Only Love (10 page)

I stared at her on the other side of the blanket we shared, laid out in the middle of the living room. She went back and forth between playing with her stuffed animal and digging her hand into the bowl of dry Cheerios I gave her to snack on until lunchtime. I stared at her while her eyes danced over the colorful moving objects on the television screen. She was a perfect collaboration of Javi’s and my genes all meshed together, creating the beautiful, chubby face before me. It seemed like she was growing more and more each day and he was missing it all—her first smile, her first word, her first step—but not because he wanted to. He was missing all of this because he wanted to change, to be a better man for Rissa and me, and his effort wasn’t lost on me.

Back in the day, in high school when we initially hooked up, the sun seemed to rise and set on Javi—he was
everything
to me. My grandparents hated that I fell for someone with his reputation, but I did. I couldn’t help myself. There was always something about him that did it for me. That same something that stopped me a couple nights ago from going further with Adam. While it seemed to most that I was alone, unattached, that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Yeah, Javi and I had our problems, but we were still technically together.

He joined the military within days of me finding out I was pregnant with Rissa. I’d teetered back and forth, wondering when and how to tell him I was expecting, but ultimately decided to keep the news to myself until a few days before he was scheduled to leave for Basic Training. My fear was that if I told him too soon, he’d choose to stay here, stay in the city where his vices had continually been his downfall and he’d end up dead on a street corner or in jail before Marissa even came into the world. That was the path he was headed down. So, instead of letting him risk his life to be here to help me raise her, I chose to let him clean up his life so he could return as a better father for Rissa. A better man in general.

For the better part of a year, he’d been deployed in Afghanistan, something I tried to think about as little as possible. He called when he could, but lately, with things between us being so strained, I hadn’t been answering like I should’ve. My life here was difficult and it was hard to deny that some of the hardship was directly because of decisions Javi had made—debt, no savings whatsoever, and the list only goes on and on. And as much as I tried to put our issues aside, I couldn’t forget all we’d been through just because of the fact that he was overseas. The things he had done still mattered. Still hurt.

Rissa pointed at my cell on the coffee table with enthusiasm as it rang.

“That’s right, baby. That’s mommy’s phone.” I crawled the few feet to reach it and stared at the ID.

Unavailable.

That could only be Javi. My eyes shifted to Rissa and today I saw more of
him
than
me
, and my heart softened a bit. It was seeing him through our daughter’s face that made me answer for the first time in almost two weeks.

“Hey.”

Before saying a word in return, Javi breathed a long sigh of relief. “I’m glad you picked up. I miss you so much.”

I lowered my gaze to my lap and said nothing. I’d missed him, too, but things with us were so messed up. So…
complicated.

“How have you been? How’s my baby girl? Did you tell her what I said?” He rambled quickly, sounding as if he wanted to get everything out that he had to say in case I changed my mind about talking to him and hung up.

I nodded as if he could see me. “I’m good. And she’s doing good, too. And yes, I told her.”

Through the phone, I could practically hear Javi’s anguish. He really did miss us, but my fear was that when he came back home, had Rissa and I, he’d forget how hard it was being away from us, take us for granted, and revert back to his old ways. For that reason, I remained somewhat reserved. At least that’s why I was
telling
myself I was holding back. Deep down, I knew there was more to it, though. A certain someone had made me wonder what it would be like to move forward with my life—let go of my shaky past with Javi and explore a future with someone who seemed to have at least some semblance of stability in his life. On cue, I could feel Adam’s lips on mine like the kiss had just happened, reminding me of all I’d run away from a few nights before.

“I can’t wait to see you guys. It’s been a long time since I got pictures,” Javi commented. His statement reminded me it
had
been a while since I’d sent him anything.

“I take pictures of her all the time. I’ll email you all the ones I have later,” I promised.

“Thanks. I can’t wait to see em’.” There was a long pause before Javi spoke again. “So, what’s going on? With us, I mean. You don’t pick up the phone when I call. You don’t respond to my messages.” He paused again. “I know it’s hard for you being alone out there and all, but babe, I’m doing this for
us
. Not just myself.”

And I knew he was. It was just that, even with him being away, things just kept popping up, things he’d done that ultimately affected us as a unit. Not just him alone. That was the way it’d always been. He’d make these notoriously horrendous decisions—purchasing clothes and shoes when bills needed to be paid, loaning his boys money knowing we’d never get it back, getting caught up in different types of illegal activity for the quick payout—and then he’d play dumb when it all blew up in our faces. However, I was trying to stop being negative. Maybe he really had changed.

“I know you are, Javi, it’s just that…”

“You know how much I love you, right?” he asked, cutting me off before I could finish.

I hesitated. “Yeah, I know.”

“Then will you trust me when I say I’m trying? I swear I am. I know I didn’t always do the right things in the past, but I’m trying to make it right. All I need is for you to be patient with me. I need you to give me time to prove myself.”

I didn’t say anything, mostly because I’d given him ample time to get his act together and that was fine when it was just me. However, I had Rissa to think of now, too.

“Aubrey, please. I feel you giving up on me,” he pleaded. At the sound of his desperation, my heart softened a bit.

“Javi—”

“Please, babe,” he added.

While I deliberated, Rissa stood and walked over to me, plopping down in my lap. She leaned the back of her head against my chest and toyed with the bracelet on my wrist that Javi had given me years ago while she zoned out on her cartoons.

“Okay,” I conceded, shutting my eyes after I had, realizing that agreeing to work on us meant I couldn’t see Adam in the capacity I had the other night. Clearly, there was sexual tension between us, and I was definitely starting to like him. So, for that reason, I’d have to stay away.

