Out of Breath (18 page)

The sermon began, and the murmuring stopped. I didn’t look over at her as the reverend offered a prayer and strangers said kind words about a woman who hadn’t earned them.

The reverend returned to the pulpit and said, ‘At this time, I’d like to invite Rachel’s daughter, Emma, up to say a few words.’

I froze and turned my head towards Sara, whose mouth hung agape as she stared at me in shock.

Emma slowly rose and made her way to the stairs that led to the pulpit.

‘Oh no,’ Sara murmured beside me.

‘Do you know what she’s going to say?’ I asked, unable to breathe properly.

‘I’m afraid to find out,’ Sara whispered, not taking her eyes off Emma.

My hands shook as I positioned myself behind the black-draped pulpit. I glanced in Sara’s direction and was suddenly rocked by the memory of her impassioned plea.

She hurt you, Emma, over and over again. You can let her go now. Don’t let her hurt you any more.

I redirected my attention out at the drawn faces awaiting my words. Words that I hadn’t prepared. So I decided that in this moment I would be … honest.

‘I don’t want to be here.’ My voice came out strained
and barely audible. ‘None of us should be here.’ I cleared my throat and again looked towards Sara, whose large unblinking eyes followed my every movement as she gripped the pew in front of her.

She can’t keep hurting you and using you like an emotional punching bag. How many times do you have to forgive her before she destroys you?

‘I wouldn’t be able to begin to list the ways my mother has shaped me. I am the person I am because of her, and I awaken each day reminded of how she has contributed to my existence. I blame her –’ I paused, clearing my throat again as I gnashed my teeth together – ‘early departure on an unforgiving fate. Tragedy was too familiar to us both. It claimed my father many years ago. She lived so much of her life in pain. A pain that I witnessed helplessly for years. In the end she couldn’t live with it, and didn’t know how to let it go. Maybe now she will find the peace she spent so much of my life searching for, now that she is finally with him.’

This is about you. It’s always been about you – what you want, how you feel, who you want to be with. Why do you keep obsessing over a man who never loved you?

I pried my hands open from their frozen grasp of the pulpit. My entire body shook as I walked down the steps towards the aisle. The McKinleys rose to allow me access to the pew, but I lowered my head and kept walking.

‘Where’s she going?’ Sara whispered in a panic.

‘I don’t know,’ I responded, looking after her along with everyone else in the church as she headed towards the large
double doors at end of the aisle, and pushed them open. They sealed shut behind her.

‘Go down the side aisle,’ I instructed Sara. There was a stir in the pews as the mourners whispered in speculation.

I followed Sara down the dark carpet towards the back of the church as the reverend’s authoritative tone redirected the attention back to the pulpit, where he began reciting scripture.

We pushed through the heavy wooden doors, out to the stone steps. The sun seemed impossibly bright after the gloominess of the church. I shielded my eyes to look for Emma.

The town car was gone.

I
EASED OPEN THE DOOR AND GENTLY CLOSED
it behind me. She continued to stare out the large window, her legs drawn in to her, sitting on the window’s ledge.

I bumped into a stool, not paying attention to anything but her. Emma turned towards me, her eyes reflective and full of a sorrow that tore at my heart.

‘You’re not supposed to be here,’ she said, her voice coated in pain. ‘It’s not
you
who’s supposed to find me.’

The bite in her tone kept me from moving forward. ‘But I’m the only one who knows you’d be here.’

Emma closed her eyes, and I could see the muscle in her jaw flex as she fought to contain the emotions bubbling to the surface. I wanted to tell her to let them out. To stop fighting it.

‘I know why you needed to leave,’ I told her.

She began shaking her head, like she could force it all away.

‘I won’t cry for her,’ she croaked. ‘I won’t cry for her.’ She swallowed hard. ‘She doesn’t deserve my tears. She did this. She chose this. She doesn’t get to make me cry for her.’ Her entire
frame recoiled in pain and anger, quivering to fend off the unwanted sorrow.

