Our Time Is Gone (91 page)

‘Try not to excite yourself, dad,' Desmond said, ‘please try; sure mother will come.'

‘All that wide emptiness I come to—why did you let her do it?'

‘Ah, why, she thought you were gone and well gone, that's all. The creature thought that and nothing else.'

He looked away from the bed, ‘This isn't a man at all,' he thought, ‘that fellow's right, he's grown quite small,' that fellow being the parish priest, Richard Moynihan, and since if he could not call him Father, he could call him Moynihan.

‘Where are you?'

‘I'm here. It's O.K. I'm here.'

‘Can you lift me up a little,' his father said.

He raised him, backed the pillows up behind. ‘No weight, a shell, poor old dad.'

The tom-tom began to beat again in the old man's head. ‘Your mother never came. It hurt me. She always met me off the ship.'

‘She'll come—never fear,' he said.

‘She broke everything up.'

But he had no answer to that.

‘It is Desmond,' he said.

‘Yes, yes, it's me,' he leaned over his father. ‘Would you like me to get you anything?'

‘A drink.'

He gave him water. ‘The doctor says you should go into hospital.'

‘No.'

And nothing seemed more definite to Desmond Fury than that
NO
.

‘But you'll be looked after there dad, they'll get you better.'

‘Sometimes I'm in the sea and sometimes I'm not, but when I'm in the sea it's all flames, and the water gets in my ears, I can't hear what people are saying. Poor little boy, only a little boy he was.'

‘Try not to excite yourself—try not to excite yourself. Now you ought to have a nice sleeping draught, you'll get a good night's sleep, you won't dream a thing, you'll feel fine and grand in the morning.'

‘What's the matter with her?' the old man said, he fixed his eye on his son.

‘Who?'

‘Your mother. Doing that. Doing what she did. My home what I built up.'

The same question, how could he answer that?

‘Mother will tell you.'

‘She's not ill or anything …?'

‘No, but she's a bit tired like you, and no more than that. I know she cried herself to sleep many a night, after you were away that time.'

‘I can't go away any more. They told me I'm finished.' The voice was shaky, the effort suddenly made him cough and splutter.

‘I know that.'

Dennis Fury raised his hand and he caught hold of his son's chin, he held it, he said ‘You were fair cruel to her once.'

‘I know.'

‘I'm glad you know. You can go away. Now go away, leave me alone. Go on, go on, leave me alone,' with some effort he pushed at his son's face.

Desmond felt shame rise and choke him now. He got up, he said awkwardly: ‘I'll come back. Let me fix the pillows flat for you, dad.'

‘Go away.'

Desmond left him, he walked slowly to the door. He opened it silently and went out. He stood on the landing, he gripped the stair rail, ‘I looked at him once there and I thought how it would have been better had the sea taken him, and then the very thought made me sweat and it seemed awful to think it, and again I looked at him and he's the same—a broken old man.'

He still stood there, indecisive. ‘I got where I wanted to get. I got the things I wanted to get. Now I could help them and it's too late. God, if I thought they would laugh again, just once, laugh, I'd feel so different, damn that murdering bloody sea.' The very thought of the murdering sea gave him a different feeling, an assurance, trembling, fugitive, but still an assurance. ‘I'll help them. I'll do anything to make their lives happier. I know I can—I know I will.'

He went heavily down the stairs, he seemed to fumble blindly towards the lighted office, with its air reeking of tobacco smoke, the cheery fire, the warm rug. He found a chair and sat down. When he opened the door the animated conversation between Father Moynihan and Mr Delahane suddenly ceased. They both looked at him.

‘Could you get me a drink?' Desmond said, and raised his eyes to Delahane. He had gone quite pale. He sat hunched in his great travelling coat. He seemed to shiver as though he were suddenly cold.

‘A cup of coffee?' said Delahane

‘A drink,' Desmond said.

‘So you have seen your father,' Father Moynihan said quietly and Desmond said ‘Yes.'

‘And so you think you could stay down here a little longer, and that your conference is not so very important, after all.'

‘I don't know.'

‘Here is some brandy,' Delahane said, handing him the glass.

