Pampered to Death (18 page)

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Authors: Laura Levine

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“Look!” I shouted. “Yummy smoked salmon!”

Prozac’s eyes lit up with lust, and she began clawing at the door of the Fat Vat, somehow hoping to get it open.

A waste of time, of course.

This trick may have served her well with the kitchen cupboards at home, but it’d never work on the Fat Vat. The only way she’d be able to open the door was to dislodge that damn exercise bar.

I banged on the glass window to get her attention, then waved the piece of salmon at eye level with the exercise bar.

Now she got the idea. With an impressive leap, she landed on the exercise bar, hoping to get at the salmon. Unfortunately the bar didn’t budge, and don’t think she wasn’t mighty peeved. Even through the Fat Vat’s thick window I could hear her high decibel yowls of disappointment.

But Prozac is nothing if not persistent.

She tried again. And again. And again. After her fourth attempt, I thought I saw the exercise bar move.

“Keep going, honey!” I shouted. “You’re almost there!”

And then, with one last flying leap, all those years of overeating finally paid off. The exercise bar gave way to her weight and came clattering to the ground.

Thanks to my clever feline snackaholic, I was free!

With trembling hands I let myself out of the Fat Vat, and scooped her up in my arms.

“Oh, Prozac, sweetheart, how can I ever thank you?”

You can start with that salmon.

“Of course,” I said, quickly tearing her treat into bite sized morsels.

She dug in with gusto, then gazed up at me in that cute little way she has, as if to say:

What? No crème fraiche?

This touching little reunion was interrupted when Olga came storming in to the gym in her chenille bathrobe, braid flying.

“What on earth is going on? I heard your cat yowling all the way from my room.”

I gave her a brief recap of recent events and she quickly put in a call to Brangelina, who managed to apprehend Cathy/ Lorraine just as she was about to board a connecting flight for Mozambique.

Meanwhile Prozac and I were nestled in Olga’s kitchen, celebrating my escape from the Fat Vat with pastrami and smoked salmon. Plus a bonus slab of cheesecake.

By now the other guests had woken up and wandered in to join us, eager to know what the fuss was all about.

Unfortunately my mouth was filled with pastrami at the time, so Olga told them about my confrontation with Cathy. When she was finished, they gazed in my direction with newfound respect.

“Why that’s the bravest thing I’ve ever heard!” Kendra said.

“Amazing!” Clint agreed, flashing his pearlies in approval.

“What a heroine!” Harvy gushed.

I smiled modestly.

“Can I pet her?”

Huh???

“Can I pet your cat? I can’t get over the way the little darling came to your rescue and saved your life.”

Prozac preened.

I don’t know what she’d do without me.

Oh, for crying out loud. What about me? Jaine Austen? The gal who risked her life bringing Mallory’s killer to justice?

“She’s such a pretty little thing,” Clint said, stroking her behind the ears. “And so well behaved. She ought to be in movies.”

Prozac looked up at him with worshipful eyes and purred.

I’m ready for my close up, Mr. Masters.

Oh, for crying out loud. What a ham. Any minute now, she’d be doing the balcony scene from
Romeo & Juliet
.

“Why can’t you be more like Prozac?” Kendra chided Armani, who was watching the proceedings from the crook of her arm.

To which Armani let out a vicious growl.

I knew just how he felt.

Bright and early the next morning, I checked out of The Haven, and in a touching gesture of gratitude, Delphine offered to carry my luggage to the parking lot for only five bucks.

It was with happy heart indeed that I got in my Corolla and drove off from Diet Hell, two and a half pounds heavier than when I checked in.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL

Tampa Vistas Tattler

Candidate Charged with Indecent Exposure

A citation has been issued to Tampa Vistas resident Hank Austen for showing up at the recent presidential debate in
I

My Gnome
boxer shorts. “His behavior was totally inappropriate,” claimed Lydia Pinkus, who won the election in an unprecedented 798-to-1 landslide, “and an insult to our viewers.”

“With legs like his,” added Channel 99 producer Artie Myers, “the guy should stick to long johns.”

Austen has been banned from the clubhouse for three months, and from the Channel 99 studio forever.

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Little Snafu

Dearest Lambchop—

I suppose by now you’ve heard about the little snafu at the debate. I’m afraid your mom was a bit miffed, but I managed to worm my way back into her good graces with a dozen roses and some chocolates.

