Out of the Ashes (33 page)

“I
’ll check with Brett.  It’s hard because he works most weekend nights but I’ll see what I can do.”  I order Ian’s sandwich and Gavin and I chat for a few minutes while they bag it up.  I agree to hit the club with him on Saturday though Ian will definitely want to tag along then make my way back to the office.

When I exit the elevator, I
suddenly wished I had stayed at lunch.  Oh god, will the fun in my life ever end?  I can’t peel my eyes from the scene in front of me.  Rebecca has her arms around Ian’s neck and her lips are tightly pressed to his.  His hands are clawing at the back of his neck trying to release her hold of him.  Ian’s face loses all color and he panics when he sees me standing there, watching their exchange.  Rebecca turns her eyes to me and breaks out into a large grin.  Ian takes several steps back from Rebecca, shaking his head.  “Celeste, I…” I hold up my hand stopping him mid-sentence.  I’m solely focused on the bitch in front of me, who’s looking completely happy about me witnessing their exchange.  I walk over to her unsure of what to do.  I know she’s unhinged but I no longer care.  I vow then and there to take back the one part of my life that I can.  “You bitch!”  I spit the words out at her as I cock my arm back and slam into her face with my fist.  She’s unprepared for the blow and falls back on the floor, her lip bleeding slightly.  Holy shit, I’ve never hit anyone before and I briefly wonder if her face hurts as much as my hand.  Fuck!  I’m going to have to get some ice on this.  I hardly care about the pain in my hand though looking at her face.  Her smug look is gone now, having been wiped away by my fist. 

For a moment, I th
ink she might get up and come at me but she just sits there, mouth agape.  “Ian,” she looks to him for help but there is none to be found.  “How could she be the one for you?  I know you felt it when we kissed.”  Ian opens his mouth to speak but I wave him off again.  “Get the fuck out.”  I grab her by the lapels of her jacket and haul her to her feet.  “You
will
leave and you will not come back.  You will not send me any more letters and you will leave him completely alone.  Is any of this sinking in?”  I pull her along to elevator and press the button willing it to arrive faster before my nerve wore off.  “I will call the police and press charges should you ever come around again or send me anything else.  Are we clear?  You are nothing to him or me except a spiteful bitch.  Think about all the things he did for you after you fucked his cousin.  You had it made and because you couldn’t get your shit together you once again ruined it for yourself.”  The elevator arrives with Connor inside; I extend her arm to him and his hand replaces mine.  “Thank you Connor.  I don’t know how she got in here but I hope to never have to see her again.  We should probably make sure her keycards are deactivated this time.”  This isn’t Connor’s fault but I feel the need to stress the importance of her never having access to Ian and I again. 

“Yes, Ms. Brooks.”

I turn to Ian.  His eyes are downcast; I can tell he feels guilty.  “What the hell, Ian?  I don’t want the excuses; just tell me why the fuck she was here?” 

“Celeste, Danielle let her up.  I didn’t know she was coming.  Then she said she wanted to talk to apologize for her behavior and for the letter. 
It’s stupid to believe anything she would tell me but I did.” 

I shoot him a hard look.  “No, Ian.  I said no excuses.  Did you think it would be a good idea?  What did you think would happen when I walked in on you?  Did you think I would be okay with the two of you having a little chat and working things out?  She fucking threatened to kill me and you invite her in for tea like it’s no big deal?  What the fuck?
  I thought you were trying to protect me from all this shit.”  Ian’s face pales and he’s drawing small circles on his own hand probably because he knows if he tried to hold mine, he would lose his hand.  “Look, I’m trying to be calm and rational about this.  I know it wasn’t what it looked like. I could see you were trying to peel the piranha off of you.  But it still doesn’t explain why you didn’t put her right back in the elevator when she stepped out of it.”  I start to pace the room.  I can’t stay here but I can’t have Ian thinking that I’m running from him, from us again; because I’m not. I just need some time to clear my head.

