concerned that if I’m within touching distance, he might contradict his words. ‘Be safe, Livy.’

The double meaning in his statement is an insult. ‘I’m safe now,’ I proclaim, turning my back on a man clearly torn and walking away from him for the last time ever.

My despair has vanished at his cowardly words and actions. I know how he feels.
He
knows how he feels – which makes him a weak, spineless coward.

Now all I want to do is hurt him. I want to take the most resilient part of him and destroy it.

Chapter Twenty-Four

It’s past nine at night, and I’m wiped out by overflowing emotion, but my vengeful mind won’t allow me to sleep. I’m being spurred on, encouraged by resentment to stick the knife in and twist it continuously. Four missed calls from William haven’t helped my state of mind. If anything, it’s only encouraged me. I know without question that I’m about to prove him right once and for all. I’m my mother’s daughter.

I no longer have my Ice membership card, but it won’t stop me. Nothing will stop me. Bypassing the short queue, I present myself to the doorman, who performs a sigh of exasperation before granting me access without a word. I strut past him and head straight for one of the bars, taking in my surroundings, the music, the happy atmosphere. The music tonight seems dark, and playing right now is Faithless’s ‘Insomnia’. It’s purposeful. It’s apt.

‘Champagne,’ I order, resting my arse against the bar and gazing around at the blue glow engulfing Miller’s club. It’s rammed full of London’s elite, the usual masses of well-dressed revellers filling every available space, but despite the amount of people closing me in from every direction, I know the security cameras will be focused on me and me alone. Miller will have given Tony the heads-up, and I’ve no doubt the doorman has already advised Tony of my arrival.

‘Miss?’

I turn and accept the glass of champagne, ignoring the strawberry and downing it. Then I immediately demand another. I’m handed a fresh glass and, as I turn, I spot Tony striding across the dance floor in my direction. He looks fuming mad, and knowing what’s about to transpire, I disappear amid the sea of people, taking off towards the roof terrace.

As I make my way up the frosted glass steps, I glance over my shoulder and smile when I see Tony standing where I’ve just fled, looking around in confusion. He leans over the bar and speaks to the barman, who quickly shrugs before tending to a waiting customer. I see Tony bash his fist on the glass counter of the bar and swing around, scanning the club. Smug, I continue on my way until I round the corner and break the threshold of the giant glass wall, finding myself among a sea of people laughing, drinking and chatting, none of them taking a bit of notice of the stunning outlook.

I take a sip of my champagne and wait, and I don’t have to wait for long. I catch the eye of a guy across the terrace and smile coyly before slowly turning away from him to enjoy the view.

‘Alone?’

I leisurely pivot on my heels, coming face to face with him. He’s dressed in dark jeans and a white shirt. My eyes drag the entire length of his body until I’m at his face. It’s a handsome face – clean-shaven and fresh, and his short brown hair is longer on top, combed to the side.

‘You?’ I ask, relaxing in my pose and taking my glass to my lips.

He smiles a little and directs me to the edge of the terrace, his hand resting lightly on the small of my back. There are no internal sparks ricocheting around my body from his touch, but he’s a man and that’s all I need.

‘Danny.’ He leans down and pecks each of my cheeks. ‘You are?’

‘Livy.’ I glance up to the camera and smile as he takes his time introducing himself.

‘Pleasure to meet you, Livy,’ he says as he pulls away. ‘I love your dress.’

I’ve no doubt he loves it. It’s tight and short. ‘Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome.’ His eyes sparkle.

We spend a short while chatting and I reciprocate when he smiles and laughs, finding it easy, but not because I’m attracted to him. It’s because I know cameras are focused on me from every direction, recording everything and saving it for Miller’s eyes once he’s returned from Paris.

‘Is there a protocol you like to follow?’

I struggle to prevent my brow from furrowing in confusion. ‘You mean whether I’d like you to take me for dinner or just take me to bed?’

He smirks. ‘I’m happy to do both.’

My confidence wavers momentarily, but I quickly rein it in. ‘We’ll call the strawberry dinner.’ I tip my flute and catch the fruit, making a point of chewing it slowly and swallowing even slower.

He follows suit and mimics my actions with a knowing smile. ‘It’s a stunning view.’ He tips his empty glass towards the open space beyond, and I follow his indication to look.

‘I agree,’ I muse, ‘but I can think of far better ways to spend the rest of the evening.’ My boldness should stun me, but it doesn’t. I’m on a mission – a dangerous mission. Miller isn’t the only one with a mask. This is too easy.

