Out of My Depth (40 page)

He didn’t say anything.

‘What time is it?’ she asked, hoping to nudge him.

‘Only half ten. It feels later. Don’t you think?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Water?’

She remembered the bucket of sick. She had left it in the sitting room. She would go and get it in a minute. She shook her head.

Patrick suddenly reached for her hand. ‘Amanda,’ he said, urgently. ‘We can make this work. Together. You and me. We can sort it all out.’

He was looking at her, expectantly. She let out a small, mirthless snort though her nose. ‘You think?’

‘Well, I’m willing to do whatever it takes.’ She looked at him, and looked away, repulsed and scared. ‘Really,’ he assured her, squeezing her hand tightly. She let him, out of pity, and was surprised to find she was grasping him back. She remembered that she had been second to Melanie, all those years ago.

‘We’ll talk in the morning,’ she said, pulling her hand away, and she walked over to Izzy and stood next to her, looking out of the window. ‘Izzy,’ she said.

‘How are you feeling?’

‘OK, under the circumstances.’ She felt nauseous all over again as she forced herself to ask the question. ‘What happened?’ She paused. ‘With Tamsin, I mean.’

Izzy carried on staring at the rain and the darkness. The storm had passed, but the rain was still pounding down. It was loud on the terrace. She spoke to the rain, not to Amanda.

‘She’s packing. I know we’re all leaving tomorrow, but she wants to go sooner. I think Susie’s taking her to Pau first thing in the morning. She wanted to go to a hotel right now, but I think Susie’s persuaded her not to.’

‘So you two really told her?’ Amanda hung on to the window sill to keep herself steady. ‘You actually told her the truth?’

‘Susie did. Only Susie.’

‘I can’t believe she did that. Stupid cow.’

Izzy looked round at this. ‘Susie needed to. She’s been needing to do that for years. Not everybody is as good at denial as you are.’

‘I’m not good at denial.’

Izzy laughed. ‘Oh, Amanda.’ She looked at her friend, genuinely amused. Amanda found that infuriating. Amanda, Crown Princess of Denial. What are you going to do? Are you going to let Patrick help you? Are you going to stop drinking?’

Amanda stiffened. ‘Jesus, Izzy! This is none of your bloody business!’ Then she crumpled a little. She hadn’t seen Izzy for years and she might never see her again. If she was going to be honest with anyone, it might as well be with Izzy. She decided to try. ‘I can sort of see that there’s a problem,’ she admitted, and it cost her a lot to get the words out. ‘I can see that after today. But I think it’s just the way I am.’

Izzy put a hand on her shoulder. ‘It’s not. You could be far, far better than this. You were, when we knew you. This isn’t you, Amanda. This is you after years and years of guilt. I know, because I have a share of that guilt. You can change it all, but only if you want to. There are a lot of people out there to help. You wouldn’t be on your own.’

Amanda was scared. She was scared even to be talking about it. ‘You think I need to stop drinking completely?’ Her voice was quiet. Izzy had to lean in to hear what she was saying. ‘For ever? Because I don’t want to do that. And whatever Patrick says, I’m not an alcoholic. A little drink is just what gets me through the day. Sometimes that gets out of hand.’ Her face crumpled, and she made an effort and pulled herself together. ‘You’re right, though,’ she said. ‘It is guilt.’ ‘So try cutting down,’ Izzy said gently. ‘Try that, and see how it works. Try having, say, no more than two units a day. If you can do that, then you’d be fine, I’d say. Not that I’m an expert.’

‘Hmmm.’ Amanda touched Izzy’s arm. ‘And Tamsin? She didn’t go mad? She didn’t attack Susie, or anything? She didn’t have a breakdown? Did she?’

Izzy reached up and pushed Amanda’s hair behind her ears. ‘No. She didn’t. She wasn’t even surprised, from what Susie said. Amanda, it’s over. It happened years ago, and you need to forgive yourself. It wasn’t just you. I could have stopped it. Tamsin could have been at the bar with us instead of sulking. Mrs Grey could have noticed the taste. She could have driven home safely anyway. She might have crashed if she’d been sober. It wasn’t just you.’

