One Night with the CEO (18 page)

N
ow there’s a shocker.”

Though she’d responded with sarcasm, she really was shocked. She’d spent the last few days trying to regroup, working through her concerns about their relationship and praying for a solution that wouldn’t require her to end it.
A monumental waste of her time.
“Oh, I get it. All work and no fun makes Mark a very unhappy boy. Is that it?”

“That’s not what this is about.”

“It’s not? Then what
is
this about? Because it seems to me that you’re ready to bolt the minute we come close to acting like a normal couple, with everyday problems, and oh, I don’t know,
issues
.”

Jaw clenched and nostrils flaring, he simply stood there, and as pathetic as it seemed, she was grateful even for that reaction. Without it, she would have seriously questioned whether he had any feelings for her at all.

When several tense seconds had passed, he spoke. “C’mon, Karen. What did you expect? That we’d ride off into the sunset together? You and I both know that was never going to happen.”

“You know what I know? Against my better judgment, I gave us a chance, thinking that we might be able to meet in the middle. I could learn to loosen up a bit maybe, and you could learn to think of someone other than yourself for a change. I should have known that would be asking too much of you.”

When he finally raised his head out of his proverbial ass, he refused to meet her gaze. But she didn’t miss the glazed expression that passed over his face. His callous demeanor caused her stomach to twist. In that moment, she knew without a doubt that she’d been a temporary distraction for him.

Tears threatened to fall down her face, but she blinked several times to stem them. Three months ago, she’d been fine. Had a game plan for her future, and a singular purpose: to succeed in medical school. She’d let her relationship with him threaten her confidence. And because she had so little confidence in other areas of her life, the potential loss of that confidence—in the one aspect of her life where she’d excelled—shook her to the core. And for what? For a fling with someone who would never see her as anything but a plaything.

She glanced down at her hands and cursed them for shaking. Maintaining her composure had never seemed so important before. But despite her best efforts, her eyes watered. She gulped in air, but everything about her apartment stifled her. The dirty dishes in the sink. The pile of laundry judging her from its spot on her favorite armchair. The books strewn across her table. She needed to get her shit together.

She narrowed her eyes, her long lashes damp from the tears she hadn’t been able to hold at bay. “You know, all this time, I’ve chastised myself for being weak, for worrying about what others think of me, for panicking in the face of situations that unnerved me. But you know what? I’m actually really strong. Unlike you, I confront my fears. You, on the other hand? You let your fears consume you.”

He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists at his sides. “This isn’t about me, Karen. Look, you’re a young woman with so much ahead of her. We’re not at the same place in our lives. You need to explore the possibilities. And I’m done with exploring. I did that ten years ago. I’m looking for something permanent.”

When she titled her head to the side, he added, “
Eventually.
”

“Relationships don’t come with blueprints, Mark. And you can’t assume I’ll do something simply because of my age. I’m not a fucking demographic.
I’m a person.
And why do you get to decide what’s good for me?”

He raised his head to the ceiling in exasperation, and despite her nonviolent tendencies, she wanted to punch him in the throat.

“That’s just it, Karen. I don’t get to decide what’s good for you. I get to decide what’s good for me—and you’re not it.”

Her head snapped back as though he’d landed an upper cut to her chin. His words certainly had the same impact.

She groaned and squeezed her temples, finally accepting that she’d been drawn to him for superficial reasons. Tried to create substance where there was none.
What a fucking mess—and it was time to clean it up.
She wiped her tears and blew out a long breath. “This is the point in the conversation where I say I’m sorry.”

Mark tried to catch up with the conversation. “Sorry?”

“Yes, sorry.” Her voice quivered. “I got ahead of myself, and if I’d really been thinking, I would have figured out the problem sooner.”

Disparate thoughts collided in his head.
What the hell was she talking about?
“I’m not sure I’m following you.”

She raised her head to the ceiling and sighed. “Don’t you see? Hero worship. I got so caught up in what you’d been able to draw out of me, I didn’t realize I’d put you on a pedestal.” She gave a bitter laugh. “As though you were the only man in the world who could bring me to satisfying orgasm. In romance books, it’s called magic peen. When a woman thinks a man’s penis is a wand capable of granting her every wish.”

“That’s what you think is going on here?”

“I do. And it was selfish of me to focus on my needs. As if you didn’t have your own shit to work through. I blinded myself to it, or rather the magic peen blinded me to it. Meanwhile, you have issues, Mark. There’s a reason you’re a confirmed bachelor. There’s a reason you’ll never give yourself fully to any woman. Not even the woman you’ll marry someday. So I’m really sorry if I put you in an uncomfortable position of having to deal with your issues
and
mine.”

He stared at her, unable to digest how their relationship had deteriorated so quickly. A part of him wanted to apologize and tell her he’d do and be whatever she wanted. But the less selfish part of him knew he’d only be prolonging the inevitable demise of their relationship.

Nothing about her explanation made sense to him, but it gave him the out he needed. So he took it. “As I said, you’re no good for me. And all that bullshit that just tumbled out of your mouth proves I’m not good for you, either.” He threw open her apartment door. “I’ll see you around, Karen.”