Turning my eyes back to Danny, my lips tip seductively and he moves in, slowly lowering his face to mine until our lips brush. In an attempt to maintain my cool confidence, I close my eyes and conjure up images of Miller. It’s weak and pathetic, but it’s the only way I’ll see through my cruel actions. Danny’s lips don’t help me achieve my objective; they feel and taste nothing like Miller’s, yet I don’t hold back. I let him kiss me, and I relish only in the knowledge of what this will do to the man I love – the man who I know loves me but is too much of a weak coward to fight for it.

‘My place,’ Danny mumbles against my lips, slipping his palm onto my bottom. I nod against him and he immediately takes my hand to start leading me from the terrace. Miller Hart has ignited a dormant recklessness. I’ve proven William right. I’m my mother’s daughter, and the realisation should send me into meltdown, but the only meltdown I predict is the cold reality of my life without Miller in it. He’s a massive mess of complications and challenges, yet I crave him and all of the obstacles that accompany him.

We take the stairs, me following Danny, until we hit the ground floor. He pushes his way through the crowd, eager to escape the roar of people and gain some privacy. But then he halts and stuns me by kissing me again, humming into my mouth on a sigh. ‘I might do that a few more times before we make it out of here,’ he says, gently pushing his groin into my stomach.

I don’t protest, mainly because I’m jumping all over the fact that there is a camera directly above us, so I wrap my arms around his broad shoulders and let him have his way, my way of saying,
Fine by me
.

Dragging his body from mine, he reclaims my hand and leads on, stopping only a few more paces into his determined stride. But he doesn’t kiss me this time. ‘Excuse me,’ he says, trying to sidestep someone, only for them to move with him. I can’t see who it is. I don’t need to see who it is.

‘You’re not leaving with the girl.’ Tony’s gruff voice makes me sag behind Danny, but it also boosts my resolve.

Danny turns to look at me. ‘Ignore him,’ I say tightly, pushing into his back, encouraging him to move on.

‘Who is he?’

‘No one.’ I take over the lead, tugging a bemused Danny with me. Tony can’t stop me, and that will destroy Miller further.

‘Livy, quit the games.’ Tony’s annoyed growl pulls me to a stop.

‘Who said this is a game?’ I ask shortly.

‘Me.’ He steps forward, flicking warning eyes to a perplexed Danny, who’s since dropped my hand.

Danny laughs. ‘Okay, I don’t know what the craic is, but you can leave me out of it.’ He strides off, leaving Tony and me glaring at each other.

‘Smart guy.’

‘Why do you care?’

‘I don’t.’

‘Then why bother intervening?’

‘Because you’ll get yourself in trouble.’

‘I’ll find someone else,’ I spit, barging past him, my legs like jelly as I make my way back to the bar. ‘Champagne,’ I demand, once I’ve fought my way to the front. Tony appears in front of me on the other side of the bar, shooing away the barman who was set to serve me.

‘You’re not being served any more alcohol.’

My teeth grit. ‘Why don’t you mind your own business?’

He leans over the bar, his own teeth grating. ‘If you realised the damage you’re doing, you’d cut the shit, sweetheart.’

Me? Damage? My temper flares into dangerous territory. If I was operating on resentment before, then now it’s in pure, raw rage. ‘That man has destroyed me!’

‘That man is shackled, Livy!’ he yells, making me recoil. ‘And regardless of what you and he ever thought, you can’t free him.’

‘From what?’ I don’t like the resolve in Tony’s tone or the look on his round face. He sounds too certain.

‘From the invisible chains.’ He speaks in a near whisper, but I hear the words perfectly over the deafening music and crowds. My throat starts to close off. I can’t breathe. Tony is watching me absorb his statement, probably wondering what I’m making of it. I don’t know. He’s talking in code. He’s insinuating that Miller is powerless – a weak man. That’s not true. He’s very powerful, physically and mentally. I’ve experienced both.

I remain silent, mind spinning, body shaking, unsure of my next move. I feel distressed and in the dark, my damn eyes beginning to sting with the onset of hopeless tears.

‘Go home, Livy. Get on with your life and forget you ever met Miller Hart.’

‘Impossible,’ I sob, my face quickly drenched as I lose the battle to retain my grief.

Tony’s body deflates through the mist of water clouding my vision, and he’s suddenly gone, but my body won’t kick into action, leaving me standing at the bar, lost and useless.

‘Come with me.’ I feel a hand gently take my arm and guide me away from the busy bar, through the club, and down the stairs to the maze beneath Ice. Tony’s information, albeit vague and cryptic, indicates this isn’t Miller’s decision.