Again, Javi breathed a sigh of relief. “I only have about six more months over here. And I promise, as soon as I get home, I’m gonna show you I’m different. I promise.”

He’d made many promises over the years, but I hoped he’d actually keep this one.

“Can I talk to Rissa before I have to go?” he asked.

“Of course.” I switched the call to speakerphone. “She can hear you.”

“Hey, baby! Daddy misses you!” Javi said into the phone, causing Rissa’s face to light up right away. She hadn’t seen him but twice in her life—for Christmas and for a few days last summer—but she knew that voice. She all but snatched the phone out of my hand.

Javi laughed when he heard her panting in the phone, trying to talk back to him. My heart wrenched in my chest as I tried to imagine what it must be like for him to be all the way over there while she continued to grow and change without him. The long pause while he gathered himself on the other end let me know my assumption was probably dead-on.

“Daddy’s gonna be home real soon, okay? And when I get there, you, me, and Mommy are gonna be a family.” His voice broke just a little, so he stopped talking. He’d never been one to deal in emotions, which made it that much harder to hear him struggling with this.

“I love you, Marissa. Daddy loves you,” he repeated, wanting to make sure she heard.

She gurgled a few broken syllables into the phone and then I took it back.

“I’ll send you the pictures right now,” I said, all of a sudden feeling a sense of urgency to do so after hearing how badly he was missing her. I picked Rissa up and set her in her playpen before leaving the room to head to the computer. While I traipsed down the hall, Javi remained silent on the other end.

“Are you all right?” I asked hesitantly.

He cleared his throat and then replied with a cool, “Yeah, I’m fine,” which I knew to be a lie.

I took to the desk chair and waited while my computer came to life. Clicking the Internet icon, I stared at the screen as it loaded, only to see an alert that I had no Internet connection. I frowned, leaned over to make sure the cords were all connected properly to the router, and then tried clicking the icon again.

Nothing.

That’s when I realized there was no Internet connection because they finally shut it off due to the fact that I couldn’t pay the bill. Seeing as how my phone service had been limited too for the same reason, I couldn’t even send the pictures
that
way.

“I won’t be able to send them for a couple weeks,” was all I said.

“Why? What’s up?”

I sighed heavily. “Apparently I don’t have Internet service anymore. Couldn’t pay the bill and now they shut me off,” I admitted.

Javi was quiet. “I’ll send you some more money in a day or two. How much you need?”

I wanted to say
‘none’
, but that wasn’t the truth. He sent money for food monthly, and a little extra so I could take care of Rissa’s needs, but that was it. Because that was all I’d
let
him do. With things between he and I being so shaky, I didn’t want money to ever be a thing between us—an excuse for staying, something to be thrown back in my face if we didn’t work out, or a crutch. So, I made it clear to Javi when he started sending cash home that I only wanted what Rissa was owed. Nothing more.

“I can handle it,” I asserted, deciding to stick to my guns.

He sighed into the phone. “Why are you always so hard on people when they try to help you?” he asked, already knowing the answer to his question. “I’m sending you a few hundred so you can get the bills straightened out. Use it. Don’t use it. But either way it’ll be there in a couple days.” He wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I sat back in the desk chair and folded my arms over my chest. Someone in the background said something to Javi and he replied respectfully, sounding as if this person was in a position of authority over him.

“Babe, I gotta go, but I’ll call back when I can. Love you.”

I hesitated to respond, but I don’t think enough time passed for Javi to notice it. “Love you, too.”

I prepared myself to see Aubrey this morning, but it had been naïve of me to think I actually could prepare myself. She opened her door and it took a moment for my brain to catch up, to poke at my lungs to make them pump air, make them breathe. She had on a pair of ripped up jeans, exposing the skin of her knees, and a loose-fitting tank top that dropped lazily on her body, hugging only her breasts before draping. I imagined her swaying in it, her tummy exposed because of it. Her hair rested in thick curls on her shoulders and the urge to touch, wrap my finger around the tiny coils while I brought her closer to me by her hip, itched at my fingers. I didn’t do any of that, bring her closer, and the surprise in her eyes at my presence only reminded me why. I hadn’t seen her in days, not since I kissed her, and I knew between the two of us it wasn’t me who’d been doing the avoiding.

She blinked her curly brown lashes, gripping her door as she had yet to open it the whole way. “Adam,” she said, moving her hand from the door to rub the back of her neck. “What are you doing here?”

I noticed she didn’t ask how I’d been, if I often thought about that night, that kiss, her…

I pushed my hands into my pockets, not choosing to ignore the clear elephant in the hall between us completely, but let it go for long enough to answer her question first. “I’m here to pick up Gabby.”

“Gabby?”

I nodded. “For school. She asked if it wouldn’t be a problem for me to take her on my way to work from now on. I ran into her last night.”

Actually it was
she
who ran into
me
during my rounds—late during my rounds. I didn’t like that, at all, and I especially didn’t like where I caught her coming from. It wasn’t her apartment or even her floor. Since I moved here, people definitely kept quiet around me, kept things quiet, but that routine never stayed for long once folks got comfortable. I was well aware of the rumors; whispers as I kept my ears always open. Narcotics were definitely present in this building, and I had my suspicions of the location of the dealer. That very apartment was where I caught Gabby, of all people, sneaking out of at an ungodly hour. She’d been flustered when she saw me, making quick conversation about how I was. I couldn’t dig any further as she said she was tired and immediately asked me if I wouldn’t mind taking her to school. I said okay, of course, and when she told me why, I found I couldn’t linger on where I discovered her that night. The reason had concerned Aubrey.