Out of Breath (33 page)

‘I’m a couple of pages behind,’ he told me. ‘Do you mind if I catch up real quick?’

‘Go ahead,’ I said, pinching the stem of the leaf that was still in my hand, brushing it gently against his chest.

I lay there silently as he read. I could feel the heat from his body along my skin. I could hear the erratic beating of his heart. I was being pulled to him, and it was becoming too much for me to resist. Just as I was about to move away, Evan said, ‘I’m going to miss that house.’ His gaze was focused on the leaf I was nervously playing with.

He rested the opened book on his stomach and brushed
his fingers along my arm. I propped up on my elbow so I could see him, still closer than I should’ve been.

‘What do you mean?’

‘My mother’s selling it,’ he told me, his voice heavy and quiet.

‘She can’t do that,’ I said passionately, my heart convulsing at the thought of it belonging to anyone else.

‘I’m working on it,’ he assured me with a deflated breath. ‘But it’s not looking good.’

I lowered my head back on his chest, reflecting.

‘I love this tree,’ I said in a hushed tone, ‘and the swing.’ I stared at the leaf so he wouldn’t see the emotion surfacing.

‘Me too,’ he muttered softly. ‘And the barn. That was such a great place to escape to.’

‘Yeah.’ I flipped the leaf over on his chest. ‘If those walls could talk, right?’

Evan laughed. ‘I would listen.’ I smiled fondly at the thought of what they’d say.

‘Those woods freaked me out though,’ I recalled. ‘Or maybe it was your driving.’

‘Hey,’ he balked defensively. ‘I thought I was pretty good on that bike. You didn’t trust me?’

‘Only when my eyes were closed,’ I teased.

‘I
love
that kitchen,’ Evan stressed. ‘I set it up exactly how I wanted it.’

‘The kitchen, really?’ I laughed. ‘Of course you’d love the kitchen.’

‘If I remember correctly, you loved that kitchen too.’

‘It was more about the food than the kitchen,’ I corrected.
I paused, mentally walking the halls of the house, inhaling the scent of wood and polish. ‘You never did play the piano for me.’

‘No,’ he said quickly. ‘That never did, or will, happen. My parents forced me take lessons, but these fingers are most definitely not meant to play the piano.’ He splayed his fingers in front of him, and I grinned, lying back against his shoulder to look up at them.

‘Yeah, you’re right; they don’t look worthy of a piano,’ I mocked.

‘I wish I could’ve swum in that pool at least once.’

‘I still don’t believe there was a pool. I think it was just a hole, because why else would it never get uncovered?’

‘Guess we’ll never know,’ he sighed, his voice heavy. ‘I can’t believe she’s selling it. The best moments of my life happened in that house.’

‘Mine too,’ I whispered, lost in the remembrance of all the life-changing moments that had happened while I was protected within the borders of that property. Evan was quiet. I suddenly realized what we were
really
saying.

‘Have you caught up?’ I asked, clearing my throat.

Evan picked up the book again. ‘Yeah.’

We began reading. I’d nod when I was done with the page, being the slower reader – or maybe he wasn’t really reading any more.

At one point he shifted, and I could feel his breath along my cheek. I couldn’t concentrate. My heart raced, and my body flooded with heat.

I closed my eyes, pushing away the desire to tilt my head up towards him. I knew he was right there; I could feel him. I pressed my lips together and inhaled. When I
opened my eyes, the book was gone, and Evan had carefully removed the leaf from my hand.

‘I know this is hard,’ Evan said in an exhale, rolling on his side with his arm still under my neck. I kept facing up, staring at the ceiling, trying to breathe. I knew I should move away, but I couldn’t. ‘I feel it too. And I’m having just as hard a time resisting, Emma. Because I don’t want to do anything we’re not ready for.’

I closed my eyes, my chest tightening, knowing
I
wasn’t ready. But the firmness of his body against my side and his scent held me captive, keeping me from moving a single muscle. I was afraid to lose this – his touch, his warmth. His hand ran across my stomach, and I inhaled quickly.

‘Oh, Emma,’ he murmured in my ear, making me bite my lip. His fingers coiled into a fist on my stomach, and his arm tightened in restraint. ‘Maybe I should go upstairs.’

