Owned by the Badman (Russian Bratva #1) (21 page)

No, it makes me want to torture
.

“Mr. Lasovska, room two is yours,” the older woman informs me. She is haggard, has lived the life of a whore until nobody would pay for her services. Now, she is a receptionist and a madam.

I am searching for whores.
How my life has changed. I nod at the old woman and walk into the second room. It is just a closet, really, only separated by sheets hanging from the ceiling. It disgusts me and reminds me of my life before, the life I thought I had left far behind.

“How may I please you?”
the little girl asks me in Russian. She is just that, a little slip of a thing, not over the age of twenty.

I put my fingers under her chin and lift her face so that her eyes meet mine. She is pretty, long brown hair and bright blue eyes, dulled by her life, but still bright in color. She is too thin, and I see bruises all over her pale skin. A fleeting thought runs through my mind, and I wonder when the last time she saw the sun was.
Haleigh enjoyed lying out by the pool and soaking up the rays.

“Your name?” I bark.

Her eyes widen before she answers.

“Klara,” she answers softly. I nod. She is not who I want. I take money out of my pocket and hand it to her.

“No, you must give this to the woman in front,” she pleads. Klara raises her hands, and she is refusing to take it.

“This is not for that old cunt; it is for you. Use it for whatever you need to. Leave here, start over,” I instruct. I then watch as she licks her dry lips, looking up at me with caution, as she should.

“How may I thank you?” Her tone turns seductive, and I close my eyes as her hand slides to my cock.

Klara softly palms me, the friction making me hard even though I do not want to be. I groan, and she takes that as a sign to take things further. She unbuckles my belt, and I shiver as she takes me into her mouth.

I should push her away, tell her to stay away from my cock, but I am so fucking lonely. I accept the blowjob, and I have to close my eyes and imagine my beautiful Haleigh before I can come. I leave the brothel disgusted with myself.
That
was not meant to happen.

“Was it her?” Gregori asks. I gruffly tell him no.

Later that evening in our hotel, my phone rings—
Pasha
.

I answer because Pasha will send somebody to kill me if I do not. Pasha understands this journey, and he is allowing it only because I am also doing business for him while I am here.

“Pasha,” I say grabbing a shot glass and a bottle of vodka—
when in Russia, right?

“It is time for you to come home,” he orders.

I sigh into the phone, and Gregori looks at me, knowing exactly what this conversation entails. Pasha has called me at least once every week to entice me back home.

“You know I cannot. I have not found who I am looking for,” I say, closing my eyes.

It is true; I have not found the leader of the group who took my Haleigh. I know he operates here in Russia. I have not found the whore I have been searching for either. Two important people, two people I must find before I can breathe freely. Two people I should have searched for and found many years ago. Two people I was afraid of searching for until now.

“Sonia has me call, she is concerned for Haleigh. She says she is not doing so well,” he informs me. I shake my head as the man can see me.

“Dimitri would call if there was problem, Pasha. You know this,” I say trying, to curb that guilt rolling around in my stomach.

Pasha laughs, and it angers me
immediately
.

“Dimitri is too busy trying to run your business here. He is never at the house, Maxim. Did you think your company was going to run itself? We need that legitimacy. It cannot fail. Sonia has spent as much time as possible with the girl, as have the other wives, but she continues to retreat. Sleeping all day and hardly leaving the house. If she lives through the birth of the baby, I highly doubt she will live past much more. The only reason the child thrives is because Sonia forces her to eat and gives her pills for nutrition.”

How am I just hearing this now?

“How have you not told me any of this before? All you have said was that she was
sad
. She has lived through a hell I cannot imagine, Pasha. I knew she would be fucking sad,” I bark.

Gregori is staring at me from across the room. He looks guilty, and it makes me wonder what he could be feeling guilt over? I look back at him in question, and he immediately looks away. It piques my interest.
What is he hiding?

Gregori disappears every other week for four days. I know not where he goes, but he comes back much happier and I can only assume he has found some woman to regularly fuck. Does he feel guilty that he has found his happiness? I would never begrudge him that.

“Would you have cared? Would you have done anything besides sending Dimitri or Sonia to her aid? You are still part of this family, but I am releasing you from my control. You are no longer my
Brigadier
, you will answer to somebody else from now on. Somebody in Moscow. I am done with this.

“No man under my control and care treats the woman he wanted, bartered for, and purposely impregnated this way. I may be a sick fuck, Maxim, but would never treat my Sonia the way you have Haleigh. She will forever be under my protection, but
you
are
not
.

“Maybe Dimitri will take her as mistress since he has taken your rank. He is no longer
Boevik
he is now my new
Brigadier.
” Pasha hangs up the phone, and I just stare at it.