I stepped closer, fighting every instinct to hold her, to comfort her. Instead, I remained out of reach. That’s not why I was there.

Emma became still, burying her face in her knees. She lifted her head with her eyes closed, breathing in the scents that floated through the Art room. I waited for her to open her eyes, to find that I was still here.

‘Are you here to drive me to Sara’s?’ she asked, her voice calm, her eyes blank. I nodded, startled by the transformation.

‘I sent the town car back to the church to pick up Sara.’

‘Okay.’ She exhaled. ‘Let’s go.’

I rushed through the front door without looking at a single face that crowded the first floor. I gripped the white paper bag in my hand and hurried up the stairs.

‘You stopped for burgers?’ I heard Sara snap at Evan.

‘What? She hasn’t eaten in two days. So, yes, we stopped for burgers.’ His voice faded as I climbed.

I collapsed on the white leather couch in Sara’s entertainment room, rummaging through the bag for the burger and scooping a few fries from the bottom that I hadn’t eaten in the car. I couldn’t recall ever being this hungry.

‘Feeling any better?’ Sara asked as she reached the top of the stairs.

I nodded, my mouth full of the greasy burger that I could’ve sworn was the best thing I’d ever tasted. I wiped the ketchup from my lip and took a sip of the soda.

‘I’m sorry,’ I told Sara as she sat down next to me.

‘For what?’ she asked, like she had no idea what I was talking about.

‘Are you serious?’ I scoffed. ‘I’ve been a selfish lunatic the past two days. And you’ve had to drag my sorry ass around the entire time, taking care of me every minute. I’m so sorry that I’m an awful friend.’

Sara shook her head, nudging my shoulder with hers. ‘You needed me. And I was there for you. It’s that simple. But I’d prefer it if you didn’t drink … ever again.’

I laughed lightly. ‘I will never touch vodka again, that’s for sure.’

‘Me neither.’ Sara smirked. ‘And I’m sorry about … you know …’ She eyed me cautiously, having a hard time finishing. ‘About what I said at the hotel … and staying at Evan’s.’

‘We don’t need to talk about it,’ I told her, taking another bite of the burger, unable to stop wondering where he was. Whether he’d stayed and was downstairs, or if he’d already driven home.

‘Thanks. I really appreciate you helping me out,’ I said before hanging up. I turned to find Jared behind me.

‘Who was that?’ he enquired, eyeing the untouched plate of food Anna had handed to me when I arrived. ‘Are you going to eat that?’

‘Go for it,’ I encouraged him. ‘I’m surprised you’re here.’ I diverted the conversation from his initial question.

‘What is that supposed to mean?’ he asked, sitting down at the glass-topped table on the enclosed porch, stuffing his face with garlic bread.

‘That you’re in Sara’s house,’ I clarified. ‘That’s … bold of you. To show your face here.’

‘I think her dad was about to slam the door when he saw me.’

I laughed.

‘What, do you think you’re going to earn points by sticking around and helping them clean up?’

‘I’m not going to push it,’ he said, working on the lasagne slice.

‘So … do you mind driving me to the airport tomorrow?’

I crumpled up the paper bag and rested my head back against the couch.

‘There you are,’ I heard Anna say from the landing. I turned my head to find her walking towards us. ‘Sara, could you give us a minute, please?’

My stomach swirled uncomfortably at her request.

‘I’ll be downstairs,’ Sara told me, letting her mother take her place on the couch.

‘Come here, Emma.’ Anna invited me to lean against her, her arm spread wide. My heart twisted as I leaned in to her, allowing her to wrap her arm around me. I inhaled her elegant floral scent and closed my eyes as she ran her fingers through my short hair. ‘You’ve had a hard time the last couple of days, and I’m so sorry.’

I swallowed, unable to form words.

‘We’ll take care of you,’ she murmured into the top of my head, kissing me gently. ‘I think you should talk to someone about what’s going on inside of you, though. I can only imagine what you must be feeling.’

