Pandora's Box (36 page)

“Yes, Sophia.” He was too ashamed to have been found in such a compromising position and he didn’t know how to ask for her help or what to say. “But you know what? I wish I didn’t understand, darling. I wish it had never happened.”

“Oh, my dear, I know. It’s not easy, but you can help others. You can do for other children what no one did for you.” It was breaking Sophia’s heart, but she knew she had to give him new goals to look forward to and not let him sulk in his despair. “I need you by my side in
our
project. We’ve done a wonderful job so far together, and we can do a lot more. You’re not going to let me down, are you?”

I don’t know if I can face all this.
I did it to keep you by my side, but it blew up.
He closed his eyes and his tears spilled inside his body, drowning him in self-pity.
I don’t want to buy anyone anymore.
“I don’t know how.”

“I’m sure you do. You are such an intelligent man. Try to move forward and understand everything that has been ingrained in your soul for years and years; try to put what your uncaring parents did to you in the past.” Sophia grasped in her heart for the right words.
Ethan is your friend, try to be less professional and more understandable.

Tell me how.
“How, Sophia?” His baritone voice was devoid of all the charm it usually had, despondent and subdued. “How?”

“You know I have suffered a lot too. Not the same things as you did, but still… I was despaired when I met you at the airport. Unbalanced. I was not seeing the world around me. I could not see the beauty of a sunset anymore. Life had lost its appeal. I lived because of Gabriela. She was the only thread that linked me to life.”

He looked at her surprised. “But you were vibrant. You had a… sparkling flame inside you. An incredible force.”

That’s it. Show him your flaws.
“Perhaps I had, but I couldn’t see it anymore. However,
you
showed me that living in the present and looking around for new opportunities was the best thing I could do. It was— It
is
difficult. But I realized the future wouldn’t wait for me to wake up and say: ‘
Hey, I have not lived these past years. Give them back to me.’
I had to search for that tiny flame that was still burning inside my heart. The tiny flame that has never let me down.” She put her hand over his. “Ethan,
you
are a very dear friend. You helped me in your own way. Remember my dedication on our photo? I wrote: ‘
Thank you for bringing me back to life.’
I was not living anymore, and what we had together, it was not the love that unites a woman and a man, but a different sort of love. It
is
very special.”

He went silent for a minute. Then he blinked, coming out from his dark room and repeated the words in wonder, whispering, “It is very special…”

Somehow, he understood in that moment he had never loved her as a normal man loved a woman. It had been the way she had always been available to him, a true friend, that had made him hunger for her touch. First as a lover, then as an obsessed discarded man; now he wanted to keep her friendship. “Is it, Sophia? Is it really special?”

She nodded. “Yes, Ethan. I think… I think it is a deep friendship connection; souls recognizing a mutual need and a special bond. That is why I yield to the fire that burned— that
burns
inside you. Search for that passion that makes you admire how Maria Callas sang; the way you deal with your businesses; the charm that makes you draw all eyes to you when you walk by. It’s all inside you. You have not lost it.”

“And if I can’t find it anymore? Or if it has already been extinguished?”

His sigh was so painful that she pitied him and it made her want to cry. Sophia loved Ethan as a very dear friend. She knew that if he had been more forthcoming with Gabriela and if she had not met Alistair, she would probably still be with him.

Help him see his own force, Sophia. Show him he has always had it and it has not been lost.
“Remember when you said you like to play with fire?” He nodded. “Search for the burning ashes inside you and kindle them. Play with it until you can burn away the pain and discover the pure fire again. Find the pride you have always had of yourself.” 

His laughter was sad. “And what do I have to pride myself on?”
I have done nothing worth being proud of.

“Oh, Ethan. You have come so far. There was always something that made you put one step in front of the other; maybe compassion for the other, love for a special friend, not for everyone, for the special ones. I’ve always noticed the way you treat Scott, not as an employee, but almost as a friend, as a confidant. You help him. As you do with Imelda, your housekeeper, and I’m sure you have other special friends around you. Alexander, Leonard, myself.”

