Otis (22 page)

SAM

Making life altering decisions without the assistance of or reassurance from others is difficult. Coping with the fallout of a tough decision is always easier if someone close to you helped you make it. The majority of my choices in adulthood were made while talking to my mother over the phone. No longer having that luxury forced me to look elsewhere for support, and luckily I didn’t have to look far. Having Sydney and Avery as friends was something I was truly grateful for, and the time had come for me to test their ability to stand up with me in the most trying of times.

“Just let me finish before you guys start,” I said through my shaking lower lip.

I felt surprisingly calm considering how I’d felt earlier. Feeling as if I was either far more comfortable with the decision that I expected myself to be, or I was simply in shock, I inhaled a shallow breath, clutched my purse, and exhaled.

“I’m pregnant, and…”

“Oh my God, congratulations!” Avery shouted.

“This is so exciting,” Sydney said as she clapped her hands together, “Cambio and I have been talking and he was wanting to…”

I raised my right hand in the air to stop them from continuing, and began to sob. After what seemed like several minutes of sobbing, I wiped my face free of the tears and attempted to catch my breath.

“Sorry, I thought I was done crying,” I muttered as I glanced up.

They both sat staring at me as if not knowing for sure what to say or why I was crying. It was obvious to me, and probably pretty obvious to them the tears were not tears of joy, but ugly tears. 

“This conversation stays here,” I said flatly.

Both women grinned and shrugged their shoulders.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. No problem,” Sydney grinned.

“I’m waiting,” Avery said as she turned her palms up.

“I’m just going to cut right to it,” I sighed.

Talk fast, Sam. Just say it.

I bit the edge of my lower lip and spoke through my teeth, “I need to get an abortion.”

As I expected, both women’s eyes widened. Avery gasped no differently than if she’d witnessed a murder. Sydney covered her face with her hands and attempted to hide her feelings, but nothing could disguise them. Her face clearly said what her mouth did not.

“Why?” Avery asked under her breath, “An abortion?”

I nodded my head, “It’s the only answer.”

I clutched my purse and continued, “I don’t know if you know it or not, but the entire reason we broke up before was over me wanting kids. He didn’t. He enjoys the freedom of being
free
. I do too. It doesn’t matter, if he finds out, he’ll either kill me or leave me. I
know
Otis. I can’t lose him. Not again.”

“He doesn’t know?” Avery hissed as she folded her arms in front of her chest and thrust herself into the rear of the booth.

I shook my head, “This isn’t easy. It really…”

“Tell him,” Avery demanded.

I pulled my purse to my chest and held it close, “I can’t. You don’t understand.”

“You owe it to him,” she snapped back.

I glanced at Sydney. With her face still contorted, clearly expressing horrific shock and sorrow, she attempted to cover it with her hands while she listened. I shifted my eyes toward Avery.

“I need…I need him in my…in my life. I can’t live without…him. I love him,” I said as I fought back tears.

“If you love him, tell him,” she begged, “You might be surprised.”

“
You
might be surprised. If he didn’t kill me, he’d leave me for sure. He left me over the mere mention of kids. An actual child would send him running. Hell, you’d probably never see him again,” I explained.

“You were what, twenty-one years old?” she asked.

I nodded my head as I continued to hug my purse.

“Sixteen years ago. People mature, things change. Tell him,” she said as she leaned forward, resting her arms on the edge of the table.

“His mind hasn’t changed. I assure you. I’m sorry, I don’t want to argue. I just need support right now,” I said under my breath.

Avery crossed her arms and settled against the back of the booth. I shifted my eyes to Sydney, who had finally uncovered her face and was wiping tears from her face.

“Uhhm, I could talk to…I was…” she muttered.

She shook her head and cleared her throat as she wiped her eyes against the heels of her palms.

“I think Cambio and I would be willing to adopt the baby. I’d have to talk to him, but let’s just go with it’s a yes, at least for now. I mean if you don’t want it for sure,” she murmured.

I pushed my purse onto the edge of the table and shook my head, “We’re going the wrong direction. I’m not keeping this baby.”

“Don’t kill it,” Sydney cried.

“It’s not killing
anything
, Sydney. Really, it isn’t even a baby yet,” I snapped.

She nodded her head as she began to cry. As she worked herself into a full blown sob, she covered her face with her hands and spoke through the gaps in her fingers.

“Yes it is…” she blubbered.

“It’s part of you…”

“And it’s part of…him.”

She slid her hands against her face and attempted to wipe the tears away, “How about waiting?”

I couldn’t believe my ears. I expected them to provide support - maybe not both of them - but at least one. I went into the bar with visions of one of them taking me to the abortion clinic, and holding my hand through it all, making me feel better about the decision. Afterward, it would be a secret the three of us shared, and took to our graves. Otis and I living happily ever after would stand as proof that the decision we made was the right choice, and the three of us would be reminded of it every day that he and I lived in our state of true love.

I stood from my seat. Avery continued to sit in the booth, arms crossed, glaring at me.

“So no support from either of you on this?” I asked as I clutched my purse tightly.

Sydney stood.

Avery glared.

And I began to cry.

