Oregon Outback (29 page)

She slid from the seat before she made a bigger fool of herself. Could he see right through her?

When he looked up, his shimmering gray eyes held a glint of amusement. “I appreciate the personal touch, and if I have questions, you’ll be the first to know.”

His answer made her smile, and to her delight, he cracked a grin in return, revealing a flicker of warmth in his rugged, but unapproachable, hard exterior. His reaction infused her with hope, but for what, she didn’t know.

She nodded and left the room with as much poise as she could muster. Once she exited the dining hall, Darrow stepped to the side and pressed her back against the wall, taking several deep breaths.

What was the matter with her?

She reasoned that she just wanted to make sure Justin Love, a new guest at the lodge, had everything he needed. Sitting across from him, her pounding heart uncovered the lie she’d told herself.

What she really wanted was to experience again the spark he’d ignited. The current she’d felt earlier today that left crazy thoughts swirling in her head. Pestering him while he ate his dinner attested to that. But this was wrong. All wrong. He was a stranger. And she was in a relationship.

A relationship between a man and a woman shouldn’t be just about the spark.

Darrow wasn’t the kind of girl to throw herself at a man like that. In fact, that was the gutsiest thing she’d ever done—talk to a stranger while he ate his dinner—and on the surface it appeared innocent enough.

What was it about then?

The answer hovered in her thoughts just out of reach … but then … she snatched it. Was what she had with Smit enough? She’d better be sure before she took the next step, if it was ever offered.

Lord, help me to know …

Trace stood in front of her. Darrow hadn’t even noticed her approach.

“You okay?” Trace asked.

“It’s nothing. What are you doing back? I gave you the afternoon off.”

Trace Mulligan had worked at the lodge with her for the last decade, and continued to work after Darrow bought the lodge with the money her grandfather left her when he died.

“Jeremy’s watching Lauren now. He’s back from Bend. I can’t afford to lose the hours, so I’m here again. Was on my way to grab a plate in the kitchen when I saw you.”

That was just the excuse she needed. “I’m feeling a little queasy, that’s all. Heading home now.”

Darrow lived in a cabin near the lodge and hurried down the wooded path, tugging her sweater around her. This time of year, she needed to shed the light and airy dresses and wear jeans and boots. She hated giving up the spring and summer, but she couldn’t deny that fall was about to fade to winter. Darrow was in denial about a lot of things. Wrapped in a blanket, she sat on her porch and listened to the stream trickle only a few yards away.

An hour later, the porch creaked, and she looked up to see Trace, her hand gripping the post. “Stopped by to see if you’re feeling better.”

Darrow shook her head and stared into the woods, which would soon be completely dark except for the security light if she chose to turn it on.

Trace’s boots creaked across the porch until she stood next to Darrow. “We’ve known each other a long time. I can tell when something’s bothering you.”

Darrow took a breath. “How did you know that Jeremy was the man for you?”

Her friend eased into the other rocking chair. “That’s a hard one to answer. I think it’s different for everyone. But for me, it was a lot of little things, and in the end love is a choice. Why? Something happen between you and Smit?” Trace’s eyes grew wide. “Did he ask you to marry him?”

Despite her confusion, Darrow laughed. “No, nothing like that. Not yet. But I’m scared he’s going to.”

“Scared? I thought you wanted him to ask.” Trace leaned forward in the rocking chair. “All right. What am I missing?”

“Have you ever wondered if you made a mistake marrying Jeremy?”

“Wow, you’re getting pretty serious and personal here. I’ll answer you on one condition; you tell me what’s going on. I mean what’s
really
going on.”

“Okay.” Though Darrow wasn’t exactly sure how much she was willing to share.

“In moments of anger, fits of rage, frustration, sure I wonder if I made a mistake. But that passes very quickly when I realize how wrong it is to think that way. Most of the time emotions stemming from anger shouldn’t be trusted.”

