Out of the Blue (18 page)

“I’m not the one to judge by. And no, I don’t want to have sex with you,” he said. It was a complication he didn’t want. Sex with her wouldn’t have a point. It wouldn’t pay, it wouldn’t get him ahead, and he didn’t love her. He knew how love felt: it was a searing feeling that accentuated pain when someone hurt you. He hadn’t felt that with Molly. Love was fear, love was excitement. Not this calm, assuring feeling that someone just wanted to be beside you like he felt with Molly.

The rain outside punctuated the silence and comfort of the moment. He could feel the heat of her body beside him, patiently distant. Did she want him? If he’d been Molly, he would have just asked.

“Why aren’t you the one to judge by?”

“I’m just too screwed up,” he said. He tried to make the blanket cover his toes, but that pulled it down to his waist. He pulled it back up to his chest and smoothed it with his hands to make it as long as possible.

“Does that make you not want to have sex with people?”

“It makes it complicated,” he said. “I’m not sure I see the point to it.”

“Don’t you think it’s probably a way to show someone you love them? Like it is in manga?”

“I think that’s awfully idealized,” he said. “And I don’t think I can fall in love with someone.”

“Why? Because of that woman?”

“Valerie? Yes, probably.”

“Why would you let her take that from you?”

He turned on his side and propped his hand on his hand. “What do you mean?”

“It just seems like that’s giving her a lot of power over you,” she said. “Deciding that you won’t have something that seems so wonderful just because she made it bad.”

That was the problem, it hadn’t been bad. It had been damaging because he’d been young, because he could sense she used him, didn’t love him as he had her, but hadn’t been physically painful necessarily.

“I think you’re kind of going outside of bounds, unless you are a shrink.”

“Well have you seen one?”

“A shrink? Yes,” he said. “Once. I didn’t get it though. She made me feel like a victim, like a girl. I’m not like that. I’m just … It’s complicated.”

“What about cuddling?” she said. “Do you like that?”

He winced. “I don’t know. Why should I?”

“I guess that’s true, if you don’t even like sex.” She turned to face him in the same position. Her face just a foot away. He could see faint darkness under her eyes, a couple of freckles that could have been moles. And he felt something like static between them, like invisible current.

Perhaps people of the opposite gender just shouldn’t share beds, no matter how friendly they tried to be.

“I’ve never really cuddled,” he said. “The women I’ve been with weren’t exactly the type that wanted to be held after. I just fell asleep, or left. They seemed happy with that.”

He couldn’t stand the look she gave him. She was sad for him. Somehow he didn’t even realize that certain things about his life were sad until someone else heard them and gave him that look, or worse, cried about it. He’d survived it. He wasn’t sad. Why would they be? Plus cuddling before sex, that was just a way to foreplay. Just a way to get someone to have sex with you.

“Do you want to try it?” she asked.

It pushed him back with a force that he felt should have pushed him off the bed. “Here? With you?”

She huffed. “Sure. I mean, you might like it and not know. And I’m a friend. Shouldn’t friends help each other?”

Justin watched her fidget with her other hand. He noticed her hand was shaking slightly.

“Molly, do you want me to hold you?”

She pressed her lips together. Sat up and pulled her knees in. Nodded.

“Why?”

She took a breath and let it out noisily. “I guess no one has before really,” she said. “I don’t know about most people, but I find it really unnerving having someone trying to get into your house in the middle of the night. What if you hadn’t been there?”

“It didn’t sound like he could get in,” he said. He knew he was stalling. “Why would holding you help?”

“It just seems to in manga,” she said. “It seems to make girls feel safe. I thought maybe it’d be interesting for you too. But you don’t have to.”

He sat up too. Moved over in the bed to be next to her. “I really don’t know that friends snuggle friends in the dark on a bed.”

“We do, and we’re friends,” she said.

He lifted an arm and put it around her. She moved in underneath, rested her face on his chest. He moved lower to lie all the way down. She curled into his side. He could feel her ribs against his side, and above that, her breasts, a softness faintly felt under his arm. He moved a hand up to run it over her hair.

