Ophelia (13 page)

I was a lovesick puppy attached to a wild horse. I ran after her for years but I never got tired because she was the most captivating vision I'd ever witnessed. She fought against her demons and made each of her dreams a reality. Knowing her enriched my life beyond any treasure in a fairy tale.

“When you wake up, baby, I know you’re going to hate me. I should have stayed with you. I shouldn’t have turned my back on you in our first argument. I’m pretty sure we would’ve found a solution. I ruined this, okay? It’s all on me. Never forget how much I love you now and always. I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll miss your laugh, your smile, the sound of your music, but I think I’ll step away. I couldn’t bear it if I hurt you any more than this and I’m sure you’ll hate the sound of my name as soon as you wake up.” I wiped my tears away with the collar of my t-shirt. “I hope one day you’ll be able to forgive me, because I don’t know how I’ll survive without you.”

I stayed with her for uncountable minutes. The feeling of my touch on her warm skin made me feel better. Beverly would take care of her, and she would feel better soon. Her strong will would lead her straight to a full recovery. I knew that because Ophelia was the strongest person I had ever met.

I could not even feel if my heart was beating when I walked out the door. The last sight of Ophelia I saw would stay printed on my mind forever. Even with all the injuries, I thought she looked just as good as any other day. My love for her overlooked the stitches and the shaved hair. Her soul hadn’t changed and I could feel that.

Beverly came in, facing me. She looked worried. I hugged her silently and I cried like she had never seen me cry. I was a broken man who had hurt the one person I cherished the most.

“I know you probably hate me now. I’m just going to go, okay? Take care of her for me.”

“What happened, Teodore?” she asked, uncertain of what I meant.

“She’s still asleep. I ruined everything, Bev. She isn’t going to let go. Not this time. You have my phone number if you need to reach me. I’ll be at Trevor’s.”

I turned around and left her speechless. I had never seen her dumbstruck before so that said a lot.

***

Darkness is my light.

Pain is my remedy.

Life is my living hell.

Will I survive?

***

W
aking up, I opened my eyes very slowly. The pain that spread through my body was excruciating. I knew when I saw the pale mint walls that I was in the hospital. Gosh, I hated these freaking hospitals! I had vowed to never return to one after being released from the psychiatric hospital. The smell made me sick, the sterilizing products permeated everything, even the IV taped to the top of my hand and the baby blue nightgown that was a soft as a sandpaper. Damnit, I hated this. I tried moving my hand over the baby, but it was too painful. I didn’t remember much after the accident. The idea of being here brought so many sad and hurtful memories. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be away, at home.

I closed my eyes again, not willing to face the reality. I had hurt the life in me. The only continuity I had of my family.

I let that car hit me, I didn’t look, I didn’t care for my baby enough. I saw Teo, I saw him across the street and I was too happy, too excited. Reality hit me head on.

I cried, I sobbed. My body ached but I deserved the pain. I could have called for the nurse but I didn’t, I took the pain in and lived it. My life meant nothing. Gone was the strong girl, gone was my will to survive. I wanted out of this mess.

... O ...

Murmurs and small talk resonated in my head. I wanted to be alone. My mind screamed to be alone, but I couldn’t let a sound escape my mouth. I was a mute, like in my old days. Teo, he probably despised me for being so careless with our baby. I took it away from him before I even had the chance to tell him. Never again would I be able to look him in the eyes – his charming brown eyes that I missed so much.

My eyes remained closed. I faked it, not wanting whoever was in the room to know I was awake. The voice seemed to be Beverly’s, but it sounded as if I was under water. The pressure in my head was killing me. I thought my skull was cracked open, I had never felt like this before. It made me feel nauseous. I could taste it in my mouth. Unable to control my own body, I vomited without holding back because every bone of my body hurt and every muscles screamed for release.

I heard a voice calling for help as I emptied my stomach all around me. My body started trembling, I was suddenly so cold. My lips shattered. I opened my eyes slowly and I saw a nurse who removed my blanket and hospital gown, almost all at once. My vision was blurry but clear enough to see the bruise covering my wrist and my hip. I couldn’t move my wrist without the sensation of a knife cutting through my bones. Shit!