I remained silent, not at all tempted to explore the explosive range of emotions shredding my insides.

‘I worry about you all the time,’ she continued. ‘I don’t know how to make you feel safe. And as a mother, that’s
all I ever want for you and Sara. For you to feel safe and loved.’

‘I do,’ I whispered. ‘I always do when I’m in your house.’

‘I wish you could feel the same when you leave it.’

We sat in silence for a moment longer, my head resting against her chest, listening to her heart. Her thin arms held me with a strength that did make me feel safe and loved within them.

‘Can I ask you something?’ I said in a hushed tone.

‘Of course,’ she encouraged me.

‘Did she … did she really hang herself?’ I closed my eyes, bracing for her answer.

‘Yes, she did,’ Anna answered, gentle but firm.

‘Where?’

‘At the house on Decatur Street.’

Air rushed from my lungs. ‘From the banister?’

‘Yes.’

My chest felt tight, like there wasn’t any room left to breathe. Like I was suffocating in pain.

‘Did she suffer?’

‘No,’ I heard Anna whisper, her voice breaking.

I pulled back to look at her, and tears trailed down her face.

‘Why?’ I asked, my eyes stinging with each blink.

Anna’s just shook her head. ‘I don’t know. She didn’t leave a note. But even if she had, I don’t know if she’d ever be able to truly explain why she chose to end her life. I’m so sorry, Emma.’

‘Thank you,’ I replied, my chin quivering. Witnessing Anna’s pain was almost too much to bear. ‘You were
always so good to her … through everything. And thank you for everything you’ve done the past week. I know I haven’t been much help, and I’m sorry.’

‘Do not apologize,’ Anna insisted, wiping her cheeks and blowing out of her pursed lips. ‘Carl and I care about you. And we’ll help you through this.’

‘Thank you,’ I repeated.

‘Do you have to go back to California tomorrow?’

I nodded.

‘I know,’ she responded with a saddened understanding. ‘But will you consider speaking to someone, like I asked?’

I nodded again, knowing that I wouldn’t.

‘I appreciate everything you did today,’ Sara said to me as she sat down beside me on the large wraparound sectional in the McKinleys’ entertainment room. ‘I know it was hard for you too.’

I sat quietly for a moment. ‘Yeah, it wasn’t easy,’ I answered carefully. ‘So will you do one thing for me in return?’

‘What’s that?’ she asked, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.

‘Let Jared and I drive you two to the airport tomorrow.’

Sara stared at me, trying to figure out if there was a hidden agenda behind my request. Of course there was.

‘Why?’ she asked suspiciously.

‘I just want to make sure she’s okay before she leaves again.’ It was a fairly honest answer.

‘I guess,’ she answered hesitantly. ‘But Emma and I sit in the back … alone.’

I was trying hard not to smile. ‘That’s fine.’

‘What are you doing here?’ I heard Carl practically growl at the bottom of the stairs. I trotted down the last flight and stumbled over a couple of steps when Evan came into view. His eyes drifted up towards me, at first in alarm, but when he saw that I’d caught myself from falling, his lips spread into that heart-stopping grin – the one he’d greeted me with at the bottom of these stairs more times than I could count.

‘Hey,’ he said, his eyes flicking away as I continued to gawk at him.

‘What’s going on?’ I asked, my attention diverted to Carl, who looked just as surprised as I was to find Jared and Evan in his doorway.

‘Our bags are in the sitting room,’ Sara announced as she hopped down the stairs, ignoring my scrunched eyes and her father’s questioning expression. ‘Oh, I forgot to tell you, Dad. You don’t need to drive us to the airport.’

‘I can see that,’ he responded, still wary. ‘Are you
sure
?’

‘Yeah, it’s fine,’ Sara said lightly, kissing her dad on the cheek with a smile. Then I heard her lean in and tell him, ‘It’s
just
a ride to the airport.’

He kissed her back, then redirected his attention to Jared, his eyes narrowed in warning.

Jared smiled uncomfortably and rushed past him to retrieve our bags.

