Out of Her League (32 page)

Joe pulled into their driveway and shut off the car. Silence descended between them. He could hear the
click
of the engine cooling down.

Toni just stared straight ahead.
“
Adam is very responsible.
”

“
They always are.
”

“
Why don
’
t you like him?
”
Her voice was quiet and tense.

“
I never said I didn
’
t like him.
”

“
You aren
’
t very nice to him, and you always have a snotty comment.
”

“
I
’
m just scared for you.
”

“
You don
’
t have to be scared. I love him.
”

Joe groaned. That was what he
’
d been afraid of. He should have been prepared for it, but hearing her say those words made his heart beat so fast and hard that he pressed a palm to his chest.

She shifted in her seat so she faced him, her back against the car door.
“
Don
’
t have a heart attack.
Why should love upset you?
”
Tilting her head, she studied him.
“
Maybe because you
’
ve never loved?
”

“
I love you.
”

“
You do?
”

The complete shock in her voice made him pause. He
’
d told her when she was little how much he loved her, but once she had started calling him
“
Joe
”
and the wall had come up between them, he
’
d stopped. Was the problem between them as simple as that? Did she think he didn
’
t love her? How could he have been so stupid?

Joe was not a man who voiced his feelings easily. Oh, he felt things jus
t fine, but expressing them ver
bally—he
’
d rather
face a 350-pound offensive line
man out for his blood. Still, women liked to hear in words what went on inside a man
’
s heart and soul. Or so he
’
d always been told. He
’
d never bared his heart to anyone, but if there was ever a time for baring, now was it.

“
I love you more than anything on this earth, Toni. I always have.
”

“
You never loved my mother.
”
The words weren
’
t a question, they were an accusation. And suddenly Joe understood where the distance between him and his daughter had come from. His l
ips tight
ened at the thought of his ex-wife
’
s malice. But Karen was gone, and nothing would be gained by speaking ill of the dead—or by lying.

“
You
’
re right. I didn
’
t love her. That was my fault, not hers.
”

“
If you didn
’
t love her, then how can you love me?
”

“
How can I not love you? You
’
re my little girl. You
’
ll be my little girl when you
’
re eighty years old.
”

“
You don
’
t even know me.
”

“
You
’
re wrong,
”
he said quietly.
“
I knew you the first time I looked into your eyes. You
’
re the best part of me.
”

His words fell into a heavy, tense silence. Toni blinked as if to stop sudden tears, but she didn
’
t repeat his words.

Joe
’
s heart hurt worse. Would his little girl ever love him? Would she ever call him
“
Dad
”
? What kind of father was he if he couldn
’
t even inspire love in his own child? What kind of man was he if he
’
d never been in love?

Now was not the time to worry about his life, or lack of one. He was supposed to be discussing Toni
’
s life, and his worries about the direction she might take.

Joe reached over and took her hand. She started, but she didn
’
t pull away.
“
I know you think you love him.
”

“
I do.
”

“
Fine, you do. But lives have been ruined for less than love.
”

“
You
’
re talking about sex.
”

Joe winced, but he didn
’
t look away from her face. He might have learned about sex in the locker room like every other red-blooded American kid of
his generation, but he
didn’t want his daughter learn
ing about it that way.

“
Yes, I
’
m talking about sex. You can get in big trouble playing with fire you can
’
t control.
”

“
I guess you are the voice of experience.
”

Ouch. How was he going to work past her latent anger? All he knew was the truth. So he told her that truth and hoped it would be enough.

“
You can be angry at me all you want, Toni. I deserve that. But anger isn
’
t going to change the facts. I took the easy way out. Your mom and I didn
’
t get along, and you didn
’
t seem to need me. I was traveling. I thought I had to make all the money I could before I retired. I was too dumb and too young to realize that I could make money another way, but that I
’
d never have another chance to be with you while you grew. I
’
ll have to live with that mistake forever, and I doubt I
’
ll forgive myself for it. But I wish you could.
”

She stared at him and pain filled her eyes. Joe braced himself, figuring his request for forgiveness was going to be tossed back in his face. Instead, he heard something that hurt him more—and infuriated him all over again.

“
Mom said you didn
’
t want me. I wasn
’
t a boy, and you were the kind of guy who wanted a son.
”

“
That
’
s not true, Toni.
”

“
Isn
’
t it? Why do you want a new wife, more kids, if not to get a son?
”

“
Is that what you think?
”

Toni dipped her head in acknowledgment.

“
Boys, girls—what
’
s the difference?
”

“
Don
’
t you know?
”
Her glance and voice were heavy with sarcasm.

“
I know there
’
s a difference. What I mean is
,
I don
’
t care. I always dreamed of a large family, and I wanted to spend time with my kids. That
’
s all I want. I wish I
’
d had more time with you. But I
’
m here now, and I
’
m not leaving.
”

Her furtive glance and the sheen in her eyes made him frown.
“
Did you think I was going to leave you again?
”

She shrugged, but at the same time she nodded.
“
Mom always did. She paid someone to be with me. Like she couldn
’
t stand to. Like she couldn
’
t stand to cook or clean.
”

Joe counted to ten. It would do no good to lose his temper at a dead woman, but oh, how he wanted to.
“
I
’
m not like your mom, even though I might have acted that way once. I
’
ve been waiting years to have you with me. I
’
m not going anywhere, honey. I
want
to be with you.
”

She seemed to believe him. At least, she didn
’
t cry. No wonder she
’
d been watching him clean and praising his cooking. She figured as long as he did those things, he
’
d take care of her, too. And when he tired of them, he
’
d be tired of her. Poor kid.

“
Aren
’
t you mad at Mom?
” she a
sked.

Joe glanced at Toni. She looked mad. He didn
’
t want her to be angry with her mother. They had enough problems already.
“
She had her reasons. I
wasn
’
t fair to her. I didn
’
t love her, and I
’
m sure that made her mad, though I don
’
t think she loved me, either. It won
’
t do any good to keep being angry about what
’
s over and done with. I
’
ve got you here with me now, and I
’
ve never been happier.
”

“
I feel sorry for you.
”

“
Me?
”
She switched gears so fast that he could almost hear the grind.

“
You
’
ve never been in love. It
’
s wonderful. And terrible.
”

“
So I
’
ve heard.
”

“
Don
’
t you want to love someone and have her love you?
”

“
Yeah,
”
he murmured, thinking of Evie.

Toni got out of the car, then leaned down to glance back in.
“
You will someday, Dad. Someday soon.
”

Then she slammed the door and ran inside. Joe sat in the car and enjoyed the moment for as long as he could.

She
’
d called him
“
Dad.
”

Toni
had a
plan
, but she needed some help. Adam turned out to be worthless.

“
I am
not
going to help you fix up my mom and your dad,
”
he said when she called him later that night.

He sounded really mad, but for once she didn
’
t get scared and sh
y and quiet. This was too impor
tant. Besides, Adam had kissed her and told her she was his girl. If he meant it, he would not dump her
because she wanted to get their parents together. If he did, then she didn
’
t need him, anyway.

She enjoyed the truth of that thought for
a while. She loved Adam, and the fact that he cared about her had shown her she could be herself and that was okay. Now that she knew her dad loved her, the weight she
’
d carried around for years—the fear she could never be
good enough for love—had disap
peared. Her dad had
always
loved her, and he al
ways would. He wasn
’
t going to leave her because he wanted her with him.

So Toni was not going to make herself miserable anymore, worrying about everyone else. That was too exhausting. She was worth knowing
, worth lov
ing; she made a good friend; and those people who allowed her into their lives wouldn
’t be sorry. Re
alizing that truth felt better than anything had in a long time.