OTIS

I hadn’t spoken with Sam in over twenty-four hours, and I had not seen her in person since the patch in party. Two trips to her mother’s house since the party produced nothing, and now she wasn’t answering texts or calls. I considered the death of Cash, and how it may have had an effect on her. Although she seemed to take the loss of her mother very well, Cash’s death may have been enough to cause her to go into a recession of sorts. Frustrated beyond compare and feeling quite helpless, I sat on bench in her mother’s back yard and waited.

We had spent many a night in the backyard, and I always enjoyed the smell of the flowers. After Sam and I parted, the smell of any type of flowers always seemed to bring thoughts of her back to the forefront of my mind. Now, sitting amidst the very yard we grew up enjoying, I was feeling empty and heartbroken.

Other than her going back to St. Louis and possibly having second thoughts of us remaining together, I could come up with no reason for her to be gone. As I glanced around the yard and made note of the changes her mother had made since I’d seen it last, I began to consider other possibilities.

Kidnapping.

Murder.

Car wreck.

Another relationship.

Marriage.

My mind began to spin in circles. I wondered if it was possible that the ATF had her in for questioning, but had no idea of how to find out if they did. After much thought, I decided I’d drive to wherever Gunner was and threaten him until he told me everything he knew.

I gazed beyond the flowers, shrubbery and trees into the corner of the yard. The small yellow building her mother housed her tools in was still in the corner of the yard. As kids, we used to hide in the little shack and make out, often kissing for hours and hours, not necessarily knowing - or being afraid to go forward – with what the next step was.

I cherished those days. The innocence of us both. Kissing until our jaws were tired, riding my bike home afterward, filled with a feeling that nothing or no one provided me since. After I’d get home, I’d lie in bed and rub my lips as I counted the hours until we’d be able to kiss her again. 

Loving Sam wasn’t a decision I made, it was something that simply happened. Even before I kissed her the first time, I knew. The affection I felt for her was even more apparent every time we were apart, as I would ache for her to return. When we were together, the pain would disappear, only to return again as soon as we separated.

After our first kiss nothing changed - except the level of pain I felt when we were apart. Being away from her after the first time we made love was nothing short of impossible, and we quickly became inseparable following the memorable event. We remained at each other’s sides until the end.

I shifted my eyes from the shack to the yard and glanced around at the flowers as I stood. The yard was where we began our relationship, had our first kiss, and also where the relationship ended. As I stared blankly at the mixture of colors and the contrast of it all, I felt the irony in my standing in the yard once again, feeling as if something changed between us.

Although I had no idea what caused the change, it hurt, and it hurt deeply. Loving someone has the ability to provide the greatest degree of pleasure or the deepest feeling of indescribable pain. Which you receive is determined by whether or not the same level of love you’re giving is returned.

And right now, I was receiving nothing in return.

SAM

The thought of losing Otis weighed heavy on my heart. My decision to have an abortion had been made, and I felt there was no other way to proceed living life without going through with it. Doing it without the support of someone else - as much as hated admitting it - was more difficult than I would have ever expected.

I sat with my head in my hands and cried, knowing I was going to go through the pain, feelings of emptiness, and second guessing the decision entirely for the rest of my life.

Alone.

Being with Otis again provided me with the greatest gift I could have ever expected. Loving him, and not wondering if I was being loved in return – but knowing – elevated me onto a platform I had never had the previous luxury of being upon. From there I felt as if I looked down upon the other women in the world, knowing they would never have what I was so fortunate to possess.

A man who naturally and without any effort – loved them in return – for the love they provided him.

I wiped my eyes and gazed out the window with unfocused eyes. As my side on the console of the car sat the only other option I felt I had.

A butcher knife.

In the four days since I found out I was pregnant something in me changed. As much as I wanted to remain with Otis for the rest of my life, the thought of having the baby that was growing inside of me eliminated what was becoming more and more difficult to accept as being the
right
choice. If I wanted to stay with Otis, I knew it was the only choice, but it didn’t necessarily make it the right choice.

Committing suicide initially seemed to be a far-fetched answer to a desperate cry for help. As time passed and the pain worsened, I felt it was a little more viable of an option. If I could develop the courage to do so, it would allow me to leave this world with my baby, with Otis still loving me, and me without a doubt continuing to love him.

I wondered when they found me what they would think. If Avery and Sydney, after it was all over, would tell Otis what had happened, or if they would refrain from telling him, causing him to wonder if it was something he did, said, or didn’t do or say. Causing him pain wasn’t anything I wanted to do, but the pain I was feeling wasn’t anything I could continue to live with.

Not for much longer.

I closed my eyes and clutched my chest. The pain was almost unbearable.

Continuing to live with the level of pain I was feeling would be impossible. I needed to do something, and I needed to do it fast. The pain was smothering me.

I closed my eyes and wished Otis was holding me in his arms. To feel his arms around me again would soothe the pain, and make everything better. I swallowed heavily, pressed my clenched fists against my chest, and clutched my purse. After a few minutes of rocking back and forth in the seat, nothing changed.

I opened my eyes, glanced out the window, shifted my eyes to the console, and turned toward the window again. The pain continued to worsen.

I glanced at the console and closed my eyes. For a long moment I allowed myself to drift off to a land where Otis and I ran through a field of flowers, holding our child’s hands in ours, laughing and loving each other as the flowers beat against our wrists.

I inhaled a shallow breath through my nose. The unmistakable scent of lilac filled my nostrils.

I opened my eyes and gazed at the knife.

My decision was made.