I walk over to the elevator and press the button calling the car up.  “Celeste, don’t…” 

“No, Ian.  I’m not running but I need some time to clear my head.”  As the door dings indicating the elevator has arrived, I walk over to him and place a light kiss on his cheek.  “Ian, I love you and I know even though you won’t say it, that you love me.  But just like I have had to do, you have to decide if you are going to let your past hold you back from your future.”  And I board the elevator, tears threatening to tumble as the doors slide closed. 

When I reach the lobby, I walk to Danielle’s desk. 
“Danielle, I assume you have a listing of people that are not allowed in the building and know that proper protocol is to notify security should one such person enter the building.”  Danielle simply smiles up at me.  “I know the game that you two are playing but you can’t win.  Truthfully, I don’t understand your stake in all this but helping Rebecca makes you as guilty as her.  I will tell you this just this once and then it will be your job.  Rebecca is never to come up to his office again.  If she enters the building you will call security or I will come down and have them escort you out right along with her.”  Her smile disappears and she pales slightly.  “I hope you’re clear on what is expected of you from now on.” 

I hear her mumble, “Y-y-es, Ms. Brooks
,” as I make my way out the door.  Well other than leaving my boyfriend crumbling up in his penthouse, I would say that this has been a productive day.

I hail a cab and make my way to Gavin’s.  Having lived there for 3 years
, all of the concierges know me so they wave me through.  I just hope Gavin is home.  I knock tentatively and he comes to the door.  I can tell he is a little surprised to see me so soon after our lunch but he steps back and ushers me in.  I walk over and sit down on the couch.  Gavin goes to the kitchen and returns with two glasses of wine.  I break down.  I’m surprised that I held myself together this long.  Ian wasn’t “doing” anything with her.  He didn’t mean to hurt me.  But by allowing her to stay even though he believed she just wanted to talk to him, he broke something in me.  I just need some time to heal.

Ian d
oesn’t call me but he calls Gavin several times to check on me.  I’m grateful that he’s willing to give me time without too much fuss.  One call Gavin took in his room. When he came back out, he sat down beside me and put his hand on my leg.  “That man is a wreck.  Can you just call him?  I know you can’t see him and don’t want to talk to him about it yet, but can you at least set his mind to rest so hopefully he’ll stop calling me?”  I nod to Gavin and pick up my phone from the table.  Gavin smiles at me, “You two are going to kill me.” I have to smile at his statement since that is what Ian is always saying about me.  “I’m going to make us some dinner.”  I give him an inquisitive look, knowing that if he tries to cook we’ll be calling the fire department in a few minutes.  “Okay, order some take out but I’ll give you a few minutes.”

I dial Ian not really knowing what
to say that will put his mind at ease.  I’m still struggling myself with the fact that he thought he should talk with her but if Gavin thinks talking to me will help then I’ll call him.  “Celeste, oh thank god.  Please tell me that you’re coming home.”  I heave a sigh into the phone. 

“Ian
, not tonight.  I need some time.  I told you I love you but I think you need this time too.  You need to decide if you want us to move forward because while you hold on to her or whatever this is, we can’t.  I’ll be home, I’ll fall asleep in your arms after you have made love to me, I’ll wake in your arms to have you do it all again but not tonight.  Please.” 

“Celeste, I need to be inside you so you can know how I feel.  I know that it hurts you that I don’t say it. 
What you saw today hurt you and I broke my promise.  You think I’m holding back.  I know all of these things but I want you.  You’re my everything.” 

“Ian
, right now wanting me isn’t enough.  I need you to love me.”  I hang up the phone feeling worse than before. 

Gavin saunters over
with now full glass of wine, “Well, I guess he’s still going to be calling me tonight.” 

“I’m sorry but I can’t make him stop holding back from me.”  Gavin gives me a sid
eways glance that says and you’re doing what?  But I shrug him off.  “I’ll tell Ian when I’m ready but I’m not allowing my past to dictate my future any longer.  Ian has to decide if the same is true for him.”

“Good god Celeste
, you two need to get your shit together.  You’re hiding a whole other life from him and he’s emotionally unavailable.”  His arms envelope me as the tears begin to slide down my cheeks.  “Doll,” he drops a light kiss into my hair, “it kills me to see you so torn up.  And lately it seems like this is happening more and more.  I love Ian, I do and I know he makes you happy…”  He hesitates before continuing fearful of my reaction.  “Do you think it would be better to just let him go?  You have your own issues to deal with and don’t need all this added stress.”