“Don’t do that, it tickles.”

“Sorry,” he said, dropping his hand. He didn’t know where to put it. He let it fall around her waist. “How is it?”

“Nice,” she said. “Warm.”

Justin felt her heartbeat against him, and it seemed almost in time with the rain for several seconds before being too slow to keep pace. He waited for the moments when her heartbeat synced with the rain again. Felt her breath against him and tried to keep his body from moving in sync with hers.

He wondered if she was asleep. He couldn’t sit forward to look at her eyes without pushing her forward, which could wake her up. He ran a hand up her back. She let out a small sigh and he smiled. He couldn’t think of something much more wonderful than sitting in bed in a warm, beautiful room with the rain hitting the window as a backdrop. At least until he’d had a wonderful woman curled into him, trusting him, asleep on him and making him feel like a better man than he could possibly be.

Why was it so different from the closeness of sex? He was surprised to look down and find he was erect. It acted like a wet blanket on the situation. Did that make him a pervert? No, as a male abuse victim, he knew the stupid thing sometimes had a mind of its own, standing up for something as asexual as a chair, or something as uncaring as the hand of a woman who hated him. Thinking along those lines eliminated the problem, and he didn’t have to worry about Molly waking to see a sight that she might find frightening or confusing.

He lay back and let his thoughts wander with the rain, let his semi-dreaming self move out into the ocean, rising with the waves, drifting to the horizon.

Chapter 12

M
olly woke feeling sticky, warmer than usual. She sat up, wondering if she’d left the curtains open, and slept in long enough that sunshine streamed in and made things too hot. But the room was still dark, the curtains closed, and on top of that, she could hear gently falling rain, falling in sparse plops against the roof and window.

She turned to the body in her bed. Justin lay with one hand above his head, the other fell beside her. She realized from the sweat on her side that that must have been where he’d been holding her. What time was it? She panicked for a moment about work before realizing it was Sunday. She lay back, accidentally bouncing the bed. Justin moved slightly then rolled onto his side towards her.

She studied his sleeping face. She remembered the night before. The time together, the stalker. And then, had that been a dream or had someone come to the door last night? Yes, they had, and she’d been scared, and invited Justin in. He looked so big sprawled on her bed. She didn’t want to creep on him since he’d been nice to humor her, to try and protect her, but couldn’t resist the chance to study his face.

She wished she could see the color of his eyes, but his dark lashes were also nice. She noticed a couple of minute scars on his upper cheek, probably from childhood acne. So tiny and blended with the color of his skin that she’d never seen them before. She hadn’t thought about him having a normal teenage life. She’d just assumed that a beautiful person would have everything easy. He seemed like he did in college. She looked at his nose, wondered how it could be so large and so feminine. It was straight until the very end, where it lifted a bit. She put an arm on either side of him so she could see him directly from the top. He stirred but didn’t wake. His mouth opened slightly. She envied his lips.

The top one was so unique. She didn’t have other kisses to compare to, but wondered if the fullness there made his kisses feel different than another man’s. Certainly not the crushing, hard experience she’d expected from romance novels. She noticed small wrinkles under his eyes, perhaps from squinting. Light stubble dotted his cheeks, and she knew that he would never be the type who could grow a good beard.

She wanted to touch his skin, see if it was as soft as it looked, see if the stubble felt fine or coarse. She had no right. He’d been doing her a favor. Trusted her. She felt that maybe his face looked different to her now than before she’d really known him. Close up, she noticed more flaws, and yet he was somehow more beautiful. She studied his face and realized that she wanted him to love her, even if he never could. What would it feel like to wake up and see that face every day? To wake up and know you weren’t alone, that someone cared and stayed beside you? Someone who is beautiful because you know them. She wondered if that was why she saw so many women with ugly men. Perhaps when you liked someone, their looks mattered less.

She wanted to touch his hair. She reached up a hand and moved some off of his forehead, and then cupped the side of his face, just slightly. He let out a small hum and writhed.