“I
buy
Scott, Sophia. As I do everyone else. My parents have kept everyone away from me; I pay to have them around me as I want.”

A sudden rage for Calista and George made Sophia’s eyes flash. “What you just said is not true. Scott was dead worried about you, not because you pay his salary and give him gifts; not because you
buy him;
but because he
likes
you as a kind and fair human being. You have to put your parents’ abuse in the past.”

I don’t have the courage to face them anymore.
He wanted to shout, to break things apart. Ethan wanted to cry as he never had before. “I don’t know how.”

“I’m not saying you do know how. I’m saying you
have
to do it. I can help you with this. Scott can. Or even our psychologists at the Foundation. It takes a different type of courage to accept what you cannot change and try to make the best of it. Channel your discontent into an immediate positive action.”
You need the right words, Sophia.
But she didn’t know what the right words were. He would have to discover them for himself.

His lips curled in distaste and he crossed his arms over his chest as if protecting himself from what she was proposing because deep inside he knew it was going to hurt and he was so tired of the pain.
You’re imagining an Ethan that doesn’t exist. Stop trying to make me better than I really am.
“I’m not
that
good. I’m not
that
strong.”

“You are, my dear, you are much stronger than you can ever know. They say good men are not born, but I don’t believe in this. Good men make a difference using what they have inside their good heart, and they don’t shy away from it. You are intelligent and cunning. You have a special passion in your heart, I know.” She poked his chest and looked into his eyes. Softly, she stated, “If your parents ever come bothering you again, call me before you do something that will destroy yourself. That is exactly what they want.”

“Will you?”

“Of course. I need you, Ethan. The world needs you. Everyone has something to give. You have much. Give your heart and soul some time to find peace and you’ll discover it all.”

But only you have looked inside my heart and soul. Only you know this.
“I’m not going to let you down, Sophia. I promise you.” 

Thank God!
“Good. I’m counting on you. I—”

“Sophia.” He uncrossed his arms and grabbed her hands, squeezing them. “If I were one of the women in your foundation… What would you say to me?”

Oh, Ethan. Recognizing the problem is the most difficult step and you have just done this.
Hope started to unfold in Sophia’s heart.
“
Ethan, there is no shame in admitting the extent of your pain.” She took a deep breath, steadying herself. “I’m your friend, your partner. I’m here because I admire and love you. I’m profoundly humbled by the way you were treated, survived and became such an important and generous man. But I cannot say anything to you if you don’t help me and yourself. So, let’s do this together, shall we?”

He nodded and the words tumbled from his mouth, “I was neglected, Sophia. And abused. All I wanted was a bit of love, and even Grandpa, as much as he tried, could not give it to me.” He gestured to himself. “I wanted to be a scholar; to live a simple life. I was forced into becoming this rash businessman, living on appearances, spending money as if water, as my parents do. Exactly who I never wished to be.” 

The sandy lump she swallowed brought salty tears to her eyes and she had to gather her wits for a moment. “You suffered many painful and damaging experiences early in your life, my dear, but you have yet to realize your life is not doomed by them. Even not being loved and supported by those who should have, you found ways to cope with the emotions generated by the horrible suffering and experiences. In one way or another,
you
have done this. But what I have seen today, made me fear for you.” 

“Why?” Unsettled by her words, he drew himself up against the headboard.

“You’ve never seen a therapist, and have spent your life ignoring the painful feelings, right?”

He blew a harsh breath. “I went to therapists when I was a kid but I never liked them. They want to know too much.”

“What you’ve been ashamed to tell,” she complemented, and he nodded. “Ethan, dear, you avoided all your life getting closer to people. You have tried to hide all your pain and fear. Although I am not an expert, I can fairly say these vulnerabilities could take hold of us.”

“For example?” he asked.

