Our Heart (17 page)

I tentatively moved closer to the door. I scrutinized the lock. It needed a key. I determined that if I had to get in without a key I could, but not without damage to the door. I thought hard about where Grandpa may have put the key, but nothing came to me right away. The next thought I had was, “why did Grandpa need to have the door locked anyway?” That question was more worrisome to me than the locked door itself. I searched all around the doorframe and didn’t find any hidden keys. The situation was ironic, and I laughed out loud. I realized that all of the tools I needed to break open the lock were behind the door I was trying to get into.

There were shelves stacked with old paint cans, brushes, and miscellaneous odds and ends next to the small room. I went there to see if by chance Grandpa had secured the key close by. After twenty minutes of removing, lifting, and rooting through all the containers on the shelves, I gave up and turned my attention back to the closed door. I was beginning to feel some frustration, moving past being merely curious. Mentally, I pictured myself kicking in the door with the same flair as any television TV policeman. I passed on the thought for the moment.

My basement solitude became interrupted by sounds of footfalls overhead. I had an overwhelming desire to keep the locked door a secret and pursue this mystery all by myself. Maybe it was the notion of intrigue, something to keep me occupied and my mind away from other issues, compelling me, or it was the gut feeling speaking to me. It didn’t matter which feeling I went with. Either way, I didn’t plan on asking anyone else any questions about the locked door, at least not yet. Grandpa Jake had something to share and all it took was a key to reveal the hidden secrets behind door number one.

I made my way back across the basement and up the stairs into the kitchen to whoever might be waiting for me there. The kitchen area was empty when I stepped into it. I silently closed the basement door and listened for sounds to indicate where the others might have gone. I walked through the dining room and into the living room. Justin was flopped on the couch, and Aunt Marcie was in Grandma Sarah’s straight back chair, leafing through a stack of sheet music. When I walked in she glanced up at me. Seeing that I wasn’t totally distraught anymore, she offered me her warm smile. I smiled back and headed over to Grandpa’s recliner, plopping down in it with all the grace of an elephant. Justin looked over at me and laughed and, for once, I had a genuine smile to offer him back.

The last time I’d seen Justin was at Grandma’s funeral, and it had been a shock when I saw him then, his hairline was in a fast recession. Today, even more of it was gone, making him look much older than he really was. He kept it cut short, and along with his new goatee, it gave him a country look. Justin was one of the “Good Old Boys” type. He’d never married, and it probably wasn’t in his cards anytime soon. It made me think he and I were a little too much alike. We were drifters, just taking life as it came and doing nothing to plant a firm stake or to claim our own little piece of it. Justin was pushing thirty-two and still lived his life like a teenager. Time had started to wear on his face and body. He wasn’t nearly as fit and trim as he once was. Gone was the youthful exuberance he had when he first started singing with “Thoroughbred.”

For the next few minutes, the three of us just sat in the room; the only sound was Aunt Marcie ruffling papers as she scanned her sheet music for songs to sing at the funeral.

Justin broke the listless silence by asking me, “What are you planning on doing after things are settled around here?”

I’m sure he only meant to convey sympathy and understanding, as it pertained to Grandpa, but his comment stabbed much deeper into my heart. He didn’t realize just how unsettled things really were within me. I offered him my shrugged shoulders along with my best “game face,” hoping that would end the discussion. Justin decided, by the look on my face, a new subject would be in order. Still feeling the need to talk, he asked about life in California and my band, “Tempest Wind.”

How could I explain to Justin that what he was asking about went straight to the very heart of the unsettledness haunting my mind and soul? I did my best to smile and politely return his questions. “The band is doing great. I’m not sure when I’ll be heading back. Way too many people in California and, no, I haven’t been seeing anyone.”

My Insides were in turmoil, carrying me along like a runaway rollercoaster. I braced myself against the waves of memories rushing at me from the past. My mind began to swirl, as I stared downward at the endless rollercoaster track before me. My fingers dug deeper into the armrests of the recliner, and my eyes locked onto the clock mounted on the wall behind Justin’s head for stability. As the second hand counted off the time moving forward, I went back to the happiest and subsequently, the most devastating time in my life. The rollercoaster car raced down the track and I fell, face first, into the reason for my unsettledness, Allison.