Molly looked down his body, noting each detail. She decided to pretend she hadn’t woken first and curl back under his arm. She couldn’t think of anything more wonderful than resting there. His arm felt heavy but soft around her, and she could hear his heartbeat beneath her cheek. She knew she was probably falling in love with this man.

Perhaps you just felt that way with anyone you slept next to. She closed her eyes and hoped to fall asleep, or at least look convincingly asleep, so that he wouldn’t wake up to her watching him. She felt heaviness claim her and smiled, hoping that next time she woke up, she’d feel this safe and warm.

~~~

Several hours later, the two headed to Molly’s office to check the emails. At her cubicle, Molly tried not to blush as Justin reached around her to open her email. She ducked under his arm and scooted her chair back so that he could just have full access. Watching his face, she could barely believe they’d just slept in the same bed. He seemed unaffected. She felt that now she’d had snuggling she’d have a hard time giving it up. She wondered if Jason was up for a snuggle. It was so the opposite of loneliness.

Justin made a series of clicks and grunts. She watched his brow move down and up as he concentrated. She let her eyes wander down his side, to his legs. She wondered what he would look like if he worked out more. She thought it would probably ruin his lean perfection. Such an inappropriate thing to think about right then. She stood.

“I’m going to grab a snack,” she said. “You want anything?”

“No.” He didn’t look away from the computer.

Molly grabbed a couple packets of cookies and went back. When she got there, he had his fingers tented together, touching his nose. He saw her and reached his arms out to stretch, then scratched his head.

“This doesn’t make any sense,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve traced the IP,” he said. “Back to the computer at Club Blue.”

Molly sat down too hard on the chair and felt pain in her butt. “But. How?”

“That doesn’t mean it’s a host,” he said. “It could just mean the stalker is smart and knows to use a public computer for traceable things. If he’s been following you, it’s totally possible that he’s been at Club Blue. And he might even be someone Hope trusts if he got into the office.” He dragged his hands down his face, stretching the skin, and then rested them under his chin. “I don’t know where to go from here.”

“Are there cameras in the office?”

“I don’t think so,” he said. “All the other cameras feed there; it’s where you can watch the videos. I don’t know why Hope would have cameras in there.”

“Do you think we should ask around at the club?” Molly felt more interested in spending more time with Justin than she did in actually figuring out the mystery. Somehow she didn’t feel that threatened by the stalker. But maybe that was only because she had such a firm ally.

“I don’t know,” he said. He sighed. “I’m totally lost. I mean it makes sense that they would have my number now; they could have gotten it on the computer. But I don’t know where to go from here.”

“I guess you can’t just stay over every night.”

He hmphed. “I guess not. Would probably piss Jason off.”

She wanted to tell him that Jason wasn’t going to be around much more, but she held off. She needed to remember that Justin was off the table for a relationship, and Jason was the only other option around. Someone who actually wanted her. Someone healthy. Or healthier at least.

“When is your next date with him?”

“I don’t know yet,” she said. “I haven’t talked to him since our date, yesterday.”

“Oh.” Justin turned off the computer and sat back. “I’m sorry I made you come in on the weekend for nothing.”

“It’s fine,” she said. “But it wasn’t for nothing. At least we know where they’ve been, and maybe more about who they could be.”

“True.”

“Should we go get lunch?”

“I should probably get back to my homework.” He stood and put on his jacket.

“I guess so.” She realized this had to end. They couldn’t spend every minute of every day together. Even if they were dating, which they weren’t. She had no claim on his time.

“Did you still want help on a lab?”

“I think I’ll try it on my own,” he said. “I’ll learn better that way.”

Molly wondered if maybe they shouldn’t have had a night like the one before. So now he was just going to leave her alone.

“Of course, text or call if anything happens. If anything is even slightly off, or if you just want to be with someone,” he said. “Or you could call Jason.”

“Okay.” She said. “I’ll walk you out.”

He pressed the elevator button.

“Let’s take the stairs,” she said. “I could use the exercise.”

“I’d rather take the elevator.”