Out of the Mountain (32 page)

“It wasn’t me!” My voice broke with a cry. I pulled my knees in and rocked myself. I was going to be sick. My vision still blurry, I tried to rise from the bed.

“Sit,” Rowan growled.

“Sick,” I muttered, trying to feel my way to the bathroom. My stomach clenched as acid filled my throat, and I was lifted and quickly deposited in front of the toilet as I heaved. Strong hands were at my back and deft fingers held my braid back.

“You should leave, she wouldn’t want you to see this,” Briony said, and Rowan let out a low rumbling sound from his chest.

“All right, but you heard me try, Vivi,” she said warily.

I heaved again and moaned in discomfort. Tears welled in my eyes. Rowan knelt behind me, one strong hand supporting me as the other rubbed my back in soft circles. I tried swatting him away to no avail.

I quickly flushed the toilet, and he lifted me to my feet. I washed my mouth at the sink as I tried to keep from flinching at the visions racing through my head. My own mother! I had killed her and felt joy! A sob broke from my throat, and Rowan pulled me into his arms trying to soothe me. Who knows what Farran was being tormented by? I needed to help him.

“Take me to Farran,” I rasped, and Rowan lifted me easily, placing me next to Farran. I conjured the smaller dagger, and I dropped it as I saw blood covering my hands. I wiped them onto my pants, blinking, willing my vision to clear. Farran whimpered, and I forced myself to pick the dagger up and place it to his arm.

I couldn’t do it. I physically couldn’t make myself cut him, even if I was only trying to help. I looked to Rowan eyes wide in fear.
“Please help me. I can’t.”
I sent the message to him. His hand swiftly appeared over mine, and when the blade touched Farran’s skin, light flowed into it. I pushed it forward, expelling the dark shadows that surrounded Farran as quickly as I could manage. When the blade dulled, his eyes popped open, meeting mine. In a flash he was gone. I cried out for him, but he didn’t return.

Rowan ushered the others from the room as I tried to regain control of my thoughts. He conjured my pajamas and helped me into bed without speaking a word. He offered his hand to me, and I clutched it tightly between mine. Every time I tried to close my eyes I saw blood, tasted it, and reveled in it. Narissa was truly evil, soul blackened beyond hope of repair.

“You must help me to understand this guilt you are drowning in. Your emotions are confusing me, Vinnie. I want to help you.”

“It wasn’t me.”

“What did you see?” I couldn’t speak of it, so instead I tried to show him what was already flashing through my mind. When he froze and stiffened, I knew it was working. I poured it all on him, the burden being lightened by his touch and presence. I was crying again by the end, and he was seething under the surface of calm.

“You must try to separate her mind and feelings from yours. You are distraught by the mere thoughts of the deeds she reveled in. These things occurred long ago. You mustn’t allow them to harm you in this manner.” Frustration filled his voice.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Am I just supposed to get over stabbing my mother and grandmother, tasting the blood of my great-grandfather, and feeling pleasure from it all?” I cried, gasping for breath embarrassingly as I tried to calm myself.

“You did none of those things. You weren’t even born when most of it happened, Vivienne. Seeing these things does not change who you are, and you are not Narissa.”

“I know that!”

“The battle is coming, Vinnie, whether we are ready for it or not. You will likely witness much more evil than you’ve seen this night before it is over.”

“I’m not like you, Rowan! I’m not capable of being quite so apathetic.”

“That is far from true. I do care, which is why I am sick with worry over what is to come. You mustn’t let this stop you. I understand that it will be difficult and the burden will be hard to bear.” He paused, seeming to think something over, and then continued with ferocity behind his words.

“I once went through something that was so horrible, it haunted me for years, eating me from the inside out. Everything was taken from me, I had no one, and nothing left to fight for. But you . . . you have people who love you, who care about you and want to keep you safe. You are not alone. You will fight these feelings and thoughts with all you have, and if you cannot do that, then you will allow them in and arm yourself with the knowledge of how truly evil our enemy is.” His eyes were glowing and focused as he spoke, his voice fervent. I was captivated, hanging on his every word.

“What happened to you?”