Would it be better?  Probably for everyone involved but not for my heart.  I’m holding on selfishly but I need him.  “You’re probably right, Gav.  The only problem is how do you stop breathing and still live?  I don’t think I c
an survive without him.”

“I understand,
Celeste, completely understand.  But you need to know that you’re stronger than you think you are.  You have a strength like I’ve never seen before whether you realize it or not.”  We sit there, me in his arms, until the buzzer brings us back to reality.

Chinese arrives and we eat in silence.  I go down to my old room and climb under the covers.  I
’m numb from the events of the day but hopeful at the same time.  For the first time, I no longer fear Ian knowing my secret; I only fear what could happen to him once I tell him.

I wake and get ready for work
, knowing I will have to change into clean clothes when I get to the penthouse.  Luckily when we moved things; I still left some of my clothes over there for nights that Ian and I needed to stay in town.  I make sure to get to the office early enough that no one will be suspicious of seeing me in yesterday’s clothes and go up to the penthouse.  The apartment is quiet when I walk in.  The bed is still perfectly made.  Everything in its place.  I change my clothes wondering where Ian stayed last night.

I walk through the kitchen into the office
.  I hear music coming from the sound system, All In by Lifehouse.  Ah, how appropriate for this morning.  I look around for Ian and then I have my answer as to the pristine condition of the apartment.  Ian is passed out on the floor in front of the couch.  I’m not sure if he fell asleep on the couch and rolled off or if he passed out before he could reach it.  Judging from the various empty decanters in the conference room, I would guess it is probably the latter.  I kneel beside him stroking his cheek.  He moans as if in pain, like my touch burns him and tries to roll away from me.  “Stop it, only Celeste.  Never you.  Leave me alone; leave us alone.  I love her.”  Holy shit, the first time he says he loves me is in a drunken dream and he’s arguing with
her
. 

“Oh, Ian.  All right, let’s go.”  I give him a couple shakes and get him to open his eyes a little.  He smiles at me before his head falls back to the carpet.  “Come on Ian.  We have to get you to the shower.” 

“Sweetheart, I don’t feel very well.  I think you might have to shower without me this morning.”  He slides his hand down my breast. 

“Ian, no I’m not getting in with you; but I can’t lift you and you need to get up.”  He nods at my words and with another moan makes a move to stand.

I take as much of his weight as I can and eventually we make it to the office bathroom.  Thank god there’s a shower in here.  If I had to get him all way back to our bedroom, it would have taken all day.  Still dressed I set him in the shower, turn on the water and close the door.  That should help him wake up.  “Holy shit, Celeste.  What the fuck are you doing?”  He screams as the icy water penetrates through to his skin.

“Oh
, are you finally somewhat more lucid?” 

“Dammit
, Celeste.”  He looks down at his soaked suit.  Oh poor baby, if it’s ruined you can just buy another suit.  I walk back to the shower and turn the handle so the water can warm up.  He still barely has the strength to stand but manages to step out of the shower for a moment raining water on the floor around him.  I strip him down and then remove my clothes and pin up my hair so hopefully it won’t get too wet in the shower.  Then I step in with him; I help him wash and have him sit back down so I can do his hair for him.  “Mm mm… Celeste your fingers in my hair feel wonderful.” 

“Oh Mr. Jacobs, don’t start with me this morning.  I could still be on a roll from yesterday.  I see you managed to drink your way through
several thousand dollars worth of scotch last night.  Was it worth it?”  He doesn’t meet my eyes. 

“It was the only way I could get any fucking sleep.  My girlfriend decided not to give me a chance to talk to her and left me.
Again.” 

“
Don’t you dare start with me.  I will get out of this shower and leave your miserable ass in here until you sober up if you don’t watch it.”  He gives a slight smile at my new gutsy-ness.  “Now do you want me to finish and I can make you some breakfast or would you prefer to stay in here all day like a petulant child?”