I
n the two weeks after she and Mark parted ways, Karen buried herself in her work, filling every waking moment with tasks that would keep her mind busy. By design, she spared no time to think about him, and when she experienced a lull in her schedule, she read ahead in her classes to fill it.

In that time, Gracie had invited her to lunch, but she’d claimed to be too busy. Gracie being Gracie, she showed up at Karen’s apartment unannounced on a Thursday evening.

“Karen, let me up,” she said through the intercom.

Karen buzzed her in and waited for Gracie at the door. “Why didn’t you call?”

Gracie responded as she climbed the last few steps. “Because I knew you wouldn’t answer. And the last time you were this evasive, you were having a meltdown in college.”

Karen followed her sister into the apartment and watched Gracie inspect the place. “I’m not having a meltdown.” Truth. “I’m fine.” Lie. “I’ve just been busy.” Truth.

Gracie peered at her and shook her head. “You don’t look fine. Come. Sit. Tell me what’s going on.”

So Karen told her about Mark, leaving out the sexy bits.

“I
knew
something was going on between you two. Ethan said I was crazy.”

“You
knew
. How?”

Gracie rolled her eyes. “That embarrassing display at my apartment, that’s how. Mimi knows, too. She only had a dozen photographs of her trip to Puerto Rico on that phone. The rest of the time, she’d been eavesdropping on you. You guys are amateurs. And thanks to you, I’ll never look at flan the same way again.” She shuddered for added effect. “Oh, and if I had any doubts, the fact that Mark never called Sharon was very telling.”

“Yeah, well. He made very clear that I wasn’t the right woman for him.”

“And don’t you think it’s interesting that he completely rebuffed my efforts to set him up with a so-called
right
woman? He’s scared, Karen.”

“I know. But I’m the last person to tackle that issue with him. I have enough on my plate as it is.”

Gracie reached over and squeezed Karen’s hand. “Kar, I understand your desire to focus on school. I really do. But it is possible to be both a medical student and have a relationship. You wouldn’t be breaking new ground here.”

“I know it’s
possible
, but it’s not ideal.”

“Who cares if it’s ideal? And I think you’re wrong about that anyway. Tell me this, have you ever considered that you could have a relationship with someone who would support you while you’re in medical school? That having someone to lean on, or to get you through the tough times, might be a good thing.”

Karen thought of Pasha, who managed her medical school career with two kids and a husband. She’d assumed Pasha excelled at school in spite of her family, but it occurred to her that it was possible, if not likely, that Pasha succeeded because of it. “I hear you, Gracie. I do.”

Gracie threaded their hands together. “Just know that you don’t have to do this alone.”

But for the first time in her life, that’s exactly how she felt: alone.

The next day, Professor Haines asked to see her after gross anatomy class,

“Ms. Ramirez, we haven’t posted the results of the retake yet, but I just wanted to commend you on your performance. You received the highest score in the class.”

Karen took a deep breath and smiled. “Thank you, Professor Haines. I don’t think I’ve ever studied that much for an exam.”

“Well, it showed. And perhaps your first score was just the kick in the pants you needed. I can tell by your comments and questions in class that you’ll be an excellent student. Keep it up. We’ll post the results tomorrow. You’ll get your lab assignment then as well.”

“Great. Thanks again.”

Karen practically danced out of the lecture hall. Until she realized the practical effect of her grade on the exam: she was headed to the lab. A rite of passage for any first-year medical student, gross anatomy lab would require her to dissect a human cadaver. Haines expected the students to use a scalpel on a deceased person and speak coherently about the anatomical structures of that person’s body.

Her lab group would “meet” the cadavers next week. Some students, she knew, would name them in an effort to humanize the experience; others would make crass jokes to hide their discomfort. Karen anticipated that she wouldn’t even be able to enter the lab. And then what? She would fail the class, that’s what. In fact, Karen questioned whether she’d ever be able to do it—and when she considered seeking someone’s advice on how to handle it, only one person came to mind: Mark.

But she’d left him with the impression that she had only one use for him: to fulfill her physical needs. True, he hadn’t believed her. While the notion had a certain surface appeal, she knew now that it was complete and utter bullshit, just as he’d suspected. She loved him. But he didn’t want her love. Still, might they be able to move beyond their history and learn to be friends again? She hoped so, because she really needed him.

In a panic, she sat on her couch and picked up her cell. The desire to hear his voice was so great, her hands shook as she punched in his office number.

Expecting to hear his assistant’s voice, her heart banged against her chest when he picked up on the second ring.

“This is Lansing.”

Her voice, soft and raspy, savored the opportunity to speak his name. “Mark.”

The silence stretched for more seconds than she could bear, so she filled it with her own voice. “Just listen, okay?”

He cleared his throat. “I’m listening.”

“I don’t think either one of us is free from blame here, but I wanted to say sorry for suggesting that you were nothing more to me than a warm body. You were much more to me than that. I can’t pretend to understand your reasons for not wanting to work things out, but I respect your decision. More than anything, though, I realize I’ve lost a great deal by not having you as my friend.”