And I’m sorry to say I lost the election by a rather wide margin. Unbelievable, isn’t it? If you ask me, Lydia rigged the votes. But Mom threatened to divorce me if I demanded a recount, so I guess for the time being, I’ll have to retire from politics.

Try not to be too upset, sweetheart. I may have lost the vote, but I won a moral victory. I can hold my head high, knowing I went to bat for my poor, downtrodden gnomes.

By the way, I’m sending you one for your apartment. I know you’re going to love him. His name is Morty.

Love ’n hugs,

Daddy

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: Seven Hundred Ninety-Eight to One!

As you can see from the
Tattler
, Daddy lost the election, 798 to 1. And you’ll never guess who the one person was who voted for him—Lydia Pinkus!! That’s right. Daddy wasn’t allowed to vote (he’s been banned from the clubhouse) and I was too upset to even bother.

Dear, sweet Lydia, figuring Daddy wasn’t going to get any votes, took pity on him. Isn’t she just the most wonderful person? And now Daddy is accusing her of rigging the votes! I tell you, honey, that man is impossible. I’d be absolutely furious with him if it weren’t for the chocolates he gave me. Nougats with cashews. My favorite. It’s hard to stay angry with chocolate in your mouth.

And best news of all—Daddy’s finally going to take those god-awful gnomes off the lawn. Hallelujah!

Well, I’m off to my Aztec & Incan history class!

Con mucho amor
,

Mom

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Great News!

Great news, lambchop!

I took the gnomes off the lawn and found an even better place for them—the living room!

They sure brighten up this dull old space.

Can’t wait to show ’em to your mom!

Love,

Daddy

Epilogue

M
allory Francis fans everywhere will be happy to know that Cathy (aka Lorraine Sandoval) is in jail awaiting trial for murder.

In related news, several crew members who’d worked with Mallory have banded together to start the Lorraine Sandoval Defense Fund. So far, contributions have totaled more than $972,000.

Kendra decided not to press charges against Sven and Shawna for stealing Mallory’s necklace, and last I heard, the Aerobics Twins were working at a Bally’s in West Covina.

As for Kendra, it turns out she and Armani are getting along just fine. More than fine, now that Armani’s bringing home the big bucks. That’s right. Kendra took Armani to doggie obedience school, where he was discovered by a Hollywood talent scout. One thing led to another and the little pooch is now starring as “Butch, the Killer Peke” in
Revenge of the Lust Busters, Part II.

Kendra is acting as his personal trainer. Rumor has it she’s dating Clint Masters.

More good news: Harvy’s salon has been discovered by the Beverly Hills fashionista set and is doing wonderfully well.

Rumor has it he’s dating Clint Masters, too.

Business at The Haven has been booming ever since Olga took on Delphine as her business partner. (Trust me, some day that kid will be running IBM.) Grateful for my work in cracking the case, Olga sent me a ginormous gluten-free, low-calorie muffin gift basket. (It comes in quite handy as a doorstop.)

And finally, in the Dreams Really Do Come True Department, Kevin the cook is now a busboy at Applebee’s.

As for Lance, it took me a while, but I finally forgave him. Last week he took me out for a chateaubriand dinner-for-two with all the trimmings. (Lance had the poached fish.)

Prozac is happy as a clam to be back home with snacks on tap 24/7. Although sometimes in her more pensive moments, she gets this faraway look in her eyes, and I know she’s thinking of The Koi that Got Away.

Well, gotta run and feed Her Highness before my date shows up. That’s right. I, Jaine Austen, charter member of the Saturday Night Pizza-for-One Club, have actually got a date.

In the Dreams Really Do Come True Department, Part II, Darryl is coming to town to see me. I’ve invited him to my apartment for a home-cooked Italian dinner—Caesar salad, lasagna, and tiramisu for dessert.

It should be ready any minute now, just as soon as the delivery guy shows up.

KENSINGTON BOOKS are published by

Kensington Publishing Corp.

119 West 40th Street

New York, NY 10018

Kensington and the K logo Reg. U.S. Pat. & TM Off.

Library of Congress Card Catalogue Number: 2011927358

ISBN: 978-0-7582-3847-4