“You’re a wise woman for your age. How did you get so smart when you’re only thirty-one?”

“Is that what this is about? You’re afraid that you’re getting too old and Smit is never going to ask? Your biological clock is ticking?” Trace’s soft, pleasant laugh eased some of the tension in Darrow’s neck. That was what she loved about her.

“You are the sister I wished I had.” Instead, Darrow had a brother she hadn’t seen in five years. He’d gotten into a lot of trouble when they were growing up. Darrow didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. She hated that.

“Okay. Now tell me what’s on your mind. What else are sisters for?” Trace asked.

Darrow frowned. Sharing the dark thoughts in her heart would probably make Trace see her in a different way. “I think Smit might propose on Friday night.”

“And?”

“He’s a good stable man. He can offer me the only thing I’ve been missing in my life—a family of my own.” Darrow had imagined what her life would be like if Smit ever proposed. “I’ve counted on it for so long, I’ve even selected the color schemes in each room of the home we’ll have together. I still can’t decide between the yellow-flowered wallpaper with the blue drapes or vice versa.” She infused her last statement with humor and they both laughed.

“You’re just getting wedding jitters before the engagement.”

Darrow stood from the chair and moved to stand at the porch railing, tugging the blanket tighter against the evening chill. She could just make out a doe quietly picking her way through the thicket.

“Smit is a good stable man. But it’s better to find a man who really makes you feel alive before it’s too late,” Trace said, her voice soft.

“How did you know?” That a stranger had ignited a flame in Darrow that Smit never had.

“I didn’t. It was just a guess. I’ve never seen much chemistry between the two of you, frankly.”

“But it’s not just about chemistry, is it?”

“No. There’s so much more, and it’s a decision that requires prayerful consideration. You shouldn’t go into a marriage without knowing if he’s the one God has for you.”

“You’re right, I know. But, maybe it’s like you said, I’ve just got pre-engagement jitters.”

Darrow couldn’t stop the doubts. If she married Smit, would she be settling?

Smit was here and told her he loved her. Justin could be married for all she knew. And he said he was just passing through. He could be a serial killer, a drug addict, or he might not know the Lord—although he’d prayed before his meal. Why had Darrow allowed this man to become a rockslide, blocking her straight and narrow path?

S
itting behind the ancient pine desk that had come with the lodge when she bought it, Darrow finished tweaking details for the upcoming Thanksgiving weekend, which was a big holiday for the lodge. Hunters didn’t start pouring in until late Thursday and early Friday morning, after they’d enjoyed Thanksgiving with their families. All the same, the lodge would offer the traditional meal: turkey, dressing, and cranberry sauce—the works. Though that was several weeks away, she knew it would sneak up on her if she didn’t pay attention.

She managed to keep her thoughts off Justin and focused back on Smit, like a good and faithful girlfriend. She wasn’t his wife or fiancée yet, but that didn’t matter. Thinking of Justin made her feel like she had a cheating heart. Smit was a good man, and Darrow would do her best to focus on his qualities.

Things were going to work out, she told herself.

Repeatedly.

Thankfully, she hadn’t seen Justin yesterday and that helped to ease the wild murmurings of her heart. Today, Justin would need to move to a cabin if he planned to stay. A couple, the Whiteheads, who frequented the lodge, was due to check in, and Elise didn’t like the cabins. She enjoyed hiking while her husband hunted. That was all she’d allow the man. Darrow didn’t know whether to feel sorry for him or not, but considering how he appeared to adore his wife, she thought not. That was the kind of marriage she wanted. A man who adored and cherished her.

I should feel the same way
. She sighed, determined to push her doubts aside.

“How’s my girl?”

At the familiar voice, Darrow jerked her head up. Smit leaned in the doorframe. Working long and hard running the business and doing the manual labor required to install tires gave Smit a sturdy form. His hair was thinning a little at the top, and his chin wasn’t strong and defined, but that didn’t matter to Darrow. He had a good heart.

