Out of the Ashes (31 page)

Her weight was suddenly gone and I stood motionless as Zane gathered my sobbing daughter in his arms. I expected her to fight him, to struggle. What I did not expect was for her to bury her face in his chest and clutch his cut like it was a life raft.

His eyes met mine. “Car, babe, now,” he instructed that soft tone I would have told you five minutes earlier was impossible for him to produce.

I nodded stiffly, a thought striking me. “My bag.” I started to turn to where I had left it on the table, dreading facing strangers and my fresh new friends under the stifling weight of grief.

“Here you go, Mia.” Gwen pushed my bag into my arms, her eyes kind.

She squeezed my arm as I took it. “We’re all here. You need anything, just call, okay?”

I put my bag over my shoulder, struggling not to flinch at the pity on her face. Pity meant it was real. Other people recognizing this meant it was actually happening.

“Okay, thanks,” I said quietly, meeting her eyes. They may have held a hint of pity but they also held understanding, empathy, a pain of her own.

She squeezed my hand. “Anything you need,” she repeated softly.

Killian stood stock still watching Lexie sob, unable to do anything about it. His face was hard and he struggled not to comfort her. I gave him a sad smile.

I turned back to see Zane watching me, Lexie still burrowed in his arms. The pain that clouded my vision made it difficult to see how painfully beautiful it was. Together, we walked quickly back to the car, Lexie buried in Zane’s chest, his hand clutching mine tightly.

Gently, like she was made of fine china, Zane placed Lexie in the back seat of my car. I climbed in beside her, gathering her in my arms.

He stood at the door, eyes on us, eyes on me. Before I knew what was happening, he laid a soft, feather-light kiss on my head and stroked Lexie’s hair before slamming the door shut.

“You think you can walk into the house, baby doll?” I asked softly, stroking Lexie’s hair.

She lifted her head, her red-rimmed eyes gazing out into the driveway in confusion. I felt another stab to see the depth of sorrow etched on her face. She nodded quietly.

“That’s my strong girl,” I murmured, kissing her head. “We’ll get through this, Dollface, promise you,” I declared firmly.

She gave me a long look like she didn’t believe me. I cupped her face. “When your life has been full of light and happiness, the first eclipse that casts a shadow over everything seems like it’s going to last forever. But it won’t. It doesn’t. The light will come back, shine brighter than ever, and you’ll be the stronger person for it,” I promised her softly.

Her eyes cleared with my words and she nodded, burying her face in my chest once more. I held her and my eyes found Zane’s. He was staring at me with a look of unmasked wonder, as if the words I had just spoken shook him down to his core. I was unable to move as the look changed to something I could only describe as love. I squeezed my own eyes shut, unable to cope with something of that magnitude at the current moment. At the same time, that look gave me the strength I needed to overcome the dark shadow of grief that was settling over me. After a minute, I opened the door to Zane standing there, arms crossed, concern evident on his usually emotionless face. I smiled weakly at him.

“Let’s get my girls inside,” he declared firmly.

I nodded and helped him lift Lexie to take her into the house, not missing the “my girls” comment.

Once we got inside Lexie and I curled up on her bed. Now that she was in a familiar space, a safe space, her tears came rushing at a rate that shook me to my core. I stroked her head, wishing I had a magic wand, a freaking magic bean, something to make her pain vanish. Instead I settled for giving her my shoulder.

I woke with a start, my eyes blinking in the darkness, disorientated. Then, like a freight train of despair, it hit me. Why I was in Lexie’s room, my arm draped over her hip as she faced away from me. Why it felt like a knife had been plunged into my middle and lodged itself there. I couldn’t help the sharp intake of breath as I sucked air in out of agony.

I flinched when a hand cupped my jaw.

“Calm down, Wildcat, it’s only me,” a rough voice whispered.

“Zane?” I whispered back, confused. It was dark in Lexie’s room. The blinds had been shut, but enough daylight peeked through to show me the outline of a large figure bending over the bed.

His hand moved to my waist and he gently pulled me off the bed to my feet.

“Quiet, we don’t want to wake her up.” I saw the dark shape of his head move to Lexie.

My eyes moved there to make sure she was still sleeping. Satisfied, I let him lead me out the door.

We didn’t say a word as he directed me through the kitchen, his hand firmly grasping mine. We were still silent as he led me up the stairs, past the bathroom and the guest room, to the end of the hall where my bedroom was. I followed out of shock and grief more than anything else. My mind felt kind of empty.

Once we made it to my room I regained some wits and looked up at Zane.

“You stayed?” I asked dumbly.

He nodded. “Not leavin’ you, Mia,” he promised. I got the feeling he meant that permanently. I couldn’t examine that just yet.

“Where?” I asked instead.

“Armchair in Lexie’s room,” he clipped, his hands moving to my jacket.

