Our Bodies, Ourselves (34 page)
Read Our Bodies, Ourselves Online
Authors: Boston Women's Health Book Collective
⢠You feel you should have sex when your partner wants to, whether you're in the mood or not.
⢠You feel you should have orgasms to validate your partner.
⢠You feel you shouldn't ask for what you want, especially if it's different from what your partner is doing.
⢠You feel you shouldn't use protection if it interferes with your partner's pleasure, even if this leaves you unprotected against sexually transmitted infections.
⢠If you have a male partner and are sexual without having intercourse, you feel you should help him have an orgasm to relieve his sexual tensions.
“HOW DO YOU FUCK A FAT WOMAN?”
From Kate Harding's essay in
yes means yes! visions of Female sexual Power and a World Without Rape
.
When you are a fat woman in this culture,
everyone
âfrom journalists you'll never meet to your own mother, sister, and best friendâworks together to constantly reinforce the message that you are not good enough to be fucked, let alone lovedâ¦.
We shouldn't have to devote so much mental energy to the exhausting work of
not hating ourselvesâ¦.
Imagine for a minute a world in which fat women don't automatically disqualify themselves from the dating game. A world in which fat women don't believe there's anything intrinsically unattractive about their bodies. A world in which fat women hear that men want only thin women and laugh our asses off, because that is not remotely our experienceâour experience is one of loving and fucking and navigating a big damn world in our big damn bodies with grace and optimism and power.
Now try to imagine some halfwit dickhead telling you a rapist would be doing you a favor, in that world â¦imagine a man telling you that you can't leave him, because no one else will ever want your disgusting fat ass.
None of that makes a lick of sense in that world, does it?
It doesn't in this one, either.
Imagine if more of us could believe that.
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⢠If you have a male partner and have intercourse, you feel you should take care of birth control, or you shouldn't use birth control at all if your partner doesn't want you to.
Becoming aware of how externally created dynamics may play out is an important step toward developing respectful and mutually satisfying sexual relationships where consent matters:
[I don't want] a partner who doesn't know that because he's male, his partners don't always tell him when he does things sexually that they'd rather not participate in. After one disastrous relationship with a fellow who was a jerk and didn't have any idea about privilege, I wrote, “Isn't a patriarchal fuckhead” on my list of qualities I desired in future partners.
It is a cruel fact that many women experience or witness abuseâmost often from men, but also from women. Childhood sexual abuse, rape, sexual harassment, homophobic or transphobic attacks, battering in our homesâany of these can affect our sexual lives. Even if we don't experience violence directly, the fear of being assaulted, or disturbing news stories or media images, can prevent us from feeling comfortable with sexual partners:
I always feel like I have to hide part of myself in my relationships, and as a result it makes it really hard for me to be fully invested on an emotional level because I am constantly performing. And it makes me question how much I can expect a partner to give when I cannot and will not give all of myself. The actions of rapists do not stop with the rape. They reverberate and echo and continueâwhat these people did to me is with me for life.
WHEN A PARTNER HAS EXPERIENCED SEXUAL ABUSE
Joan and Allison, together for ten years and married for three, offer their experiences in a relationship in which one partner has experienced sexual abuse
Joan:
I am a survivor of physical violence and sexual abuse in my childhood. I attend a support group with other women who are survivors of sexual assault and abuse. Several of the women in the group say they wish they could be a lesbian like me, because it must be easier. All of us were abused by men. I tell them that while my wife does understand some things about my experiences better by virtue of being a woman, it is still difficult for me to avoid triggering my post-traumatic stress disorder and panic attacks during sex. I have friends who talk about monogamy being boring, “vanilla,” or oppressive. But I like the stable certainty of monogamy. I don't trust anyone but my wife to touch me intimately.
Allison:
Through our relationship, I am also hurt indirectly by the abuse. I want to be very clear that the pain and damage to me are much less severe than that suffered by my wife. She is the one who was abused, and nothing like that has ever happened to me. However, I feel that the perspective of partners of survivors of sexual abuse needs to be represented as well.
When we were first dating, my wife told me she had been abused. I knew that it would be difficult for her to heal, and that this would take a long time. But I wasn't prepared for the fact that some scars are permanent. After ten years of watching her try every medical, mental health, and alternative tactic, I have come to realize that she will never be able to be the person she could have been if she had not been abused. In many ways, she is stronger and more self-aware than a person who has not had to deal with abuse. But she is also anxious, depressed, suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, and easily frightened during sex. This is in no way her fault. It is something that was done to her, and it pisses me off. I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do to make it better.
I feel that I can never completely relax around my wife, because I have a long mental list of things not to say and places not to touch, so as to avoid triggering anxiety and panic. When we sleep beside each other in bed, there is only one spot, the size of an index card, where I can rest my hand on her bodyâ¦. Sex can be difficult for my wife, and this has been hard on our relationship. She frequently needs to stop during sex. When we are having sex, I always have to hold back to avoid startling her, and because she might want to stop at any moment. This makes it hard for me to get into sex and let my arousal build naturally.
I feel bad for wanting more of her than she has to giveâ¦. I certainly bring my share of problems to our relationship, too, and she has to deal with them. I'm not doing her a favor; she doesn't owe me anything for my “tolerance.” I'm willing to compromise my sexual fulfillment, because in return I get to be married to my caring, funny, intelligent wife, whom I love very much.