Darrow smiled. “What brings you by?”

“Wanted to see you for a second. Say a quick hello.” His dusky brown eyes held much of the adoration she often saw there, but something was missing. What was it? “Walk me out?”

Heaviness pressed on her heart as she stood. “Okay.”

He grinned. “I’m sorry I haven’t been by in a few days.”

“I know you’re busy. You don’t have to stop by just to see me.” Darrow edged around the desk and went into his arms. She rested her head against his chest, searching, straining for reassurance. “But I’m glad you did.”

Smit kissed the top of her head then released her. He led her down the short hallway to the lobby. Trace and another employee, Renee, were busy at the counter, and glanced over at Darrow as she passed. Trace gave her an encouraging smile. Darrow winked, letting her know everything would be okay. She would make it through any misgivings.

Smit grabbed Darrow’s hand, holding it as they meandered across the large area rug, passing the fire blazing in the hearth and a cluster of guests in animated conversation. When he squeezed her hand, Darrow kept her gaze on her surroundings.

“What’s bothering you today?” Smit asked, stopping next to a photograph of bird-watchers. He took her chin and lifted her face, forcing her to look at him.

Darrow’s heart jumped, but not for the right reason. “I’m tired, that’s all.” How could she share her deepest thoughts when they were so dark and hurtful, even to her?

“Come here.” Smit tugged her around the wall into a corner. He leaned in to kiss her, but she pressed her hands against his chest.

“You know I don’t like to do this in public, especially at work in front of the guests.” She wanted to keep her personal life just that.

Smit pressed his lips against hers anyway, lightly and gently. Darrow got the strange feeling he was searching for answers with his kiss. When he eased back he brushed his hand down her face, a slight frown on his lips.

“I’ll call you tomorrow to confirm our plans for Friday night.”

He was always so thoughtful. Darrow smiled. “I’m looking forward to Friday.” In truth, she was terrified. Smit dropping by today had only made it worse.

“Me, too. I have something special planned, remember.” Holding her hand, he took a step away and studied her. Darrow had the odd sense that his behavior had nothing at all to do with the doubts she wrangled with. He couldn’t know anything about them. No. The change was in him, not Darrow.

Smit nodded good-bye then stepped through the lodge exit, brushing by Justin, who paid him no attention. The light bounced off the brilliant gray of Justin’s eyes as he entered, and seeing her, he paused.

Please, just keep going
. But it was no use. He just stood there staring, contemplating. Darrow pushed away from the wall to go back to her office. Justin walked next to her, matching her pace, which was probably considerably slower than his. He was at least a head taller than she and had long legs compared to Darrow.

“So he’s the one you’re going to marry.” Justin’s statement startled her.

She forced her palpitating heart to calm down and kept her face straight ahead. “Keep your voice down, please.”

As they walked by the front desk, Trace glanced her way and knit her brows. Darrow headed to her office with Justin in tow, something she wouldn’t have done had Justin not mentioned her marriage to Smit. He followed her into the office as if he’d intended to do that from the beginning, as if she’d invited him. Without asking, he closed the door behind him then sat down.

Leaning back in the chair with all the confidence in the world, he crossed one leg over his knee. His deep gaze had her cornered. His presence seemed to fill her office.

Darrow struggled to breathe. “I’ll thank you not to mention again that I’m getting married. I’m not engaged. I haven’t received a proposal. You could ruin everything.”

He didn’t answer but ran his hand down one side of his face and then the other as though judging the quality of a new razor.

“It doesn’t concern you,” she said.

He dropped his chin and looked at her. “Are you sure about that?”

What are you doing?
He’d gotten to her with that, and now he regretted his words.

To a degree, she was right. That she was planning to marry a man she didn’t love wasn’t his business. But it was a great misfortune all the same, and he was all about preventing tragedy these days, if it was within his power.