“Thanks for saying that. And I apologize for my part in this. I’d like us to be friends, too.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Unable to remain in one place, she paced her living room. “Gross anatomy’s not as bad as I thought it would be.”

“Did Netter’s book help?”

“Not really.”

He laughed.

“I’m having a bit of a freak-out about meeting my first human cadaver next week.”

“Damn. I’m not sure I could do that.”

“I’m not sure I can do it, either.”

“Afraid you’re going to freeze up?”

This is what she missed: He understood her without her having to explain much at all. “Yeah.”

“These cadavers. They’re donated, right? By the deceased persons themselves, or by their families, right?”

“Yes.”

“And presumably they donate them precisely so brilliant minds like yours can make a difference.”

“Yes, I think so.”

“So by cutting into that cadaver, you’re granting their last wish for themselves. You and the cadaver are partners in this, if you will. Maybe if you thought about it like that, it would help.”

The more she thought about it in that way, the more she warmed to the idea. “Yeah. You might be on to something. Thanks.”

“Good luck next week. I’ll be sending you good vibes, and I know you’ll be great.”

“Thanks, Mark.”

“Take care, Karen.”

He’d never doubted her ability to succeed, not once. She needed a friend like him in her life. And if her heart broke a little knowing what might have been, she’d get over it. Eventually.

Mark’s hand shook as he placed the receiver in its cradle. Hearing Karen’s voice had floored him. He imagined seeing her in person would be twice as hard.

Running a hand through his hair, he stood and paced his office, the room suddenly too small for the thoughts bouncing around in his head. He’d done the right thing by pushing her away, but knowing that didn’t make him miss her any less.

His gaze landed on his chair, and he pictured Karen’s as she straddled him in that very spot. Dammit. What he needed was to get away from the office. And he needed to check on his father, who wasn’t returning his calls.

He hit the intercom. “Nicole, please cancel my afternoon appointments.”

Two hours later, Mark arrived at his father’s home on Kent Island. The modest cottage was situated on the waterfront. What it lacked in amenities it more than made up for with its gorgeous views. Mark walked onto the screened front porch and found the front door unlocked. “Dad?”

Nothing.

“Dad? Where are you?”

Mark wandered the halls. The hardwoods gleamed, and fresh flowers sat on the kitchen counter. His father had even drawn the curtains in the living room, letting the natural sunlight in. His father rarely paid attention to such niceties. Each of these changes must have resulted from his mother’s influence.

Mark peeked into the kitchen alcove, expecting to see his father sipping a cup of coffee, but he wasn’t there, either. He did find him sitting by the bay window in his bedroom, however, a closed book in his hand.

“Hey, Dad.”

His father didn’t turn around. He simply stroked the spine of the book and stared out the window. “Hey, son.”

“Everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine.”

Mark stepped into the room and sat on the edge of his father’s bed. “I’ve been calling and couldn’t reach you. Thought I’d check to make sure you were alive.”

His father didn’t laugh as Mark had expected.

“Sorry. I’ve been preoccupied. Haven’t been checking my phone.”

Now he got it. Paul often went off the grid when he was working on a journal article. Had Mark been thinking clearly, he would have realized this was one of those times. “The place has Lisa’s touch. It’s nice. Was she here this weekend?”

“She was, but she won’t be coming back.”

The statement sucked the air out of him. He’d heard a version of that phrase before, more than two decades ago, in fact, and its impact was no less devastating today than it had been then. But this time he hurt for his father. “What happened, Dad?”

“She’s decided to go back to that man…her ex-husband.”

“Richard.”

“Right. Richard.”

“I take it you had no choice in the matter.”

His father looked over his shoulder. “Bingo.”

Mark rose from the bed and placed a hand on his father’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

Mark cocked his head back. Maybe he’d misheard his father. “Sorry? What are you sorry for?”

“I’m sorry for falling in love with such a selfish woman. She’s never put anyone first in her life but herself. All these years I’ve blamed myself for her decision to leave. Told myself I had no business trying to stifle someone so young, so unsure of who she wanted to be. But your mother will never change. She leaves because she wants to, because it’s always been about her. Our needs never figured into the equation.”

The weariness in his father’s voice made Mark want to throw something. All these years, he’d assumed his father had picked the wrong kind of person: too young and unsettled to know what she wanted. He realized now he’d been wrong on too many levels to count. His mother hadn’t been the wrong kind of person for his father; she’d simply been the wrong person for anyone. Because what mattered to her always came first. And it struck him then that he and his father had settled into the shadows of their mother’s desertion, letting it define them rather than letting it define
her
.

He pictured Karen’s tear-streaked face as she accused him of discounting their relationship because of what he predicted she would do, of pushing her away to protect himself. Her assessment had been dead-on.

He laid a hand on his father’s shoulder. “Dad, we’re going to be okay. We’re better off without her.”

And it hit him then: He wasn’t better off without Karen, though. Which raised the important question: What was he willing to do about it?