If you have been abused, a sudden touch or gesture from a partnerâeven one who would never dream of causing harmâcan trigger what some call the “sexual alarm system”
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and cause you to tense up. You may have to show a partner how to disarm the systemâfor example, by warming up with gentle touching or intimate conversation. It's essential that you go at your own pace and find friends or other supportive people who can help you through this.
More women speak about how they have coped with violence or an abusive relationship, and its effect on
later relationships
, and in
Chapter 24
, “Violence Against Women.”
Many religions have teachings that seek to prohibit certain sexual thoughts and behaviors, especially outside monogamous heterosexual marriage. These attitudes can leave us with negative feelings about our bodies and sexuality. Growing up in a religion in which spiritual goodness is associated with celibacy or the denial of sexual feelings can lead to the idea that sexuality and spirituality are completely split:
All through my teen years, [my] church leaders stressed sexual purity. While I was busy staying sexually pure and modest, I learned absolutely nothing about my body or how I felt sexually. The guilt and shame stopped me in my tracks, and this did not go away when I married. [Recently] I spent a lot of time on a female-oriented sexuality website. After immersing myself in all this female-friendly sexual literature, I finally got in touch with my sexuality and started enjoying sex.
I was raised in a strict Southern Baptist environment in a small town in southern Arkansas. I knew I was a lesbian at around nine or ten years old. Having repressed my sexuality until I was twenty-eight was very hard. I had no role models to look to, growing up. In my mind, church and being a lesbian just did not go together. Now I know that sex can be a very spiritual, uplifting experience. I wish I experienced it more.
At the same time, some of us have found positive messages about sexuality within organized religion. A woman who attended Roman Catholic schools says:
I was taught that the body was the “temple of the Holy Spirit,” and I thought then, as I think now, that having the spirit of God, however we each define God, dwelling within us is â¦beautiful.
Asra Nomani, a journalist who writes frequently about religion and gender issues, has created an Islamic Bill of Rights for Women in the Bedroom that address key issues for women in many religions. It reads in part:
â¢
Women have an Islamic right to respectful and pleasurable sexual experience.
â¢
Women have an Islamic right to make independent decisions about their bodies, including the right to refuse sexual advances.
â¢
Women have an Islamic right to make independent decisions about their choice of a partner.
â¢
Women have an Islamic right to make independent decisions about contraception and reproduction.
â¢
Women have an Islamic right to protection from physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.
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Some of us leave our religions of origin because of the sexual prohibitions. We may choose not to affiliate with a religion at all, or seek out liberal congregations within our own denominations
or other denominations that are more sex-affirming.
Reconstructionist and Reform Jewish congregations, Unitarian Universalism, the United Church of Christ, Metropolitan Community Churches, Wicca, and liberal Quakerism (Society of Friends) have a wider acceptance of women's roles and sexuality and may include female clergy and leaders, recognition of same-sex relationships, and comprehensive sex education.
Drawing upon ancient cultures in which women's bodies, sexuality, and fertility were honored as an integral part of nature and life, many women have found wisdom and strength in connecting sexually with a partner and a sense of divine feminine energy. Others have turned to tantra, an Eastern spiritual philosophy, to explore sexual practices that focus on the interconnectedness of life. By investigating sensations of touch and breathing, creating rituals, and paying attention to subtle energies, some women create a sacred connection with partner(s) and higher power(s).
CELIBACY
Traditionally, celibacy has meant choosing not to marry. Today, many people use it to mean not having sex with a partner, and sometimes not even masturbating, for a certain period of time. Some people choose celibacy in response to our culture's overemphasis on sex, as a break from feeling the pressure to relate to others sexually all the time.
One woman who grew tired of always having to say yes or no describes her experience with celibacy:
I'm exploring myself as a sexual person, but in a different way. My sensitivity to my body is heightened. I am more aware of what arouses my sensual interests. I am free to be myself. I have more energy for work and friends. My spirituality feels more intense and clear.
In partnered relationships, we may choose celibacy when we want some distance or solitude, or when we just don't want to have sex for a while. This can require careful communication:
I say to my lover, “I don't feel like making love this month, and I may not next month.” Now, who does that? Is it okay? Am I allowed? The last thing we were ever taught was that it was okay to try what we want.
Some couples choose celibacy together. It can help couples break out of old sexual patterns, expand sensual/sexual focus beyond genital sex, and make us feel more self-sufficient and independentâall of which can strengthen a relationship.
Asexuality, a lack of interest in sex, is a natural human variation thought to be experienced by about 1 percent of people.
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It is not the same as a sudden decline in sexual interest or attraction, which may be linked to side effects of certain medications or illness. (For more on variations of desire and the effects of
hormones and medications.
)
Reporting on her groundbreaking 2008 study based on interviews with 102 asexuals, Susan Scherrer quotes one woman who doesn't feel sexual attraction: “I love the human form and can regard individuals as works of art and find people aesthetically pleasing, but I don't ever want to come into sexual contact with even the most beautiful of people.”
Another woman feels sexual attraction but
not the inclination to act on it: “I am sexually attracted to men but have no desire or need to engage in sexual or even non-sexual activity (cuddling, hand-holding, etc.).”
One woman describes her ideal relationship as “the same as a ânormal' relationship, without the sex. We would be best friends, companions, biggest fans of each other, partners in financial, work, and social areas of our lives. I am very physical. I would like to be able to tackle my lover (as in “I love him” not as in “person I am currently having sex with”) to the ground, roll around until I pin him, then plant a kiss on his nose, snuggle into the crook of his arm, and talk about some random topic â¦without him getting an erection or entertaining hopes that this will lead to the removal of clothing or a march to the bedroom.”
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