I stagger and trip in front of Tony, almost disorientated, and when we arrive at the door to Miller’s office, he punches in the code, swings the door open, and guides me to Miller’s desk. He places me carefully in the chair. ‘I don’t want to be here,’ I murmur pitifully, blanking out the comfort I gain from being in one of Miller’s perfectly precise spaces. ‘Why did you bring me here?’ He should have put me in a taxi and sent me home.

Tony shuts the door and turns to face me. ‘There’s something on the desk for you,’ he says with zero enthusiasm, and I can tell it’s because he doesn’t want me to have whatever it is. I cast my eyes across the glossy white surface, seeing the cordless phone in its usual spot, and in the centre of the desk is an envelope, placed so accurately, the bottom flush with the edge of the desk, only Miller could have put it there.

Instinct makes me sink into the leather of his chair, putting distance between the harmless piece of paper and me. I’m cautious and certain that I’m not going to want to read what’s contained inside. ‘From him?’ I ask, not removing my eyes from the envelope.

‘Yes. He stopped by on his way to St Pancras.’

I’m not looking at Tony, but I know he’s just exhaled a silent stream of weary breath. My hand lifts slowly and takes the envelope, which has my full name scrolled across the front in writing I recognise. Miller’s writing. The shakes are unavoidable, no matter how hard I try to control them, as I pull the note from inside. I’m vainly attempting to regulate my breathing, but heart palpitations are making it an impossible task to achieve. I unfold the paper and brush at my eyes to restore my clear vision. Then I hold my breath.

My sweet girl,

How did I know you would end up here? The security cameras have been turned off this evening by my request. If you choose to allow another man to taste you, then it is no more than I deserve, but I could never bear to witness it. Thinking about it is torturous enough. Seeing it could push me to kill. I’ve hurt you and for that I hope I burn in hell when I arrive there. Of all my wrongs, you are my biggest regret, Olivia Taylor. I don’t regret worshipping you or indulging in you. I regret the impossibility of my life and my inability to give you for ever. You must trust me and the decision that I’ve made, and know I’ve made it with a heavy heart. It kills me to say it, but I hope you can forget about me and find a man worthy of your love. I’m not that man.

My fascination will never die, sweet girl. I can deprive my eyes of seeing you and deny my mouth from tasting you. But there is nothing I can do to heal my shattered heart.

Eternally yours,

Miller Hart

‘No,’ I sob, all built-up air in my lungs rushing from my mouth on painful gasps. The
H
of Miller’s name blurs when a tear hits the paper and makes the ink run down the page. The sight of the smudged, distorted letter matches me.

‘Are you all right?’ Tony’s voice breaks into my chaotic thoughts, and I lift my heavy eyes to another person opposed to our relationship. Everyone is hell-bent on breaking us, as I once was, too. And after all of Miller’s loss of temper when he’d feared I’d lapsed in fortitude, it’s now him.

‘I hate him.’ I spit the hurtful words with total sincerity. This letter hasn’t eased the pain. His words are conflicting, making coming to terms with his decision harder to accept. His decision. What about mine? What about me and my willingness to accept him and let him fill me with the strength I need to help him? Or is he beyond help? Is he too close to the depths of hell for me to pull him back? All of these thoughts and questions are only assisting in turning my pain into hatred. After everything we have endured, he shouldn’t get to make this decision on his own. I drop the letter to his desk and stand sharply. He’s hiding. He has hidden all of his life . . . until he met me. He showed me a man I’m certain no one else has seen before. He hides behind manners that defy the brusque, arrogant arsehole and suits that defy the relaxed Miller when we’re lost in each other. He’s a fraud, just like he said.

A red mist engulfs me and I stumble past his desk, practically falling to the drinks cabinet on the other side of his office. I spend a few moments running my eyes across the perfectly placed bottles and glasses, my breathing loud and erratic.

‘Livy?’ Tony sounds close and
very
alarmed.

I scream, deranged, swiping my arm across the surface, sending every perfectly placed item that adorned the unit smashing to the office floor on a loud crash.

‘Livy!’ Tony’s suddenly grabbing at my thrashing limbs, fighting to restrain me as I continue to shriek and battle against him like a woman possessed. ‘Calm down!’

‘Get off!’ I shout, heaving my body from his grasp and sprinting across Miller’s office to the exit. My legs are moving fast, in time to my thundering heart, taking me away from Miller’s perfection, up the stairs and out into the midnight air. I all but throw myself into the road, giving a cab no choice but to stop or run me down. I jump in. ‘Belgravia,’ I pant, slamming the door and watching as Tony barrels out of Ice, his arms flailing violently at the doorman as he watches me pull away. I fall back against the leather, giving my heart time to recover, my forehead hitting the cold glass as I watch a dark London pass by.