Open In Private (6 page)

She felt her eyes widen in surprise, the same shock that ran rampant through her reality. "What do you mean?"

"Maybe it would be better if we stepped back for a little bit and took a fresh look at what's going on." He placed a tender kiss on her lips, allowing the physical contact to linger for a moment. "I'll call you."

She watched in stunned silence as he walked out the front door. She heard his car start, but it seemed like several minutes before she heard him drive away. Almost as if he had sat there for a while considering his options.

****

Black Friday…the day after Thanksgiving when shoppers lined up in front of stores to take advantage of the before-Christmas sales. Carli had made of point of never doing her shopping on that day. She preferred to avoid the crush of the crowds, shopping online for some items and going to specialty stores for other items.

But this year,
Black Friday
had a different connotation. Rather than the original meaning of it being the day retailers operated
in the black
at total profit for the rest of the year, for her it represented a dark and depressing emotional low point in her life. A place she never thought she would be again.

It had been one week since Parker walked out her door, one week since she had seen him. True to his word, he had called her. In fact, he had called twice, but each conversation had been brief and awkward. He had basically asked how she was then engaged in meaningless chit-chat for a couple of minutes. He had given no hint of what was really on his mind.

She felt as if she were in some sort of limbo. Had he thought about her even half as much as her thoughts had centered on him? One minute she found herself vowing she would do whatever it took to get him back, to have a committed relationship with the most desirable man she had ever known. But getting him back implied that at one time she had him.

Then the next minute, she decided it was better this way, to break it off now rather than becoming even more involved by pursuing something that would eventually break her heart when it fell apart. Maybe a committed relationship and ultimately that happily-ever-after were only a fairy tale and not part of real life. She slowly shook her head as the despondency settled over her. How could something that seemed so right suddenly be so wrong?

Brushing aside her despair, she turned her attention to her own personal
day-after-Thanksgiving
ritual—decorating her house and yard for Christmas. Hopefully, that would lift her spirits and put her in a holiday mood. She separated all her decorations into two groups, inside decorations stacked in the living room and outside decorations in their boxes on the porch. She wanted to do something different this year rather than repeating the same style from previous years. She wanted some sort of change in her life.

Sadness invaded the moment as her thoughts returned to Parker and their one—and apparently only—night of heated passion. She had believed he would be that change in her life until the cruel light of dawn dashed all those hopes. Now, she had only an empty spot inside her, a memory of what could have been, and no idea of how to fill that emptiness.

As much as she tried to figure it out, she could only come up with one reason why he had behaved as he had—things had moved too quickly and truly scared him. He simply wasn't ready yet. And when the time arrived that he was ready, would he think of her as anything other than a business associate and one of several women who ended up being temporary sex partners? A single tear ran down her cheek and a sob caught in her throat.

She forced all the negative thoughts aside and concentrated her efforts on doing her Christmas decorating.

The weather had turned cold and windy, a perfect day to stay inside with a fire in the fireplace. She put some logs on the grate, added kindling underneath, and lit it. It didn't take long for the logs to catch and produce a crackling fire. She stood in front of the flames and warmed her hands, but it didn't warm the icy fear clinging to her.

The next three hours passed quickly but without enthusiasm. She surveyed the scene, evaluating what she had accomplished so far. Everything in the dining room met with her satisfaction—festive holiday candles, pinecones, and fresh greenery carefully placed on the long dining table and the sideboard.

She quickly scanned the living room, the place where she wanted to make some changes. The traditional mantle decorations handed down through her family were in place. But what could she do with the rest of the room that would be different, using the decorations she already had? Maybe if she rearranged the furniture to make room for the Christmas tree in the alcove rather than in front of the large picture window where she had always put it.

With a total lack of enthusiasm, she moved the small table and reading lamp out of the alcove. She heaved a heavy sigh of resignation, then headed back to the alcove to struggle with her favorite reading chair.

The doorbell stopped her half way across the room. A wave of irritation rippled through her in response to the unwanted interruption. She was in no mood for company, especially her neighbor two doors down the street who seemed to always be out of something and needed to borrow from her
just until she could get to the store
. There had been so many times Carli wanted to suggest that she go to the store now. Or better yet, tell her next time to make sure she had all the ingredients before she started cooking something. And today was definitely one of those times.

She took a calming breath to settle her annoyance, then opened the door.

Shock…elation…anger. She stared in stunned silence when her gaze landed on Parker. Frozen to the spot, unable to move, incapable of doing anything other than continuing to stare. Confusion ran rampant. Her heartbeat jumped into high gear. She experienced a shortness of breath. Was it possible for him to be even more desirable than when she last saw him a week ago?

"May I come in?" He flashed a sexy smile even though his eyes held a degree of uncertainty, something akin to hesitation. In spite of that, the sound of his smooth voice lulled her into a state of compliance. She stepped aside and motioned him in.

Parker closed the door behind him. He immediately noticed her nervousness, a condition matching his own anxiety. So many times during the last week, he had started toward her house, then changed his mind. He wanted the feel of her body next to his, to have her folded in his embrace, to taste her lips. But instead, he had settled for phoning her twice and not saying anything relevant. And now, he fought his urge to pull her into his arms and claim her mouth as his with an all-consuming kiss.

"I'm, uh, surprised to see you. Why are you here?" Her voice carried a full measure of apprehension.

"You told me you always spend the Friday after Thanksgiving putting up your Christmas decorations, so I assumed you'd be home. I probably should have called first, but I didn't want to give you the opportunity to duck out and not be here." He offered what he hoped looked like a teasing grin, but it felt more awkward than anything else.

