Open Your Eyes (21 page)

Chapter Forty-three

Natalie

Leaving Nick after our final goodbye was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Harder than ending my marriage, harder than childbirth, harder than losing a loved one. Because
something inside me died
a little that day. I had to bury this feeling, hide it under every other emotion. It was the only way I would survive giving up Nick’s love.

As soon as I got back home again, I had a long bath, soaking in the tub for over an hour, formulating plans in my head of how my life would work going forward.

My heart ached, throbbing dully in my chest, but I bit back the tears.
I had made my choice.
I was going back to Gabriel and my family. I couldn’t afford to feel sad or have regrets. This was what I always wanted,
wasn’t it?
Our family back together.

Then why the hell d
oes a part of me feel so empty?

I
t took almost all of my energy to shake the sadness off. I was determined to make this work. To make it better than it had been before. I had to push forward before I changed my mind.

More than anything,
I wanted to make up for the lost time with Gabriel. All those wasted years. I had been in the prime of my life and I wasted them being bitter and disappointed. I had allowed anger to block my emotions, to shut me down. It was time to throw off those shackles and to live my life to the fullest again.

Gabe and I were learning together. To listen to one another. To really see one another. To be happy…
And ironically it was all thanks to Nicholas Gallagher. Because Nick taught me not only how to give without restraint, but also to receive with grace. How strange that I had a fleeting love affair to thank for fixing my broken down marriage. It was bittersweet.

New Gabriel was patient and kind. I really liked him.

Gabe had prepared a healthy dinner of salmon with steamed broccoli and asparagus and was just dressing the salad when I walked into the dining room. Even though I had been in the bath for two long hours, he didn’t comment. Instead he lit the candles and pulled out my chair. Little things that the
old
Gabriel would never have considered doing.

He raised an eyebrow as he held the bottle of wine over my glass and I nodded. I needed a bit of fortification before I told Gabe my decision.

We ate slowly, Gabe talking most of the time. If he noticed that I was distracted, he didn’t complain, instead he tried to make me laugh at his silly comments.

Finally I was ready to talk.

“Gabe,” I breathed softly, my tone solemn.

He stopped midsentence and gazed at me, his head cocked to one side. He still knew me well enough to know something weighty was coming up. His brow knitted and a fine mist of sweat broke out on his forehead. He rubbed his hand over his face. Suddenly he looked very tired.

My stomach clenched and my hand trembled as I laid the serviette down. His eyes, large and sober, bored into me, willing me to speak.

I chose my words carefully
. “I've considered everything you have said over the last few weeks. It's not something I have taken lightly. Starting over will be difficult for both of us.
I'm not sure exactly if it will ever work between us again
. So much hurt and anger has been a part of our lives these past few years…”

His voice was gruff and thick when he spoke
. “Nat, what are you saying?” He placed his hand over mine, panic in his eyes. “Please don’t tell me…is it….bad news?” He rubbed at his heart with his wrist, the corners of his mouth turned downwards.

“I've decided to give us another shot – to try again,” I blurted, anxious to wipe the angst from his face and mind.

The look of elation on his face blew me away. In all the years of knowing Gabriel I had never seen such joy in his eyes. Not when we got married or when he clinched a big deal. Not even when our babies were born.

“You won't regret it; that I can promise you. I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you.” He smiled from under his impossibly long lashes as he raised my hand to his mouth and kissed the tips of my fingers. “
I want to be the man you need me to be
.”

***

From that day on life was good: we fell into a natural rhythm, doing things together that we had never done before. From simple things like washing dishes and preparing meals and folding towels; to bigger things like taking a walk along the beach hand in hand and going to a movie of my choice, even if it was a chic flick; to the biggest things like talking about our future and growing old together.

We joined a gym and did scheduled workouts together. We figured it was better to actively take care of our health, exercising more and eating healthier food too.

“Look, I made you a cup of tea, brewed exactly the way you like it,” he bragged, extremely pleased with himself as he set it down on my desk. It brought a smile to my lips and I thanked him profusely.
Typical male, expecting praise for the smallest of tasks.