‘What the frig are you thinking?’ I murmured to her as she slung her carry-on tote over her shoulder.

‘It’s a ride, Emma. Don’t worry. It won’t even be an hour.’ She smiled assuredly, but my insides curled into knots, knowing something was up.

I slipped by Evan, and followed Sara out the front door after hugging Anna and Carl goodbye.

The colour had returned to her face, and although any expression in her eyes was still elusive, she looked … beautiful. I had a hard time keeping the smile off my face when she practically fell down the stairs upon seeing me. It was one thing to convince myself I was over her and needed to move on, but it was another thing when she was standing right in front of me.

The drive to the airport was quiet, so I selected music to fill the silence. I noticed Sara watching Emma out of the corner of her eye when I turned towards Jared. Sara was worried. There was something I didn’t know, something Sara wasn’t telling me. Was I really ready for this … even if I ended up hurting worse in the end? But then again, I didn’t think that was possible.

My eyes kept drifting to the back of his neck, tracing his neatly trimmed hairline. He’d shift slightly and steal glances at Sara, and I’d catch a glimpse of his perfectly chiselled profile, with his long slender nose, angled cheekbone and defined brow. My heart would convulse, and I’d quickly look away to keep the heat from rising in my cheeks. I could survive this for one hour … maybe.

When we pulled up along the kerb at the airport, Jared and Evan got out to help remove our bags. That’s when I saw the other bags stacked in the trunk.

‘Are you kidding me?!’ I practically yelled at Sara, convinced that she was in on this. She stared back at me just as confused.

We both turned towards Evan, glaring at him accusingly.

‘I told you this was a bad idea,’ Jared murmured. ‘You seem to be batting a thousand with those lately.’

‘Shut up, Jared,’ Evan said under his breath, before shrugging towards Sara and I. ‘What? I’m spending the summer with Nate in Santa Barbara.’

Sara’s mouth dropped open. ‘Are you serious?’

‘What’s the big deal?’ he questioned, feigning innocence. ‘You’re going back to Palo Alto, right?’ I knew he wasn’t being completely honest. He was a terrible liar.

Sara huffed and grabbed her bags. ‘Come on, Emma.’

‘This can’t be happening,’ I said to her, rolling my suitcase after her.

‘Don’t worry,’ she assured me, ‘it’s going to be okay.’

‘Smooth,’ Jared teased, shutting the trunk as the girls stormed off. ‘Could you have been any more obvious?’

‘Well … they’d find out eventually, wouldn’t they?’

‘Do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?’ he asked, shaking his head.

‘Not really,’ I confessed, even after spending the entire night convincing myself I was doing the right thing. ‘But I never do when it comes to her. So why should that change?’

Jared sighed. ‘I’ll be there in a couple of weeks. Did you tell Nate you were arriving early?’

‘Yeah, I talked to him last night. No one will be at the house, but I know where the key is, so it’s not an issue.’

‘Good luck,’ Jared offered, leaning in for a quick embrace and smack on the back. He looked at me again before getting in his Volvo with a short laugh and shake of his head.

I didn’t try to find the girls. I knew we’d be on the same planes together all the way to Santa Barbara. I’d made sure of it after I saw their itinerary hanging on the McKinleys’ refrigerator.
What I didn’t know was where they were staying while in Santa Barbara … or who else would be there.

‘Nate’s house is down the street from Cole’s,’ I told Sara, my nerves wreaking havoc. I thought I was about to be sick all over again.

‘What?!’ Sara exclaimed, drawing the attention of the passengers seated around us. ‘Why didn’t I know this until now? And how do
you
know this?!’

‘Uh … I ended up at a party at Nate’s over spring break, the week I spent with Cole. He kind of got me through a night of tequila when I found out I was at Evan’s best friend’s house.’

‘Holy fuck!’ Sara gaped. ‘I’m trying to get over the fact that this is the first time I’m hearing this. But … holy fuck. So … Cole knows Nate?’