“Let us not load more sadness upon your kind heart tonight, Vinnie. It is a story for another time. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this. The sting of tragedy is one that is felt by many. I would hope you would never have to learn to cope the way I have . . . when it becomes all too familiar. Your sense of security will return to you soon. With each passing day it will become easier for you to separate what happened from yourself. You are strong. I have no doubt that this will make you even stronger.”

“I want to believe you are right, but it just feels so raw right now, and I’m worried about Farran.”

“Farran is resilient.”

“I suppose he would have to be to survive as long as he has,” I agreed.

“Sleep now, Vinnie. The morning will come sooner than you wish it.”

“You’re kidding right?” I balked. The only way I was getting sleep is if someone knocked me out.

“I will sit at your side through the night if you wish it.” I bristled at the words “if you wish it.” I wanted him to want to do it. I was starting to resent the idea of this oath he took. The lines were being blurred for me in what he wanted and what he thought he was bound to do.

“No. I’ll be fine,” I grumbled, letting his hand go and turning my back to him. I immediately regretted it as the warmth started spilling out of me. He didn’t reply, but I felt him at my back. He hadn’t moved. I laid still trying to redirect my thoughts for a long time and failing before I decided to try and meditate. It took a long time, and I didn’t feel like I completely got it, but I heard Master Liung’s words of encouragement like a whisper in my ear.

“Be strong and focus not on the tragedies of the past. Tomorrow comes with its own set of problems. So is the way of life.”

Wasn’t he just a ray of sunshine?

***

I had woken many times through the night, tossing and turning, surrounded by nightmares of blood and laughter. Rowan’s steady presence at my back was the only thing that helped me calm myself. I showered in a daze, and when I exited the bathroom, I was surprised to see Farran waiting for me. I froze in the doorframe, looking him over. His hair was down, his eyes were red, and the small smile in the corner of his mouth was forced. I reach out to him, and he pulled me into a tight hug.

“I was so worried about you.” I breathed in the ever-present smell of cinnamon that surrounded him.

“I just needed to collect my thoughts,” Farran rumbled through my ear on his chest.

“I’m still trying to do that as well.” I sighed as he pulled back to look at me aghast.

“You saw? Vivi, I didn’t realize. I wouldn’t have left you had I known.”

“When I touched you, I got pulled in for a bit. It was a lot to take in.” I frowned at the jumble of memories I had seen.

“What exactly did you see?” His voice was a near whisper, and I stiffened at the memories.

“I saw a lot of things. Why are you asking that? You saw it all too . . .”

“I saw my mother’s death, her father’s death, and your mother, who might as well have been my sister . . . I saw her die as well. Over and over again as if I did it.” His voice broke and I frowned.

“That’s all you saw?” I puzzled, and at his nod my frown deepened.

“I saw much more.” I pushed the thoughts and memories to him the way I had Rowan and forced myself not to begin crying all over again. When it was done, Farran sat shakily on the end of my bed. I joined him, linking our arms and laying my head on his shoulder.

“The emotions and intent she put behind this was to harm me, not you. She had no idea it would have any effect on you, or allow you to see into her mind further than she intended. I’m so sorry, Vivi. I should have left it alone. I was just so curious.”

“Didn’t curiosity kill the cat?” I tried to joke.

“Well, we are both still alive, so I’d say no.” He gave a small smile for my effort.

“How did you find it?” Rowan piped in from his chair. Farran hissed and pointed at his nose. He sniffed it out in tiger form. Smart.

“You need to try and control your thoughts. What you showed me has already helped me, Vivi. The parts I didn’t see are the ones you need to remember.”

“It’s hard to focus on petty jealousies and irrational entitlement when you have the option of murdering your own mother for sport.”

“Yes, I saw her kill my mother too. I saw it from her point of view. Her thoughts and her actions played out as my own in a cruel and spiteful trick. I was there when my mother died. I know how I felt when it happened. When you think of your mother being murdered, what do you feel?”

“Sadness, anger, regret of not remembering her in the first place.” I sighed.

“You were a toddler when your mother died, almost three years but not quite. There is no reason to think you would remember anything except the mountain and the monks. It was safer that way.”

“I guess I see your point. It did help to remember how I truly feel by what happened. I’ll just have to keep reinforcing it.”