“Ah, that smells heavenly,” I chirped more and more often as I walked through the front door.
He made dinner when I occasionally had to attend a late meeting, even lighting candles for the occasion. What happened to: ‘I can't see what I'm eating’ whenever I’d planned a romantic dinner with candlelight?

When he started doing the washing, hanging it on the line exactly the way I
liked it, I simply had to ask, “Hey, where the hell is the
real
Gabriel? And what have you done with him?”

He grinned
. “You really want him back? He was a dickhead. You deserve so much better. Why would you want him back?” There was a serious undertone to his voice.

He finally got it.

“Oh, I really appreciate the new Gabriel,” I laughed softly.

“Really?” he asked, a bit too brightly.

“Yeah. Really. Pity it took a heart attack to bring out the new Gabriel.”
Oops!
That’s harsh.

“I deserved that,” he said with a sheepish grin on his handsome face.

The old Gabriel would not have reacted to my comment as agreeably. His usual reaction would have been: ‘There you go again, saying what a useless asshole I am’ as he slammed the door on his way out and stormed off to his man cave, not to be seen for several hours, playing his music loudly like a petulant teenager as if to block everything out.

Whatever I
’d said, Gabriel always interpreted it as accusations directed at him. Which meant that the next time we argued I’d bite my tongue, holding back the angry words. Words that would fester and grow into two-headed monsters, waiting to be unleashed. We both withdrew deeper into ourselves, raising the walls around our hearts till they were impenetrable.

It got to the point where we hardly spoke to one another except for the usual pleasantries or essentials
. “What’s for dinner tonight?” and “Want me to throw a steak on the barbeque?” Or “Where are the kids off to tonight again?”

And I would stick to safe topics too
. “What sport is on this weekend?” and “Have you paid the telephone bill yet?” Or “Would you please bring milk on your way home from work?”

Pleasantries. Emotionally devoid. Safe. Just enough to get by and still seem like a normal couple.

Now he wanted to talk.
Really talk.
Open-ended questions that couldn’t be answered with a simple yes or no. Like: “So tell me about your day?” and “What was your favorite part of the movie?”

The new Gabriel finally wanted to know what I was thinking. What was important to me. Which issues I felt strongly about. We were starting to get to know one another all over again.

Lately Gabe had started leaving sexy messages on my phone – the type that had a double meaning, so I could take it either way. His playfulness even made me giggle out loud, something we hadn’t done for many years.

Slowly he crept back under my skin. I started looking forward to going ho
me, knowing he’d be there. Still, I would never in my wildest dreams initiate sex with Gabriel. Even though he was – technically at least – still my husband.

Gabriel was overbearing, yes. Demanding, yes.
Sexy?
I didn’t want to go there for the last few weeks. But now when I thought of Gabe the word sexy jumped into my mind, uninvited.

A lot of things changed that summer.

Chapter
Forty-four

Several weeks
later, Gabe sauntered into my office casually, a naughty twinkle in his eyes.

“Nat, let’s go on a holiday together, just you and I
.” Gabe wiggled his eyebrows as he laid a few brochures on my desk. I peered at him over my reading glasses. In all the years we had been together he always had excuses why we couldn’t travel to faraway places, though I had always yearned to experience different cultures.

“We never had a real honeymoon because you were pregnant with Daniel. I want to make that up to you
.” He smiled, the warmth and honesty in his voice reaching his eyes.

I picked up the brochures and flicked through them. Hmm, Europe featured prominently. My eyes brightened.

“I was thinking Italy? Rome and Tuscany. How does that sound?” he asked.

I lifted an eyebrow. “How would we fit that into a week?” Usually that was the most time he was prepared to take
away from his business.