Chapter 11

Speeding down the tracks, faster and faster, I began to think I would not survive myself much longer. My body and mind had to be under the control of someone else, someone who garnered great pleasure from torture and misery. All those thoughts and feelings I had tried to suppress for so long had found new stamina and gained the ability to break out from behind the walls that once kept them at bay.

After my magical day with Allison at the town festival, and the elation from my center-stage performance, my life had suddenly been cast in new directions. I was headed down a path I never would have believed possible. Lost were the concerns over things that used to dominate my thoughts. No longer did I care about whether or not I was the starting quarterback of the football team or even if I ever played again. My mind was entrenched on only two things: Allison and music.

I barely remembered what I did the rest of the night, after my singing performance, other than walking on air. I was at my highest high. If I had to choose a period in time where everything in my life seemed to be at its best, it would have been the rest of the summer before my senior year. The one perfect moment in my life, without question, would have been the spring
under the old oak tree, before I graduated with Allison,

In the movies, you hear that your life flashes before your eyes the instant before you die. I must be dying, then, because my life with Allison is consuming all of my thoughts and running together so fast that I can hardly breathe. The hands of the clock on the wall have ceased to move, and the room has become dim all around me. The only sound I hear is the beat of my heart, and then I hear Allison’s voice from far away calling my name. I strain my ears to catch her angel-like voice and, suddenly, I am standing next to her once more. Allison is holding on to my hand and she is once again telling me, “This will be a day that I will always remember.”

The reality about flashbacks is they adapt to your current emotions. You never really get to relive them exactly as they happened. Memories often exaggerate the facts; sometimes it is better than the real moment ever was. and at other times, the magic of the memory is diminished by time and maturity. Like a puzzle, that is my life; my time with Allison dominated the number of missing pieces I needed to put back together. Our subconscious stores away the important memories for later in life. When they are needed and, even if we wish them to be lost forever, we can’t stop them, when they climb to the surface of our minds. We see them from slightly different angles, remembering small details that were previously ignored in the thrill or heartache of the moment.

Over a short period in my life, I lived a lifetime of love. It shaped who I was and wanted to be. It drove me to do things I never would have believed I could. I grew out of the skin of a boy to become a man. At no other point in my life had I been so impacted by the people and places around me. It was a time when I experienced all the feelings that became the firsts in my life and, in all cases, the best moments I had or would ever know…

“For me too,” I responded to Allison, and then I took her in my arms and kissed her with all the passion and excitement building up inside of me. It was a defining kiss, one that would be forever locked away within my heart. I would spend the rest of my life trying to find that kiss again. As we broke our embrace, I could hear Allison mutter, “Wow,” under her breath. I smiled and kissed her again. We stood in line to get our drinks, every sight and sound enhanced with heightened sensation. Allison had reawakened the dormant feelings stored away inside of me. My body felt energized and I wanted more.

After I paid for our drinks, we headed back to the stage area to listen to the band for a while longer. Lots of my friends were there, having a great time. We joined with them and stayed until the band finished their final song. Before they broke for the night, several of my friends started chanting, “Jason, Jason!” in an attempt to have the band bring me up to sing again. I couldn’t stop smiling at them, maybe even turning an extra shade or two of red. Vince caught my eye and gave me a big smile. I returned it twofold and mouthed, “Thanks for everything.”

He nodded his head appreciatively and silently replied, “You bet.”

My mind was full of dreams as I danced the final song of the night with Allison, Tina’s sultry voice, crying out for lost love, sang in the background. In my mind, I was standing on a large stage in front of adorning fans, yelling and screaming for me. I couldn’t sing for them until I found Allison. Then I saw her, off to the side of the stage, looking up at me with the belief and confidence I needed to see. She was there waiting for me with open arms, and I understood that, with her by my side, anything was possible. This became the dream of many a restless sleep. In one magical night, my world had been turned upside down and the call of the stage would haunt my dreams more and more as the year wore on.

