Out of Time (16 page)

He leaned back against the railing. “It’s a different time.”

Elizabeth mimicked his pose, turning back to face the park. The sun had set and thousands of fairy lights sparkled in the night.

She frowned and nodded toward the park. “It’s just a Potemkin village, isn’t it? A beautiful façade hiding a dark reality.”

“Aren’t most things?”

“I guess so,” she said and pushed away from the railing. They started back slowly toward the Bowery.

They walked the short distance up 12th Street, passing the huge two-hundred foot Wonder Wheel. The sideshow carnies and their nickel games of chance lined the sidewalk—age old scams waiting for the next sucker. Hucksters and conmen were all too familiar to him, and probably her as well, he realized. They’d certainly met enough of them in their work, and Elizabeth had undoubtedly met her share with her father.

They were nearing the end of the midway when a stall owner cried out, “We have a winner!”

He handed a man a kewpie doll. The woman with him threw her arms around his neck and squealed in delight. The happy couple walked away arm in arm.

Simon had grown increasingly distressed by Elizabeth’s silence. More than once he’d wished she would curb her enthusiasm, but now he found he missed it. Her smile that had warmed him during the day had faded with the afternoon light. He wanted to reassure her, but false comforts weren’t his nature. He knew it was absurd, but he felt compelled to see her smile again. He noticed the byplay of the couple and had an idea.

“This way,” he said and led her toward one of the ring toss stalls.

“Nickel for three tries,” said the carny. “Win something for the pretty lady?”

“What would you like?” Simon said confidently. How hard could it be?

Elizabeth laughed, but it was still lifeless. “It’s okay.”

Simon surveyed the prizes. The kewpie dolls were hideous. He looked over at Elizabeth and saw her eyes lingering on a small stuffed animal on the top shelf. “What do I have to do for the tiger? That one in the back?”

The carny’s lips curled in pleasure. “Just gotta get one ring on the blue bottle and it’s yours.”

Simon took off his coat and handed it to Elizabeth. She smiled, a bit of the spark he so loved lighting her eyes. Shouldn’t be difficult really—one ring out of three.

Ten minutes and three dollars later, he still hadn’t hit a sodding thing. He slammed another quarter down on the wooden ledge.

“Really, it’s okay,” she said, biting her lip in an obvious effort to keep from laughing.

“No, it’s not,” he said.

He tossed the ring, and it clattered off to the side. The second rimmed off the blue-necked bottle. Finally, the third hit its mark. It looped around the bottle and settled in place.

Simon grunted in triumph. “About bloody time.”

Elizabeth laughed and gave him a round of applause. He suddenly felt embarrassed. He wasn’t one for overt, or covert for that matter, shows of testosterone. But the way she looked at him, almost adoringly, it was enough to turn lead into gold.

The carny used his long pole to retrieve the stuffed tiger and handed it to Simon. Elizabeth positively beamed when he turned back to her. Whatever the cost, it had been well worth it.

Feeling the carny’s eyes on them, Simon led Elizabeth to a secluded spot near a darkened stall for more privacy. He looked down at the tiger. It was ridiculous really, poorly made and covered with a layer of dust. The stitches were loose and haphazard, ready to split apart at the slightest provocation.

He turned it over in his hands, feeling suddenly foolish. Such a paltry thing for all the money he’d spent. Money they didn’t have to spare. He took a deep breath. “I think he belongs to you,” he said softly and handed her the tiger.

Elizabeth brushed the soft fur and played with one of the ears. “I love him,” she whispered. She steadied herself on his shoulder and leaned up to kiss him. Just the barest caress on the corner of his mouth, but the feeling was electric. She pulled away just far enough for him to see her face—surprised, questioning, and desiring. A breathless moment hovered between them.

A voice inside Simon’s head screamed at him to step away, to stop this before it went too far. She moved closer again, her lips brushing against his. And the voice fell silent. Everything Simon knew, every good reason, every second thought, disappeared in that instant. The only thing that mattered was the feeling.

