Over the Fence (37 page)

~KOURTNEY~

I woke up, wrapped up in Nathan. His arms were locked around me, his head resting on my chest. I stayed silent, my hand drifting through his hair, the thick strands feeling like silk under my fingers. He had slept well the past few nights, no twitching or nightmares. I wished he would tell me what caused him to cry out sometimes at night, or cling to me so fiercely. I studied his face, peaceful in sleep, and still so handsome. His rugged features were softened in repose but very appealing. He was warm and loving, and completely perfect to me.

Too perfect for you,
the negative voice in my head whispered.

Instantly, a deep feeling of inadequacy flooded my mind. I would never be able to satisfy and hold this man. Sooner, rather than later, he would grow tired of me and his wonderful, caring gestures would end. The thought of his warm gaze turning into the cold sneer I was used to from the men in my life, made me shudder.

As if sensing my thoughts, his arms tightened and his head lifted; his drowsy gaze meeting mine. “What’s the matter, Chefgirl?” His voice was a low whisper in the still of the room.

I forced a smile to my lips. “Nothing,” I lied. “I have to, um, pee and someone is using me as a mattress.”

He smiled back, all sexy and dopey, and kissed my chin. “Sweetest fucking mattress I’ve ever slept on,” he murmured as he rolled over. “Hurry back.”

Slipping out of bed, I went into the bathroom, shutting the door. I made my way through my morning routine and went back into the bedroom. As I suspected, he was sound asleep again, his head burrowed into one pillow, his bright-colored hair a shaggy mess around his head, while his arms were locked around mine. As with everything else in his life, when he did something, he did it wholeheartedly; whether it was digging into a meal I cooked him, working on my computer, or sleeping.

He was sleeping peacefully, and I knew it would wake him if I slid back into bed with him. He had kicked off the covers and I stood admiring the long sleek lines of his back, remembering how his skin felt under my fingers. How tightly his muscles rippled as he thrust into me, groaning my name. I shook my head sadly as I thought of how amazing he was. He was simply too good for me; I wasn’t worthy of someone like him—and, soon he would realize it.

Even last night, he had sighed at my obvious discomfort after we got home from the barbeque. He had, indeed, peeled off the dress he liked so much, but I had pleaded for it to be in the dark and the disappointed look on his face before the light switched off was evident. Although his lovemaking had been warm and tender, I had sensed his frustration with me. I knew it was growing daily no matter how he tried to hide it. I was already becoming annoying to him. Fighting back tears, I grabbed my running clothes and changed in the guestroom, wanting him to stay sleeping. He didn’t like me going out this early in the morning to run and I knew he would hate the reason I did so. He wouldn’t like the fact I used the surrounding darkness to not be noticed.

If I woke him up, he would want to come with me, and at the moment, I wanted to be alone. No one was going to bother me, especially Andy. But knowing he would want me to, I slipped the cell phone he had gotten me into my pocket before I left. Quietly, I made my way out the door and stretched, then turning on my iPod, I chose one of my angrier playlists and took off running.

An hour later, I let myself back in and went to my room after a long drink of cold water. I wasn’t surprised to see Nathan gone. No doubt he had woken up and knew I had gone for a run, and left to go do some things on his own. He had mentioned having errands to run today. A small grin played on my lips as I wondered if he left via the front door or had used the ladder and gone over the fence. He seemed to prefer that method. He said it was because it was how we started. My smile faltered as the familiar, negative voice in my mind whispered it was because he didn’t want people to see him leaving my house and know he was with me.

Last night he had shown me he wasn’t ashamed to be seen with me. He had been open and affectionate all night, never leaving my side and introducing himself as my boyfriend. He had rebuffed Colleen’s advances, firmly stating his place in my life. He even let her believe we were living together, on a permanent basis. Something I wanted, but had yet to find the courage to ask. I couldn’t stop the voice in my head that told me it would change. Not to get my hopes up, because it would end and I’d be alone again.

Sighing, I stepped into the shower and welcomed the heat of the water as it poured over my aching muscles. I had really pushed it today, getting my frustrations out by running faster and harder than normal. When I felt clean and my muscles less sore, I got out of the shower, wrapped myself in a towel and padded into the bedroom.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I reached over and picked up his pillow, burying my face in it as I breathed deep. Having the scent of someone other than my own in my bed was still very new, and the fact it was
his
scent was incredibly amazing. He always smelled so good and holding his pillow made me feel . . . safe. It wasn’t a feeling I was used to and I knew I would miss it when it was gone.