“Good girl. Now, come on . . . the two of us have a ritual to attend to.” He huffed, pulling me to my feet. I followed him to the ritual room. I felt better after talking to him honestly. I was still sickened by what I had seen, but I was able to start reinforcing my thoughts over hers. When I flinched, it was because of the awful things that she did, and she needed to answer for it soon.

Ritual finished, nine marks and daggers down, three more to go. Training was rough. I could barely hold my daggers steady, much less use them in a forceful way. Rowan was growing angrier by the minute. I knew what I was doing with these blades. My muscles were etched from learning to wield them with finesse. He pushed me hard, but I knew that he was trying to get an angry reaction out of me, so it didn’t work. When he realized that, he changed tactics. He turned on Luca with all the force of a hurricane, knocking him farther and farther back with his blade. Luca was giving it everything he had to block and try to keep pace. I could see his steps faltering, already tired from training hard, and Rowan wasn’t being fair.

“Stop it!” I roared at his back. He didn’t even flinch; instead, he increased his assault. Luca’s weapon flew from his hands, and he threw his arms up to protect his face. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Rowan preparing to swing at him, unarmed. Fury propelled me forward, and I managed to block his swing before it fell. My mind told me that Rowan wouldn’t have killed Luca almost as much as the gleam in his eyes told me he would.

I was seething, full of pent-up anger and energy, coiled and ready to strike. Rowan didn’t move a muscle until I did. I poured all of my emotions into attacking the man I was falling in love with, because I knew he could take it. He blocked, allowing me to push him farther and farther back. I had never fought this hard in my life, and I didn’t know how to stop. When I had his back pressed into a tree, I started to worry that I really was a monster. That I would kill him and like it. Blood flashed before my eyes, but it wasn’t real. I needed this to stop before I lost it completely.

In a split-second decision, I swiped with my right dagger as I kicked with my left foot and simultaneously used the hilt of my smaller dagger to knock his sword away. It fell to the ground with a clang that rang through the air. For a second there was no sound, no movement, no breath. Then a full and bright smile appeared on Rowan’s face as he pulled me into a tight hug. I heard cheering from behind me. My arms were shaking, and I started tear up. For a second I thought I might possibly throw up, and then I realized what I had just done.

I had just bested Rowan . . .

And he was happy about it.

“You can relax your weapons, Vinnie, your fight is over for today,” Rowan whispered as he released me into the oncoming crowd of novices.

“You tricked me,” I growled.

“No, I merely called upon your instinct to protect those you care about to the detriment of your own self.”

“You wouldn’t have hurt him.” I was certain.

“And you would not have harmed me.” He was certain as well.

“Thanks for the help, Vivi.” Luca blushed with his embarrassment of being used in Rowan’s ploy.

“Apologize to Luca,” I snapped at Rowan, and he gave me a cross look.

“I am sorry for using you as an example to motivate our princess. I could have used anyone near to do so, and for my own reasoning I chose you as the target of my aggression. If it is any consolation, you held your own well . . . for a while. That should be a comfort to you at least, considering I was not having the most honorable thoughts while swinging my blade toward your head.”

“Rowan!” I chastisized at his cocky tone.

“It’s OK, Vivi.” Luca smirked at me, glad to have gotten something over Rowan in their fight.

“I would like to take this opportunity to say that I never actually had any sort of sexual relations with Vivi and clear up any future confusion that might occur,” Malachi piped in loudly, and I covered my face with a hand. This was not happening. Rowan chuckled.

“Oh, would you all grow up and stop it already?” Briony tried to hide her laugh as she wrapped her arm around me.

“Thanks.” I gave her a small smile.

“Are we done for the day?” Griffin asked what we all were wondering.

“Yes, I suppose we are,” Rowan said, waving us off.

“Great! Who wants to go swimming after dinner?” Peyton yipped, and Genevieve thrust her hand into the air.

“That sounds like fun.” I admitted as my smile grew.

***

After dinner we all made our way to the pond together, and my mood was definitely picking up. I was starting to feel more like myself as the day went by. The constant distraction of my friends was helping a lot. Griffin complained when he heard Rowan was coming to “stand guard” because that meant no contraband alcohol. Briony invited all the guards to come hang out, and I was more surprised than she was when they accepted the offer.