Her lips, tentative and soft, pressed against his. His hands moved without thought and pulled her body closer. Fueled by desires too long buried, he kissed her with all that he was, all that he dreamt of being. She opened herself to him, and he took all she offered. The gentle kiss blossomed with passion, as he tasted her, drank her in, devoured her. He felt her breasts crush against his chest as he pulled her closer still. His hands splayed across the arch of her back and the delicate curve of her neck. The silk of her hair wound its way around his fingers as she wound her way around his heart.

She eased her mouth from his, and he could feel the soft warmth of her breath against his cheek. He groaned with pleasure and opened his eyes.

“Simon,” she whispered breathlessly.

He pulled back and looked into her face, flushed with the heat of the moment, lips swollen and slightly parted. Her eyes glistened in the moonlight, pulling him in. He was falling, spiraling, completely out of control. Out of control. Slowly, a swelling terror rose in his chest. The panicked feeling from his dream, the loss and desolation, surged inside him. Dear God, what had he done?

It was a moment he would revisit for years to come—the moment he pushed her away.

He still held her, not to him, but away from him. His fingers dug into her arms, as his grip tightened. He couldn’t do this. He’d been a fool to think he could lose himself in her. He could never outrun who he was, who he wasn’t. Love was a luxury for other men. He shook his head slightly and winced as pain and confusion colored her expression.

“That was a mistake,” he said.

Her face blanched, and she gripped the small, stuffed tiger tightly. “I…I don’t understand,” she stuttered.

He couldn’t explain it. How could he confess that he could never be the man she wanted, the man she deserved? Wanting her in return couldn’t change that. No matter how much he wanted her. He’d selfishly taken what she’d offered without thought to the consequence. He could love her. He did love her, he thought with a deepening sickness in his heart, but he couldn’t bear to be loved by her. To have something so beautiful and know it couldn’t last. To know each day spent with her was one fewer day left to them. The swell of panic from his nightmares overwhelmed him again. He could not bear to let her in, only to have to let her go again. His heart couldn’t take the risk.

“But on the train,” she said. “And this morning.…”

The pain in her voice cut into his resolve, but he couldn’t waver. He knew he was a coward. That realization only reaffirmed he was right in pulling away. He wasn’t capable of being what she needed. He was selfish and afraid. The sooner they both faced it, the better. She deserved a whole man, not broken pieces.

“Mistakes,” he said more firmly.

She looked as if she’d been struck. Every fiber of his being screamed for him to comfort her. He reined them in. Better a clean cut. He would watch over her, loving her safely from afar. If he kept his distance, maybe one day he could forget her. Or perhaps, if he stayed away from her, the terrible fate he’d dreamt of would never come to pass.

“We should be getting back,” he said. He set his jaw and let his eyes fall to the ground.

Elizabeth glared at him for a long moment. He could feel her eyes boring into him, but he didn’t have the courage to meet them. Didn’t have the strength to weather the questions and the anger he knew they held. Then, without another word, she turned and walked away.

ELIZABETH COULDN’T BEAR TO look at him, not without yelling, or worse, crying. She wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of either.

They’d sat apart on the train. She’d left the stuffed animal behind, not able to look at a reminder of what had almost been. The walk home was silent. She wanted to run; she wanted to run and hide and disappear. Her father’s voice was the only thing that kept her from losing it completely. Never let ’em know you’re scared. Eddie West’s kid didn’t run away. No matter what.

The door to the apartment closed behind her. She shivered and wrapped her arms around her chest. For a fleeting moment, she wished he’d come to her. Say he didn’t mean it, that it was all a mistake.

A mistake. How those words cut.

She heard him pad over to the table by the window. He wasn’t going to take it back. He meant it. She was a mistake.

She lowered her hands to her sides and tightened them into fists to keep them from trembling and walked into the bathroom. She simply couldn’t be in the same room with him. Slamming the door behind her, she looked into the mirror.

How was she going to face him again? The look in his eyes when he’d said it, shocked and appalled, almost angry. She’d put her soul into that moment, into that kiss. She offered him her heart, and he’d looked at her like she was a fly in his soup.

Why was it the things you want to forget the most are the things that stay with you forever? She closed her eyes, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill out. There were precious few times she missed her mother. Daddy was all she’d ever needed, most of the time. But what she wouldn’t give to have her mom, right here, right now.