Just as he turned on his back, I uttered, ‘Don’t go.’ He was suddenly very still. ‘You’re right. We’re not ready. And I don’t know what’s happening between us. But … if you can, will you just lie with me? If you can’t, I …’

‘I can do that.’

He exhaled deeply. I realized he needed some distance, so I rolled on my side and shut off the light. A few minutes later, Evan slid behind me and I found his hand, gripping it tightly in front of me.

‘Goodnight, Emma,’ he whispered in my ear just before he kissed the top of my head. My breath faltered. I squeezed his hand, and as impossible as it seemed, I fell asleep.

I
THOUGHT I HEARD VOICES. I TRIED TO
ignore them, but they were … giggly and almost shrieking. I shifted and Evan mumbled something behind me, his arm still draped over me. ‘Evan?’ Still deep in sleep, he didn’t respond.

I listened again and heard, ‘I’m so glad you’re here. We’re going to have the best weekend.’ I shot up in bed, forcing Evan to roll over.

‘Evan, wake up,’ I urged in a panic.

‘Yeah, Emma’s still in bed,’ Sara said to one of the girls. ‘Her room’s right there, if you want to wake her.’

‘Shit, Evan.’ I shoved him. He blinked his eyes open. ‘The girls are here. Get out of my bed.’

‘What?’ he mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

‘Get out, now.’ I pushed against his shoulder. ‘They’re coming into my room.’

He finally caught on just as a knock sounded at my door. Evan scrambled out of the bed and practically fell over, tripping on the sheets in his dazed state. He disap
peared behind the bathroom door as Serena poked her head in.

‘Emma?’ When she saw that I was awake, she smiled brightly. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi,’ I said, smiling in return and trying to calm down from panic mode. I glanced at the bathroom out of the corner of my eye, and had to force myself to keep smiling when I noticed the door was cracked open. I wanted to throw something at him, but I redirected my attention to Serena before she caught on.

‘Good morning,’ Meg said as she entered the room. ‘You slept late.’

‘What time is it?’ I asked, fighting the urge to look at the bathroom again.

‘Ten thirty.’ Meg sat on the edge of the bed.

‘How was the drive?’ I asked, my heart beating so hard I could feel it in my ears. I needed to figure out how to get them out of my room without it seeming obvious.

‘Not bad,’ Serena said, sitting on the bed in the spot Evan had just left. ‘This house is insane by the way. Nice find.’

‘Thanks,’ I responded, twisting the sheets under the covers. ‘I was just –’

‘Finally!’ Sara interrupted, coming into the room and shutting the door behind her. I wanted to groan, knowing I wouldn’t be able to make them leave now. ‘I thought you’d never wake up. Now that the girls are here, we can finish that conversation we started last night.’ I opened my mouth to argue, but she stopped me. ‘Don’t you dare. This is a big deal.’

‘What’s a big deal?’ Meg asked, looking from Sara to me.

‘What’s going on between you and Evan?’ Sara began the interrogation.

I braced myself for the heart attack that was about to happen. I actually hoped it would, so I could avoid this conversation.

Serena pounced. ‘Why? What happened?’

I couldn’t help it – I glanced at the door – and even though I couldn’t see him, I knew he was listening.

‘Umm … I don’t know really,’ I answered evasively, trying to keep my voice quiet. ‘We’re … talking.’

‘There’s more than talking going on,’ Sara said. ‘I mean, I saw you guys last night at dinner.’

I swallowed.
Please let me vanish right now. Please!

‘Has he kissed you?’ Serena demanded.

‘No,’ I answered quickly, trying not to think about the kiss he’d given me on the top of my head last night. My cheeks flamed in betrayal.

‘Are you lying?’ Sara accused. ‘Did you kiss him and not tell me?’

‘I swear, I didn’t kiss him,’ I answered adamantly.

‘So how do you feel about him?’ Meg asked. The girls quieted, leaning closer in anticipation. And I could have sworn the door opened wider.

‘I’m not sure how to answer that,’ I said honestly, resigning myself to the conversation … and Evan listening. ‘It’s been intense. A lot’s happened, and I’m just trying to figure things out. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us to start anything without fixing what went wrong to begin with.’

‘And what was that?’ Meg asked.

‘Me,’ I answered quietly, unable to look at any of them.
‘He doesn’t trust me. And I have to earn that back if I want to try again.’

