Out (20 page)

Jana smiles
enigmatically at him, and then checks for David’s reaction. He’s sitting still
as stone, white knuckling the coffee mug. “I guess that’s it,” she says. “I ask
questions because I care.”

McFarland is
staring at me kind of obviously, like he wants me to acknowledge him, so I
return the stare and smile in the most friendly way I can muster, which
probably looks sort of dorky.

“Chris, ready
for tomorrow’s road trip?”

“Oh, yeah.” I
nod and try to say as little as possible.

“We’re leaving
at 3 o’clock, so make sure you’re packed. We’ve got to be there by 6 p.m. or
they’ll lock us out and we’ll have to sleep in the car.” He laughs at his own
joke, but it makes me nauseous. If I had to sleep in a car with him, I’d sleep
with my hand clutching a tire iron.

“Oh, by the
way,” Jana says as if she just remembered. “Chris is coming with me to help my
friend Danny move his stuff to a bigger room. So we’ll just have some pizza
over there.” She grabs my arm and pulls me toward the stairs. “Just
gonna
change into something grungy.”

“Wait,” David
says in that tone of voice that refuses to accept argument. “We were expecting
Chris to be home for dinner.”

Jana turns
slowly. It feels like a showdown without firearms. No less dangerous, though. “Chris
has already made a commitment. I’m sure you wouldn’t want him to break a
commitment, would you?” she asks evenly.

McFarland
stares down at the tablecloth, picking at one of those stupid Marie Antoinette
napkins. Thankfully, Warren sweeps in as if he were Superman and we were little
Metropolites
being crushed by
Lex
Luthor
. “What’s all this?” he asks in transit toward
the sink. “Jim, are you staying for dinner?”

“I—”

“Please, stay,”
David says warmly, rising to hug Warren. “It’s fine. If Chris needs to go
somewhere, we can hang out, just the three of us. You’ll be spending a lot of
time this weekend getting to know each other.”
 
He sends me a smile that is meant to say all is forgiven. I know that’s
not really the message.

McFarland
doesn’t, though. He looks glad that at least this family feud has concluded. “Sure,
Chris. Go ahead and help your sister. That’s what brothers are for, right?” He
stands and gives me a friendly, coach-like hug, nothing like the grab in the
kitchen the night before.

“Great,” Jana
says, inserting herself between us, giving McFarland a huge hug. “Thanks so
much for understanding, Mr. McFarland.”

He awkwardly
hugs back, acting as if touching Jana might give him cooties. “Call me Jim,” he
says uncomfortably.

“Warren, can we
borrow your wheels?” She dances around him in the kitchen.

“Sure. You know
where the keys are.” He leans into the refrigerator. “You won’t be home for
dinner?”

“Probably not.
Danny has a lot of stuff.” She gives him a hug.

With a girly
wave, Jana grabs my arm, scoops the keys from a bowl near the door, and we
bolt. I’m trying not to laugh out loud from the sheer and simple joy of getting
away with something. We run to the SUV like we’re being chased, pile in, and
double over with laughter and adrenaline. “Awesome,” I breathe.

“Where to
first?”

“
Andi’s
.”

 
She peels out, spurting gravel from the SUV’s
back tires. “And we make the great escape!”

 
“Thanks for helping.” My heart is still
beating too fast. “I can’t believe you did that!”

Jana steers the
car toward town, and keeps her eyes on the road as she says, “You can’t say
anything about this to
Andi
, you know.”

“I know.” I
hadn’t really planned what I wanted to say. I guess I just wanted to see her
again before…

 
Jana pulls up in front of
Andi’s
house, leaves the car running, and says, “I’ll be back in about ten minutes.
Remember, don’t say anything.”

 
“Where are you going?”

 
“Just an errand. I won’t be long.”

 
I nod at her as I open the door. “Okay. See
you in a bit.” As if we’re just doing regular-people stuff. Not like we’re
planning to overthrow a theocracy.

It takes five
minutes for someone to answer
Andi’s
door when I ring
the bell. I hear scuffling inside, the sound of tense voices, and then a drape
on the bay window moves just a bit before the door opens and
Andi’s
smiling on the other side.