I let him pull it off my shoulders, inhaling his scent as he moved it down my arms. I gained comfort in the smell, in the soft way his hard body brushed mine. It had been two weeks, two weeks without his touch, without hearing his hard and husky voice. I even missed the monosyllables. Now I had him back, but under the worst of circumstances.

“Why?” I whispered as the jacket fell to the ground, his body staying close to mine.

His head moved down to me, his eyes locking on mine. They were swirling with emotions I couldn’t place. Most likely because I hadn’t seen those eyes swirl with emotion, like ever. I had seen them dark with desire. Flare with hatred. Searching with a look that seared my soul. But nothing to betray emotion. Not the one he was currently betraying, anyway.

His hand moved to cup my jaw. “You know why, baby,” he said firmly. “Now sit on the bed.”

Something clicked in me. Something that shocked me out of my confusing interaction with a complicated man and the complicated feelings I had for him. Something trumped that.

“I can’t,” I said. “I’ve got to call people, pack,” I said quickly, pushing at his abs. He didn’t move. “Oh my gosh, I’ve got to plan, a...funeral.” I near choked on the last word. “Ava and Steve, don’t...didn’t have any children, any family apart from Lexie and me.” My mind didn’t let me go there, I moved to organization mode. “I’ve got to check the flights to DC.” I paused. “Maybe it would be better to drive. I’ve got to compare flying vs driving. I’ve got to pack,” I tried to move Zane again. “Yes, that’s the first thing. Pack...” My mind mentally went through my closet for a funeral outfit. I had to look my best. For Steve. For Ava.

Zane’s thumb went over my lip, silencing me. His eyes kept me in place, his hand kept my mouth from moving. “Sit. On. The. Bed,” he commanded. His tone was still tender, but it was firm.

I was about to argue but his body directed me to the edge and I had no choice but to go down. He gave me a meaningful look before bending to my shoes.

“Zane, what are you doing? Those need to stay on. I’ve got like a million things to do, things that require footwear,” I explained with a hint of hysteria. I needed to do them. Be productive. Busy. If I moved quick enough maybe I would be able to outrun the thoughts. The memories. The demons.

Zane ignored me and my shoes fell to the floor. He straightened and pulled off his motorcycle boots landing beside mine with a heavy thump. He lifted me in the air and settled himself on my bed, me half on top of him, tucked in his shoulder.

“What are you doing?” I asked, confused and more than a little peeved I couldn’t enjoy this crazy cuddle moment with a man whom I had missed like a lost limb for the past two weeks. I couldn’t let myself clutch him like I wanted to. I knew if I did I’d never let go.

“Tell me about them,” he instructed quietly.

My heart stopped. “What?”

“Tell me about them,” he repeated, voice still low.

My body locked in place. Now that Zane had me still, it all caught up to me. Threatened to destroy me with the sharp talons of grief. “I,” I choked on the first word. “I can’t, I’ve got to...”

Zane’s arms tightened around me. “Yes babe, you can. You need to tell me every happy memory you have of them, bring them up to the front of your mind so the demons can’t get in. You need to bring the light in before the darkness settles,” he told me in a resolute tone. One that seemed to speak from experience.

I paused. Zane’s strong arms tightened around me. I was safe. He had me.

I took a deep breath. “Ava used to bake all the time. She was a firm believer in using food and sugar to heal all aliments.” I paused. “I have no idea how Lexie didn’t contract diabetes from the amount of raw cookie dough she ate. Even though Ava threatened to tan her with a wooden spoon for doing it, although she never would, Lexie was the light of her life,” I smiled at the memory. “This one time...”

And there it was. The light. It didn’t dampen the pain, didn’t come close. That knife was still digging into my ribs, making it hard to breathe. But Zane’s arms around me, the comfort of memories, that’s what kept the darkness from swallowing me up.

I awoke with a jolt. The room was pitch black and there was a warmth at my back.

“Mia?” Zane’s gravelly voice was alert and full of concern, as if he had been lying awake the entire time.

I didn’t let myself think of it. Reality. The grim and heartbreaking reality. That was all
out there
. In here it was only me and Zane. Two weeks I hadn’t touched him, tasted him, felt him inside me. I needed him. So that’s why I twisted around from our spooning position, pushing Zane on his back and landing on top of his body.

“Mia,” he half whispered, his voice was dark with desire. I felt him hard underneath me.

“Fuck me, Zane,” I pleaded against his mouth.

I expected him to argue, say I was too upset or some crap like that. Instead, the moment the words came out of my mouth he flipped me on my back, capturing me in an earth shattering, panty melting kiss. We were a flurry of lips and teeth, desperate to get each other’s clothes off. I’m pretty sure Zane ripped my panties off in the end. He licked, bit and tasted every part of me, as if he had been away from my body for years, not weeks.