"Well, as you can see…" She gestured, indicating the mess of boxes and paper, decorations strewn around the living room, and pieces of furniture out of place. "That's what I'm doing."

"I thought you might need some help." He nervously shifted his weight from one foot to the other as he took off his jacket, looked around, then draped it across the back of the sofa. "Why are you rearranging the furniture?"

"I decided to put the tree in the reading alcove this year. Something to break with the traditional spot in front of the picture window. I wanted some change, a break from the same old routine I seem to have accepted as my life, and I thought this would be a good place to start."

Did her comment have a deeper meaning than what it seemed on the surface? Or was his guilt poking at him again? "That should look very nice." Mindless chatter. He didn't seem to be able to say anything meaningful. He thought he had the words together until the moment she opened the door and he drank in every nuance of her physical presence. Then his fears kicked in, preventing him from saying what he had intended. He wanted to tell her about his feelings, not just surface things but the emotional upheaval he had been through since he left her house a week ago. He wanted to share it all with her—his fears, anxieties, concerns, realizations, and ultimate decisions.

But instead, he stood there like some tongue-tied schoolboy, babbling inane and insipid ramblings about furniture.
Oh, I see you're rearranging the furniture. Yes, the Christmas tree will look nice in the alcove. Isn't that a nice warm fire you have going. It sure feels nice on this wintry day. Nice…nice…nice
.
Blah…blah…blah. What a pile of shit.

She was all he had thought about for a week. As she had just said, a life change from the same old routine. A life change from a bad marriage. A life change from the day-to-day limbo he had been in for the last seven months. A life change from an unfulfilled life. But now he couldn't find the words to tell her.

"Let me help you." He grabbed the large over-stuffed chair in the alcove. "Where would you like this?"

"I think maybe over there," she pointed to the location, "on the other side of the fireplace."

He positioned the chair where she indicated, and she placed the small table and reading lamp next to it.

Another three hours passed as they rearranged the living room furniture. There had been very little conversation and what they had managed felt more strained than natural. He had to make things right. But how?

When they finished, she stood at the front door and surveyed the effect. "My original intention was to clear out the alcove to make room for the Christmas tree. I hadn't intended to rearrange the entire living room, but I like the results."

"I do, too." He reached out and took her hand. Then he pulled her into his arms. The temptation had been too great. He could no longer fight the desire. He felt her initial hesitation, then she just melted into his embrace without saying anything. He held her tenderly with her head cradled against his shoulder.

"Sometimes unexpected changes are what's needed." His emotion-laden words came out in a whisper. "Sometimes life needs a complete shake up, something to open our eyes to new possibilities."

A renewed awareness of the joys of life flowed through his veins, touching every part of his existence. "For the last week, I've been doing battle with my fears, trying to figure out what's real as opposed to my self-doubts. And part of those fears was about new things and even more changes to my life. I've wrestled with my uncertainties, my concerns about repeating my mistakes. I wallowed in extended periods of self-pity. I analyzed the disintegration of my marriage. Any love I once had for Brenda has long ago ceased to exist, but I still tried to figure out what had gone wrong, what I could have done differently. I don't want to repeat my mistakes. As philosopher George Santayana said, 'Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.' And the one thing I kept coming up with was the fact that I had rushed into my relationship with Brenda too quickly. We didn't take the time to really know each other."

He paused for a moment, not sure of what else to say. "Or more accurately, I didn't know her, didn't know who she really was. I only knew the side she showed me…what turned out to be a carefully crafted and calculated persona." The words carried all the pain of betrayal churning inside him. "Even sex. When we were dating, she seemed to enjoy it, but after we were married, it became a very regimented world of missionary only with no regard for the fact that I enjoy variety."

"Oh, Parker…I had no idea what you were going through."

"To put it as simply as possible, what I was feeling toward you scared the hell out of me. I didn't want to lead you on with false promises or to even allude to what might be when I didn't have a clue."

He placed a caring kiss on her lips, brief but filled with emotion. He framed her face in his hands, brushed his mouth against hers again, then took control. His tongue darted between her pliable lips, twining and meshing with hers. He wrapped his arms around her body, holding her tightly. Her taste filled his senses, conveying the heat of her desires. She wound her arms around his neck and fully embraced the building passion.

Almost quicker than his mind could sort out the sequence of events, pieces of clothing lay strewn across the floor in a path leading to the bedroom. They had landed in the middle of her bed, Parker on his back and Carli on top of him.

With one hand, he cupped her ass, and with the other, he caressed her shoulders and back. He reveled in the smooth texture of her skin, the perfect curve of her ass. He twined his tongue with hers, lost in the all-consuming clutches of lust. Blood rushed hot and fast through his veins, heating every part of his body. Her heartbeat reverberated against his chest. His cock twitched to full erection, thick and hard, seeking out her pussy.

Sex had not been his intention when he knocked on her front door. But, like a force of nature with its own momentum, neither of them seemed capable of stopping the rush. But one thought continued to circulate in the back of his mind, something that could not wait. He broke the kiss just long enough to gasp the breathless words.

"Please tell me you're on some kind of birth control."

"Yes, I'm on the pill." Her words were as labored as his. "But that's not the only concern—"

"I'm healthy, I assure you." He fought to bring his breathing under control and slow everything down. He brushed a tender kiss against her mouth. "It's easy to just say that based on an assumption, but this is much too important. Three months ago, after I'd been
dating
again for a while, I had myself tested. I would never put you at risk."

Carli maneuvered off his body and snuggled next to him. The heated moment of unchecked sexual frenzy had calmed, leaving an opening for more rational thinking. "You didn't make that
spontaneous
grab for condoms before you left home?" As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted saying them. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that the way it came out. I wasn't making an accusation."