“Hey, Chris.”
She steps forward, pulls the white colonial door closed behind her, blocking
the entrance. “What’s up?”

“Just wanted to
come by and see what you’re doing.” I stamp my feet a bit and blow on my hands,
the universal signal for asking to be invited in. Either she doesn’t pick up on
it, or she ignores it. “So, what’re you doing?”

“Not much, not
much.” She glances back, very slightly, over her shoulder. “I’m kind of busy
right now, though, so can I call you later?”

“Actually, I’m
going out of town tomorrow, so I was hoping to talk to you before then.” I lean
in to her. “I’m going to Indian Lake. With Jim McFarland.”

That shocks the
smile off her face. “What?”

I nod, grin
sheepishly. And then I realize: I’m not sure I trust
Andi
.
Even if I could…I don’t know if I can tell her the truth. We’ve been friends
since we were kids, but now…I am not totally convinced that she supports me, or
this, and I don’t exactly know why. Maybe it’s how weird she’s acting.

She glances
behind her again, and grabs my arm, marching me toward the street. “You're
wearing slippers,” I point out. She ignores me.

We walk briskly
to the corner, turn right, and after about a block, we’re at a small park. “What
are you doing?” she asks, anger in her eyes.

“What do you
mean?” I sit on a wooden picnic table painted dark green, etched with
decades-old declarations of love.

She joins me on
the table and pulls her feet up under her in a yoga position. “You know what I
mean. Why are you going out of town with him?”

I can’t look at
her. “Just a get-acquainted trip, really.” I pick at the old paint with my
fingernail. “Only a few days.”

“Chris. Chris!”
She shoves me, hard, forcing me to look her in the eye. “You know what I mean.
What about…you know?”

“You can’t even
say it now.” I shake my head. “Did somebody talk to you? Why are you acting so
weird?”

“No.” But her
voice doesn’t sound convincing. Does it? I don’t even know anymore. “Just…after
we talked, and you saw her, I thought that you were planning something
different.”

“Do you care?”

Her red curls
cover her face as she stares down at the ground. “Of course.”

There’s an
awkward silence between us. “Jana’s coming back to pick me up soon. I just
wanted to see you before…the weekend.” I reach into my coat pocket and produce
a gum-foil sculpture of a dove. “A parting gift.”

She takes the
little silver bird in her hand, then looks up at me, tears in her eyes. “Why?
Why did you have to see me before you left?”

I could tell
her. But when you do things like what I’m going to do, you really can’t afford
to trust anyone. “Just because we haven’t talked for a while. I just wanted to
see how you were.” I decide to add, “You seemed weird on the phone the other
day. And then when I called today…well…”

“You mean when
you asked me to help you set up a meeting with her?” she spits. “Do you know
what would happen if anyone found out I did that?”

“I thought you
were going to help me. What happened to that?”

She pounds the
table with her fist. “I was going to help you cope with it. I was going to help
you…pretend it wasn’t true. Or something. Not this. Not help you really
be
one.”

“Be what,
Andi
? A Perpendicular? Are you afraid to even say the word?”
I grab her chin, force her to look at me. “I’m the same person I’ve always
been. Why does this make anything different?”

“It does. It
just does. Because everyone we know expects you to be something else. Do you
think they’ll just be okay with it, Chris? They’ll throw you in a pit and
forget about you, like Carmen said. I don’t want that to happen.”

“Then why did
you help me?”

“You asked me
to.” She leans over and hugs me, tight. “Don’t ask me again. I can’t be
responsible for what will happen to you. I already feel guilty about setting up
that meeting. You’re going to get caught. It’s just a matter of time.”

“I told you,
I’m going away with McFarland this weekend.”

“You think I
don’t know what that means?” she says bitterly. “I don’t want to know any more
details. Don’t tell me. Just—” her voice becomes a whisper in my ear as she
leans close, arms around my shoulders. “Just be careful.” Her tears roll down
onto my jacket, she wipes her eyes with her sleeve, and she looks me in the eye
one more time before releasing me and running through dead leaves, never
looking back. The silver foil dove sits forlornly on the table.