There was no way my baby had made it.  My heart rate kept going faster and faster. I was having a panic attack. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I wanted to say something but I couldn’t. The words I had heard in the past hours or days came back to me. “I love you, Ophelia.” “She was hit...” “Uncertain.” “Miscarriage.” “Broken.” “Therapist.” “Cast.” Some words only brought back all the memories from my parents’ murder.

“Breathe, Lia. Breathe.” It really was Beverly.

Where was Teo? My Teodore? It made me hurt even more to know that he wasn’t here. I needed him. He always used to be there when I hurt. Was he mad at me?

“We are going to give you sedative if you don’t calm down. Let me at least get you in a clean gown, okay?” The nurse was trying to clean me up with a cold and wet towel.

“The baby,” I murmured, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer.

Beverly looked at me, tears in her eyes and she simply whispered back a broken no. I had expected it, I knew it was a possibility but it hit me, hard.

“Teo knows. It’s difficult for him too. He just left to go home.”

He planned on leaving me after all. We were really over. After all these years, all of these years where I had kept him waiting for me, it already meant nothing. We’d both wasted ten years of our lives. I felt like I had used him, taken advantage of his compassion for me. I was a selfish idiot. The sadness overwhelmed me. My body and mind became emotionless, which had to be the only way to get through it. Would he go back to Brooklyn? He’d never mentioned any interest in going back. In fact, I think he tried to stay away as much as he possibly could.

Should I go back to Brooklyn? I had unfinished business over there. I’d never gone to see my parents’ graves after the funeral. I’d escaped that city as fast as I could,  tried to avoid any memories I had of them alive.  Even after all these years, missing them never stopped. In moments like today, I wished I could have my mother by my side, holding my hands. I needed her to tell me that everything was going to be alright. Losing a baby, it was never something that I had thought possible, it had never crossed my mind. Of course, I knew I was pregnant for maybe thirty minutes before I got hit by the car. Each time I thought about it, it felt like a stab right through my heart but only, it kept stabbing me until I could no longer breathe.

... O ...

“How are you feeling, Ophelia? You’ve been crying for two hours now, since you woke up.”

“Where’s Teo?” I needed to know.

She looked at me, pain reflected in her eyes. “I believe, he’s upset because...”

I didn’t hear the rest of what she was saying, I blocked everything out. He was upset because of me. He was going to start dating another girl and he would forget all about me. I’d killed everything we shared. Angry didn’t cover it, I was ashamed of myself.

“How are you doing, Lia?”

“I can’t think about this, Beverly. I just can’t.” I begged her to let it go, for now. Beverly would give me a break, but I didn’t expect it to last very long. She had been there through the years and knew me better than I knew myself.

“Are you in pain?”

“Yes, I am but, I need to feel it. I deserve to feel it.”

Bev’s eyes locked on me. I tried to ignore it but she was crying.

“Life can really be a bitch sometimes. I don’t understand why it’s being so unfair to you. As soon as your life gets better, you get slapped in the face. It’s not fair. You and Teo were so happy and beautiful to watch. You guys inspired me.”

“Don’t say his name, Bev. It hurts too much.”

“Why? You guys are going to get through this. You’re too solid to let it break you. After all these years, Lia, you can’t let him go.”

“I don’t want to let him go, Bev, but I lost what we both wanted because I was careless. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’m sure.”

“You’re wrong, I’m sure you are.” She sniffled. “You can get pregnant again and you guys are going to be the best parents ever.”

I motioned a no with my head. “He’s done with me. He said it.”

I loved him, needed him. Yet I was so confused about everything else. I knew our relationship had hit its first wall. Teo had a temper, never with me but I had seen him angry before and I expected him to be like this at the moment. Angry and saddened by my lack of responsibility.

“I don’t know when you guys talked, but you obviously need to again. We are all we have here. You can let him go. We live together.”

“Beverly, I killed our baby. What do you expect?”