Hmm…
She searched in her mind for his behavior when they were together. “It’s just a theory of mine, but… You have never accepted Gabriela as my daughter. All her childish behaviors bothered you a lot. And… Could it be because the relationship I had with her reminded you of your needs as a child? And also, perhaps… you were afraid of getting attached and losing it all again?”

He blinked, incredulous at how she could see so deeply inside him.

“You know, my dear, the more you hide and avoid getting close to friends and people, the more your pain grows. It may create a sense of safety, but it leaves you lonely, it prevents you from sharing experiences, good or bad, and discussing them; listening to what others have to tell you.”

“Loneliness is better than the painfulness of being rejected,” he whispered to her.

Yes, sure.
“But there’re a lot of people who won’t reject you. There’s no safety in being alone. It leads to a great deal of loneliness, prevents wonderful experiences and true intimacy and trust. Ethan, do you know what is worse? The wrong people, who are just expecting to sink their talons into you, will do it as soon as they sniff the breach, because you’ll be vulnerable, desperately and naïvely putting trust in the wrong people and being betrayed again. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it helps you cope with everything, and one day you could feel free. Start in small doses, until you feel secure enough.”

Few friends, no family, no loyalty freely given, but for yours. Well, it is one to start with.
Ethan’s eyes opened slightly and brightened at that. “Yes, darling.” 

“At the extreme, getting really drunk can block out painful memories and feelings, including the feeling of being disconnected from others, but cause lots of other problems and totally alienate you from the few friends you really have. That is why I am here today, in your hotel suite, sitting on your bed,
for the last time.
”

The light from the reading lamp behind her made a strange halo around her long raven hair. He tilted his head to the side and his stare glazed. “Are you saying—”
that you are going to abandon me too?
 

“There comes a point in life where you draw a line and say: ‘
That’s it, I’m done. I’ll hurt, but I’ll connect to my feelings, I’ll suffer, but I’ll relearn to deal with my emotions, so I can start again.’
That is what I am saying. It’s not as easy as I have worded it. No.” She shook her head. “I can promise months and years of spiritual pain, but do it, Ethan. I can get you a referral. Meanwhile, you can help yourself combat the pain. Think about what gives you spiritual pleasure and dive in head first. I know you like to read. Books saved me in my most desperate moments when everything seemed so bleak.”

“I don’t know if I can start again, Sophia. At least, not without someone helping me. I have done many wrong things…”
You don’t know how many.
“I have trampled on people,”
including you.
“I’m bound to a hellish life and—”

Oh, good God.
“Stop! You need to heal from inside out, my dear.” She could see the pain spreading through him and gluing the dark crystal pieces of his heart all wrongly again.
“Stop, Ethan. You don’t fool me. You never have. You’re a strong man with a good heart. Let this poison be washed away. It’s time to escape the clutches. Any clutches: of your name, of what you didn’t want to be, of what you don’t care about. Be yourself. But don’t use your money to show the world who you are or what you are
meant
to do, because they will see only it and there is so much more to you. Let yourself meet all these dark feelings rotting inside, and you’ll find peace. The amount of happiness that you allow in your heart depends on the amount of freedom you’re willing to give yourself. Please, Ethan, try. For our friendship’s sake. I’ll not abandon you, but you can’t expect me to keep coming to your hotel suite, understand?” 

Yes, I do. You’re married, but you are still my friend.
In an effort not to cry, his eyes darkened as a stormy sea. “Why only you, Sophia?”

She knew what he was asking. 

Why was she the only one who had seen that his unlit, cracked and haunted heart was cemented inside a tall, windowless tower; so dark and airless, not even a flower grew inside. Why he’d had so many dreams and not even one had sprouted and made a sweet shade for him. Why they had all been broken and crushed when he was a child. Why he had been forced to grow into a man that he himself abhorred. And why he thought he couldn’t trace a new path to himself.

But she had no easy answers. She sighed. “We maintain problems because they give us a sense of our past identity. If we hold onto our pain far beyond its ability to serve us; if we replay past mistakes over and over again in our head, allowing feelings of shame and regret to remain, they will, for sure, shape our actions in the present.”