Amanda smiled without joy. ‘There’s a bucket of vomit in the sitting room. Festering. Before I start forgiving myself, I need to dispose of it.’

Izzy shook her head. ‘I’ll sort it out. You get some sleep.’ Amanda nodded. ‘Thanks,’ she said, and smiled weakly. ‘It feels like you’re my mum.’

I came in through the back door, with Tamsin. She wanted me to take her to a hotel, and I was trying to persuade her that she should stay here for the night, that I would take her anywhere she wanted in the morning.

Roman walked through the front door, dripping wet and carrying a torch, at the same time. We all saw Amanda. She lay, apparently unconscious, on the floor, with Patrick and Isabelle kneeling over her. Izzy was moving Amanda’s limbs around, putting her into the recovery position. Patrick was wringing his hands.

‘Maybe we should take her to hospital,’ he said, looking dubiously at the rain through the open doors.

I looked at Roman. He stayed a few feet away from us all, looking on with consternation. He didn’t come close. I knew he was panicking. Tamsin walked straight up to Amanda and pushed Patrick firmly out of the way.

‘No,’ she said, confidently. She had her fingers in Amanda’s mouth, checking her airways. ‘She’s fine. We should put her somewhere quiet where she can sleep it off. Don’t bother carrying her upstairs.’ She looked at me, and I could see the unreadable hurt in her eyes. I wondered how long it would stay there. ‘Good thing I’ve got a first aid certificate, this weekend. Can we stick her on the sofa? Put a sheet over her, some sort of receptacle next to her? She’s had a hard day.’ We all smiled at the euphemism. ‘She’ll be fine.’

Patrick knelt down and tried to lift his wife. He struggled for several minutes before Roman stepped forward.

‘Come on,’ he said gruffly. ‘You take her under the arms. I’ll carry her legs.’

When I saw Amanda being lugged around like a sack of potatoes, I had to look away. I shuddered at what my friend had become, and the way in which, in a day and a half in my house, she had shed all her dignity and pretence.

I shook my head, and poured another drink for myself, and for Izzy. Then I fetched a new bottle of champagne, popped the cork, wincing at how inappropriate the sound was, and poured glasses for Tamsin, Patrick and Roman. I sat at the table. Izzy stood at the window. She turned to me.

‘What happened?’ she asked, lightly.

‘I think she’s devastated.’ I took a deep breath, and a sip of champagne. ‘She wants to go to a hotel now. God knows where I’ll find one that’s open. Maybe I should have kept the secret. Now I feel that I’ve just handed all the extra suffering to the person who least needs it. Or deserves it.’ I looked to Izzy, acknowledging that she had been right.

‘I don’t suppose we’re going to be friends with her any more, are we?’

‘Not a chance.’

We were silent for a moment. I remembered the phone call.

‘What was the message, earlier?’

Izzy looked at me. ‘Oh, something that could be positive. It looks as if your gamble paid off.’

‘Which gamble? You mean the police?’

‘Sarah Saunders rang to thank you. She’s had them round. She says he’s had them round too. I guess we can’t know for sure, but they should be telling you pretty soon who’s related to whom and in what way.’

I forced a smile. ‘OK. That’s good, I suppose. Jesus. I hope it’s all OK.’

‘Me too.’

‘I thought it would feel more dramatic than this if we got the police involved.’

Izzy shook her head sadly. ‘Real life, Susie. It isn’t always this dramatic. Messy divorce. Lost marbles. I can identify with that all too well. It’s the mundane stuff that gets you down.’ She smiled. ‘Luckily Martin never flipped like that, and nor did I, but I can imagine how possible it is.’

Patrick and Roman reappeared.

‘Tamsin went upstairs,’ Patrick announced, rather sadly. ‘She said she was packing.’