At midnight, when the street dance finally wound down, Matt and Dani and Allison and I decided to walk home together. Dani didn’t live all that far away from my and Allison’s houses. Allison promised her folks she would be home no later than twelve-thirty, and Dani had a similar curfew. It was easy to tell that Matt and Dani were also hitting it off really well. Dani had her arm around Matt’s waist, and his arm was lazily looped around her shoulders. We were walking slightly ahead of them, lost in our own world. After a while Allison turned to ask Dani a question, but she wasn’t there. Stopping to look back the way we’d come, we saw them silhouetted in the street lamp. Matt had his back resting against a Maple tree and Dani had her arms slung around his neck. Not wanting to interrupt, we turned away and continued our walk home together without them.

Making the last turn on to our street, Allison pulled back slightly, and I followed her lead. Our houses were only a block away, and neither of us was in a hurry to get home. She reached up and put her arms around my neck, and I wrapped mine around her waist, both of us hugging each other tight. I was afraid to let go, wanting to keep her close and prolonging the exhilaration of the night. I could only see the outline of her features in the starlight, but I could feel the heat generated by the closeness of her body. When she stood on her toes to kiss me, I felt her warm breath against my neck and a shiver raced down the back of my spine. I didn’t need to see her face to know she was smiling. We shared one last, tender kiss, and I entered the realm of souls. It is the place where souls join and touch each other, a world where everything is possible, and love is what matters most.

I felt Allison’s heart race and her body pressed even closer. I tried to pull her inside me to join our hearts together. She quickly spun out of my grasp. Before I could pull her back, she sped away, down the sidewalk towards her house. Every part of my being wanted to chase her, but I let her escape and fade away into the night. The magnetic pull between us had been electrifying. In less than a day, we had gone from new neighbors to friends, and then to…what? The question my heart already seemed to know the answer to. Tonight I would be with Allison in my dreams and, once invited there, she would stay forever.

I walked with an amazing lightness the last block to my house. I didn’t remember opening the door and climbing the steps to my room. My last thought as I fell into bed was, “Did I shut the front door?” I couldn’t remember yes or no. I didn’t care; it didn’t really matter in the long-term scheme of things. I had somewhere else more important I needed to be. I was asleep the instant my head touched the pillow, and Allison was already there, waiting for me in my dreams.

When I woke up the next morning, it took a few moments to figure out where I was. In my dreams, I had been performing concerts all over the United States, living the life of a rock star. I looked over at my alarm clock and was surprised to see that it was already ten o’clock. Usually, Grandma would begin making noise if I was still in bed, much after nine. I got up and headed for the bathroom to take a shower before making my way downstairs.

The house was quiet, and I didn’t see any signs of my grandparents. I went into the kitchen and noticed one of Grandpa’s extra large coffee mugs sitting by the coffee maker. I looked inside the cup and it was empty. I put my hand up to the coffee pot. There was just a little warmth left. I grabbed a mug from the cupboard and poured the rest of the coffee from the pot into it. It barely filled my cup half way. I took a long pull on it. I shook my head from side to side as the thick black taste woke up the taste buds in my mouth. The coffee was strong and tasted over-cooked. I grimaced and downed the rest of it in one large swallow.

I rinsed out my cup and set it on the counter next to the sink. I looked out the kitchen window into the back yard and farther off towards Harden creek. I smiled, remembering all of the fun I used to have with Matt and Nick, playing along the creek back there. I had an epic idea come to me and I began to envision a romantic plan of adventure. I would prepare a picnic lunch and take Allison up to Murphy’s field. We’d sit under the great old oak tree and eat our meal. When would be the best time to go? How should I ask Allison? Should I make it a surprise or let her in on any of the details? Those were the questions stirring my thoughts. It would need to be a surprise to gain the fullest effect. I began to plan the perfect afternoon escape, for the two of us. I grinned from ear to ear when I thought of the look Allison would have on her face as my surprise picnic unfolded.