Elizabeth grabbed a handful of toilet paper and wiped her runny nose, sniffling back the tears that clogged her throat. There was no one here for her to talk to. No one to tell her it was going to be all right. And besides, it wasn’t going to be all right.

What the hell had she been thinking? He’d spent a few dollars on a cheap stuffed toy, and she threw herself into his arms.

She pushed away from the sink and slumped down onto the toilet. She was a complete fool. He’d been nice to her. Nothing more. Was she that desperate for the illusion that he cared? Seeing things when nothing was there.

Simon was right. Believing something didn’t make it true. It just made you look like an ass.

Elizabeth ran a shaky hand over her eyes. God, if she could only take it back. Rewind, call a do-over. She replayed the scene in her head again and again. The way he looked at her right after she thanked him for the tiger. He wanted her, he felt something. Or was that revisionist history? She could remember every nuance, every place his hands had touched her. And it hadn’t meant anything to him.

Could she be more pathetic? She’d actually discovered a whole new level of humiliation. Maybe they’d name it after her, like Lou Gehrig’s disease. West’s Shame: not fatal, but you wished it were.

He could have stopped it before it started, if it was such a big mistake. But he didn’t. He kissed her back. He wanted to kiss her. He felt something. She was sure of it. This wasn’t just another kiss. She’d kissed enough horny underclassmen to know the difference. Lust was hands up your shirt and tongues down your throat. Simon caressed her, held her. It had been more than the twenty year difference in experience. It was passion, tempered. But tempered with what? Why the hell had he pushed her away? What was he running from? Was the mighty Simon Cross afraid?

She let out a long sigh and moved back to the sink. She turned the taps and let the water rush over her hands. The cold against her face made her gasp, but she wasn’t going to be red-faced and puffy-eyed if she could help it. Rivulets of water ran down her chin, and she rubbed them into her neck. She looked at herself in the mirror again, when a knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.

“Eliz— Miss West?” Simon’s voice came from the other side of the door. “Are you…Is everything all right in there?”

She stared into her reflection and felt a new heat rising in her. Anger. It was a damn sight better than the abject humiliation of a few minutes ago. If he wanted to be a repressed schmuck, he could do it on his own damn time. You didn’t make someone feel something and then pull the rug out from under them. You just didn’t do it.

Her T-shirt was hanging on the thin clothesline over the tub. Thank God she’d done laundry earlier and didn’t have to go back into the room to get her clothes. She wasn’t about to wear the top of their matching set of pajamas. Shrugging off her dress, she pulled the tiny shirt over her head. The hem fell slightly above her panties and she started to tug it down, but the hell with it. What did it matter now anyway? She grabbed a towel and dried her face. Taking one more steeling breath, she opened the door.

Simon took a step back and shifted nervously.

She glared at him for a moment until he had the good sense to look away. She walked over to the bed and pulled the coverlet down on her side. It was probably foolish to even ask why, but she couldn’t help herself. And maybe in the asking she could find a little bit of control.

“There’s only one thing I want to know,” she said, as she turned to face him. “What are you so afraid of?”

Simon frowned and shook his head. “I… I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?” She waited for more, but he just looked at her with those shuttered eyes. That was all he had to say? She tensed her jaw and fought the urge to shake him. He could barely look at her. He should at least have the decency to look her in the eye. A screaming match would have been better than the defeat, the complete lack of anything. Was he that shut down? Maybe it all wasn’t a façade. Maybe he really was a cold-hearted bastard.

They stood in an awkward silence for a painfully long moment before she shook her head with undisguised pity.

“Fine. You be sorry. Be whatever the hell you want. I’m going to bed.”

Simon turned the corner onto Mulberry Street, already planning his next move. If she wasn’t there, he’d try Saint Patrick’s, then go back uptown and retrace their steps from earlier in the week.

Damn that woman.

The last thing he’d wanted was the one thing he’d gotten. She’d been gone that morning when he woke up. No note, nothing except an empty bed. It was just like her. To rush off to God knows where.