‘Whatever you do,' Father Moynihan continued, ‘I must tell you that I have just in this half-hour you have been away, made arrangements for your father to go to St Stephen's Hospice. Although it is a Hospice for the dying, there are some people who rise up and live. The Mother Superior, who has been kindness itself to your mother, will I know be equally so to your father.…'

‘I know.'

‘And please God, they will both of them get stronger, and one day I'll send them home to where they belong. I have already been in touch with your aunt.…'

‘Thank you, it is very good of you.'

‘And they will be comfortable there, and your dear mother, whose heart was
always
there, need worry no more. I am going to see your brother-in-law to-morrow, or perhaps you would like to see him yourself.'

‘Perhaps I should do that,' Desmond said; he was trying hard to look at the priest, but his efforts failed. Now he could not look him in the eye. He lowered his head to answer the questions.

‘Well, that's settled. Tell me about your father.'

‘I didn't know him. It was like meeting a stranger. He's a shell of a man now.'

‘How did he seem?'

‘He talked a bit, not very much. He didn't quite know me at first, but I think he recognized my voice after a while, and then he talked more freely. But he's very upset about the home going.'

The priest was watching and waiting to catch that eye, he was on the point of saying, ‘And you, I'm sure, are upset too,' but he suddenly smothered the words in his throat.

‘You could stay the night here, if you wished,' Delahane said, ‘some men went out to-day.'

‘Perhaps I'd better stay. I had thought of calling on my mother. But that can wait.'

‘In which case,' said Father Moynihan, ‘I'll be off.' He rose, walked across the room. He stood looking down at Desmond Fury.

‘I know how you feel,' he said—paused—‘about everything,' and then he picked up his hat and stick, said ‘Goodnight,' and was gone; but the man seated in the chair, who had not looked up at the priest, who had not moved, realized the kindness of those words. Some time after the door had closed, he looked up. Delahane was seated with his knees up, his toes toasting over the fire, a cup of coffee in his hand. He looked round suddenly, Desmond Fury was standing behind him.

‘I think I'll have that cup of coffee,' he said.

‘Right,' said Delahane, and went off at once to get it.

‘I wonder what makes me so awkward, so clumsy, I wonder why I was born a pig.' Desmond Fury began pacing the office, but when the coffee came he sat down and drank it.

‘Quite extraordinary the way your father came back from the sea.'

‘Very extraordinary. I thought him dead. I had
almost
forgotten him.'

‘He was a mess when they brought him up. Terrible the way these young sailors drink to-day, terrible, though, mind you, I couldn't blame them. They'd been in a nice fix; I expect they got drunk just to wash out the experiences. You know, Mr Fury, I've spent nearly the whole of my life with Father Twomey. I began when the Apostleship began, and I tell you that sailors are the oddest lot, all heart and no head the majority of them—simple, like a great wandering tribe of children, but not treated like children. No sir. If you could see the way some of these ship-wrecked men are pitched all over the place by the authorities, what are known as authorities, you'd be surprised. As Father Twomey was saying only yesterday, a package in the post has far more consideration. And another thing, Mr Fury, they're such a fugitive lot, like gypsies really, always on the move—always moving. A strange lot of men!'

‘If you could show me to a bunk,' said Desmond, ‘I'd be glad to lie down. I've been travelling most of the day. And thank you for the coffee.'

He put the cup down—he was ready to go to bed.

‘Just come this way, I'll fix you up.'

‘Father Moynihan offered me a bed for the night, but I didn't want to trouble him.'

‘That's a man you
can't
trouble,' was Delahane's prompt reply, and he showed the other man out.

‘This way.'

‘I'll slip in and see my father first,' Desmond said.

‘Of course. You'll find me at the end of this corridor. And don't be too long. I want to get to bed myself before long. Father Twomey rises at six o'clock.'

Desmond Fury went in to see his father. He was asleep and, watching him, Desmond saw how pale he was, as though the act of sleep had drained more blood away from him. The features were like marble.

‘That awful scar,' he said to himself; he touched it, he followed its livid course with the tip of his forefinger. ‘Whatever struck him, struck his manhood from him.'

He listened. His father's breathing came almost imperceptibly soft, yet uneven, the breathing of a tired child.