I motioned Roman over to the table, and told him to sit down. I pushed his drink towards him. He shook his head.

‘I’ve had enough,’ he said, but then he picked the glass up anyway.

‘Roman,’ I said.

‘Mmm?’

I took a deep breath. This was not going to be pretty, as Izzy had just said. ‘It’s over.’

He smiled, then frowned, and stared at me. ‘What’s over?’

‘You know. Us.’

‘You’re not serious?’ He looked hard into my eyes, and I willed the tears away. ‘You are serious. Oh. Why?’

I fixed my eyes on a spot on the wall, beyond his head. Patrick and Izzy were talking. I didn’t care if they were listening.

‘Because I want more than you’ll ever be able to give me,’ I told him. ‘Because there are big things I’ve never told you, and you’ve probably picked up on one of them by now. Because I’m still young enough to have children, but in ten years’ time I won’t be. Because I love you but I don’t think you love me in the way I need you to.’

I looked at him. He looked baffled, so I carried on.

‘Look at today. You buggered off with Amanda. You made me look stupid, and you — I suppose you made it obvious to the world that you couldn’t really give a fuck about me. You’re waiting for a better offer to come along, and if I got fat or poor or if I didn’t bother with what I looked like, you’d be off. I’m just nice for the moment, and living in the moment is good, it’s fine, but I need to find someone who can give me more than the moment.’

I looked at him again, expectantly. He was still frowning, so I said a bit more.

‘And forget about me for a minute. You took Amanda out drinking. You let her drive when she was probably drunk, which is particularly crap under the circumstances. I mean, Roman, that’s how Tamsin’s mother died. And everyone but Amanda can see what a problem she has with alcohol. What she doesn’t need is someone like you who’ll legitimise her drinking and let her persuade herself that it’s fine. She doesn’t need to be sitting by the river drinking cocktails and having fun. That’s the last thing she needs, and I wish you’d understood that.’

I stopped. I wasn’t going to say anything else. Roman was looking at the table.

‘You’re right,’ he said. It was a dagger. He looked up slowly. ‘I mean, you’re right about that. You’re right about Amanda. I was a dick today, and I don’t know why. I was just having a laugh, going for a drink with your mate. I didn’t quite realise how bad she was until she got going on the martinis, and by then I was as into it as she was. Sorry. That was rubbish. Genuine crap.’

He reached out and stroked my forearm. I pulled away.

‘But the other stuff. I’m trying to take it all in. Susie, you were the one who told me you didn’t want children. Now, I would have been persuadable. Of course it suited me fine that you didn’t want them. It made life simpler. It kept your work as the top priority and it gave us plenty of freedom. But when I said I didn’t want babies, it was your lead I was following, Suze. Yours. If you had ever, in the past four years, even so much as hinted that you were changing your mind . . .’ He smiled. ‘It wouldn’t have taken much to convince me. Because at the end of the day, I want what you want. I want what makes you happy. And . . .’ He pulled on my sleeve until I looked at him, and I was bowled over, again, by what I supposed was love. ‘And, Susie, more commitment is fine with me. It feels like absolutely the right thing to do, and it’s felt a bit odd, a bit artificial, over the last year or so, that we’re still hanging out together like we’re twenty-five.’ He smiled, grimly. ‘And yet, this isn’t quite the moment to propose, is it? Because you’ve just dumped me.’

‘I’ve packed your clothes,’ I said, in a small voice.

He sat back and folded his arms. ‘So, what are these big things you haven’t told me? What’s the one I’m supposed to have guessed? Something to do with Amanda? Tamsin?’

I looked down. ‘If I’m dumping you, I don’t have to tell you. If I do tell you, you’ll be the one kicking me out.’

He knocked back the drink he hadn’t wanted. ‘Try me.’

The phone rang. I waited for someone else to answer it. Izzy brought it over to me.

‘It’s for you,’ she said. ‘Your sister wants to know how the weekend’s going.’