I wait. Hollowness
expands and seems to eat up anything I have inside. Breath, breath, smell of
rotted pine needles, smell of old paint, of cold. A path of disturbed debris
where my best friend ran away from me, crying. Hollowness.

Trudging back
toward
Andi’s
house, I try not to think about what
she said, but it’s impossible. I can see why she doesn’t want to know the
details. I wonder if anyone suspects, or if they’ve been talking to her. Maybe
that’s why she sounded so weird on the phone, why she was at some party I
didn’t know anything about. Maybe she’s working for them. Would she do that?
Why?

Jana is parked,
car engine running, in front of
Andi’s
. There’s no
sign of my friend. I climb into the SUV, close the door.

“Where’s
Andi
? Did you get to talk to her?”

I just nod.

“What happened?”
She steps on the gas and we glide away from
Andi’s
house, a place I played in and slept in and cried in. I won’t see it again.

“She’s afraid.”
That’s the bottom line, really. She’s afraid. Of what will happen to me, to
her, to me and Carmen, to all of us. Suddenly I see the whole tapestry of fear
that has been woven over us, this idea that different is automatically bad and
threatening. Why? Why has it come to this?

“Did you tell
her? Does she know?” Jana sounds afraid too. Fear drives everything, I guess.

“I think she
suspects, but she didn’t want me to tell her anything. I told her I was going
away with McFarland this weekend.”

“Why did you
tell her that?” Jana hisses. “She might tell someone.”

“It’s not a
secret, Jana. In fact, I’m sure David has been telling anybody who will listen
that I’m going on a courting trip with a future bishop. I’d imagine everybody
in town knows about it.”

“Hmm.” It’s
only about five minutes to the
Goldmans
, and to
Carmen. My palms start to sweat, and my heart beats faster. “You can’t talk to
Carmen for too long. Remember, we’re here for me to see her, not you. Right?”

“Right.” We
stare straight ahead, and I count the black cars we pass—seven in all. Jana
eases the Escalade snug to the curb outside
Lainie
Goldman’s house, an exposed-stone and wood two-story that looks like it had
another life as a ski lodge.

Jana jumps out
of the car and I follow. The porch is so closed in and dark it feels like we’ve
entered a cave.

Lainie
opens the door wearing what can only be described as
a dead polyester leopard that obviously took a walk on the wrong day and got on
the wrong side of
Lainie’s
credit card. “Jana! Chris!
What a nice surprise. Come on in.” She opens the redwood door (it has twisted
wrought-iron bars over the small window…kind of medieval torture chamber motif)
and we go into the plush and ridiculously overdone foyer. Of course
Lainie
Goldman would have a foyer.

The movie-set
décor takes my mind off our mission until Carmen walks into the room. Then I
feel dizzy and sick and wonderful all at once. “Hi Jana,” she says casually,
giving my sister a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Chris.” She barely looks at me.
That’s a good thing. “What’s up?”

Lainie
realizes she and her leopard could be happier elsewhere,
away from the teenagers. “I’ll just leave you alone, kids,” she says. “I’ve got
something in the oven. Carmen, feel free to entertain your guests in the living
room.” She clicks away on oversized marabou-trimmed slippers.

Jana speaks a
bit too loudly. “Carmen, we just wanted to see if you’d like to go get some
coffee or something. We were out doing some errands, figured we’d check in.”
She smiles winningly, just in case anyone is watching.

Carmen smiles
too, but turns her sparkling eyes on me. “Love to. Let me just get my coat and
tell
Lainie
where we’re going. Be right back.” She
disappears into the labyrinth of the lodge, leaving Jana and me to wait. A
clock ticks somewhere, and seems so loud that I can’t believe no one has shot
it off the wall.

“Okay, let’s
go.” Carmen sweeps past us, opens the dungeon door, and we’re free. I want to
run for the Escalade, but exercise self-control and just walk quickly.

“I’ll ride in
back.” I
fold
my legs into the back seat while Carmen
lifts herself into the front next to Jana. Her silky hair swings in front of
me, and it takes everything I have not to reach out and touch it.

As we pull away
from the curb, I notice that a curtain in an upstairs window moves back into
place. Seems to be a trend today. “Somebody’s watching you?” I ask.