Her face twisted in exasperation. “You didn’t kill your baby, Ophelia. You were hit by a car. It was an accident.” She shouted at me. “A terrible accident.”

I couldn’t listen to this anymore. My head ached, just like every bone of my body.

... O ...

It had been four days since I had been released from the hospital and I had plans. The only thing I’d done in the past few days was focused on that trip back home. It obsessed me. My decision was made and it was irrevocable.

“I’m going back home for a few days.” I waited for her reaction.

“Why? I don't think I'll be able to go with you.” Beverly said, worried.

“It’s okay. I was planning on going by myself. I have a few things I have to do on my own.” I hated doing this to her. We normally tried to do everything together.

She looked hurt. “What about Teo?”

I’d hoped she wouldn't bring his name up, but she had. “It doesn't change anything. He hates me.”

She rolled her eyes. “You guys are going to have to talk, okay? You were in love few days ago and it was about freaking time. You both lost that baby, okay? I hate mentioning it, but you have to face the reality. You don't stop loving someone like that.” She snapped her fingers.

“That day, I ruined everything. It’s not something we can fix.”

“Did you at least try?” Her voice raised.

“It doesn't matter, he’s done with me. He hates me.” I insisted on the hate.

She was about to say something but she stopped mid-track. Part of what she said was right, I hadn't tried to talk to him at all. I remembered hearing his voice when I was sleeping, but when I woke up, Teo was nowhere around. He was avoiding me. He wasn't staying home either. He stayed at his friend, the bartender’s place. All I could think about was how much I missed him.

“When are you planning to leave?”

“I have a flight at 3pm.”

Beverly nodded. I could see she was trying to plan something.

“You want me to call my parents?”

“I already did,” I said shyly. “Your dad will pick me up at the airport.”

“I’m not jealous that you’re going without me, but I’m upset that you planned everything without talking to me about it. I feel like you’re hiding things from me.”

“I’m not. You know that.”

She didn't say anything in response. Maybe she was really doubting me after all. “Do you still love him?”

“Yes.” I held back the tears. “I’m pretty sure I always will.” I sighed, fighting to keep control. “I just need to go for a couple of days.”

“I understand,” is all she said. “Is it safe though, are you feeling better?”

I nodded. My body was still hurting at times, but with my medication I was fine. No matter where I would be, the pain would be the same, it didn’t matter to me. My broken bones didn’t stop me. 

I packed a few things as carry-on luggage while thinking about how I would feel back in Brooklyn. It couldn't be that bad, right? Every year, Beverly flew back home for Christmas while Teo and I stayed in California. Teo had only returned once when his mother passed away. He didn't stay overnight, he flew in and out the same day. I always thought it was odd.

Bev insisted that I eat something before leaving. I didn't eat much these days and my waist was starting to shrink considerably. Of course, she made a lasagna. Everybody knew this was the only way to win me over.

“What do I say if Teo ask me where you are?”

“You can tell him.” I had nothing to hide, I simply didn't feel like talking to someone who hated me.

“You realize that you are going to have to talk to him eventually?” she added before taking another bite.

“I think we just need to clear our heads. I’m not myself right now.” I spoke the truth.

“Call him”, she ordered, testing me.

“It’s only been five days. I know he was with me in the hospital room before I woke up, I could smell is cologne. Right now, he’s dealing with it on his own. He is a strong man, he knows what he's doing.”

“I just hate when we’re all apart like that, Clara too. We’re family. We have to fix it.”

“Give us more time.” I sighed. “I think time is the answer.”

“I hope you’ll come back. I’m not sure I understand why you’re going back to Brooklyn now, if you haven’t once in the past ten years.”

“Unfinished business that I need to take care of.”

A lot of time had gone by since I had visited my parents. I had an urge to connect with my past and I didn’t know why exactly. It felt as if I was going to get answers or hope for my future life. In my mind, I knew this trip was impulsive and that I was probably acting this way to escape, but then again, I had chosen to go back to Brooklyn. I could have gone anywhere else. It had to be my true call.  

“Do you need help packing?” she asked and the tone in her voice let me know she didn’t approve of my decision.