Pasha has released me; the only person I have cared for in my life aside from Sonia and Haleigh. The man I have always looked up to has written me off. I don’t know what to do.

Is this mission bullshit?
I know that if it is successful, it will not
be
bullshit—but if I
fail
? If I fail, then I have let down the whore I am searching for, my wife, and my child.
Is the risk worth the payout?
I do not know.

I fill up my shot glass, one after the other, after the other, until my vision blurs and I pass out.

Gregori doesn’t ask me what has happened, but I suspect he can figure it out. He isn’t stupid.

Once I am finally asleep, I dream.

I dream of my beautiful ballerina. I dream of the depth of her sadness and how it makes my chest ache to see her sad—to know that I have caused the sadness. I am the reason she cries. I hate myself. I do not deserve her. I need to stay away from her even more now because I don’t deserve her beauty.

I peek into the crib, watching my sweet baby boy, Maksimilyan Lasovska. I haven’t chosen a middle name for him yet. How could I, when picking his first name was so difficult. The moment Maxim left me, it was as if my heart shattered into a million pieces. The only thing that has made me smile since that day is my Maksimilyan.

“He is a good, strong, healthy boy,” Dimitri says quietly, walking up behind me.

“Yes, I just wish …” I let my words trail off.

After all of these months, I know that what I wish will never come true. He will never come back to me now. It has been too long.

“I know you do. I wish I knew the right thing to tell you,” he says softly, his strong chest pressed against my back as his hand curves around my hip.

I should push him away. I should be angry that he is even touching me, but the human contact feels nice. I feel like I am the dirty whore Maxim accused me of being. I am just so damn lonely.

“Dimitri,” I warn suppressing a moan when his fingers dig into my hip. His lips skim my neck before I completely lose his body heat from behind me.

“I know your heart loves him, Haleigh. I would not ask for your heart—
ever
. I just hope that one day you can like me enough to let your body be mine. We could make each other happy,
sladkiy
. I will wait for you,” he murmurs softly before he leaves the room.

I cry.

I let the tears flow as I look down on my baby.
My son.

He needs his father, but if Maxim won’t come back to me, he still needs a good man to guide him. Pasha will, of course, be a part of his life as a guiding grandfather, but I know boys need more; they need a daily presence. Dimitri can be that man. He has made it clear he
will
be that man. I just don’t know if I can
let
him be that man.

Natalia, the beautiful blond wife of one of Maxim’s warriors, shows at my door with a tray of desserts and a smile. We have become friends, the women who
belong
to the men in Maxim’s life. They have helped me through his departure, and they all come with stories of betrayal and heartache at the hands of their men.

I am not alone any longer. I am lonely, but I am not alone. These women have suffered greatly, some at the hands of their men and some at the hands of others in retaliation for something their men have done. We understand each other.
We are sisters.

“You need to eat. You are too thin.” Natalia grins, shoving the desserts in my hands as she takes Maksimilyan from my arms.

“I need to lose this baby weight is what I need to do,” I snort, following her into my living room and settling down on the sofa.

“Have you not heard from him?” she asks, cuddling my sweet bundle to her chest.

I shake my head, unable to say the words.

“Dimitri has heard from him, then?” she asks, arching a brow.

“I don’t know,” I confess with a shrug.

“Dimitri wants you, though, no?” She quips. She knows too much.

“He has mentioned a relationship, if I am ever ready to try and accept the fact that Maxim is gone from me,” I say without crying, for the first time. It feels like a tiny victory.

“Dimitri is a good man, Haleigh. He would treat you and Maksimilyan right,” she whispers.

“I know. I should accept what he has offered, but I love Maxim. How stupid am I?”

“You are a woman who has fallen in love and has had her heart broken by an idiot of a man. You are not stupid. You, my dear, are normal,” she mutters.

Natalia and I spend the afternoon just enjoying our friendship without any more talks of depressing relationship problems.

I love Maxim, but how long should I pretend that he will come back when I know the truth? He isn’t coming back. To be honest, after everything we have been through, we probably couldn’t make our marriage last even if he did come back.

I could physically be with Dimitri and should feel no guilt. I am under no illusions that Maxim is being faithful to me at this moment. I don’t expect him to be, and I would be naïve to think that he even
could
be.

I don’t know all about Maxim’s past, but I know that whatever he lived through as a child and a young man was torturous. He uses sex, hard fucking, and domination to cope with the demons swirling around inside of his head.

My abduction and rape only added fuel to his demons.

I close my eyes, and as I do every single night since he left me … I dream.

I dream of my beautiful ice blue-eyed Russian.

The man who owns my heart and soul.

The man who can make or break me.