I lay back, allowing myself to relax. I had the whole day ahead of me to fill. As I rested there, I could feel myself drifting, the breeze from the window floating over my warm, damp skin. Maybe, a little nap would be okay before I got up and decided what to do for the rest of the day. I tried to ignore the part of me hoping, once he was done with his errands, it would be spent with Nathan. We were together so much now; I missed him when he wasn’t around. I had never realized how lonely I was until he became part of my life. A part I wasn’t sure I could live without anymore. I sighed sadly as I reclined on top of the bed feeling myself start to drift.

The mattress dipping, a large figure looming over me, and a husky voice woke me with a start. “Well. Isn’t this a pretty picture to come home to?” Nathan whispered as his lips dragged up my neck. “Such a tempting offer, lying there, waiting for me.”

“I thought you’d gone out,” I gasped.

“I did. I went to get us some coffee and breakfast since you left me alone.” He growled, narrowing his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going for a run, Kourtney? You know I hate it when you’re out so early alone.”

My hand cupped his stern face, loving that even, if only for now, he was concerned for me. “It wasn’t as early today,” I placated him. “I had my cell phone. And, you were sleeping so soundly, I didn’t want to wake you.”

His face softened. “I sleep well when I’m here with you. I haven’t had a nightmare all week. I woke up, thinking you were in the bathroom, but you were gone.” He frowned. “I didn’t like it. Don’t do it again.” Leaning down, he kissed me tenderly. “Wake me up. Tell me you’re going—even if you want to go alone. I need to know, okay?” He kissed me again, this time a little harder. “I need to know where you are, that you’re safe.”

My breath caught at the intensity in his eyes. “Okay,” I breathed.

He nodded. “Okay. Now . . . back to this lovely offering before me.” He grinned as his hand reached down and tugged on the towel I had wrapped around me. My hand flew up, halting his actions. He froze and looked down at me, his expression serious once again. He studied me for a moment.

“Why, Kourtney?”

“Let me get a T-shirt,” I whispered. “Please.”

He shook his head. “No. This stops now. Today.”

He sat up, dragging his hands through his hair. Standing, he began pacing. “Why? Tell me why. Why won’t you let me love you the way I want to? Why do you keep hiding from me?”

I could feel the tears welling and I sat up, unable to meet his eyes. The room was silent, and I wondered if this was it. He would leave now, tired of my insecurities I couldn’t share with him, and I would be alone again. However, he stopped his pacing and came over, kneeling down in front of me; his hands lifted my chin, forcing me to meet his intense gaze. “Kourtney, I need you to do something for me. I’m begging you right now. Please.”

His eyes were so passionate, and I nodded. He tugged on my hand, bringing me to my feet. “I need you to trust me. Please trust me. I
won’t
hurt you, I promise; can you remember that for the next few minutes?”

Confused, I nodded again and watched as he tore off his shirt and pants, and stood before me naked and breathtaking as the sun glinted off his defined muscles and skin. Unconsciously, my hand tightened on the towel I had wrapped around my body, a small layer of protection against the ugliness hidden beneath. Nathan took me over to the mirror in the corner of my room, placing me slightly to one side of him. Our eyes locked in the mirror, his intense and troubled, mine terrified and panicked.

What was he going to do?

His hand gently cupped my shoulder, bringing me to his side. “What do you see?” His voice was quiet but piercing in the room.

“You.”

“What about me?”

“I see how incredible you are,” I whispered the truth.

“Describe me. Describe how you see me,” he insisted.

I hesitated.

“Tell me.”

“Tall. Lean and muscular. Long legs. Broad shoulders.”

“Keep going, Kourtney.” His voice was tight.

My eyes drifted to his hand, which was still resting on my shoulder. “You have beautiful hands; a musician’s hands. They’re so strong, but they always touch me so gently.”

“What else?”

I lifted my eyes to meet his gaze. “Your face—”

“Is?”

I frowned, trying to figure out the best way to describe him. “Handsome. No, more than handsome. Rugged, yet beautiful. Your eyes are like windows to your soul, they’re always so expressive. The color reminds me of the blue of the ocean. I love how bright your hair is. It’s like molten copper and it feels so good when I touch it. And your mouth . . .” I paused. “It’s sexy—so full. The things you say make me laugh; the way you smile makes me smile with you. It lights up a room. You have so many different smiles, and I love seeing them. And when you kiss me . . .” I shrugged. “There are no words.” I looked at him, marveling at his attractiveness.