‘Ireland for you, old man,' Desmond said. ‘Ireland for you and no more working.' It made him feel more comfortable saying it.

‘Good-night,' he said to the fast sleeping man. He then went out.

‘Thank you for your kindness,' he said to Delahane. ‘I'll send a donation to the office as soon as I get back to London. I've heard a lot of what the Apostleship of the Sea does for sailors.…'

‘Of
all
denominations,' said Delahane, ‘all colours.'

‘And now I've seen it, thank you again. Please call me at seven o'clock.'

‘Very good. Good-night to you.'

Desmond undressed and got into the little iron bed. His feet stretched far beyond it, it was decidedly uncomfortable. He tried curling up, he drew his knees up and down, he turned from side to side, but he could not settle himself. Finally, he removed the bed and made it on the floor. He lay more comfortable there.

‘It must have been …, but I'd better not think about it.'

Instead he thought of London, his wife, his flat, his conference to-morrow, the interview with Hughes—the nomination—and then the whole picture melted away, his wife, his plans, further than he could reach. He shut his eyes. He tried to sleep. ‘I'll see mother first thing in the morning. I'll make all the arrangements. In a month I hope they'll be gone, both of them. We are too scattered ever to come together again—and now it doesn't matter.'

He kept opening and shutting his eyes, a brown stain on the ceiling began to irritate him. He got up and switched off the light.

‘I expect he knows all about Peter.'

‘And Maureen.'

‘And old Joe.'

‘And that awful bitch Ragner.'

‘I expect he knows everything and perhaps will not, will never say anything. Poor dad. Just a nice, simple, hardworking, good-hearted man. Mother led him a dance all right. Ah, but it's no use travelling old roads, they're too long and at the end of them, there's your brick wall. What's done is done. I hope, some way or other they'll be able to see Peter before they go. That reminds me, I ought to write him a letter.' He tossed and turned over on his bed. ‘For some people there's a lot of effort, and it's all quite futile in the end. Yes, in the end there's only yourself, just yourself, lonely as a bloody whale is lonely.'

He lay quite still, ‘Ah, I'll start counting the sheep. That'll send me off to sleep.' He counted ten, twenty, a hundred—he looked out at the darkness melting over the room, was suddenly aware of the liquid-like light filling the room. ‘I hope he does call me at seven o'clock.'

But he was called much earlier than that by his father's screams.

Chapter 3

The moment he saw the tall man pass the window, Joseph Kilkey was on his feet and fumbling somewhat clumsily with the catch of the door. This he opened wide and the visitor came in. He towered over Kilkey. He stood in the centre of the kitchen, he stared about him. This was the first time he had ever visited the man's home. He looked closely at Kilkey, still silent. At last he sat down.

‘It was good of you to come all this way to see me,' Mr Kilkey said.

The other gave a grunt. ‘You have come to see me many times, Kilkey,' he replied, ‘think of it, once a month for nearly twenty years, and if I may say so, as regular as the clock.' He now removed his cap. The large well-shaped head was thickly covered with grey hair. The huge Ulster in which he sat was frayed at the sleeves and elbows. He had a small mouth, it seemed somewhat out of place in the long face.

‘I am glad you came. You have heard the news. Father Moynihan has just told me. It
was
a surprise!'

‘Nothing surprises
me
, Cornelius Delaney, Secretary of the St Vincent de Paul Society, and if you had had the thirty years' experience I have had, nothing would surprise you either. I've spent most of a lifetime dealing with human desperation. But I am glad to see you, Kilkey, though I must confess all this,' here he waved his hand which seemed to embrace the entire kitchen, ‘but all this … dear me—you
have
been reduced. How lonely it must be for you, which brings me to the point, at least one of the points—the other,' he indicated a tin collecting box which stood on the dresser, ‘I'll empty that box and take the contents back with me. I was sorry to hear you had been laid up with such a bad cold—and it shows how much I think of you Kilkey, that I, a very busy man, have come these miles out to see you. But oh, to what a pass you have come. I say it distresses me—Ah, there's no doubt you sailed into a sea of trouble when you married that Fury girl. You seem to have married the whole family, Kilkey, and that's a fact.'