Gabe walked around my desk and pulled me up, holding on to my arms. “What if I told you we could go for three weeks?
And I still owe you from cutting short your trip to the USA –” His thumbs started working their magic on my skin, little circles up and down the insides of my arms, just above my wrists. A shiver ran up my spine and his lips twisted in a devilish grin. He knew exactly what he was doing, seducing me with his offer and his thumbs.

“Oh
God, that would be wonderful!” I laughed. “Three weeks, are you sure you can take that much time away from the business?” He had started going back to his office every morning, promising not to exert himself and to rest often. He was always home by three pm these days, and lately I found myself looking forward to spending a leisurely evening with him more and more.

“New beginnings. I’m not going to be such a stupid ass any more. Besides, the doctor said it would be good for me. We would have to take it slow, of course. I can't run around like I used to, but I think we’ll manage
.” He winked at me.

His intense gaze sent warmth
creeping over my skin. I swallowed a smile. Gabe became more flirtatious as he was getting better. Thankfully sex was still off limits till the doctor gave the all-clear, so we hadn’t crossed that bridge yet.

We still slept in separate bedrooms. I’d agreed to give our marriage another shot, but I was going to take my time, do what felt right
. It was the first time our relationship was on my terms. Never before was I the one in control.

Gabe didn’t push the issue, although he often tried to persuade me to sleep in our bed with him, reminding me that he was ‘harmless’. I declined every time: I simply wasn’t ready yet.

“Well, if you can organize yourself, we can leave by the time spring starts in Europe. Shall I make the necessary arrangements?” Gabe asked as he planted a kiss on my forehead.

“Wow, you’re not wasting time
, are you?” I laughed.

“I thought we could renew our vows. I found this little chapel in Tuscany near the villa we are renting. What do you say? Then it will really be like a honeymoon afterwards
.” Gabe slowly rubbed up and down my arms, his eyes guarded as if he was afraid of rejection.

A belated honeymoon
. Just what did that mean exactly? Gabe was right; we were always pretty good together, until he decided he didn’t want me anymore.
Had that changed now?
I wasn’t sure and I wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up. I let out a long breath. “I would like that.” If we were going to resurrect this marriage I might as well be all in.

How would sex with Gabe be after his heart attack? And more importantly, how would sex with Gabe be after
Nick
? I tried not to think of it, but a shudder ran through me that I couldn’t suppress. Was this really what I wanted? Could I really go through with this?

“Are you cold?” Gabe asked as he drew me closer to his chest, his strong arms enfolding me. I shook my head.

“Don’t over think it, let’s just do what feels right, OK? No pressure. I promise.” The small circles started spiraling up and down my spine. I closed my eyes, melting into Gabe’s chest. His face was so close to mine I could feel his warm breath whisper over my ear. “Let's just take it one day at a time. If I play my cards right, we still have a few decades ahead of us to make up for lost time. We –
I
– am the luckiest man alive to have another chance, I am grateful for every day, so I'm not going to fuck it up again.”

He pressed a kiss on the sensitive skin under my ear, and then feathered small kisses along my jaw. My hands were on his chest, my palm on his heart. I could feel it beating wildly. Was doing this OK?
God, I didn’t want him to get his heart all worked up. What if –

Before he could kiss me, I gently pushed him away. “Your heart…”

He threw back his head and a deep guttural laugh rumbled through his chest. “Don’t you worry about my heart. The doc said I was doing well. The cardiac rehab therapy has worked wonders. In fact, he said a week from tomorrow I should be strong as a bull – his words, not mine. Apparently I’m healing so well, I’ll be
better
than before the heart attack.
Imagine that
?”

Gabe cupped my chin in his hand, lifting my face to his and stared at me with those big
soulful eyes that always got to me. “Doc said that’s what the love of a good woman can do for a man. I couldn’t agree more. You have been good to me, Nat. Thank you.”

D
ipping his head, he kissed me tenderly. I kissed him back, but didn’t place my hand near his heart again, I didn’t want to feel what was going on in there – it frightened me. Instead I wrapped my arm around his neck awkwardly. It was going to take time to get used to touching Gabe intimately again. And definitely the idea of him looking at me with hungry eyes as he had been doing the last few weeks was something I couldn’t wrap my brain around yet.