‘Do you – want to try again?’ Serena asked excitedly.

I didn’t want to answer this question, so I said, ‘I’m not ready.’ It was the only thing I knew to be true. ‘Okay. What are we doing today?’ I did my best to sound cheerful as I redirected the conversation. ‘I have to kick you guys out in a minute, because I really have to use the bathroom. But what’s the plan, so I know what to wear?’

‘We’re going shopping,’ Sara announced. ‘And don’t you dare sulk. You need some dresses.’

‘I disagree, but … whatever.’

Meg stood, ‘Hurry up and get ready. We’re going to brunch before we shop.’

Serena hopped off the bed and followed after the girls. She turned to me before she left and said, ‘I like him, Emma … a lot. And I think you know exactly what you feel for him. Stop fighting it.’

She shut the door behind her, leaving me staring.

The bathroom door eased open, and Evan stepped into the room just as I threw a pillow at him.

‘Hey!’ He caught it with a quick laugh. ‘What was that for?’

‘You didn’t have to listen, Evan!’ I hissed, trying not to raise my voice.

He chuckled. ‘You were talking about me. Of course I was going to listen.’

Her face was flushed all the way down her neck.

‘They’re relentless, aren’t they?’ I noted with a shake of my head. ‘I’m glad I’m not a girl.’

Emma whipped the blankets back and got out of bed. ‘I can’t believe you heard that.’

It was hard not to laugh at her dramatic reaction. ‘You knew I was listening, Emma. And it’s nice to know they don’t hate me.’

‘Why would they hate you?’ she asked. ‘You didn’t do anything wrong.’

I shrugged. ‘I know, but they’re protective of you, and if they didn’t like me it would suck.’

She grinned. ‘Why do you want their approval?’

I’d said too much. ‘No reason.’

‘Liar.’

‘I’m going out through the patio to take a walk on the beach,’ I announced suddenly. ‘We don’t want them to see me sneaking out of your room, do we? They may think we kissed or something.’ She threw another pillow at me.

‘Shut up, Evan.’ Her cheeks were bright red.

I laughed, picking up my camera from her dresser.

‘Have fun shopping.’ She stuck her tongue out at me just as I took the shot. I smiled at her small tantrum as she shut the bathroom door with force, adoring the fiery side that I had a tendency to bring out in her.

I was surprised that the girls hadn’t spotted my camera on the dresser or my bag sitting on the chaise. They were probably too intent on drilling Emma to even notice.

Easing the gate open, I peered around the corner of the deck to make sure no one was outside.
I quickly crossed to the steps and reached the beach just as I heard the screen door sliding open.

‘Hey!’ Sara called out, stopping me in my tracks.

I reluctantly spun around, knowing I’d been caught.

‘You just came from Emma’s room, didn’t you?’ she accused, her hands on her hips. I shrugged guiltily. ‘Evan, can we talk?’

‘Sure,’ I said with a heavy breath.

Sara hopped down the steps, and I began walking alongside her, bracing myself.

‘Did anything happen between you and Emma while I was away that I should know about?’

‘No,’ I answered. ‘Nothing you should know about.’

‘Evan –’ she scowled – ‘you know I just want to make sure she’s okay.’

‘I know, Sara. I do. I heard everything.’

‘Why did you stay in her room? I don’t understand what’s up with you two.’

‘Neither do I,’ I replied. ‘And I’ll tell you the same thing Emma did – we’re just talking. That’s it. And I have no idea where it’s going, but please don’t force her to figure out what she feels for me. I don’t want to push her away again, especially when I’m getting to really know her for the first time ever.’

Sara drew her brows together. ‘What does that mean?’

I considered how to explain it. ‘Emma’s not the same as she was a couple of weeks ago. Her eyes aren’t vacant any more. She doesn’t look like she’s about to break apart at any second. I can’t really say what happened, but she’s finally opening up and –’

‘Becoming the Emma we used to know?’

‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘She’s not her either. I don’t think she’ll ever be her again. But I think she’s trying to heal, to be better. She’s letting me in, and she’s never done that before. She’s actually trusting me, and I don’t want to lose that because she’s afraid of what might or might not happen between us. I know you care about her, and so do I. But I’m just asking you to back off a little. Let us figure it out.’