“You’re perfect, Nathan.”

He snorted, shaking his head. “I’m not perfect.”

“I see how other women look at you. They think so, as well.”

He frowned. “Are you referring to that woman last night? Colleen? I’m not even remotely interested in her.”

“Other women were looking at you, too.”

“I don’t care how other women look at me, Kourtney. You’re the only woman whose opinion matters to me.” Our eyes locked and his hands tightened on my shoulders. He inhaled a deep breath, letting it escape slow.

“I am tall, yes. Long legs—yep. I’m muscular with broad shoulders, because I work out like a freaking demon at the gym in the building every day. Otherwise, I’d look like a bag of bones. I’ve never been able to keep weight on. When I was a kid, I was this skinny geek who got picked on all the time for being a walking skeleton. Until a few weeks ago, the only thing keeping the weight on besides muscle mass was too much beer and horrid frozen dinners high in fat. Now, I feel better because I drink less, eat wonderful, healthy, home-cooked meals, made by my
girlfriend
and when given the chance, run with her.”

I dropped my head, and his hand shot out and lifted my chin. “Look at me,” he demanded, pulling me in front of him.

His chin rested on my shoulder. “My nose has been broken twice and it’s crooked. It’s got a little bump on it and sits a little to the left.” He angled his face. “See?” He waited until I nodded before he continued.

“I like to keep stubble on my face to hide the scars left over from teenage acne, so I’m grateful it’s acceptable these days. My eyebrows could have their own zip code and my teeth are kind of crooked.” He stared at me, silently daring me to protest. “I think the color of my hair and the brightness of my eyes is a strange combination, but I’m glad they please you.”

“They do,” I breathed in admiration. How could he not see how handsome he was?

“My eyes do express what I’m feeling, except it seems, to the one person I want them to talk to the most.” His gaze continued to captivate me, my eyes riveted to his. His lips dragged up my neck to my ear. “And my mouth is only perfect when it is making you laugh or covering yours to kiss you”—his lips nibbled on my ear, making me shiver—“or bringing you pleasure. Otherwise, like the rest of me, it is far from perfect and gets me into a lot of trouble.”

I gave him a shaky smile. He did say the most outrageous things to make me laugh.

“What about my scars, Kourtney? Why didn’t you comment on them?”

“They’re part of you. I don’t even see them. You’re perfect to me,” I insisted.

He nodded, understanding written all over his face. “I know that.”

His arms dropped and wrapped around my waist. “Look again, Kourtney. Now tell me what you see when you look at you.”

My eyes shut.

“Open your eyes, Kourtney. Now.” His voice gentled. “Look at me, please.”

I opened my eyes and stared into his. There was no judgment or anger looking at me. Only a warmth and a need for understanding.

“Tell me,” he begged quietly.

I looked briefly at myself before dropping my gaze.

“I’m short.”

“I like that,” he whispered, encouragingly. “You fit perfectly under my arm.”

I lifted my eyes to him. “I have brown hair. Strange, mismatched eyes. A plain face. Totally forgettable.”

He frowned. “What else?”

I laughed—the sound bitter in the room. “You won’t let this go, will you?”

“No.”

I closed my eyes and let it all out. “My eyes are too round and big, and the color thing freaks people out. My nose is too big, and my mouth is too small. My hair is all over the place and has a mind of its own. My face is . . . round . . . chubby.” I hesitated but knew I needed to say it—finally say it. “I’m fat, Nathan. Unattractive. Worthless. I know it’s true because it’s what I’ve been told all my life. It’s what I see reflected in the mirror every day.” The words started pouring out and I couldn’t stop them. “I’m nothing. I’m not good enough for you. I’m too short, I weigh too much and compared to your tall, lean body, I am . . . short, lumpy and dumpy. I don’t want you to see me in the light because you’ll see all my stretch marks and how my body sags. It’s hard enough imagining what you’re thinking when you touch me, and I’m not sure I can stand to see the look on your face when you see how very unattractive I am in broad daylight, fully naked. I keep waiting for you to wake up and realize how much better you could do than me.” I inhaled a painful breath. “I keep waiting for you to walk away.”