The other thing that bothered me was that in spite of saying goodbye to Nick and breaking it off with him completely, I felt like I was cheating on
him
somehow. Nick and I had only been together for a short time, yet it was profoundly life changing. An experience I could not forget easily.

Daniel walked in to my study, his eyebrows raised, and a sneer on his face. “Hey, what’s this making out in broad daylight?”

“Eew,” said Robert, two steps behind him. “This is gross.” His eyes were shiny and he guiltily swallowed a grin. Nothing could make the young romantic in my baby happier than to see his parent embracing, I knew that.

Olivia was the one I was worried about though. Her face contorted into a scowl. I knew she was remembering what she saw in New York only a
few months ago. She loved her father unconditionally. She was his little princess. To this day we had never mentioned that last morning in the Hamptons when she found me in Nick’s bedroom, wearing nothing but a blanket and a just-fucked glow.

“You two look
cozy,” she remarked, her eyes boring into me. What was she thinking? If only I could explain to her that things weren’t always that simple.
That one cannot dictate to the heart who it wants to love.
She would learn that lesson in due course.

The strange thing was this: I did love Gabriel – he was my first boyfriend, my first love. I
believed everyone always had a special place in their hearts for their first love, regardless of how it turned out.

Gabriel was the man who took my virginity at seventeen. The man –
ten years my senior and so much more experienced in life – so determined to make me his, that he got me pregnant and married in record time. One day I was still the naïve virgin, the next preparing for marriage and motherhood. I had to grow up fast – there was no time to find myself first – to grow into adulthood slowly.

It was too hard to explain that to
Olivia. Would she understand that this was foreign to me too? I had only ever known one man since I was just a girl – her father. In all my life I had never experienced another man until Nick. How could I explain that even though I never planned for it to be anything more than a flirtation, I couldn’t stop it becoming more even if I wanted to? That finding Nick was crucial for me to
finding myself
?

Was there such a thing as only one true love for every person? Or were we capable of loving more than one person deeply? I didn’t know the answer to these questions. And the possibilities scared the hell out of me.

“Just in time for dinner.” Gabe laughed as he let me go reluctantly. He hugged Olivia and patted the boys on the back jovially as we made our way to the kitchen.

Olivia and Robert quickly set the table, the scowl still firmly in place on her beautiful face. If only I could talk to her and give her the answers she needed to hear from me – that everything was going to be all right. But I couldn’t – because I wasn’t sure that it would. All I could do was my best, one day at a time, and see where it took me.

Dinner with my family was divine. It was what made me happiest. Seeing them tuck in to a hearty meal, laughing and exchanging stories and jokes. The easy way everyone related to one another. This was what life was all about. Family. My heart swelled with pride and joy. In the end, there was no other choice I could possibly make. The happiness and contentedness in my heart was all I needed.
Wasn’t it?

As I rose from the table to fetch dessert, Gabe snaked his arm out and grabbed me around the waist, pulling me into his lap. Three pairs of eyes were on us. Caught completely off guard and feeling really silly, I giggled like a teenager as he kissed me passionately in front of them. When he lifted his mouth, he wore a wide grin on his face. His hold around my waist tightened possessively and I felt my cheeks warm.

“We have some news for you. Your mother and I are going on vacation to Italy soon,” he said as he pressed his mouth to my temple. “But wait, there’s more,” he said as I studied their astonished faces. “We are renewing our vows too. I can arrange for you all to come to Tuscany as witnesses. But after that, we need alone time – to have the honeymoon we never had,” he said as he winked playfully.

Robert jumped up from his chair and embraced us in a funny kind of group hug. Daniel reached out an arm and slapped Gabe on the back. “Sly old fox
.” He grinned.

Olivia looked pensively at me
. “Mom,
really
?”

“Yes,
sweetie, really.” I smiled, hoping she would be totally convinced.