‘Do
you
trust
her
?’ Sara asked.

I stared out at the ocean as we continued to walk. ‘I want to,’ I answered. ‘I really want to.’

‘But you don’t,’ Sara concluded, hearing the reluctance in my voice. ‘That’s not right Evan. You need to trust her enough to tell her what you went through when she left. If you don’t tell her, then you’re doing the same thing she did to you. She should know.’

‘She’s already about to collapse from all the guilt that’s been dumped on her her entire life,’ I argued. ‘She already knows I have nightmares. That’s enough.’

Sara’s eyes tightened slightly. I hoped she wouldn’t ask …

‘But you can’t expect her to open up and trust you with emotions and thoughts she’s probably never expressed before, and then not trust her in return.’

I hated it when Sara was right.

I about freaked when I saw Evan and Sara returning together. She knew he’d been in my room. I could tell when she shook her head at me as she climbed the steps to the deck. I sunk down in the chair, averting my eyes. I didn’t get a chance to ask Evan what they talked about before he, James and Jared left for Nate’s to help set up for another of their infamous parties.

When I returned from shopping with the girls, we spent the day on the beach. I threw on a pair of jeans and a tank top, along with my black Converse for the party. Sara scanned me up and down.

‘We just bought some amazing dresses today, and you’re wearing this? What am I going to do with you?’ she sighed.

‘Love me for who I am,’ I replied with a smirk.

‘I do,’ Serena chimed in.

‘Serena, don’t encourage her,’ Sara said. ‘Besides, your wardrobe consists of black … and black.’

I interceded. ‘I think Serena is very fashionable.’

‘So do I,’ Serena added defensively.

‘Okay, I apologize, Serena. You do know how to mix up your black. But I’m sorry, Em. You need an intervention.’

‘Did James take your car, Serena, or did they go in the Scout?’ Meg asked, avoiding any contribution to the attack on my fashion sense.

‘Whose car is that anyway?’ Serena asked. ‘It’s pretty cool.’

I hesitated, not wanting to answer her. Sara’s eyes tightened when I spent way too much time tying my shoes.

‘Emma Thomas, talk,’ she demanded impatiently.

‘It’s Evan’s,’ I muttered, slowly standing up.

‘I was wondering when we went to dinner last night,’ she said. ‘But why would Evan need a car in California?’

The fact that I was holding my breath said everything. ‘No way.’

‘What?’ Meg demanded, completely confused.

‘Yes!’ Serena practically leapt. ‘He’s staying!’

‘He’s what?’ Meg questioned, gawking at me.

‘Evan transferred to Stanford,’ Sara stated, still staring at me. I nodded tentatively, waiting for her to explode. ‘Of course he transferred to Stanford.’

‘Why did you say it like that?’ I questioned.

‘Because, it just makes sense,’ she said, nodding slowly. ‘The conversation my mother had with Vivian last summer, about whether she should’ve allowed him to go to Stanford when he wanted to. She also said that she wasn’t
going to stand in his way this time, like he was going. But that was last year, so when he didn’t switch schools last fall, I didn’t think too much about it.’

‘So, he’s been planning to move here for a while now?’ Meg concluded.

‘It was his first choice,’ I explained.

‘So were you,’ Sara said, interrupting my breath. ‘Don’t look at me like that, Emma. I think he would’ve come out here sooner if his parents hadn’t basically locked him up.’

‘What are you talking about?’ I demanded.

‘They didn’t allow him access to his money,’ Sara explained. ‘He didn’t have a car on campus. They essentially put him under state arrest.’

‘They wouldn’t let him travel?’ I asked in shock, knowing how much that must have pissed him off. Evan travelled. That’s what he did, every opportunity he had. So to be confined to Connecticut must have felt like prison.

‘Not for a while, I guess. Not until last summer, from what my mother told me.’

Wow
, I mouthed. I’d interfered with his life so much more than I’d intended.

‘Emma, you didn’t do that to him,’ she consoled. ‘That was his parents’ decision, okay? It’s not your fault, so stop thinking it is.’

I nodded, trying to release the winding guilt.

‘But he needs to be the one to tell you all of this –’ Sara sighed – ‘not me. He still should, even if you already know. If you decide you want to start over with him, he has to be honest too.’

My shoulders sank. ‘You’re right.’

She usually was.